Coping With Guilt, Overwhelm And Manipulation

In this episode, Dr. Gina answers your specific questions about mom guilt, feeling overwhelmed and coping with children's manipulations.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hey,

Everybody.

Welcome back to another episode of Living Simply with Dr.

Gina.

Gina,

How are you?

I'm super good,

Ben.

How are you doing?

I'm good,

Too.

Are you ready for your first Ask an Expert episode?

Yes,

I am.

I'm super curious.

Let's see how this goes.

So we put this out there and we thought that,

Well,

I noticed that something that you love to do is answer people's questions.

A lot of people have questions for you in regards to the myriad of topics that you cover as far as mindfulness and parenting and all of that stuff.

So can you talk a little bit about what it's like?

People ask you questions all the time,

Right?

Yeah,

All the time.

So what's your question exactly?

Well,

My question was,

Sorry,

My question was,

How do you,

First,

And this is not one of the questions for the show,

This is just a general question for a coach and a parenting consultant,

Do you get worried when people ask you questions?

Like that you're not going to know the answer or that it comes out of left field or something that might be more complicated than you are ready for?

No,

I'm not worried because I'm really upfront with everyone.

I don't know the answers to everything.

So if I don't have the answer,

I'm super good at doing research and finding answers or finding the people who have answers.

So I don't have that anxiety because I don't have the expectation that I know it all.

That makes a lot of sense.

That makes a lot of sense.

Well,

I'm excited to start grilling you about some questions about several different topics.

So the first one is just sort of a general question,

But I think it's a very specific one and one that I've seen asked over and over and over again,

Which is,

How do you deal with mom guilt?

Mom guilt is a very typical,

It's kind of a hot term right now,

But how do you deal with that guilt as a parent of wanting to do things for yourself or not doing the right thing at the right time for your child?

Like you said,

I don't know everything.

Parents are expected to know,

They feel like they're expected to know everything or do everything perfectly.

So a lot of people are dealing with this guilt,

Mommy guilt or daddy guilt,

Being a parent.

Both of being a parent.

How do you deal with that?

How do you help them?

So first we want to thank guilt because guilt is showing you,

You have a conscience,

Right?

So,

But I think what people have a problem is what to do with that feeling.

So they don't want to feel guilt or,

Oh,

What do I do with guilt?

And the focus becomes on the guilt and away from the situation that's provoking guilt or triggering guilt.

So the first thing we want to do is guilt is a feeling like any other feeling.

We want to thank it and we want to see,

Okay,

What is guilt trying to tell me right now?

So there are many different ways to approach one feeling of guilt,

But let's say you want to,

A mom wants to have a night out with her friends and moms who have little kids feel a lot of guilt because these children are so demanding and they feel if I take time for myself away from my child,

I'm being a bad mom.

So when guilt pops in,

Oh,

I'm not going to be with my child.

They're going to miss me or whatever thought pops in your head,

You ask yourself,

Okay,

I'm feeling guilty.

What am I really scared of?

So behind guilt there would be fears.

So it comes back to either we're in fear or in love.

So then you want to look at what am I scared of?

So the fear will inform you more than the guilt.

And then you make your decision based on your values as opposed to the fear.

So let's say again,

It's the same mom wants,

Hasn't seen her friends in a while and she was invited to a dinner.

She really wants to go and now she's struggling.

My kid's going to miss me.

And then you're like,

Okay,

Let's say your kid does miss you.

What are you scared of?

Well then they'll cry.

They'll wonder where I am.

Okay,

Well if there's a dad,

A friend,

Someone in the picture,

You're going to help your child get through that fear or that sadness that you're not there.

And then what did you do?

You just taught your child to be resilient,

That he'll miss you and you're going to come back and your child will learn object permanence,

Meaning mommy can go away and mommy's coming back.

So behind the guilt is often fear and the fear is I don't want my child to struggle.

I don't want my child to experience difficult feelings and that's unrealistic and it's not helping them.

Right?

So that's right.

That's one example.

Another example related to guilt is then you have conflicting values.

So one,

You want to be a good mom,

Let's say,

But two,

You want to be a good mom to yourself.

So let's say you really want to go to the gym and you don't,

You want to see your friends,

You want time for yourself,

Go to bed early,

Whatever.

You feel guilt because then you're not with your child.

Well then you've got to go,

Okay,

There's the value about the mom and then there's my value around self care.

I cannot be a good mom if I'm functioning from a half tank,

Right?

Half empty tank.

So I need to take care of me emotionally,

Socially,

Intellectually.

