How To Deal With Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

In this episode, Dr. Gina explains the different forms passive-aggressive behaviour can take such as sarcasm, non-verbal tactics, lying, playing the victim, guilt-tripping, and much more. She explains it’s destructive impact on relationships and the importance of clear communication. She addresses healthy responses to passive-aggressive behaviours such as setting clear boundaries, ignoring, not playing into it, and making requests for clarity, and so much more.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey,

Everybody.

Welcome back to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina Madrigano.

Without further ado,

Let's bring her in.

Hey,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey,

Mr.

Ben.

How are you?

Good.

I'm actually not Mr.

Ben.

Mr.

Ben is a teacher and he wears a blue shirt.

You know what?

That's a whole distance learning thing.

I'm not going to get into it right now.

But what I am going to do is introduce Crystal Tubbs,

Who is another producer on the show.

Hey,

Crystal.

Hey.

How's it going today?

Good.

How is everybody doing?

We're good.

Awesome.

I almost swear for no reason.

I'm so sorry.

Okay.

But before I get insulted by anyone else,

What are we talking about today,

Gina?

So I thought we could talk about how to deal with passive aggressive behavior because it's coming up a lot in sessions I'm having with clients.

So I thought it'd be a good learning opportunity.

Oh,

Is it?

Oh,

Yes.

Are you sure?

Okay.

Whatever.

So let's see,

Dealing with passive aggressive behavior.

I love it.

I love the topic.

Let's talk about it.

So why do you think.

.

.

Well,

Why don't you tell us what passive aggressive behavior is first?

So it's a way to communicate.

So if we go by process of elimination,

Being assertive is what we want to strive to.

So assertive and open communication.

Then there's aggressive,

Which is pretty obvious.

And then there's passive,

Which is the other extreme.

And passive aggressive is a bit in between.

So what passive aggressive is,

Is someone is sending you a message.

You can tell they're trying to tell you something because of the tone or the body language,

But the message is not clear.

So you're left feeling something's up,

But you're not sure what it is.

But you do know something's up with that person.

So it's very indirect communication and it can show up in many different ways.

So it can show up through sarcasm,

Jokes,

Nonverbal tactics such as slamming doors,

Throwing things,

Sighing,

Rolling eyes,

Lying,

Playing the victim.

You're talking with someone and then minimize,

They deny,

They deflect,

Guilt tripping people,

Shaming people,

Using charm and anger,

Feigning ignorance and so on.

So they're all different strategies people can use to avoid communicating a message directly.

I've totally never done any of those.

Good joke.

Thanks.

No,

But it's possible.

People can be passive aggressive and grow out of it.

Some people can be more passive where they don't want to rock the boat so they're more quiet.

And Ben just left,

So I don't know if that was passive aggressive or he just lost the connection.

Yeah.

So those are different ways to be passive aggressive.

I'm sure there's other ways,

But those are general strategies people use.

Hey,

Sorry.

No,

I wasn't being passive aggressive to the.

.

.

Or something.

So- You cut off,

So we didn't hear you.

Your internet connection apparently is really bad.

We're having really bad thunderstorms in Rhode Island right now.

That's probably why.

So everything just kind of stopped for a second.

So I think what's alarming for me is that I think I checked every single box that you just talked about in being passive aggressive.

So that's fun.

Well,

Let me clarify something here.

They are strategies,

But you have to take them in context and the intention.

So making jokes doesn't have to be passive aggressive,

But it's the intention.

So let's say I see Crystal and I'm like,

Oh,

My grandma used to wear that dress.

It's a joke,

But it's kind of insulting her.

But stand up comics are making jokes that's not passive aggressive or you're having a good time and you're saying jokes.

So the joke's intention is to hide an insult,

Then it's passive aggressive.

So you have to take it in context.

If you're lying to the little guy in your house because you want to hide that you have a surprise for him,

That's not passive aggressive.

So it's more you have to take it in context of the intention behind it.

If it's used as a mode of communicating your thought.

Does it make more sense?

Yeah.

Are you still passive aggressive,

Ben?

Oh,

Definitely.

Yeah.

I've never done any of those.

I'm kind of curious.

I mean,

I do want to get into like how we can approach people who are being passive aggressive.

But how can we kind of recognize that behavior in ourselves and kind of stop it if we don't want to be that passive aggressive anymore?

So one,

As always,

Is to be mindful of how we communicate.

So if we're saying the message is to ask ourselves,

Is this clear?

