Mindfulness As Self-care, Part 2: Values

This is the second episode in a 3-part guided mini retreat series. This is time for you to relax and explore your values, as well as what it takes to actually live in alignment with them, from a mindfulness perspective. In this mini-retreat, you'll get the chance to explore three mindfulness practices - tools you can call upon in your day-to-day life to feel more purposeful and connected.

Transcript

For what it's worth,

It's never too late,

Or in my case,

Too early,

To be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit.

Start whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same.

There are no rules to this thing.

We can make the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things that you've never felt before.

I hope you meet people who have a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you're proud of,

And if you're not,

I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F.

Scott Fitzgerald Welcome to episode two of Mindfulness as Self-Care,

A three-part podcast series focused on introducing you to the essentials of mindfulness,

And how mindfulness can be incorporated into your life in order to feel more focused,

Intentional,

And connected.

For those of you who don't know me,

My name is Anne,

And I'm your host.

I'm a meditation teacher featured on a variety of health and wellness apps,

And also a behavioral health coach,

Where I help people make changes to their thoughts and behaviors so they can live a more enjoyable life.

Today we'll be delving into values.

What values are,

Why they're important in life,

As well as what discipline and willpower have to do with values.

I'll be guiding you through three mindfulness practices specific to improving your ability to become more aware of and take action on living in alignment with your values.

For this episode,

I recommend having a list of printed values that you can refer to,

But if you don't have a list of values,

No worries,

You can probably do it without one.

Okay,

So if you haven't already listened to episode one of this series,

Which was all about mindfulness and focus,

I highly suggest doing so,

Since these two skills,

Mindfulness and focus,

Are foundational skills that will help you to wrap your head around what we'll be discussing in today's episode,

As well as in episode three.

Make sure that you're in a comfortable space where you're not likely to be distracted.

Turn off your phone,

Tell all the people you love you'll be busy for the next little bit,

Whatever you need to do to make this a little retreat for yourself.

This is time for you,

Time to relax,

Peek into your mind,

Move through several exercises and absorb information that will help you to step out of the turbulence of life and remember who you are more often.

Without further ado,

Let's jump into the topic of values.

We'll do this by starting with a journaling exercise,

So grab your journal or the piece of paper that you have.

I want to start off by defining values.

So values are a set of qualities or principles that you have that define what's most important to you in life.

I really like the analogy that values are sort of like your own fingerprint.

If you value authenticity,

For example,

Maybe that means that it's really important for you and the people around you to be who they really are and say what they really mean.

If you value loyalty,

It might mean that it's important for you to be there for the people that you care about or to do what you say you're going to do.

If you have absolutely no idea what your values are,

No worries.

This is the whole point of this episode,

So you're in the right place.

This first episode will hopefully help to clarify things for you.

So for this exercise,

I'll be asking you a series of questions.

Don't think too much about the questions or the answers,

Just write down what first comes to your mind.

Also,

Please feel free to pause the recording after each question so you can really answer each question fully.

And then once you've answered the question,

Go ahead and press play.

So the first question is this,

When are you at your best?

You can think about past moments or past periods of your life when you felt really happy and fulfilled.

And when you think about those times when you're at your best,

Think about how you're feeling,

Who you've been with,

And where you are in the world.

Now for the second question,

What things in life would you not want to live without?

These could be material items,

But I encourage you to think more broadly.

Things like travel,

Family,

Great food,

Meaningful work,

Etc.

Third question,

Who are the people you admire most?

Your role models in life.

Fourth question,

What are the qualities that make you admire the people you listed in question three?

And fifth question,

Last one,

How do you want to be remembered by others?

Great job.

Now just take a minute or so to look over your answers and see if there are any themes to the answers that you wrote down.

You might notice many words that came up multiple times You might notice many words that came up multiple times,

Or just a general sort of theme that came up through a few or all of the questions.

And then when you've sort of figured out those themes,

Write down those themes in a consolidated list.

Now grab the list of values that you printed out or have digitally,

And if you don't have a value sheet,

That's okay too.

And if you have a sheet,

Place that list and your consolidated list of themes side by side.

And take just another minute or so to circle your top five values on the value sheet based on the questions you answered.

Remember,

This is a living document.

Values change throughout your life.

