Mindful Single Parenting With Guest Glenn Ambrose

In this special joint episode, Dr. Gina is joined by Glenn Ambrose! Glenn is a world renowned life coach and the host of the podcast "Life, Lessons, & Laughter"--as well as being a single parent himself! Glenn and Dr. Gina discuss the benefits and difficulties of being a single parent, and the effect that it has on children, versus societal expectations.

For more info or to book an appointment with Dr. Gina visit drmadrigrano.com/ you can find there a free ebook and valuable resources.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey everybody,

And welcome to a very special episode of whatever podcast you're listening to at the moment.

So this is,

Obviously I don't usually start these episodes,

But this is a very special joint simulcast podcast with both of our hosts,

Glenn Ambrose and Dr.

Gina.

Hey guys.

Hey there.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you,

Ben?

I'm great.

Thanks.

Glenn,

How are you?

Wonderful.

Awesome.

Looking forward to this.

So,

All right,

So Life Lessons in Laughter obviously is a podcast about spirituality,

Living all of those things.

One of the topics that we've never really tackled is parenting.

And Gina,

Your podcast,

Living Simply,

Is a podcast about the same things that Glenn's about,

But with the aspect of you are a parental expert.

So we deal a lot with parenting issues and mindfulness and parenting,

Along with other more broad topics.

So we thought that it would be a great opportunity to get everybody together to sort of talk about parenting and you both are single parents,

Which is a whole subset of parenting issues and problems and opportunities and wonderfulness.

So that's really what this episode is going to be about.

And I'm excited to have both of you in the same place at the same time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And plus it kind of looks like a little bit of the Brady Bunch with the different blocks.

I think we need like five more.

Yeah,

It does.

But it's cool.

Yeah.

Not only are you single parents,

But you both have joint custody of me,

Which is nice.

Yeah,

Exactly.

That's our biggest challenge.

Let's just dive right into it.

That's our biggest challenge.

Yeah.

So Gina,

Tell us a little bit about,

As the parenting expert,

Let's start with you.

Can you tell us a little bit about challenges that you have faced or other,

Like what is the biggest thing that makes being a single parent so different?

So there's good sides and challenging sides,

Right?

So the different is you don't have another parent to count on,

In the same home actually.

So the other parent,

You can count on them when they're not,

When the kid's not with you,

But when the child's with you,

You can't just go,

Okay,

I'm going to go get some milk at the grocery stores.

So when you have a little one,

You have to pack them up,

Go to the grocery store.

So you're a bit limited in your freedom because you don't have backup.

You don't have someone there to help you out.

I'd say that's the biggest challenge is you,

You're being two parents at once.

You're being mom and dad or mom and mom or dad and dad,

But you're being two parents at once.

That's the biggest challenge,

I think.

But I think there's also great opportunities in being alone because there is no arguing.

There's no debating on different parenting styles because whether you're married or divorced makes no difference.

Every family I've worked with,

It's been very rare that both parents are exactly on the same page.

So it takes away that challenge.

So you basically have carte blanche.

That's what you do in the house.

Yes,

Absolutely.

And Glenn,

So you've had,

I mean,

If there's one thing I have learned about Glenn working with him,

It's that he definitely likes things a particular way.

When he,

No,

I'm joking,

But did you know,

Do you feel the same way about what she just said?

Yes,

I do.

And I think that a lot of times with specifically divorced parents,

There's an aspect of that I think that could be helpful to get some clarity on.

We're not going to be on the same page.

And when people are divorced and you have two people in on the parenting,

I think sometimes people try to,

They put too much effort into trying to get on the same page when it's not going to happen.

You know,

I mean,

Don't get me wrong.

I mean,

If you can get on the same page,

Then excellent.

You know,

I mean,

If you can have a united front and some people can and some people can't,

But it's that a lot of times people don't even entertain the possibility that parenting pretty much separately in a divorce situation is a possibility.

And I mean,

In my situation,

It was very obvious that we needed to parent completely separately.

And I still struggled against it and it was completely obvious,

You know,

And I think I'm fairly awake about stuff and look at things realistically and in healthy ways.