So I'm replenished.

So I'm doing things that are loving for myself so that then I can spread the love to my child.

So whatever it is,

Is we want to embrace guilt.

No guilt will pass and get on with it.

And guilt cannot pass if you stay stuck in your head and have this dialogue between should I go,

Should I not go?

Oh well,

I'll go when I don't feel guilty.

Well forget it,

You're going to feel guilty and do it anyway.

Yeah,

That makes a lot of sense.

And I think,

You know,

Something that you just talked about really reminded me of like you can't give when you're,

You can't keep giving of yourself and you empty that reserve that you have to keep giving,

You know?

So sometimes it feels selfish to go do stuff for yourself or,

You know,

The self care stuff,

Go to the gym,

Go for a run,

That kind of thing.

But you have to,

Like you have to,

Or it's like an airplane,

Like we said on a previous episode,

Like you have to put your oxygen mask on first.

And I love what you said about guilt,

You know,

Guilt doesn't go,

Guilt is coming.

Like it's going to come regardless.

Expect it.

It's like,

Thank you guilt,

You're showing me I still have a conscience.

I'm not a psychopath.

I care for my kids' wellbeing.

So you check,

Am I doing everything that's great for my kid?

Yeah.

Okay,

Thank you guilt.

See you later.

I'm doing my job.

Right?

So you embrace guilt.

Guilt is there to remind you you're doing a good job.

So a bit like the seatbelt light.

Okay,

The light's not on.

Is it on?

Is it really the seatbelt?

And then you go on,

You don't obsess over the seatbelt light for hours,

Right?

Yeah.

Question number two today is about feeling overwhelmed as a parent.

You know,

I think that we just,

We just talked about a lot of,

A lot of things that could overwhelm a parent,

But there's so many things,

You know,

The specific questions that we had that I saw people asking in different forums are about,

There's such a pressure to be perfect.

You know,

Every parent now,

There's a lot of memes today about like parenting in the seventies and it's like eight kids in the back of a pickup truck and parenting today.

And it's like a child wrapped in bubble wrap,

Tucked into four different seatbelts or like the list of things that kids can't do anymore.

You know,

There's a big need to be perfect as a parent today.

And that can be extremely overwhelming.

So what would be some of your suggestions for that?

So one big thing again,

And you always need to be mindful of this is come back to you,

Your little family.

What does our family stand for?

What do we want as a family?

So stop looking at the Joneses and what everyone else does.

Stop looking at publicities or marketing and putting kids in competitive sports at four years old.

If your kids meant to be an athlete,

They're going to be an athlete.

So first come back to your own little nest and clarify what kind of life do you want with your child regardless of what everyone else is doing.

So that's when you got to be clear on your values because your values will guide your choices.

Another huge thing is the thing that hasn't changed from a hundred years ago is we still only have seven days in a week and 24 hours in a day.

We should technically sleep as adults at least eight hours a day and little kids,

Some of them 12 hours.

So and then you got to take away the meal time prep time picking up after yourselves.

It doesn't leave many hours in the day.

So what you want to do with those hours is very precious and important knowing it's not a bottomless pit and like I can have a to do list of 20 things when you only literally maybe have three,

Four hours.

So where your values guide you is will change also depending on the age of your child,

Right?

So obviously zero to seven,

They really need you a lot.

So maybe if you're a really organized person and need freak,

Maybe you got to learn to be a bit uncomfortable and tolerate that your house won't be perfectly tidy for the next seven years.

It can still be clean.

It doesn't have to be a hoarding mess,

But be comfortable with the discomfort of my house cannot be the same as when I was a single person or I had no kids.

You'll reduce a huge bunch of overload right there.

So if I don't shift that value,

Then I'm always cleaning,

Cleaning,

Cleaning and not playing with my kid and then I feel guilty because I'm,

I neglected my kid and the guilt adds to the overwhelm.

Right?

And then the perfectionism makes no sense.

There's no perfect person.

So we got,

We got to let it go.

Then over scheduling kids.

It's ridiculous how kids are overly scheduled.

They need to be in competitive sports,

Like I said,

They've,

They've been all day at daycare or at school.

They're exhausted and some of them have to wake up at five in the morning to go play hockey or a synchronized swimming at night till nine.

These poor kids are exhausted.

Not to mention the parents.

I know I am in the Northern country,

So hockey's a big thing and parents are burned out because they're at the rink five,

Six,

Seven times a week.

So what happens is parents self care goes out the window and so again,

They're running on empty,

Right?

And you're,

You,

They,

They all love their kids.

