Learning To Ask For Help

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses the many reasons women hesitate or refuse to ask for help. Fear of vulnerability, lack of trust, low self-esteem, shame, not wanting to bother people, faulty beliefs and trauma responses are some of the answers surveyed women provided. Dr. Gina explains how to overcome not asking for help by changing your beliefs, knowing your worth, and knowing who to trust.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hello,

Everybody.

Welcome to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina Madrigal-Grano.

There you are.

I'm Ben Barber.

This is Crystal Tubbs as well,

Another producer on the show.

Hey,

Crystal.

Hey.

Good.

Dr.

Gina,

How are you?

I'm good.

How about you guys?

Wonderful.

Thank you so much for asking.

I appreciate it.

So what are we talking about today?

Asking for help.

So I was inspired by a post I saw in a Facebook group I was in where the question was,

What's harder for you to ask?

Ask for help,

Say I love you or apologize.

And in that group,

99% of the answers were asking for help.

So I thought,

Hmm,

Let's see about in my group and in my community.

And it was the same thing.

And I saw the post somewhere else and there were like over 700 answers.

And most of the answers were asking for help.

So I thought,

Oh,

My gosh,

This is a pretty common issue and it's worth discussing.

So I got curious and then I asked my community and I checked the other groups.

What's the reason people weren't asking for help?

So I thought we could talk about that today.

And let it be known it was all women's groups.

So I don't know the answers.

Regarding men,

But it was all women.

I guess he's not coming back.

Maybe not.

So what I did,

Ben.

Hey,

Guys.

I compiled all the answers,

So the statistician researcher in me was curious and I found categories.

Of responses.

So there were reasons relating to vulnerability.

Reasons relating to fear.

Others relating to trust and relationship to others.

Low self-esteem.

Some was just plain learned behaviors.

Trauma.

Self-protection and finally faulty beliefs.

So,

Yeah,

I thought it'd be interesting to go over some of the answers people gave,

But was curious.

First,

Do you guys ask for help?

I ask for help more now than I did before.

Definitely.

No.

So being a guy,

What's your answer?

Why don't you ask for help?

I don't know.

I'm stubborn.

That came up as an answer.

I feel like mine was like a learned behavior.

Like,

You know,

My parents,

I never saw them ask for help kind of thing.

So just figure it out.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I try to I try to not ask for help as much as possible.

I'm not saying that that's a good thing.

It's almost certainly not.

But such is life.

Yeah,

I definitely don't ask for help as much as I should.

I didn't used to ask for help either.

Was learned.

Yet I didn't see people ask for help in my family,

But different experiences that I've also seen with answers women gave asking for help and not getting it.

So it takes the courage to ask for help.

And people say,

I'll help you when you need and you ask and they don't help.

That's definitely happened to me.

Yes.

So it makes you wary to ask for help.

If you people who offer and then they don't show up.

It's a message.

Yeah.

But a big one that kept coming back up was vulnerable.

It's for some it's like,

Oh,

It shows a sign of weakness.

It shows that I can't do it.

One that was interesting is needing help shows others you're vulnerable.

So they're more apt at destroying you.

So I thought that was a pretty strong response.

That is a very strong response.

That is not one of the ones that that I've ever thought about.

But but that's very interesting to me.

Yes.

So I was the person who probably said that might have been in an abusive relationship or that makes sense for toxic relationships that you ask for help and then they use it against you.

But yeah,

Also some of it was pride and shame that if you ask for help,

It equals you're you're not qualified,

Whether it's at work.

Right.

Or you're not a good enough mom or a good enough wife or partner.

If you're asking for help,

Then I should know it all.

If I some stuff came up,

If I'm a mom and I'm married and I got this job,

I should be able to do it alone or on my own and not ask for help.

Fear came up a lot.

Example at work,

If I ask for help,

Maybe I'll lose my job.

If I ask for help,

Maybe my partner think I'm weak or.

Not good or so fear of rejection,

Fear of being turned down.

