Ingredients For Successful Parenting

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses how parenting can become a zone of conflict for couples. She offers multiple strategies on how to get on the same page, how to co-parent, and the best approaches to take to foster a secure attachment between parent and child.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey everybody,

Welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina.

Dr.

Gina,

How's it going in Canada today?

It's going freezing cold,

But very nice and bright,

So it's really nice.

Awesome,

And we have Crystal in Colorado back with us.

Crystal,

How are you in Colorado?

I'm doing well.

It's actually going to be in the 50s today,

But snow on Sunday,

So I'm enjoying the warm weather while I can.

Awesome,

And today,

Dr.

Gina,

We are talking about something that I'm really excited about,

Although I don't need it yet.

But hopefully,

You know,

Someday.

Ingredients for successful parenting.

Can you tell us a little bit about why you chose this topic and an overview of what we're going to talk about?

I chose this topic because it doesn't matter who I'm working with,

Parenting comes up.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world,

So it's always fun to get good advice and guidance in that area,

So I like to be of service and help people out a bit in that department.

Awesome.

So let's talk about the first thing.

Why do you think parenting is,

You know,

A really big zone of conflict for couples?

Because a lot of people don't prepare before they get married or have kids and don't discuss their parenting styles.

So more often than not,

When I work in my practice,

I see parents are not on the same page,

And usually it's a zone of conflict because when kids are sources of arguments because they disagree with how to discipline,

How to address it,

If parents contradict themselves.

So it becomes very,

Very personal,

And they end up arguing about it,

Fighting,

Disagreeing,

Being frustrated.

Some will even go into fear.

So yeah,

And I think it's a zone of conflict,

Like I said,

Because people don't talk about it before they have kids.

I mean,

Kind of on that same subject,

How do you think,

I mean parents maybe who have kids and are having trouble or maybe who are expecting,

How do you think they should come together to figure out the common ground to co-parent?

So that's a good term.

So first co-parenting means you're collaborating with each other,

Whereas I think we've talked about this before,

Parallel parenting is they parent independently and they don't consult each other.

So a big way to consult is to both parents get clear on their values.

So parenting is not just about tips and tricks and discipline,

It's looking at the end in mind and thinking,

What kind of grownups do I want these little ones to become?

And then connect it to your values,

What matters to you,

And then you decide what are your family rules and rituals and habits you want to instill based on your values.

And then that makes it a lot easier as a starting point.

Yeah.

What would you say is,

Yeah,

It makes a lot of sense.

Crystal?

Yeah,

I was just going to,

I was wondering,

I imagine most people don't put a lot of thought into their values.

Are there any tips for kind of going deep and figuring that out?

Yeah,

We have a whole episode on that and I'm working on that right now.

So basically,

There's a lot of books on addressing your values,

Whether it's in the business world or in your personal life,

But it's usually part of the bigger picture of books.

So it's hard to find a book only on personal values,

But basically getting clear on what you want to give your life,

How you want to give your life direction.

So values are not goals,

They're a way of being every day.

So behaviors you want to have on a day to day basis.

So sometimes we help people clarify four or five main values,

And then that will dictate their behaviors.

Makes sense.

And that's a brief answer to a more complicated question.

And there's a full episode about it.

And I'm sure that we're going to talk about it many,

Many,

Many more times in the future.

So how do you feel about,

Like,

How do people prepare to be parents or prepare while being a parent?

Because preparing for being a parent to a baby is different than a toddler,

Is different than a preschooler,

Is different than an elementary schooler.

So what would you say is like the first step towards that?

So once you've determined what kind of little people you want to have in your life and how you want them to turn out,

Then you're probably going to guide your parenting style.

So I would say people should educate themselves about parenting.

And I know there's 100 million books out there,

But if I could narrow it down is educate yourself,

Especially about attachment,

Because that's the foundation for the kids the rest of their life.

So how to promote a successful and secure attachment between you and your child.

Books on conscious parenting,

Positive parenting,

Parenting with presence,

And basically attachment parenting,

I think are really,

Really good place to start as opposed to looking for tips and tricks,

Because then you're constantly going to need new tips and tricks.