They all say,

I'm doing this for my kids.

Yes.

But before you made that choice,

Did you realize the commitment and the cost of it?

And I don't mean monetary costs.

I consciously chose not to put my daughter in any competitive sport for many reasons.

It's a crazy world.

You know,

You know,

The soccer parents,

Hockey parents screaming at their kids,

Dance,

The girls aren't skinny enough,

Pretty enough.

So the values around that right now is very skewed in a negative way.

And kids just need to be kids and play.

You know,

Olympians,

Professional athletes had that in them to start with.

So putting your kid in competitive sports or multiple sports at three,

Four won't guarantee they'll be a professional athlete.

That's a parent's dream,

Because if you're skilled and talented,

Whether it's a Mozart,

A painter,

You don't need classes for that.

You've got it.

So it's okay to wait till they're 10 or 11.

And then you can carpool with people,

Right?

So we're putting on too much on our shoulders.

Regarding the doing,

Right?

Do do do and stopping and just doing nothing is frowned upon.

So I'm busy as a honor badge.

It looks good if I'm busy.

What'd you do this weekend?

Nothing.

I sat on the couch and I just read a book.

Really?

Yeah,

That's actually a good thing.

So we're human beings.

We're not human doings.

So we're stuck in that hamster wheel of doing,

Doing,

Doing,

Doing.

And I think that's a huge contributor to the overwhelm,

The expectations of being perfect.

And that's why there's living simply because if we would come down back to basic values and some old fashioned principles are actually healthy and good.

Not everything old is bad.

So you know,

Like when I don't know about you,

Cause you're still young,

But my playground was the park,

The forest sticks,

Mud,

Snow.

We my dad would make us bobsleds and the thing we would slide in my brother and I would call it the chicken because that's,

You know,

Where you put a pot roast or a,

That's how small we were.

We'd sit in that aluminum thing and slide down the ice,

Have a blast.

So it was cheap.

So the overwhelmed too is keeping up with people.

So parents have two jobs,

Have to buy the big house,

The big car,

You know,

Three pairs of Nike's instead of one.

So wanting to keep up all the time contributes to the overwhelm.

So I think the trick is minimum minimalism,

Simplifying,

Simplifying,

Simplifying would reduce a lot of the overwhelm.

Yeah,

That,

That makes a ton of sense to me.

As most of these answers do.

We have,

We have a more specific question right now.

Which is you know,

Cause sometimes they stick out and we want to go a little bit more narrow.

And I think that the narrow helps the wide as well anyway.

So this question is from a listener,

What do you do when your kid straight up tries to manipulate you?

And they're specifically talking about like a toddler,

Like when a young toddler is trying to for example,

I mean there's a child in my life that does this sometimes,

You know,

Like when a,

When a,

When a kid is like,

I wasn't lying like,

Or like I want to,

I like,

No I'm crying.

Like they're,

They're like,

Sometimes they like fake cry or something,

You know,

Like obviously you know what,

What,

What manipulation is.

But when a,

When a young child starts to like learn that,

Hey,

Maybe if I say this thing,

I can get this thing,

You know,

How do you,

How do you deal with that?

Okay.

So I would say age makes a difference.

So a 15 year old versus a four year old,

Right?

Three year old.

Yeah.

I would get out,

Remove the word manipulation because manipulation has a negative connotation.

So we're assuming we already have little three and four year old psychopaths who are that clever that can manipulate us.

Um,

When kids are super tiny,

Their frontal lobe and their left brain is not as developed as an older child.

So they're in a very concrete state,

A stage of life,

Very experiential and they learn the world through their right brain a lot.

So they're really in the feeling world,

You know,

Experiencing the world through their senses.

So when they manipulate,

If we use that word is basically they're trying to communicate to us something and because they're little,

They're not good to communicate because think about it,

Many adults are not that great communicators to start with anyways,

Right?

So they don't,

You have to look at it as they don't have all the skills,

So they're going to try as best they can with what they have.

So you want to go behind the behavior and try and see what they're trying to tell us.

So let's say they're lying.

You want to assume,

Why do most people lie?

Because they're scared,

Right?

Did you eat all the cookies before dinner?

No,

I didn't.

Why do,

Are they lying?

Because they are scared they'll get scolded.

They're scared mommy or daddy will be angry because they know they're not supposed to eat cookies before dinner.

So instead of going,

Oh my gosh,

My kid's a big fat liar.

You want to look at,

Oh,

My kid is scared.

So you want to address the fear versus what we call the manipulation.