So basically asking and they'll go,

Sorry,

I can't help you.

Yeah,

A lot of it to fear of rejection.

Some people comment,

People are mean and judgy.

So if I ask for help,

They'll make they'll make fun of me or.

They'll go,

What's wrong with her?

And mean like,

Again,

Maybe this person was hurt when she asked for help.

I don't know,

I usually people will help you or not,

But.

Most people are kind,

So they won't necessarily hurt you.

Once I was in interesting was I live by myself.

If I ask a man,

They think I should pay them back with sexual favors.

Yeah,

That makes sense.

Yeah,

That's sad,

But that makes that I.

Yep.

Now you'll see that on dates.

Right.

So they paid for dinner and so now like you owe them something.

Some others,

It's easier to do it themselves.

Then that could be a control thing.

Right.

It has to be their way or the highway.

So I'm just going to do it myself.

Guilt.

If I ask for help,

They feel guilty.

Some said they can't count on others.

Some are scared that they'll be an inconvenience.

They'll bother people.

Some literally said,

I don't want to be a pain in the ass.

Self-esteem,

It's showing you're not capable.

That you're not independent.

So it's.

If I ask for help,

That means I'm highly dependent on others,

Which is not true.

Some are ashamed or embarrassed of asking for help.

Those are just a few of.

The examples.

Came up.

Those all made sense to me.

Moving on.

Now we've solved this problem.

Yes.

It's more than just stubbornness.

Right.

No,

For me,

For me,

It's definitely I don't want to be an annoyance to people.

To ask for help.

I don't want to.

Yeah,

That's that's a big issue for me is not is feeling like I'm bothering people.

And then also pride of feeling like I should be able to handle things myself.

So I don't I don't tend to ask for help.

Literally,

Even when other people are supposed to do things.

When other people are supposed to be the people that help me do something,

I still don't ask for their help until,

Like,

I absolutely need to.

And then I become more of an annoyance,

Which which is a crystal.

Would you could you could you vouch for that?

I mean,

I haven't necessarily seen that in our kind of working relationship,

But I can definitely see you doing it based on past behavior.

How's that?

I'm just too much.

I'm too much of a bother.

I'm like,

Ben,

Ben,

I need you now.

Ben,

You need to get this to me.

Hey,

Ben,

What's going on with this?

And it forces you to like,

You know,

React to it.

True,

True,

True.

So,

Yeah,

Me too.

I'm partly also worried to disturb people.

So even when people offer me like my friend Richard,

Who in the pandemic was praised at the beginning,

I was a bit scared.

Sorry.

And he offered to do my groceries.

I said yes,

But I was squirming like I was so uncomfortable.

So I I accepted the health even if I was uncomfortable,

But I was very worried I would bother him.

And I was like,

Don't go out of your way if you can't find what's on my list.

Just forget it.

And when they would go out of their way,

I feel guilty.

It's like,

No,

Please don't go out of your way.

You know,

Pick it up if it's on your run.

But so,

Yeah,

The worry of bothering people is dealt with me.

Jumping piggybacking on that for a second,

I have two roommates and one of them literally worked at a grocery store for the majority of the pandemic so far.

So she did all of the grocery shopping for us.

She was already at a store.

So that is where we got most of our food.

And she was already out.

So she would go to the bigger grocery stores once a week for us.

And I am so uncomfortable asking someone for anything,

Even though I'm paying for it,

That I think that I maybe have asked for four things since the pandemic started.

So from the store,

Like cumulatively,

You know,

That might be a low number,

But it realistically can't be more than 10 things in six months.

Have I actually said,

You know,

Oh,

Yeah,

What do you need from the store this week?

I'm like,

Literally to the point where Dave,

Our other roommate,

Has to be like,

Hey,

So I noticed that you're on a body wash.

So I put that on the list.

You're running low.

It's because he thinks you're stinky.

It's not because he wants to help you.