So if you work on the foundation of the relationship,

And you build a strong relationship,

It's a lot easier to get compliance,

To get them to respect you and listen to you,

Because there's a trusting relationship between the parent and the child.

Can you expand a little bit more on attachment?

What healthy attachment looks like?

And you don't have to go super in depth because I guarantee now that that's going to be its own episode where you can talk about it at length.

But can you just give us a little bit more behind the curtain of what you mean when you're talking about attachment?

Because I think we think of attachment a lot of times in negative terms only.

Yes,

Attachment is the connection between the parent and the child.

So there's different kinds of attachments.

So the one we strive for is a secure attachment.

Then there's anxious attachment,

Avoidant attachment.

So depending on your parenting,

You will create one or the other.

So if you're not consistently present with your child,

You're there sometimes,

You're not there all the time.

It can promote insecure and anxious attachment and a parent who's more,

Could be abusive,

Who's not present,

More neglectful,

Can promote more insecure attachment,

Insecure avoidant attachment.

So these are the kids that literally shut down from their emotions to survive.

And by present,

Do you mean physical,

Physically present or emotionally present or both?

I would say a bit of both,

But especially emotionally present,

Being a validating parent who's in tune with the child.

So if we go back to the episode on our basic need for connection,

It looks at all these six areas that are important to create a healthy connection between people.

Being attuned to your child's needs,

Validating,

Seeing them,

Affection,

Appreciation.

So yeah,

Parenting with presence.

It's not just about being physically there because the child could be physically next to you and you totally ignore it and dismiss them.

I'm curious kind of how this plays out in discipline too as well.

You know,

Because you don't,

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Like in my experience,

Like spanking was kind of the norm and that kind of thing.

But you know,

It might not be the right way for you as you move forward,

Like in your parenting or someone who's deciding to become a parent.

So what do you kind of recommend as far as that?

So that too is a great episode on discipline.

So yeah,

Any form of discipline that's authoritarian,

Which is either emotional,

Physical abuse that totally dismisses the child's needs,

That is based on punishment and reward.

It doesn't help to build a secure attachment and it creates secondary problems.

The thing with,

If we think of discipline with little kids,

So zero to seven,

It's more about teaching and standing in your authority in a loving way than punishing and rewarding them.

Because just punishing and reward doesn't work and it creates extrinsic motivation,

Meaning you don't behave well because you want to be a good person.

You behave well because you're scared or for what you're going to get in return.

So discipline,

I believe more in the kind of discipline that's adapted to the age of the child as opposed to one trick,

One size fits all for everybody.

And how would you go into authoritative parenting?

So it's more standing firm and standing in your values and teaching your child from that kind of perspective?

Yeah,

So authoritative versus authoritarian.

So authoritarian would be like a dictatorship.

So it's a one way street.

You do it this way because I said so and I don't care what you think and I don't need to tell you why I do what I do.

So the authoritative parent is still in charge,

Still has the last word,

But will consider the child's needs and developmental stage.

And it doesn't mean they're going to negotiate because there's times and ages to negotiate,

But there's more open communication.

But the parent still stands strong without being scary and authoritarian.

Speaking of the different ages and the different levels of child development that we've talked about now a couple times,

Do you think that parents do put too much pressure on themselves to already know what's coming next instead of re-educating themselves every step of the way?

Or how do you think people should deal with or one way people would be able to know the next stage of development with their child?

So because parenting can be so daunting and overwhelming,

I would say it's like a car.

Don't read the user's manual of the car you're going to have in 10 years.

Use the manual about the car you're driving right now.

So that's a great point.

I should do that.

That explains a lot of things that are wrong with my Hyundai right now.

I should stop using the Mercedes-Benz manual.

Good point.

You had me on attention thinking of something else.

I lost track of your question.

Oh,

I'm so sorry.

Oh yeah,

Developmental.

So you know like when women are pregnant,

They read the book,

What to Expect When You're Expecting,

And they read every minute what's happening.

Well,

Sometimes once the baby's born,

That goes all out the window.

And I'd say it's just as important to read.

