Living A Value Driven Life

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses how to live a value driven life instead of a fear or guilt driven life. She shares simple steps to follow to identify your values and set your life goals accordingly in order to live wholeheartedly.

For more info or to book an appointment with Dr. Gina, visit drmadrigrano.com, you can find there a free ebook and valuable resources.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hi,

Everybody.

Welcome to the show.

Hi,

Ben.

Hey,

Gina.

How are you?

I'm super good.

I miss Allie.

I know.

Me too.

Well,

I mean,

A little bit less because I saw her this morning and I'll see her again in a little bit,

But today we are talking about a value-driven life and more specifically how to make choices that are based on love instead of fear.

So that's a really interesting topic.

I'm excited to hear what you think about it,

What your thoughts are.

So what does that mean to you to live a value-driven life?

So what gave me the idea of this topic is based on my practice,

Whether it's with parents,

Adults on their own or teenagers,

Even kids,

Is I noticed people make a lot of choices out of fear or out of guilt,

But mostly when you deep dive deep into the issues,

They make choices out of fear.

And often these choices go against their nature,

Their values.

And in the end,

When you constantly make choices out of fear or guilt,

I ended up seeing people being stressed,

Anxious,

Depressed,

Frustrated,

Angry,

Name it.

And in the end,

It's always this,

They're scared of something and they'll make choices basically to make the fear go away.

So my job with them is to help them reconnect with themselves,

Their true nature,

What they like,

What they don't like,

And how to make better choices.

And how do we make better choices instead of it being a knee jerk reaction or reaction just to make the fear go away is to bring people back to their values,

What really matters to them.

So that when fear pops in,

And it will,

It's inevitable where human beings is when to know to feel the fear and just do it anyway.

Or know the fear will pass.

And what will get us to get through the fear is the long term goal,

Which is our value.

So what really matters to us is what will drive us and not motivation.

Because most of the time when it comes to doing the difficult stuff,

We're not motivated to do it.

So what will motivate us is to look a bit further and think what matters to me most in this situation.

That makes a lot of sense because motivation is fleeting.

Motivation is momentary.

But what you place value on,

What matters to you is what's going to keep you going through.

If something,

If something really has value to it,

You know,

You're going to survive the ups and downs of motivation and lack of motivation.

And it's easy to be motivated when you like something.

Right.

It's really easy.

But usually when we're,

When we have to make difficult decisions and difficult choices,

Usually the emotion or feelings that come with that are not positive.

So automatically,

We're not motivated to do it.

And that's where the work of Mel Robbins,

The one,

The one who wrote the five second rule is your mind will do anything to get you out of it because you're not motivated.

So you'll fall prey to your fear.

And you'll do anything to make that feeling go away.

Thank you for reminding me about the five second rule.

That's I found that very helpful for a little while.

And well,

Can you explain just a little bit about what that is?

Because,

Because that,

That getting you out of,

You know,

Getting you out of all of the reasons to not do something is great.

So can you just elaborate for people that might not know what you're talking about?

Yeah.

So as we know,

Our mind processes 100 miles an hour.

So in a single day,

Research shows we have 60 to 80,

000 thoughts a day,

Which is more than 1.

2 thoughts per second.

So without even knowing it,

We can talk ourselves out of something very quickly.

And if we think of the fight or flight response,

So I call it our caveman brain,

It will think super quickly.

So the five second rule with Robin says,

And I don't,

I can't quote the research because I don't know which one she's referring to.

But you once you have a thought,

I'll use an example,

Oh,

I should work out.

The minute you have that thought,

You go 54321.

So you need to count down and just do what you said you would do.

Because if you don't,

You'll talk yourself out of it.

Whether it's you'll have a thought,

Oh,

I'll do it later.

Or Oh,

After breakfast,

Your mind will come up with an argument without you necessarily being aware of it.

And there you go,

You're not working out.

So she discovered that counting down within five seconds,

You'll get to what you're doing instead of hoping to be motivated.

So anything,

Anything that you don't want to do,

Or you're not sure you're going to do it.

Even the smallest thing,

You just train your brain to just do it within five seconds.

Yeah,

That's,

Um,

That's a powerful thing.

So how do you how do you go about this,

Like,

You know,

What,

Whatever you place value on whatever you think matters,

How to make decisions towards that?

How do you discover what matters for yourself?

So the way I go about it with clients,

We literally sit down and people listening to the show can probably find it.