No,

We're,

You know,

He's like,

Hey,

You're,

You know,

I noticed that the toothpaste in your bathroom is low.

So,

You know,

Ask for that stuff.

And I'm like,

I don't want to bother anybody.

And I feel terrible,

Like not going out to the store.

But yeah,

So I'm terribly uncomfortable being forced to ask for help.

Yeah,

I don't know if I've ever been quite that bad.

I'm so sorry,

Ben.

Oh,

No,

No,

No,

It's bad.

Yeah,

Yeah.

No,

I literally like.

.

.

What would happen if you ran out of body wash?

I'm just curious.

All right,

So the body wash was a bad example because we actually,

This is getting too personal.

We share a shower,

So we have one.

So the body wash wasn't the right one.

It was mouthwash.

Because,

Yeah,

It was mouthwash because they have a private bath where they have their,

Like,

Toothpaste and stuff.

So it wasn't,

It wasn't body wash.

But I could,

I could very realistically run out of toothpaste and almost did.

So what would you do,

Though?

If I ran out of toothpaste.

Would you go to the store yourself?

If I ran out of toothpaste right now,

I would want to go to the store myself right now.

I have not been inside of a store since March.

That is a true story.

I am of higher risk.

I almost died during the last pandemic.

And,

But I,

I know I would be forced to ask.

Like,

That's the,

I would be forced to ask at that point.

So that is,

So that is that.

I mean,

You know,

It's,

It's one of those things.

Crystal,

I literally,

I had to ask you at the last minute on Saturday to put up something on,

You know,

Because I,

Because I just,

Like,

In my head should be able to handle everything.

But.

Right.

And you're literally doing something where you are in charge of doing that stuff.

But I didn't,

I didn't ask you because I didn't want to annoy you until I went,

Oh,

Crap.

I'm only annoyed that you waited so long to ask.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So,

Yeah,

No,

It happens.

It happens literally all the time.

I try to,

I try to do five things at once.

And then,

And then,

You know,

I have to ask for help at the last second,

Which makes everybody mad.

Some people do ask for help when they have no more choice,

Like when they're sick.

Yep.

Or they're pushed against the wall.

But asking for help is,

Is partly an act of self-love and self-care.

It's not about being incompetent or not being able to.

That's why I'm bad at it.

It's,

It's,

It's.

I got it now.

It's part of basically example delegating,

Right?

Like,

I get my daughter to help out with chores and stuff.

I won't say I don't feel guilty.

I do.

But I know it's a good thing.

And it's not because I can't do those things myself.

But sometimes it's about what matters most.

So if it's asking a friend,

A colleague,

It could just be,

I need a bit more time for myself so we can do fun things together.

Or if,

If you have a sore back,

Let's say,

It's,

Well,

What about not making my back condition worse?

And then it's,

Then I'll be forced to ask people to help me all the time.

So it's,

It's not a reflection of our abilities.

Although if we lack a certain ability,

That's OK too.

It's,

You can still love yourself even if you're not perfect and don't have the ability.

You know,

If you have a skill in one thing,

But you suck at another,

Who cares?

You hire a cleaning lady if you suck at cleaning your house,

Right?

I'm very,

I'm very concerned with the feeling of being perceived,

Perceived as lazy.

I once hurt my back really bad and then spent two hours doing dishes on a low sink and messed it up even more and got yelled at by Dave for doing that.

And I was,

I don't want to ask for people to do other things for me because I feel stupid all about,

Like asking,

Like,

I get like,

Oh,

I can't,

Like,

It's hard to admit that you can't do something or that you shouldn't do something.

Like it makes you,

It makes you feel,

This is,

This is just my personal perspective,

One of,

One of my perspectives,

I guess it makes you feel like,

Not worthless,

But worth less.

Like,

You know,

Reduces your,

Yeah,

There's something wrong with you,

But it's not a feeling when you think about it.

It's a faulty belief.

You feel like you would be,

It diminishes your worth,

But it's a thought,

Right?