What's good right now is there's a lot of podcasts.

So if you don't have time to read,

There are so many psychologists or other great coaches on parenting so you can listen to great mentors on parenting.

And what I'd say is,

You know,

If you have a newborn,

Read about zero to one year olds and then get up to date at every stage of development and adjust from that point of view.

And a little bit,

Another part too is for having worked with a lot of teenagers,

Because I worked in jails with delinquent and children services,

I always say parent with the teenagers in mind.

So if you put all the work up front,

And it is a lot of work,

It's the most it's the best investment you can have for the teenagers to run more smoothly.

Because what I've noticed parents do is little kids zero to 10 have free rein,

They have all these choices,

They can do whatever they want.

And the minute they hit the teenagers parents put put the brakes.

Oh,

Now suddenly you need to do chores.

Suddenly,

They're they're becoming more controlling with their teenagers when it should be the other way around.

So if you have a solid foundation,

You teach them good morals,

Good values,

How to behave respectfully,

They won't feel as much a need to rebel lie to you go behind your back.

Of course,

They'll still want to separate,

Individuate,

Explore the world and grow and fly on their own.

That's a given,

But it doesn't have to be horrible.

So I,

I say if you're going to invest,

Invest also in preparing if I do this now,

How will this look like once this kid is a teenager and a good example of that is bribing.

You know,

A lot of parents with little kids bribe,

And it works.

So they keep bribing but the problem with bribing is you're teaching your kid to bribe you.

So then it's a constant battle of,

Well,

I'll do this,

Mommy or daddy,

If you do this for me,

Or if I do that,

And the bigger they get the bigger the bribe.

So it's becomes a big headache.

Do you think part of it is just people need to be more consistent in the way that they parent like from little to,

You know,

Teenagers?

Yeah,

I think consistency and standing by your words.

Like I'm thinking of a client I saw yesterday and he was telling me,

I make threats to my kids,

But I don't follow through.

So I'm like,

Exactly.

So if we make threats,

Like if,

If,

If you don't do this,

I don't know,

You can't watch TV tonight,

But then you let them watch TV,

The child learns that your word means nothing.

So consistency is important and stand,

If you're going to make a threat to remove something or anything,

A promise,

You should stand by your word.

Because then it loses its power.

Yeah,

Sorry,

My dog was barking in the background.

I kind of lost my train of thought for a minute.

Ben,

Do you have any questions?

Yeah.

So I know that,

You know,

You talked a lot about consistency right there.

What about flexibility?

Like when,

When,

When and with what should you be flexible?

Okay,

So we're dealing with little humans here.

So they're going to have bad days.

There's going to be holidays.

So sometimes,

If I,

I'm trying to think of clients,

So let's say school.

Parents can get overly anxious living in the future.

Oh,

If I let them do this once,

That's it.

We're out of control.

We can't,

Then I'll have to do this all the time.

So example,

Sometimes kids need a mental health day and miss school.

But then the parents are like,

Well,

I'm sending the wrong message.

What about work ethics?

And they need to go to school?

And I'm like,

Yes,

But one day is okay that they miss to rest or,

You know,

Give them a break.

Well,

If I do this once,

I have to do it again.

No,

Not really.

If,

If you tell your child,

You know,

We,

We can have one mental health day a month,

Every six months,

Whatever you decide.

This won't be a habit.

This is not going to happen every week.

And you set the parameters clearly,

Then you do it instead of parenting through fear and being rigid.

So flexibility in life in general is important,

Not just with kids,

But with everybody.

And that's also,

And this reminded me of a podcast that we did a couple months ago,

The Power of Validation,

Like,

You know,

By giving them the mental health day by buying.

Reviews

Perhaps Ben’s most heartwarming gratitude moment. Children will likely never thank you for being their parent or parent figure, so on behalf of those that will never thank you, here’s a thank you to those that are doing their best to try to be the best parent or parent figure they can be.
Neil 😀☯️

Found this talk to be very helpful. A lot of things were mentioned that I have become more aware of as a parent of a young child. This is a good reference. Thank you 🙏🏻

Great chat. Thank you 💜 x