Is the message that I'm saying more likely to be understood clearly or is there room for interpretation?

And second,

If you kind of tell,

Am I being direct or not?

Look at why am I scared?

What am I scared of?

Why am I not saying it directly?

And usually your answer is there.

So what are you scared of?

And is your message clear or not?

Is it attacking?

Can you be considered passive aggressive if you are still being direct?

Well,

I think that's in the eye of the beholder,

The person who interprets it.

For example,

I tend to be direct and call people on their stuff,

But I do it kindly.

But if in front of me I have someone who has poor self-esteem,

Is insecure,

Susceptible to criticism,

Even if I do it kindly but directly with no aggression behind it,

They might still think I'm passive aggressive or rude or aggressive.

It's a matter of perception.

But the importance is if you know you're being direct and clear and respectful,

Obviously,

What the other one thinks.

.

.

I wasn't including respectful in that.

Sorry.

Communication is in the context of respect of the other person,

Timing.

So yes,

If I have a friend who just found out her husband died,

Well,

Maybe it's better if I hold off on my comments when she feels better.

That's using tact and empathy.

So context is important and respect.

So yeah,

Those details are important to take into consideration.

You still just mean,

Ben?

I never thought I was mean.

I'll ask my friends if they think that I'm mean.

I guess I can be.

But no,

I think that it's more of a defensiveness.

I feel like I'm passive aggressive when I'm defensive.

Well,

Yeah,

It's possible.

And to answer your previous question,

Let's say you're assertive and none of the other dysfunctional three,

And the person responds to you,

Oh,

That was rude.

That is so mean.

They're being passive aggressive.

They're trying to make you feel guilty because you're setting a boundary or you're communicating a need.

And that's their way to shut you down.

There's a family relationship that's making a whole lot of sense right now.

Yes,

Silent treatment is passive aggressive.

Withholding information,

Knowing it's going to hurt the other person,

That's passive aggressive.

It's a long list.

It is a long list.

And again,

It's a long list in which I feel like I do a lot of them.

No,

I've gotten accused of being passive aggressive on things when I wasn't being passive aggressive.

But I definitely am sometimes.

I think we all are.

Nobody's perfect.

But I've definitely gotten accused of being passive aggressive.

And especially getting busier.

So how do you deal with it when you're trying not to be passive aggressive,

But it's coming off like that?

So for example,

If say you get really busy and then you don't communicate as well because you're overwhelmed by some other things,

That can come off as passive aggressive or like ghosting someone.

How do you communicate that you're not?

Does that make sense?

Does what I'm saying make sense,

Trina?

Yeah,

Yeah.

I'll give you an example.

If I know,

Now it's not happening because I'm isolated at home.

But if I know I'm not feeling well,

And I could be impatient or have a tone,

I will warn the people,

Listen,

If ever you pick up on me that I'm distant,

Or I'm not ignoring you,

I'm just having a rough day.

And it's easier for me to just take a time out from being around people because I'm not going to be pleasant.

Or let's say I would catch myself after the fact or as I'm doing it,

I could basically say,

Sorry,

It's not about you.

I'm having a rough day.

I do it with my daughter,

You know,

Like,

Mommy's stressed right now.

So I might be impatient or short.

If my tone is not good,

Just tell me,

But it's not you.

So it's being self-aware and communicating that directly.

Because the more we're passive aggressive,

There's two impacts.

One,

You're going to make the other person uncomfortable,

And they'll be like,

What's up with that?

And two,

It's frustrating for you because your message is not clear.

So whatever you need,

You're not going to get it.

So an example,

I had sometimes clients who won't leave,

The session's over,

And I'm like,

We're done.

And they push,

They push.

And I have to explain several times,

It's 50 minutes because I have someone after you,

I need to prepare.

And if they keep doing it,

Then I get aggravated.

And then I have to explain,

I said,

Listen,

You keep doing that.

It's getting me really angry and resentful.

And I need you to understand that.

And now I'm not listening to you anymore.

Because I've told you several times,

Our session is over,

And you're not respecting that.

So yes,

It's uncomfortable,

And there's a risk in doing it.

But you have to weigh the risk of my needs versus the other person's needs.

And usually people are passive aggressive,

Will be scared to speak their mind out of fear of how the other person will react.

But if you model open communication,

Then you're showing,

I have needs,

This is how I feel,

And this is what I need.

This sounds like a segue into boundaries,

Which I'm not going to get into.

But it could very,

It sounds very connected.