It's a judgment you're making.

It's an assumption you're making about other people's perceptions.

And I don't know if you've ever experienced this,

But you know how some people have too much pride to ask for help?

It can even push me to a point where it makes me angry.

It's like,

I can't believe you would rather fall than let me help you walk,

Let's say.

100%.

Right?

It's,

You're going to be worse if you fall,

Let's say it's an elderly.

You could break your hips,

End up in the hospital,

Then you're really going to bother people because now they'll have to take care of you.

So let them help you up the stairs or walk.

It's not a sign that you're weak or a diminished worth or value.

People love to help.

And when we don't let people help us,

We also rob them of the joy of doing an act of kindness.

So I think I can tell you exactly when I learned how to ask for help.

And it's because,

Again,

I didn't have a choice.

You know,

You kind of mentioned that I had a back injury around Christmas 2010 where I severely herniated a desk and I couldn't even bend over to like put my shoes on to go to the doctor's office.

And so like that,

You know,

At that point there was nothing else I could do.

I had to kind of let go of not asking for help because I didn't have another choice.

And so that was,

I think being in that situation,

Which I do not recommend for anyone,

It's very humbling.

And it shows you,

You know,

People are willing to be there for you and to go the extra mile and put on your shoes,

You know.

So.

Yeah,

You experienced the discomfort of asking for help because you had no choice,

But the outcome was so positive that it taught you that it's okay to ask for help.

Right.

What's interesting about your story that you just said that sort of resonates with me is that I realize now as we're saying this that I think that one of the things that I do is that if I'm in a situation where I need like medical help because of everything that's happened with the H1N1 10 years ago,

11 years ago,

And some subsequent stuff since from that.

I am,

If I have to go to the hospital or something,

If it's a medical situation,

I am also,

I'm ready to ask for help.

I'm good.

I'm like,

Yeah,

Do whatever you got to do.

Like,

You know,

Let's just let's let's get rid of this thing.

But in the,

I think that because of that,

Because of those experiences,

Like the severe experience,

Like Crystal just said,

I am now so hyper vigilant to not be in need of help outside of that situation that like,

I don't want to,

I don't want to ask for people's help.

Other than,

You know,

If I absolutely need it in that sort of situation,

Because it feels like you're broken,

And you can't fix your,

Like,

And you can't do anything about it.

And so I think that I'm more hyper vigilant about not asking for help now,

Because of those situations that had the opposite effect for Crystal.

I mean,

Going,

You know,

Having someone take you to the hospital is so in my situation,

I couldn't sit,

Stand or walk for more than five minutes without being in excruciating pain.

And so there wasn't like a choice for me of either having help or not having help or going to the hospital or not going to have like,

I mean,

There's a whole story involved with it.

But,

You know,

That was from,

I think it was December 23 to April when I finally had emergency surgery for my back.

So I mean,

That's four months,

Four and a half months that had to go through that.

And that,

I mean,

It definitely changes your perspective.

That's for sure.

But I understand that too.

I mean,

Before that,

I didn't ask anyone for help.

You know,

Either they didn't show up or didn't help or they messed it up more,

I thought,

You know,

Because you're a perfectionist.

It's what I was going to say is the right people will help you.

So those who've experienced trauma or been in abusive or toxic relationships,

It's normal.

You don't want to be vulnerable with these people and ask for help because the experience was really bad.

So it's not the asking for help that's wrong.

It's the people you asked.

Because the right people,

People who love you,

People who support you,

They see your worth,

They see your value and you deserve to be helped.

You don't need to earn it.

You don't owe people.

I don't know,

Think about it.

You guys,

When you offer help,

Do you keep tabs or do you offer out of the kindness of your heart?

Totally have a score book.

Yeah,

I have a ledger.

If I don't want to,

If I think I'm going to keep tabs,

I don't help because then I know I'm helping.

I'm offering my help because I have an expectation at the other end.