This is just a snapshot of what's most important right now.

And if you don't have a value sheet,

Again,

No worries.

Just sort of consider the consolidated list and see if you can come up with your own values based on that list.

So the last part of this exercise is to take a look at your values,

Those five values that you circled if you have a sheet or those five values that you wrote down,

And write down a few things that are in your control that you could do to decrease the gap between where you are now and what it would mean to live in alignment with your values.

In other words,

The gap between how you're living your life now and how you are when you're living at your best.

In a world of many options,

If you live a privileged life,

Values help us steer the boat,

If you will.

They help us steer the boat in a direction that feels meaningful and that brings joy and contentment to our lives.

The reason values have their own episode in this series is because meditation and following your values have a lot in common.

Just as the breath is so often our anchor in meditation,

Values are an anchor for our life,

Something that we ideally can come back to again and again when we're feeling lost in turbulence or totally stuck in life.

It's also important to talk about values in a mindfulness and meditation retreat slash course because discontent and turbulence often arise when we're ignoring our values or when we're living in life that's not in alignment with our values.

Hopefully this episode will help you to shift closer in that direction using meditation and mindfulness as a tool to do that.

Just like meditation is not easy but is very rewarding,

Living in alignment with your values is not the easy well-trodden way either.

It can be really scary because when we bring awareness to what our values are and what is and what's important to us,

We might learn that those values don't match up with what we've been taught or the values of our society or the values of our family.

But I really think that it's worth it to do that hard work because aligning our lives with our values allows us to show up more fully and be at our best more often because who wouldn't want that?

And generally when we're at our best we're feeling less turbulent,

Less stuck,

And we have more intentionality,

Focus,

And internal peace.

Values clarification can make have-to's and should's turn into want-to's which is something that I'm pretty sure every human being wants.

Which brings us to willpower,

A related concept and something that's definitely necessary for living in alignment with your values.

It takes discipline and will to do the harder thing.

The definition of willpower I really like to use is taken from health psychologist Dr.

Kelly McGonigal's book,

The Willpower Instinct.

It's a wonderful book that I highly recommend on the topic and she says that willpower is the ability to align yourself with the brain system that is thinking about long-term goals.

So it might be pretty clear what willpower has to do with values here.

Unlike the short-term reward that comes from reaching for your phone to play candy crush or ordering pizza instead of cooking a healthier stir-fry,

Aligning your life with your values is a longer-term sort of less tangible thing.

It's less rewarding in the moment which means that for our comfort and pleasure-seeking brains it's a lot harder to motivate ourselves to do something that feels valuable than it is to do something that feels really pleasurable right now.

But willpower is all about strengthening the ability to do the harder,

More meaningful thing.

The thing that's going to have a lot of payoffs in the longer-term future.

It might not be immediately pleasurable right now,

Although sometimes it can be,

But it will have big payoffs later and those payoffs will be much greater than the short-term pleasure you get from eating a carton of ice cream.

So without willpower,

Simply doing that exercise we did,

The one about values questions or the one where you answered values questions,

Doesn't really do or change anything.

We still need the ability to convince our comfort and pleasure-seeking brains that the effort of living in alignment with our values will be worth it and that's where willpower comes in.

And although taking action on values can sometimes be immediately gratifying,

As I was mentioning before,

There are many,

Many more things nowadays that take a lot less effort and provide a much more substantial dopamine hit.

So the question becomes,

How do we strengthen our willpower?

So first of all,

Willpower requires that you have gas left in your tank.

And I think this is one of the most important points about willpower.

And I think this is why people say,

Oh,

I'm,

You know,

I have no willpower,

I'm so unmotivated,

When really they're just trying to exert willpower at all the wrong times.

And those times generally are like right before bed or right after a long day at work.

We're going to have less willpower during those times because just physiologically,

We have less fuel,

Less energy to give,

And it takes a lot of energy to do the harder thing.

The last thing you're going to want to do after you've spent an hour practicing a new instrument,

Or,

You know,

If you're an introvert,

Three hours at a party talking to strangers,

The last thing you're going to want to do after those draining activities is spend more effort trying to exert willpower.

This isn't some personal flaw,

And it doesn't mean you're not a motivated person.

This is just physiology.