There's a questionnaire called value living questionnaire v l q,

And it lists your values.

So education,

Spirituality,

Health,

Family,

Children,

Etc.

So first,

Do you get to see what matters to you on a scale of one to 10?

And then the set the same questionnaire again,

You score it,

How are my actions reflecting my values?

So example,

Let's say I found you health at a nine or 10.

But in practice,

I only eat chips,

Potatoes,

Hot dogs,

I don't work out.

I'm on the couch watching TV the minute I have a break.

So in action,

I would probably score one.

So we notice a discrepancy between our values.

And if we're putting them into practice,

Right.

So that's the first step is awareness like for anything else,

If you're not aware,

You can't change it.

That is very true.

So that is called vlq.

Yeah,

Values living questionnaire.

Okay,

I'm gonna have to do that because I think that the example that you used was pretty accurate.

So I have to make sure that I look at that.

So what sort of things,

Obviously you mentioned the five second rule,

What other sort of strategies or tactics can you use to make sure that once you are aware of your values,

You can make sure that you're making those decisions and taking those actions to live up to your values.

So I push it to the second step where I push it further.

So just saying,

For example,

That health matters at a nine is not enough.

So I help people clear up make it clear.

So example,

If you value your kids,

Let's say,

Oh,

Yeah,

My value my kids at nine or 10.

Okay,

What do you value about them?

What matters?

Oh,

I want to spend time with them.

I want to teach them how to be active,

I want to teach them to give back.

I want to teach them to be good with money.

So I make them go beyond the just my kids matter.

I make them clarify the specifics of how they want that value to show up in their life.

Because if you're not specific,

How can you put action behind it?

So I could value health very differently than you do.

So I need to clarify,

Let's say I say,

Oh,

I need to exercise.

Yeah,

How?

What what kind of exercise?

How many times a week?

And why do you want to be healthy?

Oh,

Because I want to.

So I'm an older mom,

I had her I was 42.

So I want to be able to play sports with her for a long time.

I want to be able to be in my body and walk and run with her.

So do you see how people need to visualize it in details so that it makes sense to them?

Because I need to bring them out of their head and into their heart.

And if you don't clarify,

It makes you feel something.

You won't be driven by your value.

So I don't know if it makes sense to you.

Absolutely.

So that was step two was push it further be specific.

Is there a step three?

Yeah,

So then let's say we have all these values,

Then we work on whatever's difficult for them.

So what I often find a big,

Big difficulty with people is self care.

They always put their own health and welfare last.

But it's also a bias of the population I see,

Right.

So then what we do is,

How do we implement your value?

So if we use a simple example of health,

And they go,

I'm going to work out more.

No,

Let's set a plan and let's schedule it.

Because just saying you're going to work out more,

You're not going to do it because you hate working out.

And you're going to find better things to do than work out.

So I have them,

For example,

Create a Google Calendar document and put them in their calendar,

Let's say four times a week at this time consistently.

And but they book it in as if it was a medical appointment.

Or if it was their child's recital,

You know,

They're going to show up.

And then,

Then we schedule so we literally schedule time for themselves.

So self care,

It's in there.

So even if it's,

I wake up in the morning,

I'm going to meditate,

Do a bit of yoga,

Some like fine,

You're going to schedule it because if you don't,

You're going to not going to do it.

So I help them translate the value into specific actions that they can implement.

So it becomes their blueprint for their life.

And they get to,

At the end of the day,

What we do is we set up a habit to look back on their day.

And how did they reach their goals or not?

And how can I do better the next day?

So I add,

There's multiple steps,

But if I summarize it,

That's how we kind of go about it.

So,

All right,

So that's,

That's amazing.

That's a,

That is a structured plan,

You know?

Step one,

Awareness.

Become aware of your values,

You know,

Take stock and then,

And then step two was to push it further.

Be specific,

You know,

Take it from your head into your heart.

And step three was to work on what's difficult,

To implement the things that you need to do to make a plan and schedule and take stock.

I've heard a phrase many times,

Oh,

And it,

And it just slipped my mind.

What's measured is,

I can't think of it right now.

You know what I'm talking about?

Nope.

I'm going to Google it anyway.

The point is if you can't,

If you can't take,

You know,

Schedule something,

Plan it,

And then check back to see how you're doing,

Then how do you know what you're,

You know,

How you're doing?

Yeah,

Exactly.

It all comes back to self-awareness,

Right?