So then I try to make the effort because in the past I would help a lot of people,

But then I realized maybe I was helping because I was trying to make friends and it wouldn't be reciprocated,

But it wasn't fair on them because they didn't ask for my help.

Right.

And so you want to be sure on your end,

Are you offering help because there are strings attached or it's pure kindness that you feel empathy and you want to help these people.

So it's not the act of asking for help.

It's literally why you're asking,

Who you're asking and to know who you can trust and be vulnerable with.

100%.

Yeah.

It's a very scary situation when,

And I'm fortunate enough to not be someone that's ever had to experience this,

But when you've had a terrible situation like that and you're literally afraid to ask people for help,

That is,

Being somebody who's never had to experience that,

That is so terrifying.

And how do you get past that?

Like when it's truly been a really bad situation.

That it's traumatic.

Yeah,

That it's traumatic.

Yeah.

So I think that comes out in the process of therapy and healing and to learn to develop clear boundaries and healthy relationships because it was real that these people could not be trusted and they hurt them.

So it's to rebuild themselves,

Their self-esteem,

Know their worth and surround themselves with the right people and basically be willing to experience the discomfort of asking for help and trusting that they'll be okay.

Final thoughts before we move on to the moment of gratitude?

I got nothing.

All right.

So it is now time every episode we end with a moment of gratitude.

Dr.

Gina,

Can you tell us why we do that?

Because it transforms our lives for the better when we focus on what's right with our world versus focusing on what's not right.

Thank you so much.

All right.

KT,

It's up to you.

You go first.

Well,

So I do this every time I kind of think about my back injury and my gratitude today will be for being able to walk,

Being able to move around the world.

I experienced what it was like not to be able to do that and to be in constant pain.

And I'm always grateful that I'm not anymore.

Awesome.

I am going to say that this week and specifically right now,

I am going to take a moment to be very grateful for all of the people in my life that are helpers and that I can count on to help no matter what the situation is.

And I don't lean on them as much as I maybe I should.

And that also can be aggravating to them sometimes.

But I but I do really appreciate everything that they that they do.

So I'm grateful for them.

Well,

Same here in line with this theme.

I'm grateful for the people that I can trust and make it easy to ask for help and who offer help.

I really appreciate these people.

So I'm really grateful for them.

Awesome.

OK,

So if you guys want to get a hold of any of us,

You can check out Crystal's work at Brave and Bold,

Braveandmoldwriter.

Com.

She'll help you put your business online.

And she is terrific at what she does.

Dr.

Gina,

Tell us a little bit about what you got going on with your course.

Yeah,

So still available for free.

My five day life clarity formula.

It's at womenofclarity.

Com.

So we got a nice little whatever you call it.

Because the other one became defective for some reason.

I created that course.

So because when you don't have clarity,

You don't know where to start,

What to fix in your life and what direction,

What next steps you need to take.

So I created it to help people find some clarity and they can be part of the free Facebook group that's connected to that program.

Awesome.

I love seeing all of the activity in that Facebook group,

Too.

That's pretty.

Yeah.

The community that's growing there is awesome.

So please check that out and become part of that community.

And where can people find you if they just want to reach out?

Maybe they want some coaching or to ask you a question.

So dr.

Madrigrano.

Com or the Facebook group,

Women of Clarity.

Awesome.

All right,

Guys.

Crystal,

You want to say anything before we go?

No.

No,

I'm good.

Thank you,

Guys.

Please join us every week on Mondays.

Unless it's Thanksgiving for our Canadian friends.

So please join us every week,

6 p.

M.

Eastern on Mondays.

Thank you guys so much.

And we'll talk to you soon.

Thank you.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadrigrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Important to ask for help and also have people who are willing to give it when you really need it.

This sounded all too familiar. Now I understand why I seldom ask for help even though I don’t mind asking for help.... it’s the wrong people I’m asking. It doesn’t help that they make me feel unworthy of being helped too. I really enjoyed this podcast. Thanks guys.