Regardless of how motivated you are toward a goal,

You're not going to be able to do it if you're tired or if you're drained.

And this is where the concept of self-care comes into play because self-care ideally is something that fills your cup,

Something that will allow you to do the harder thing afterwards.

For many people,

The things that fill their tank are exercise,

Going on a walk in nature,

Meditating,

Reading.

It's going to be different for everybody,

But it's really important to know what those things are for you so you can do them more often and therefore have more fuel left to give.

So the next thing that's necessary for willpower is the ability to focus.

Life will throw all sorts of obstacles in your way,

As you learned during episode one,

And strengthening your ability to sustain focus in the midst of all those obstacles is a key requirement for overcoming the excuses your mind will inevitably give you,

Which you'll need to prepare for.

Let's experience it.

The next meditation will be focused on cultivating right effort,

The balance between over and under working toward a goal,

As well as what's called witness consciousness,

The part of all of our minds that can watch our moment-to-moment experience rather than get caught up in it.

This idea of witness consciousness is important for strengthening willpower because on your quest toward aligning your life with your values and breaking habits that get in the way of your values and building new habits that help bring you closer to your values,

Your mind is probably going to come up with all sorts of excuses for why that's too hard,

Not actually important anymore,

Or why it's totally stupid.

And so you'll need the ability to see the bigger picture in those moments and be able to discern which thoughts are helpful and valid and which may be contributing to the turbulence and stuckness you may sometimes feel.

So begin by setting yourself up in that calm,

Alert posture we discussed during episode one.

Put anything that you're holding to the side,

You can place your hands in your lap,

Close your eyes,

And just begin to settle into the practice,

Knowing that whatever things are on your to-do list,

Whatever things you're worried or thinking about will still be there after this practice.

For now,

Really give yourself in to this exercise so that you can get the most out of it.

Begin by tuning into your anchor.

Your anchor can be your breath at either the nostrils or the belly or the sensations in the palms of your hands.

Turn toward the sensations of your anchor as if it were the first time you were ever experiencing sensation there.

What would be interesting about it?

If you notice familiar or unfamiliar inner or outer obstacles,

First,

Just recognize that you've gotten distracted.

That's the first step.

And then as if you were training a puppy,

Because in many ways your mind is like a puppy,

Bring yourself back to the task at hand with compassion rather than judgment.

Sensations at your anchor is the most important thing right now.

Now,

See how hard you can try to focus.

Whatever you do,

Do not lose concentration.

Where is your attention?

If you've lost it,

Try even harder.

Now,

Notice what trying hard feels like in your body and your mind.

Now,

Do the opposite.

Don't worry about attending to the anchor.

Just let it go.

Chill out.

Relax.

Where is your attention?

If you're focused,

Stop.

Just let your mind do whatever it wants to do.

If you're focused,

Stop.

Just let your mind do whatever it wants to do.

Notice what not trying feels like in your body and your mind.

Now,

Let's cultivate what's called right effort.

If you want to live the life you desire,

You can't just sit back and let it happen.

You're not going to meet your goals or live in alignment with your values,

Which is something I've been saying at nauseam so far.

But you also can't simply push,

Push,

Push,

Relentlessly working at life with no rest.

You're going to get burnt out,

Drained,

And probably have the same outcome as if you didn't try at all.

Right effort means you're going to have to work at it,

But smartly.

We can practice this mindset in meditation so that it becomes more automatic in life.

And we'll do this by practicing coming back to the anchor smartly,

With just the right amount of effort and just the right amount of ease.

It's similar to the seesaw of alert and calm that we discussed in episode one,

But there's a different flavor to it.

When it comes to the effort you expend on placing your attention on the anchor,

Have your goal of concentrating be really clear.

You want to stay focused on the breath as much as possible and with as little distraction and disruption as possible,

But don't cling too hard to that concentration.

Give yourself room to relax and breathe.

In your mind's eye,

Imagine that you're holding a glass bowl.

This glass bowl is like your attention.

If you don't expend any effort to hold the bowl to keep your attention steady on your goal,

The bowl's going to drop and shatter all over the floor.

And if your attention is too rigid and too tense,

You grasp the bowl too hard,

Your attention is too stuck,

Too rigid.

The glass bowl will also shatter into your hands,

Into the ground,

It'll go everywhere too.