And I still put more effort into trying to get on the same page with my ex-wife than was necessary when if I really hit the brakes and looked at it clearly,

It was obvious that it wasn't going to work.

And so,

You know,

There's more than one way.

You have to find your own way.

Sometimes you guys can really parent together well when it's in a divorce situation.

Sometimes it's kind of half and half and sometimes it's completely separate and it can be successful in any one of those areas.

And of course,

This gray area in between all those two where it's a mesh of two of them.

But,

You know,

I found a way to be as successful as I could being completely separate.

It wasn't going to happen.

We weren't getting on the same page.

So it's like accepting that and then just making the best out of it in the healthiest way possible,

I think is a key to single parenting.

Yeah,

I think I was in the same situation where we had to parallel parent instead of co-parenting.

And I think the sooner you can accept that's the way it is,

The less the child struggles as well because the child doesn't feel torn.

So it's about,

Okay,

In daddy's house,

It's this way and in mommy's house,

It's this way.

And when I work with parents,

A lot of parents get like,

Oh,

Is the child going to be confused?

And I'm like,

Not really,

Because when they're in school,

There are different rules.

When they're at grandma's house,

There are different rules.

When they're at their friend's house,

There are different rules.

So it's actually teaching them to adapt to their environment.

So it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Right.

I agree,

And I think that which leads right into a huge point,

I think of parenting from my perspective,

It's,

You know,

There's a natural protection thing that we have as parents,

We want to protect our kids.

And it's just,

It's natural.

And to some degree,

We should protect them.

But I think that,

Like subconsciously or unconsciously,

That's almost like 99% of the parenting outlook.

Which I don't think it should be.

I think the outlook needs to be to teach them how to interact with life,

Not to protect them from it,

Because you can't,

You know,

You can't protect them when they're at school.

Once they're out of school,

You can't protect them from life.

And if we don't give them any skills to deal with life,

And to,

You know,

I tried to teach my son that,

You know,

To the best of my ability.

And he'd come to me and he'd be like,

You know,

Different times.

And he'd be like,

Dad,

You know,

This,

My friend's parent is,

You know,

Not letting us do this or telling us not to do that,

Because it could be difficult.

What's that about?

You know,

And I'm like,

Yeah,

Well,

It's just,

It's a different parenting style.

Not everybody sees it the way I see it.

The way I see it is I don't want to protect you from difficulties.

I want you to learn how to deal with the difficulties.

That way you can deal with life,

You know,

As it happens.

Some people don't see it that way,

You know,

But he got used to me not trying to protect him from things.

And you know,

Of course I protected him from some stuff.

I mean,

You know,

I love him.

Of course I'm going to protect him from some stuff,

But it's not my main outlook on parenting.

My main outlook was to prepare him for life and to be able to handle things that life throws at him.

You know?

Yeah.

So you didn't parent out of fear.

You parent out of love,

Basically.

That's it.

That's one of the first things I ever heard about parenting.

Really when I,

When I woke up,

You know,

Like,

I mean,

I came in through sobriety and one of the first things I heard in recovery was you can't parent out of guilt,

Which,

You know,

Of course guilt is a version of fear,

But like when,

You know,

When addicts come in with all this,

You know,

With all this history of dysfunction and then all of a sudden they're going to be a parent.

The first thing that they do is feel horrible about what they did in the past and all this stuff.

Well,

I wasn't there for them properly.

And they try to parent out of guilt and it doesn't work.

And even if you're not coming into recovery,

I think that that's,

You know,

There's no rule book for parenting.

So we,

You know,

Here's a,

You know,

A big hint for the kids listening.

We don't know what we're doing.

Exactly.

You know?

So we have no idea.

So like when there's a decision,

They're looking at us like,

You know,

What's your decision?

And we're going,

Uh,

I don't know.

Like,

Okay,

I'm not supposed to parent out of guilt.

Um,

I'm not supposed to protect,

But I'm supposed to teach you how to deal with things.

Like what does that look like in this situation?

I don't know.

Oh,

You know,

And then we throw a dart and,

You know,

Aim the best we can and try to hit something on the board.

But,

You know,

There's,

There's no rules.