What about,

So I get the fear,

I get the fear aspect of that,

Of like,

I don't want to get caught lying.

I don't want mommy to yell at me or whatever.

I don't want to be in trouble.

But what about a situation where they are like,

What about the classic,

Mom,

Can I have a cookie?

No,

Go in the other room.

Dad,

Can I have a cookie?

Or dad,

Mom said I could have a cookie.

What about that?

That is a little bit like,

There's no fear there,

Right?

What it says is basically,

They're not going to get a cookie.

Yeah,

No,

It's they want a cookie.

So what's behind this is I want a cookie and they can't handle no.

So they have this craving and they can't stand the discomfort of the no.

So they're going to try and get a yes somewhere.

The problem there is not the child.

The problem is the parent.

So parents know kids will do that.

Why?

Because humans avoid pain and look for pleasure.

So as a parent,

Whether you're a single parent,

Like in your house,

You're a single parent,

But you have people who live with you,

Whether it's a new partner or friends,

You guys,

Example with the parents or with friends or family or even siblings is like,

Okay,

We know little Johnny or little Mary does this.

So let's agree that if one child is going to ask us for a cookie or anything else,

Did you ask daddy if you could have a cookie?

What did daddy said,

Saying?

No.

Okay,

Then you can't have a cookie,

Right?

If you've trained your kid from the get go about that strategy,

They're going to stop using it because they're not,

They're going to know you're going to check with the other partner or friend or whoever.

Right?

So when I work with parents,

I tell them it's a lot of prevention and conscious parenting.

You gotta be aware that everything you do has an impact and you gotta be a few steps ahead of your child because you're the adult.

Right?

So then how do you do is you want to teach that,

Okay,

We eat a healthy dinner.

We don't have dessert before dinner,

But if they want a snack,

You teach them,

Here are healthy snacks you're allowed to have.

And then the other step is if you really don't want your child to eat cookies,

Stop buying cookies.

It's that simple.

So if your value is healthy eating and you don't care if they snack on carrots,

Apples,

And whatever they snack on is nutritious,

Even if they eat less for supper,

Who cares?

They ate 20 carrots.

It's still good food,

Right?

If they're hungry now,

You still want to pay attention to their needs.

They're hungry.

It's not,

No,

You're not hungry.

Then you're invalidating them.

Right?

So a lot of it is prevention.

What do I want in my house?

And the other part is communication.

So it's about being a team with your partner so that your kids don't play one off the other and verifying with your partner.

You know,

If you think you're not sure if your child's telling you the truth,

Okay,

If I go ask daddy,

Is he going to give me the same answer you just gave me?

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Let me check.

Awesome.

Thanks for being honest.

So daddy didn't want you to have a cookie and I don't want either.

So part of it is that is it's not necessarily manipulation at that age.

It's just,

I want this and I'll find any way to get them.

It's not deception the way manipulation is.

Perfect.

That makes a lot of sense and it's a great clarification of a point because I think that sometimes when you have a young child,

You can think they're doing this on purpose when that's impossible.

And then what happens is your reaction is to the word manipulation.

So you're no longer present to what your child needs.

Now you're trying to get your authority back and go,

Yeah,

You're not going to manipulate me,

Which is totally besides another issue to why does he want a cookie now?

Oh,

Didn't you eat your lunch?

Did it?

So this kid's hungry.

Okay.

Let's address the hunger as opposed to being freaked out cause you think you're being manipulated.

Well,

This has been awesome.

Um,

I really enjoy,

Uh,

This,

We'll do this from time to time,

I believe.

Right Gina?

Yeah,

It's fun.

Um,

Just some,

Some rapid,

Some rapid fire questions.

Uh,

Thank you so much for,

Uh,

Indulging these questions,

Um,

From people.

And if anybody else has questions,

Uh,

Gina would love to answer them.

Yes,

I would.

So,

Uh,

So you can feel free to comment on,

Uh,

On wherever you're listening or watching to this podcast,

Uh,

Or you can email Gina,

Um,

And,

Uh,

And,

And,

You know,

Gina is also available for coaching and consulting and all of that stuff.

So Gina,

Where can people find you?

DrMadrigRono.

Com and on social media.

Awesome.

All right,

Gina,

Thank you so much.

Uh,

This is always,

Um,

You know,

I love,

I love these recording days.

It's always fun to talk to you and,

And get some clarity on,

Uh,

On all of these issues.

I'm enjoying them too.

It's fun.

Take good care.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to DrMadrigRono.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Really insightful responses to done good questions. Thanks Dr Gina and Ben. Love and blessings to you both 💙x