Yeah,

So if we think of passive aggressive in family systems,

So whether it's with a spouse or family,

So let's not talk about strangers,

Because,

You know,

Sometimes you just got to let it go.

You don't have a relationship with these people.

But if we think of close relationships,

And I'm thinking of a couple I'm working with,

And their way to respond to each other is passive aggressive,

All day,

Every day.

So what's happening is there's lingering anger all the time.

So they keep snapping at each other.

So I always bring it back to when you know the person you're with is passive aggressive.

So if you think,

Let's have a family member or a partner,

Set clear boundaries.

So example,

What I do,

I'll tell the person,

Listen,

Unless you're clear with me,

I'm not going to waste time trying to figure out what you're trying to tell me.

So either you tell me directly,

Or I'm going to assume nothing's wrong.

So I basically,

When they're passive aggressive,

I'll ignore them.

A bit like a child having a tantrum,

You know,

You don't want to play into the behavior,

You ignore it.

So that's one way to set a boundary to openly explain it.

Listen,

I'll respond to you and I'll talk to you if you're direct.

But if you're passive aggressive,

I'm not going to respond to that because it takes too much energy.

I'm going to try and assume what's wrong.

I could assume wrong.

And then it's a never ending interaction.

So let's be direct with each other.

And just say it as it is.

Obviously with respect.

So when you set boundaries,

That way it's easier to have them respected.

And even if your boundary is to walk away,

Hang up,

Put some distance,

Not engage,

There are all different ways to set boundaries with that person.

I'm kind of,

Maybe you mentioned this when you were listing off topics,

But is shifting blame also passive aggressive?

Yeah,

It could be a way to deflect the conversation.

Defensive and then yeah,

But you did this.

Okay,

Let's first talk about what I'm talking about.

So they're shifting the conversation.

How do we,

I'm curious how to approach kind of that situation?

Is that also just a boundary setting?

Or what do you do?

Can you give me an example of a friend?

Sure.

I have a friend who has some family members that it's outside family,

Like step family and all that.

And they don't necessarily,

It's not even that they don't get along,

But it's like they've never had a close relationship.

And doesn't matter like what my friend does.

There's nothing that they can do to kind of get into the kind of familial relationship that other families have.

And there's always like a blame,

You know,

Like,

Well,

If you didn't do this,

Or if you did that,

Like,

How do you approach that?

So if someone's if it's part of their personality to not take responsibility for their actions,

That's a whole other ballgame.

But what you can do is you can control how you respond to the blame.

So privately in your head,

If you're clear that you did nothing wrong,

Well,

They can accuse you of whatever they want,

Or your friend,

And they don't have to accept the blame.

Another way is the person could go,

Okay,

Before you blame me on this,

Let's address what I was talking about.

So depending on the topic is if you notice they're deflecting responsibility,

That person can respond,

No,

I'm not willing to take the blame for this.

This is not me.

This is not my issue.

And you leave it at that.

And if they want to argue about it,

You like,

You are able to say,

I don't want to talk about this anymore,

Because it's not going to go anywhere,

Or I don't feel an openness of conversation here.

So maybe we should shut this down.

And if there's space for open communication,

Then it's to say,

You know,

I feel blamed here and I don't see where I am to blame in this situation.

And again,

It depends,

Right?

Some people won't change,

Some people,

There's space to evolve and communicate.

And with some people,

It's going to go nowhere.

So it's like,

Pack up your bags and walk away from this situation,

Because it's not worth the energy.

Ben,

Your turn.

Oh,

Geez.

Well,

First of all,

I just want to point out that we have a comment from Karen,

Who says,

People give me anxiety where nature always heals me,

10 minutes walking,

15 minutes on the lake,

10 minutes more walk,

Bugs,

Birds and fishing,

Fishing is a place for me.

Definitely don't have to deal with passive aggressive people when you are out in nature.

So thank you very much,

Karen.

And just a reminder,

If you guys have any questions,

You want to ask questions during the show live,

You can always do that.

The shows are live.

You can find them Mondays at 6pm Eastern on Dr.

Gina's Facebook page and YouTube.

So check it out live if you want to do that.

And you can ask your questions or type in comments,

Whatever you want to do.

So my question is about dealing with passive aggressive people,

Because while I may have spent the first few minutes of this show talking about being passive aggressive myself,

One of my biggest pet peeves is people being passive aggressive with me.

Nothing will make me aggressive more than someone else being passive aggressive.