So you know,

So you just,

I think having some of these foundation principles,

Not,

Not parenting out of guilt or fear is a good thing to keep in mind when you're making those decisions and trying to navigate those,

Those decisions.

Yeah.

Um,

So you guys touched on a term that I've never heard before,

Uh,

Which is parallel parenting.

Um,

I've only heard of co-parenting,

Uh,

But parallel parenting makes a lot of sense,

Uh,

Now that I've heard it.

Um,

Do you think that,

That,

Uh,

Well first can,

Can you elaborate on that?

And then do you think that that,

That style sort of,

Or just being single parents,

You know,

And coexisting,

Uh,

With another parent who is,

Who is not in the home with you,

Do you think that that kind of forces your hand of the,

Of the letting go and not being able to protect your child,

You know,

A hundred percent of the time?

The parallel parenting?

Yeah.

I think,

Um,

Whether it's co-parenting or parallel parenting,

You have to let go of that fear over protection,

Controlling.

I think in both ways you have to do it.

I think that parallel parenting is the extra challenge for the parent to work on their own issues because often the term was coined,

Especially based in high conflict divorces where it's like,

Okay,

Stop co-parenting.

It's not working.

The communications aren't working.

And when you see that a lot,

There's one parent that might become overprotective,

Especially if there's abuse on the other end.

And it becomes about controlling the other parent and then the parenting itself goes off the wayside.

So I think the biggest challenge in parallel parenting situations is the parents have to wake up in both situations that they don't have to,

But it forces you to grow up and go make it about the kid.

It's not about the other parent.

And like Glenn said is even if the other parents challenging,

It's the perfect opportunity for your kid to learn about difficult things in life,

Learning about falling,

Being hurt,

Because then you're there to pick them up.

And if you overprotect them,

They don't learn like Glenn did with his son to learn with the,

How to deal with challenges.

So I think in both cases you have to let go either way.

I don't know what you think Glenn.

Yeah,

Yeah.

I think you do need to let go.

I mean,

To Ben's point,

I think it parallel parenting probably pushes you to let go a little bit more than co-parenting.

So if you do it right,

If you're awake to it.

I needed to,

It really pushed me to let go on a whole nother level.

I know mothers have this feeling just as much,

If not more than fathers,

But it's the protection thing.

You got the mama bear thing.

Well,

You also have 8,

000 years of conditioning for men to protect their family.

So that protection thing is so strong and to think that your child is being hurt somewhere else and that there's nothing you can do about it,

That's tough.

That's a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that really needs to be worked through.

And the only way you're going to work through that is getting to a place where you are able to let go and you are able to be that landing spot,

Like Gina said,

For your child to go to when they get there.

But it can't be out of guilt either.

You can't go back to the guilt of the fear.

You can be a soft landing spot,

But you can't all of a sudden,

Every time they're over your house,

Give them cotton candy and freaking ice cream for supper.

Because oh,

You had a tough time at mommy's or daddy's.

So you can't do that either.

So every relationship is based in respect,

Every healthy relationship.

And if somebody doesn't respect the other person,

You don't have a foundation for a healthy relationship.

So you have to stand your ground.

I think really the way I worked through this was I had to really deeply understand that my son was on his own journey.

I was on my journey and I went through 20 years of obvious dysfunction,

Let alone the 15 prior to that,

That incited me into it.

So I mean,

It's 35 years of some serious dysfunction and not safe environments and circumstances.

I went through a lot and I made it through somehow.

And I had what most people would call a good childhood.

Yes,

I wasn't getting what I needed in a certain ways,

Which caused a lot of internal conflict and some school issues and stuff like that.

So I had enough to push me into dysfunction,

Which led to an awakening.

So I had that,

But from an outside perspective,

I had leave it to beaver family,

Man.

I had both parents that are on the same page.

They were fair,

They're loving,

They're kind.

My dad coached my baseball team.

From an outside perspective,

You don't get much better than this.

And look what happened to me.

It wasn't pretty.

So now I look at my son who's 18 now.

He had what we would label as a dysfunctional situation and he is way more grounded,

Way more stable,

Has a much better head on his shoulders than I did at 18.

