MIndful Parenting

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses how to practice mindful parenting in the day-to-day. The easiest and simplest way is to start by taking baby steps and live in the present moment. She explains the benefits, to the parent and the child, of being more present and self-aware.

Visit her website for more on this topic.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Welcome back everybody.

I'm Dr.

Gina and today's episode is about mindful parenting.

And hi Ali and hi Ben,

My producers.

Hi Gina.

Hi.

Yeah,

I'm excited to be here.

Me too.

So Gina,

What is mindful parenting?

I'll make this very simple.

For me,

Mindful parenting is basically parenting with presence.

Like I said in episode one,

We're pretty busy,

Our heads always at work,

The grocery list,

The laundry list,

Things we got to do,

So we're everything but present.

So mindful parenting is parenting in the present moment.

So being aware of the here and now.

Interesting.

So what are some practical,

Like where does mindful parenting get difficult?

Or actually before we go to that,

What is the easiest way to get to introduce yourself to mindful parenting?

So basically,

Mindful parenting is a bit,

If you learn how to be mindful yourself,

What it is to be mindful,

Then you'll be able to parent mindfully.

So if people can acquaint themselves to what is mindfulness,

And it's basically accepting the present moment for what it is,

Without judgment,

Without struggling to want it to go away,

Basically seeing things for what they are as they are in the present moment,

Not how we wish they were,

And work from that point.

So if I can give you an example,

Like what just happened now,

We're trying to do a podcast,

And Ali's little boy woke up,

And he's crying,

And as a parent you might go,

Oh no,

He should be sleeping,

We're doing a podcast,

It's going to interrupt,

And then you're not mindful anymore because you're wishing it wasn't there,

It wasn't happening.

So it's like,

Okay,

My boy's crying.

That's just the way it is.

So wishing that it wasn't that way is not being mindful because you're resisting what is,

Right?

So it's like,

Okay,

He's crying,

He needs something,

So let me attend to that,

And I'm going to temporarily put aside that I'm nervous,

Or it's ruining my plans right now,

And what does he need?

So it's putting aside our needs for a temporary little moment while we attend to the needs of our child,

And then we're present to what the child needs,

Not present to what we need.

So it's temporarily looking at what the child needs so we can attend to that specific situation.

And then we're not frazzled because then our kid picks up on our energy,

And then it makes the situation even worse.

Right,

Because I definitely get stressed like that,

In a particular situation.

Like yeah,

Like we're supposed to be doing this,

And now,

Oh god,

This is interrupting,

And things aren't going the right way,

But yeah.

We accept that life is messy.

That's just the way it is,

And most of the time it doesn't go as planned.

And when unplanned things happen,

We might not like it.

So being mindful doesn't mean I'm oblivious and I have no feelings.

It's just accepting things as they show up and react accordingly.

Right?

So it helps when you're in the company of other mindful parents or other mindful people,

But it's an exercise that we do in the privacy of our own heads,

And obviously the context has an impact,

But we do our best,

Right?

And then being mindful in that moment,

Like with the child,

To be like,

Okay,

Let's tend to this.

I feel like that also is going to help him in the sense of like calming down.

And is that where you can like kind of impart the mindfulness onto the child as well?

Yeah,

So if you're calm,

You're teaching your child by modeling it that everything's okay because if you're stressed out,

Your child will be stressed out,

Right?

So by modeling it,

You're teaching him how to do it,

But he's three,

So he knows how to be mindful.

We kind of undo that as our kids grow,

We can mess that up.

So we always try to teach people to come back to the innocence of a child because you know how a kid can go,

I hate you,

Mom.

And two seconds later,

They love you.

It's because they're mindful,

Right?

They hated you for that moment for whatever happened,

And then they let it go.

Right.

So I found that like,

I feel like in the past,

And it's only happened a couple of times where like I actually,

In a trying moment of him being frustrating and it's escalated and escalated,

And I'm like,

I like have yelled at him and I'm like,

This is so at all not the approach for him because as soon as that happens,

He then like escalates himself and goes completely worse than it was.

And I'm like,

Okay,

Stop and like take that moment and think for a second and be calm.

And then all of a sudden he's like so much more compliant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because when we go up,

They go up,

Right?

Yeah.

And it's the same with between grownups.

The strategy we teach in mindful parenting is the same whether you're in a couple or with friends or at work.

The strategies are very simple,

But not necessarily easy to do because we're caught up in our emotion and then different parts of the brain are involved when we're frazzled versus when we're calm.

When we're reacting from fear,

Guilt,

And it's hard to have an adequate response when we're acting from an emotional state.

So mindfulness helps us process that emotion so then we can get into problem solving.