And presence and looking back on your day so that you can reassess and readjust.

Yeah.

What's measured is managed.

Ah,

What is,

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't believe I forgot that.

Yay.

So how do you make,

All right,

So that's how you make self care decisions,

Right?

About things that are internal,

Working out,

Eating healthy,

Spending time with your children,

That stuff.

What about external decisions?

Specifically,

I'm thinking I just,

I had a quote that I loved last week.

It really meant a lot to me because I needed it last week from Moss Hart,

Who's a famous Broadway producer.

This is a quote from him.

I've had many successes and many failures in my life.

My successes have always been for different reasons,

But my failures have always been for the same reason.

I said yes when I meant no.

Yes.

I read it on your Facebook page.

So what's the external stuff?

How do you try to make value based decisions based on that?

Well,

So if we use the example of saying yes when you really mean no,

It'll be easy.

So example,

Someone asks you a favor and you're really tired and you're not sure and you self aware,

No,

You have a hard time saying no.

So let's say we use people pleasing.

People are people pleasers are scared to disappoint people or they're scared people won't like them.

So there's the fear.

So if,

If you say yes,

But really you,

If you look inside,

You'd rather say no,

Let's say cause you're too tired,

You've had a difficult week,

You have too much on your plate and you take stock.

Well do it.

If I,

If there was no fear,

No consequence to me saying no,

Would I say yes or no?

So the first is to check in and you're like,

Yeah,

I'd say no.

Okay.

What am I scared of?

So the stuff I just mentioned,

Right?

Oh,

They'll be mad at me.

Maybe they won't talk to me anymore.

Okay.

So let's say I say yes,

But I mean no.

And it takes away time from my spouse,

My kids.

I'm like,

Okay,

Is this following my values?

No,

I'm cutting into time with my kids and my spouse,

Let's say.

And but I've decided my family is at a nine priority versus this other thing,

Which in my value living questionnaire would be a five priority.

So am I living in line with my values or am I saying yes?

Cause I'm scared.

So it forces you to stop.

And a trick,

I didn't invent this trick is a stall tactic.

Meaning someone asks a favor and you say,

Let me get back to you.

I need to check my schedule.

I can't answer you on the top of my head right now cause I don't know if I have other stuff.

So it gets you out of the immediate emotion of overwhelm and fear because then you decide on fear and not on your values,

Which requires you to slow down.

So that's why the stalling tactic works because then caveman brain has time to calm down.

You have time to notice,

You know,

What are my,

I'm,

I'm scared of,

And then you can go,

Yeah,

This makes no sense.

I can't say yes to this and this is a really good friend.

They'll still be my friend.

And if,

If not,

Well,

Are they really a good friend?

And then you go back to your values.

Does friendship matter?

How do I want to be treated by my friends?

So then it links you to the other value of friendship.

What do I want out of my friends?

How do I want to feel with my friends and so forth?

Big smile.

Yeah.

All right.

So it's,

It's almost time to wrap up the episode.

Um,

As always,

We end with a moment of gratitude.

Um,

And,

Uh,

I'll go first,

Um,

So that you can end.

And uh,

Today I'm grateful for this podcast.

Um,

I really enjoy it.

Uh,

I've enjoyed every episode so far,

But I really loved this one and,

Um,

It was a topic that I learned a lot from and that I can use a lot from.

And um,

That's,

That's really great.

So today I'm grateful for you and for this podcast and this episode in particular.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

I appreciate it.

It's funny cause I was thinking something similar.

Um,

I was grateful for you for making this easy for me because,

Um,

I've been wanting to do a podcast for at least four years,

But my anxiety,

My fear,

Nervousness,

Uh,

Was holding me back,

But it was also going against my values because I really wanted to do this.

Um,

Because I like helping people sending the message out there and you make it so easy.

So I'm grateful for you for that.

Thank you very much.

Um,

All right.

Where can people find you?

Drjina.

Ca and on Facebook and Twitter,

Dr.

Gina.

Awesome.

All right,

Gina,

Thank you so much.

Thank you Ben.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmandragrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Thanks for the podcast and the gentle reminders. Would love to hear more about value based living and goal setting and how our values are interlinked and not understanding may lead to confusion or chaos in a world of order. This stuff is missing in our education today. The ancient cultures had this innate knowing. Please elaborate. Many thanks.

Really useful and insightful, thank you 💜x

Really enjoyed listening to this, powerful insight, and gentle reminders