I mean,

It's not even comparable.

I mean,

I'm here,

He's here.

We're at opposite ends of the spectrum.

So I mean,

It's not about your circumstances as much as we think it is.

It's about learning to deal with your circumstances.

I didn't,

He did.

And that's where you see the difference.

Yeah,

So that actually led perfectly into my next question,

Which was you hear so much about the children.

Like everybody talks about in a divorce situation or anything other than the typical like Norman Rockwell nuclear family scenario,

You hear all of these like horror stories of what's going to happen to the kids.

People talk about ACOD,

Adult children of divorce,

And this narrative that like if it's not the two parents together co-parenting,

Like it's going to screw up the child.

And I think that,

As Glenn just said,

That's not the case necessarily.

You're not doomed because your parents aren't together.

And so could you both talk a little bit to that?

Because there's a lot of fear about that.

And when young parents split,

I know that there's a lot of fear that they're dooming this child or these children.

So can you guys both talk a little bit about that?

Yeah,

Well,

I can attest to the fact that one,

It's not true.

Because for working with divorced and not divorced families,

For being a product of it myself from so friends,

Whatever it is from my professional personal life,

What screws up kids,

It's more how you raise them than whether it's raised by two parents or one parent,

Because tons of families stay married for the kids.

And it messes up the kids so much,

Because it teaches them a poor model of love and cooperation.

And parents think they fake it,

But kids pick up on the energy of fake.

And so many people,

Even adults I work with,

Say when my parents got divorced,

And I was 20 or 18.

But like,

Finally,

Why did you guys wait so long?

So on that end,

I try to help people and go,

You know,

You got to leave if it's not working anymore,

And it's not going to screw up your kids.

It actually screws them up more.

Sometimes if we look at divorce,

I think Glenn and I are good examples how our kids turn out pretty good,

Even if we were messed up.

What made the difference is our parenting.

And second,

You don't need to have two perfect parents,

The research shows you need one good enough parent,

Not even one perfect parent.

You need one good enough parent for a kid to turn out well.

And then in the end,

You're the master of your destiny,

Meaning the choices you make,

Determine the life you're going to have.

So you can't control what happens in your life as a kid.

But Glenn turned his life around,

I turned my life around.

His parents were married,

Mine divorced,

Split up when I was 18.

So there's so many factors that can screw up a person outside of whether people are divorced or not.

Yeah,

I agree.

Ditto.

Yeah.

I think this is why I love spirituality because it works always everywhere in every situation.

It's either true or it's not.

So if we can take a step away from parenting for a minute and just go,

Okay,

What's life?

What does successful people in life do?

Well,

It's not what happens to them.

It's how they react to what happens to them.

It's how they use it.

If you fall into victim mode,

Then it's going to be a problem.

If you use it,

You see it as an opportunity and you use it to get around and find a way to do it anyway,

Then all of a sudden you're going to be successful.

And then you bring that back into parenting and it's the same thing.

It's not what happens to you in life.

It's what you do with what happens to you in life.

It's how you react to it.

And if we're sitting there running around trying to make everything perfect,

Make sure our kid doesn't experience some uncomfortability or some negative situation.

And of course,

Like I said,

It's not that we don't try to protect them at all.

It's not that we say,

Hey,

Look,

There's a fire.

Go stick your hand in it.

I'm not saying we induce pain.

I'm saying if it's inevitable,

If they're experiencing it,

We teach them how to deal with it and try to give them the tools to deal with that.

And that's what's really going to make them capable of dealing with whatever else comes.

You either deal with stuff or you don't.

You either learn to deal with your parent or you don't.

You learn to deal with kids at school or you don't.

You learn to deal with being a divorced kid or you don't.

You learn to deal with going to school in college or you don't.

You learn to be responsible at a job or you don't.

You either learn and adapt and grow or you don't.

So I think that's the pattern.

And I think parenting is so tricky because there's so much emotion around it.

And emotion clouds our vision.

So that's what I constantly tried to do is take a step back and disconnect from the hopelessness that I felt at times and the helplessness and the fear and the guilt and the,

Oh my God,

My poor child.

And step back,

Distance myself from all that.