I really don't handle it well.

I wish that I did better.

But when someone else is passive aggressive,

I get mad.

So how would you suggest that I deal with that and better deal with passive aggressive situations with other people?

So that's a great point because it's a big trigger for me as well,

And that's why I'm talking about it.

Heal thyself.

So when,

And that's one symptom,

When someone's passive aggressive,

It can awaken a lot of aggression in someone else.

And it takes a lot of self control and breathing to not retaliate.

So again,

It depends who's in front of you and how valuable that relationship is to you.

So if it's someone really close and safe,

Obviously,

Because in relationships that are abusive,

It's not safe to call people on their passive aggressive behavior.

So if it's a safe relationship,

It's okay to even just call them on it and go,

You know,

Tell me differently.

But how do you cope with it with yourself is to literally validate your feeling.

Wow,

This really pisses me off or angers me,

Whatever feeling.

I know they're trying to tell me something and they're not.

And it makes me really upset,

Whatever feeling you have.

So you first need to acknowledge how you feel so that you can calm the emotion down.

So self compassion,

Validation,

And breathing.

Because if it triggers anger,

You're already in the fight or flight.

So you're more likely to respond in a way that's inappropriate.

So my tactic is to take a breather walk away.

Obviously replay it in my head how I could respond and then not say it because the first response obviously,

In my case,

I don't know about you,

If I'm angry,

Won't be a good one.

And then reevaluate,

Is it worth addressing or not?

And I think we spoke about this in another podcast is,

Okay,

What if I'm going to respond to this?

What am I expecting to get in return?

And how likely am I going to be validated or understood?

If the odds are slim,

Because you're dealing with a very passive aggressive person,

Then you have to question,

Is it even worth it?

And two,

Maybe it's not worth it because you won't get what you want,

But it'll just feel better to go,

Listen,

You were very passive aggressive and it makes me very angry.

I know something's up and either you tell me directly or you say nothing.

I don't know if it answers your question.

Yeah,

It definitely answers my question.

So I guess,

What is it about us that makes us be passive aggressive?

Because obviously I feel like it's a protective thing for ourselves because we don't want to be outright aggressive or mean to somebody,

So we don't want to do that.

But we also feel the need to get in jabs or to,

All work is self work,

Right?

So what is it about ourselves that makes us feel the need to be passive aggressive?

Well,

If you just look at it,

What makes it that we don't want to be assertive would be simpler because whether it's passive aggressive or passive,

So the passive person is scared to speak because they'll be scared,

What's the other person going to say or react?

Same with the passive aggressive,

They're scared of the other person's reaction.

So they're kind of control tactics because you're trying to control the other person's reaction whereas being assertive,

You have zero control how they'll respond to your honesty and that can be pretty scary.

Whereas if you're passive aggressive or passive,

You totally control the other person.

You know you could set someone off by being passive aggressive,

It's predictable.

But being assertive,

You have no idea,

Will it be received well?

Will they be aggressive?

Will they be open?

And passive,

Well,

They're not reacting at all and that's very predictable because they don't even know something's up.

So it's behind all the passive aggressive and passive is there's fear.

What am I scared of?

The aggressive,

They're not scared.

They want to get into you and they're pretty clear,

Right?

So there's name calling,

Putting down,

It's pretty clear.

The message is clear but hurtful.

I would say I think that the times that I'm most passive aggressive are when I try to be assertive and then I try to step back from being assertive,

Right?

Because you know what I mean?

And then I'll get passive aggressive.

I also sometimes act passive aggressive as like a – so there's two things.

There's one,

There's like hurt Ben can be passive aggressive and Ben who is messing with you can be passive aggressive,

Right?

So – There's two modes of Ben.

Yes.

Well,

There's two modes of passive aggressive Ben.

There's Ben who's been hurt a little bit,

Just a little bit,

Can be very passive aggressive or threatened in some way.

That guy can be passive aggressive and he can probably be a huge jerk.

And then there's also like I can be kind of passive aggressive in the like digging comments way when I'm messing with somebody when like I – I don't know.

This isn't a flattering thing to say on this show by the way.

But – You're okay.

You're a good company.

No,

But like if I – if someone's being like you know I don't even want to say like an idiot or a moron or something like you know if somebody's – but if somebody is being like that person – Not meeting your expectations?

Not even not meeting my expectations but like if they're not being nice or they're being like really arrogant or full of themselves or whatever that's when I'll – if somebody's being arrogant and not nice in general then I can flip a switch with the passive aggressiveness and sort of become pretty mean in a passive way.