Thanks for the point,

Gina.

I was just enjoying listening to the conversation between you guys.

So obviously like,

You know,

Ali talked a little bit about meditation when we were talking about meditation in the first episode.

Ali brought up a good point,

Which was she thinks that she doesn't practice meditation until she needs it,

Right?

So it would probably be more helpful if it was a daily practice rather than trying to use it as a fix for when you get really stressed out.

Because I feel like the time that I do choose to use it is the time that I'm absolutely unable to shut my brain off because it's like,

Well,

Now I'm so stressed.

All of these things are in my head and now I'm supposed to like shut it all down at like this peak moment of like,

Oh God.

And I feel like is that something that if it was practiced more often it might be?

So my question is,

Is that similar with mindful parenting?

If it's a practice that you try every single day,

It's easier to sort of do it when you need it,

You know,

Rather than like stuff's really hitting the fan and now I want to try to be mindful.

So the way I would say is mindful parenting is not a trick,

It's a way of being.

But at the same time,

You don't want to remove,

I don't want to put more pressure on the parents that will never be perfect.

So good is good enough.

So it's a bit like deciding to be healthy.

Are you going to eat healthy all the time or only on weekends?

So mindfulness is a way of being.

So when I do parenting skills with the parents,

I don't buy into the tips and tricks because they're very short term solutions.

I buy into a lifestyle and a way of being.

So the mindfulness is a way of being versus then a strategy.

But you know,

It's like working out,

You do a little bit till it becomes a habit,

Right?

And you don't want to put too much pressure on you.

Oh,

I need to meditate every day 20 minutes because it's never going to happen.

And especially when you're a young parent,

I don't mean young in the sense of age,

But it's new,

You're new to parenting.

So whether you're 40 or 20 and you have a little one,

You get easily overwhelmed and your time is hijacked basically,

Simply because they're more demanding of your time.

So trying to tell parents you need to meditate 20 minutes twice a day when their kids are little seems so overwhelming,

They're not going to do it.

So the way I incorporate teaching mindfulness,

Which then allows you to practice mindful parenting is for example,

We'll start with baby steps when you're going to take your shower or when you're going to brush your teeth.

While you're doing that,

Just be present.

When your brain's going to drift and you're thinking of your to do list of today,

Just for those two minutes that you're going to brush your teeth,

Just brush your teeth.

So what am I going to actually solve in those two minutes of brushing my teeth?

I think I constantly need to be thinking of something,

But I'm like,

You know,

Like what am I those two minutes?

I'm not going to come up with a solution to my entire day.

Yeah,

Exactly.

So I try to teach parents,

Why don't we incorporate mindfulness in something you're already doing?

So if you're in the shower and if your shower takes 10 minutes,

Take those 10 minutes and be in the shower and the way you're mindful is you engage your five senses,

Feel the water on your body.

So notice how the water trickles down,

Smell the soap,

Feel the pressure of the brush on your body,

Whatever it is.

Notice water goes in your mouth,

Notice the taste of the water,

The heat.

So while you're doing that,

You're being in the present moment and that's all mindfulness is.

And then your mind will naturally drift because that's what the mind does and research shows half of the time our minds gone somewhere else.

Then you just bring it back.

So you notice I'm thinking my to do list,

You come back,

Oh yeah,

The shower.

And it's that exercise of bringing your mind back to the present moment that creates all these connections in your brain that will allow you to be more present over time because you're going to notice your mind is off somewhere else and it's the act of bringing it back.

That's the brain gym basically.

So you do it while you brush your teeth and if 10 minutes in the shower is too long,

Then you're like,

Okay,

I'm just going to do it for the first two minutes of my shower.

And when you're driving,

Same thing,

If you're driving 20 minutes,

So okay,

The first five minutes I'm just going to drive and you engage your five senses.

You feel the steering wheel under your fingers,

You feel the vibration in your feet,

You notice the cars in front of you,

The trees,

The snow if you're in the snow,

If they're birds.

And it's as simple as that.

So you incorporated different times of the day during different activities you're already doing.

And that's mindfulness.

That sounds like a less scary approach to being like,

Yeah,

Meditating 20 minutes a day like.

Yeah.

And baby steps,

Right?

And then you try,

You can say,

Okay,

Once a week,

I'll do a silent meditation.

So with a timer where you just listen to your breath,

For example,

And you say,

Okay,

Just two minutes a week and you force yourself not to do more.

And naturally you'll want to do more over time.

So then it could be twice a week.

And then even people who meditate all the time,

There'll be days where they're going to skip and it's no big deal.

So part of the mindful parenting or mindful living is also removing judgment.

Right?

Because judgment is what gets us in trouble.