And remember,

He's a soul.

He's fine.

He's loved.

He's cared for.

He's eternal.

He's all set in ways beyond my capabilities.

So at his core,

He's fine.

Now we got to try to learn to deal with this human stuff.

Yeah.

I personally,

This is probably an anomaly for people my age,

But my entire life growing up,

I had one friend whose parents got divorced and only one.

And it was like fifth grade,

Never before that,

Never after that,

Did I have friends with divorced parents and he seemed fine.

But he was a little crazy.

Like he was a little,

Not crazy,

But like he was a little like troubled to begin with.

So I didn't see any effect on that.

But now as an adult and being really close to a co-parenting situation with my best friend,

Kids are so resilient.

And sometimes co-parenting is easy and sometimes it's not.

But if the child only feels love from every direction,

It's wonderful.

And it doesn't really matter.

You're wonderful,

Ben.

You should be a life coach.

That was beautiful.

That's just,

I mean,

That's like,

This kid that I spend so much time with has,

I don't know,

We joke a lot that there's like 50 people raising him.

But like all of them love him.

So it doesn't matter.

He's nasty.

And it's beautiful.

And he's such a sweet kid and he's fine.

And I have all the confidence in the world.

He has two great parents and they both have a support team around them.

And it's just nice.

It's nice,

You know?

In some ways it's nicer than just two people raising him.

It can be.

It can be.

And that's,

So I think like if you're someone who's a young parent listening to this or somebody who's,

You know,

Listens to this years from now and became a young parent and things didn't work out or whatever the situation is,

You never wanted it to work out,

Whatever.

It can be okay.

Like there's two,

You have two wonderful proofs of that in these two coaches here,

Glenn and Gina.

And it's just,

And I'm currently firsthand experiencing it with a young child and everything is going to be fine.

Totally.

Bravo,

Ben.

Thank you.

Bravo.

You know,

I think it's kind of the difference.

We've all seen when a little kid falls,

You know,

A kid falls down,

The first thing they do is they look up at you like,

Am I supposed to be freaking about this or no?

Like am I okay?

Am I okay?

Yeah.

And you just look at them and you're like,

You're okay.

And then they get up and they're like,

Oh,

Okay,

I'm okay.

And then,

You know,

Then you have the other parent that's like,

Oh my God.

And then the kid's like,

Oh.

So I mean,

You know,

I think that that is an example of the parenting.

If we're sitting there teaching our kids to be resilient and going,

Hey,

It's okay.

You're fine.

You're loved.

I got you.

You know,

You're okay.

Then they don't become a victim.

But if we're constantly,

And like Gina said,

It's energetic.

You know,

It's not just what we say and do.

It's how we feel.

If we're,

You know,

If we're constantly in inner conflict and we're feeling like,

You know,

We're feeling like,

Yeah,

Well,

The reason you're upset is because your other parents are jerking.

You know,

If we're feeling like that,

We're going,

You'll be okay.

Like you're not going to feel good.

I mean,

He's seeing right through you.

So it's,

You know,

Doing the inner work on ourselves and really us making peace with the reality of the situation.

You know,

All suffering is resistance to what is.

So if we make peace with the situation,

Gain some clarity,

And then stop parenting from that clarity,

I think that's good.

Yeah,

They'll be better off.

Yeah.

And,

You know,

A little adversity goes a long way.

So whatever.

Like Glenn said,

He had,

You know,

A quote unquote perfect childhood.

And when he got to 15 years old,

He was all messed up.

So I mean,

Like,

My parents will love this episode.

They're not going to.

I've talked about it enough.

They did the best they could,

And they really did.

They were wonderful people.

They still are.

Well,

That's actually my point.

That's actually my point,

Though,

Is that like,

You know,

Sometimes it just is what it is.

Yeah,

It's,

You know,

And back then,

Of course,

We're becoming more aware.

I think in my just because people might be wondering at this point,

What the hell happened to Glenn?

Just to bring a little clarity to it,

You know,

The two things that I think I really like,

My parents had my sister first,

And those three are the same people.

They just think the same.

Everything makes sense the same.

Their love language is the same.

It's just and then along comes me.