So those are the things that I think that I've never – I have stopped to think about them.

Friends have pointed them out.

But this podcast has helped me think about how to deal with that.

So thank you Gina.

You're welcome.

How to stop the passive aggressive behaviors.

Listen Crystal enough.

Enough out of you okay.

It's just because I'm a saint it's fine.

Listen meanwhile during this show I did solve this Rubik's Cube – oh never mind.

I didn't solve the Rubik's Cube.

I thought that I did and then I messed it all up again.

It's your fault.

You guys were distracting me.

Totally.

So we end every episode with a moment of gratitude.

Well first Gina do you have anything that you'd like to end with as far as passive aggressiveness?

Well assertive and direct is always the best way.

Enveloped in kindness and respect.

And you're more likely to get what you want when you're assertive.

That's it.

All right.

Moment of gratitude.

Crystal we'll start with you.

What are you grateful for today?

Today I am grateful for the really nice weather outside.

I'm going to take my bag out for a walk later.

How dare you?

I literally told you that you were having like hail and monsieur.

Dave and I were hiding in the basement powering away from lightning earlier.

We had some really bad thunderstorms the last couple days here too.

But not today.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

That's very nice.

I'm sorry that I stepped on your moment of gratitude.

I'll never talk about the weather again.

It's fine Ben.

It's fine.

This is really fine.

All right.

Oh man.

I'm grateful for little moments.

Little nice moments.

Last night I had a really nice little moment where the kid woke up in the middle of the night and I was awake.

I got to spend that five minutes reassuring him,

Putting him back to sleep.

I was really grateful for that.

So it just goes to a larger point of really appreciating little moments.

And I've been thinking about that a lot recently.

I have a friend who plays a game with the clock and the time of when it gets to a certain time.

Actually you know what?

I'm going to just say this out loud so that anybody listening to this later on Insight Timer can do this because it's a great moment for appreciation is anytime the clock is 12 34 be it a.

M.

Or p.

M.

They take a moment to stop and just appreciate the moment.

And so that's a fun thing that we've been doing of like texting each other like the lock screen on our phone that moment and taking stock of it.

It's actually helped me to think about every little moment and then how cool and important and grateful that I am for them.

So that's what I'm just going to say.

Last night was cool.

This morning was a funny little moment that I cherished.

There was another one.

But in general just all little moments I'm grateful for all of them.

So I'm super grateful for my amazing daughter.

She's just amazes me and she's been helping me out around the house.

I could do some works whether it's helping me take care of the dogs helping me with baking.

She's just sweet.

So I think she should hear that over and over again.

Yes.

Yes she should.

That's amazing.

All right.

Well,

Crystal,

If people want to find you obviously they can find you at the link down on your name right now which is bravenboldrider.

Com.

What would you say you do there?

I'm helping companies move online.

So if you need a website,

You want to blog,

You want to sell your stuff.

I just learned how to put together like an Etsy store.

I can help people set up whatever they need.

Awesome.

And Gina,

If people would like to get a hold of you for coaching work and all of that stuff,

Where would you direct them to?

DrMadrigrano.

Com.

Awesome.

All right,

Guys.

Well,

Thank you so much,

Both of you,

For joining me,

For joining Dr.

Gina.

Thank you all of you for listening to this and please go out of your way if you're listening to this on iTunes,

Spotify,

IHeartRadio,

Or Insight Timer.

Please like it,

Give it a review,

Let us know what you think.

That goes a long way to help other people find it and hopefully they'll get something out of it too.

So thank you guys very much.

Thank you,

Dr.

Gina.

Thank you.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to DrMadrigrano.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

excellent information on p-a behavior . i wish the hosts would’ve let the expert talk more. 💜🦄💙🦋🌈💛

Dr. Gina:
That was a great episode.

Cultural context can play a significant role. See the article by University of Iowa’s Cynthia Joyce about “the impact of direct and indirect communication”. I posted it here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/impact-direct-indirect-communication-neil-lobron-ms-pmp

A friend of mine moved from Philadelphia to the Midwest and considers many there to be passive-aggressive relative to Philadelphians.

😀☯️ Neil

I learned so much, thank you! I think it will help me feel less anger towards all the passive-aggressive people in my life, and to be less fearful of such people who clearly lack in emotional intelligence. 😌🙏

Great insights, thank you all. love and blessings 💖 x