I should be doing more.

I shouldn't have done that.

I'm not good enough.

I messed up.

So if we stay to noticing,

Oh,

I'm judging,

We let go of the judgment.

We're removing the emotional charge of what's happening because it's the judgment that gets us in trouble.

Right?

We feel we're not good enough.

We get frustrated,

Overwhelmed.

And yeah,

It doesn't mean if you practice mindfulness,

You'll never be angry.

You'll always be Zen.

But it could at least take less of an emotional toll on you.

Yeah.

So the unnecessary,

It'll get rid of the unnecessary stress you put on yourself.

Right?

Life will happen and it will be an external stressor,

But how do you not turn pain into suffering?

And that's when we get caught up in our mind.

Pain is inevitable,

But suffering is optional.

So I don't know if it makes sense.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And like that approach to everything sounds so much like so applicable for anyone.

I feel like I can easily be like,

Okay,

Just,

Or at least try to like put that into my day and overall just like stop my mind from constantly running like a thousand miles a minute because that's tiring.

Yeah.

And the mind's going to run.

Your mind will never stop.

It'll stop when you're dead.

But what mindfulness helps you with is which thoughts are you going to put your focus on?

Right?

So I always tell clients,

It doesn't matter if the thought that pops in is true or not.

Ask yourself,

Is it useful or not that I focus on that right now?

Right.

So because the mind will play tricks on you because it'll go,

Of course it's true.

Yes.

Example.

Yes.

But he is crying.

Yes.

It's interrupting.

Yeah.

So is it useful to engage in thoughts that resist that?

That reality,

It's not useful.

So the next best thing is,

Okay,

Let's focus on he's crying.

What does he need?

For example.

Right.

And then your stress goes down as a result of that.

So it happens when they have tantrums.

It happens when you're doing dishes and you don't want to do dishes.

Okay.

I got to do dishes.

I have no choice.

So how do I make this more enjoyable?

We feel the warm water.

We remove the gloves.

We feel the soap.

We notice the sounds of the dishes clinging or the smell of the soap,

The feel of the warm water.

And then next thing you know,

You're done doing the dishes.

If you do the dishes,

I could be doing something else.

This is boring.

Then doing dishes becomes very painful.

I found one specific scenario that I always find myself fully,

I think,

Being mindful or like at least to the best of my extent of it is if I'm cooking,

If I'm without my son,

If my son's not here because it's different.

It's the only time I feel like that I don't need to put music on or I don't need to really think about anything and I'm actually fully present in what I'm doing.

And I've noticed that over the past few weeks.

I think,

Ben,

We might've even,

I don't know if it was you I talked about it with or not,

But I talked to someone specifically recently about like,

That's the only time I feel like I can completely,

I'm very aware and very focused on just that.

And it's so refreshing to be like,

Well,

That's nice.

Yeah.

And so you already know how to do it.

We all know how to be mindful because we're already doing it.

So we just need to export that to other areas of our life.

I'm guessing you enjoy cooking.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're not resisting it,

Right?

Right.

You're enjoying it.

You're smelling the elements.

You're looking at them.

You're looking at the recipe or you're improvising.

You're fully immersed in it.

And in that moment in time,

All your problems disappear.

Right.

So taking that same idea and putting it into the other parts where the stresses and all that,

Just,

Yeah,

You need to do that.

Yeah.

Because your problems will still be there.

Right.

So they go in the background and you put the attention on the foreground,

Which is I'm cooking and I'll deal with the other stuff later.

So in that little moment in time,

You're fully present and the present moment is the only moment that really exists.

The past is a memory.

The past becomes a thought.

The future is just a thought and it doesn't exist either.

So when you're cooking,

You're really in this moment in time.

This has been such an awesome conversation about mindfulness.

And I think that we laid a lot of the groundwork for what's to come in the podcast,

Which I'm really excited about.

And there's so many times during this episode that I thought of other subjects and other podcast episodes that I can't wait to get to.

But this is the,

You know,

The show's only going to be so long.

And like you said,

Gina,

Baby steps.

So I can't wait to dive into this more.

And Allie,

I hope you're getting a lot out of this.

Oh,

Absolutely.

That's great.

Yeah.

So,

Gina,

Do you have anything else you want to say before we start wrapping up?

No,

That's good.

It was awesome having fun here.

Awesome.

Glad.

All right.

And where can people find you?

So my website is drmadrigrano.

Com.

Awesome.

All right.

Well,

That's it for this episode.

Thank you guys.

Thank you,

Gina.

Bye.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadrigrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Love it ❤️

Thanks, I needed to hear this. Very good advice and tips

So helpful and simple.

Nice Meditation

Great way to explain mindfulness