And I'm different.

And I don't speak the same love language.

I interact and whatever is working with my older sister that makes this life so wonderful and manageable isn't working with me.

And they can't figure it out because they only know how to think the way they think.

So you know,

So they keep trying to interact with me in a fair,

Loving,

Kind way,

The same way that they interacted with my sister.

But I spoke different love languages.

I didn't.

I just was different.

You know,

I absorbed information differently and stuff.

So I was feeling even though they loved me,

I wasn't feeling their love.

So you go through a childhood when you're not feeling the love that you're supposed to feel.

And then you double out with some ADHD undiagnosed in school where,

You know,

I mean,

Really my school life was Glenn,

Stop it.

Glenn,

Turn around.

Glenn,

Stop talking.

Glenn,

Glenn,

Glenn.

Hearing your name 150 times a day in a negative context doesn't do wonders for your self-esteem.

You know,

So you put those two things together by the time I was 15,

I was like,

Okay,

We're making some changes.

And a 15 year old should not be in control of those changes because I did not do,

I did not make wise decisions.

But I mean,

You know,

So it wasn't anybody's fault.

It was just the circumstances that I was in.

And so we don't,

You know,

On the outside everything was perfect,

But on the inside it wasn't.

And that's,

I think if we concern ourselves with that,

You know,

Parenting our kid,

Trying to connect with them from the inside and trying to connect with them in general,

We're heading in the right direction,

You know.

Yeah,

And trying to actually see them for who they are as opposed to who we want them to become.

So open our eyes and listen and watch because often parents have an idea of how their kids should turn out,

What sport they should play,

What they should study.

And that goes against the energy of the child and they feel constrained,

Right?

So I always tell parents,

Hey,

You have their own destiny.

If you want them to be a doctor and they want to be a writer,

You can't control that.

You just need to be present and know that,

Okay,

This is my stuff I'm projecting on my kid.

What is my kid trying to show me about who they are?

And if we open our eyes to that,

It's easier to parent them.

A bit like you were saying,

You had a different love language.

And obviously at the age we are,

Our parents didn't know about these things and they did the best they could with what they knew,

But parents now know more so they can do better.

And that's why technically each generation should be better if we wake up.

Then we can pay attention.

That is my kids' love language,

Even if it's opposite to how I want to be loved.

We have to give them what they need,

Not what we think they need.

Yeah.

That's a great point.

That's something that Dave and I talk about all the time.

If you don't know,

Listeners of Living Simply might not know,

Dave is the other producer on the show that nobody ever sees.

But we talk a lot about generations and fixing the bugs.

You look at what your parents gave you and then you do a little bit better for your kids because you know more and you have the experience of that.

And they did better for you probably than their parents.

It's an evolution of knowledge and this thing that Glenn talks about all the time,

Which is the tipping point.

You're getting closer and closer and love is expanding and that positive energy and stuff.

So I think Gina,

That's a wonderful point.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

We are over time.

Ah.

Yeah.

It goes by quick.

Who knew that you guys would talk for a long time about this stuff?

And me.

I didn't know that I would talk at all on this.

All right.

So let's go through.

Who wants to go first with where you can contact people?

I'm going to go.

Well,

I guess I will.

All right.

So as far as my stuff,

Glennambros.

Com.

Glenn with two N's.

So yeah,

Go to glennambros.

Com.

All my stuff's there.

My blogs,

Vlogs,

My podcasts,

Life coaching services,

All that stuff.

So that's the best hub for me to get in touch with all my stuff.

Yeah.

Gina?

And for me,

I have drmadrigrano.

Com for all the psychology parenting stuff and for the coaching,

GinaMadrigrano.

Com.

All right.

And the links to all of that stuff will be in the description of the episode of whatever podcast you're listening to this on.

So thank you guys very much.

This was cool to do a simulcast podcast.

Thanks.

And also you guys are fantastic parents.

And I think that you showed everybody why today.

Thank you.

Thank you,

Ben.

You're welcome.

Thank you,

Gina.

Thank you,

Glenn.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadrigrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Some great insights, thanks Gina, Glenn and Ben! Love and blessings 💖 x