So hold the glass bowl of your attention in a focused,

Relaxed way.

Hold the bowl,

But don't grasp too tight.

Don't cling to the outcome.

You might become aware that you have a particular tendency toward either over-efforting or under-efforting.

No worries,

We all have our specific patterning.

Just see if you can seek to find a balance in this patterning.

Keeping the breath at the foreground of your attention,

See how much you can simultaneously relax in your body while keeping a baseline level of alertness.

Starting from the top down,

Relax your scalp,

Forehead,

Eyes,

Ears,

Jaw,

And neck.

Soften the left shoulder to the elbow.

The left forearm,

Wrist,

Hand,

And fingers.

Cross your body and bring your attention to the right shoulder,

Feeling it melt into its socket.

Relax the upper right arm to the left shoulder.

Feeling it melt into its socket.

Relax the upper right arm to the elbow,

The forearm,

And the right hand,

Wrist,

And fingers.

As you continue to breathe in a relaxed,

Gentle,

Natural way,

Bring your attention to your collarbones,

Chest,

Belly,

And groin.

Feel all the bones in your body be heavy.

The top of the thighs,

The shins,

And both feet heavy.

Move up the back of the legs to the calves,

Relaxing the back of the thighs and the gluteal muscles.

See how much you can relax the low back,

The mid-back,

The upper back,

Between the shoulder blades.

Now feel your entire body breathing and relaxing.

Now see how much you can feel.

With the picture of your entire body in your awareness,

How much can you feel?

When you notice sensations emerge,

Recognize them and perhaps even label them in your mind's eye as tingling,

Warmth,

Tension.

Let your body intentionally move from sensation to sensation as you explore the feelings in your body.

Now,

As if you could step back and watch your entire experience from a third-person perspective,

Watch all that is happening.

All thoughts,

All sensations,

All emotions.

Watch it all and don't get caught up in any of it.

If at any point you notice your attention beginning to zoom in on something,

Notice that too and use your willpower to zoom back out,

Strengthening your ability to witness your mind and witness all of the phenomena that make their way through.

If you're finding it difficult to remain zoomed out,

Exercise your willpower,

Which should be easier after relaxing your body.

First,

Assess where the balance is on that alert,

Calm seesaw.

Are you either too alert or too calm?

If so,

See if there's anything you can do to find balance so that the conditions for willpower are right.

Do you need to lengthen your spine and take a deeper,

More vigorous,

More relaxed position?

Or do you need to relax your body more and extend your exhales to soothe your nervous system?

To improve your ability to put forth the right amount of effort in meditation,

You might also remember your why for meditation and mindfulness from episode one.

Why you'd like to practice mindfulness and meditation.

Was it to focus better,

To listen better,

To feel less turbulent all the time?

Your why is going to be one of those things that will fuel your focus,

Your discipline,

And your willpower.

And lastly,

If you're zooming in too much or getting distracted often,

Consider the short-term benefits,

The small wins.

See if you can focus for just one or two breaths and notice how good that feels.

If you're not sure how to do it,

You can always pause and think about it.

See if you can focus for just one or two breaths and notice how good that feels.

You might also orient your mind toward the short-term reward of how nice it is to not have to do anything,

To have this time to breathe and relax.

For another minute,

See how much you can watch your experience as if from a third-person perspective.

Like you're watching a movie and not getting caught up in the storyline.

Now begin to zoom back in slowly and mindfully.

Being identified with thoughts,

Sensations,

And emotions is certainly helpful for being a functional member of society.

But if we're too identified too much of the time with those things that aren't us,

But rather passing phenomena,

It can be detrimental.

So as you come to a closer view of your moment-to-moment experience,

See if there's a balance you can strike in the rest of your day today.

A balance between over-efforting something and under-efforting.

A balance between alert and calm.

And a balance between zooming out and watching your experience from a third-person perspective and zooming in and identifying with the storyline of your life.

When you feel prepared,

Open your eyes.

Reorient to the space immediately around you as well as further from you.

Feel free to stretch in any way that feels good and notice what the effects of that practice were.

Let's take a deeper look at values.

Meditation helps to train mindfulness,

Which we need in order to become aware of any gaps between where we're at and where we want to be.

As well as improves effort,

Discipline,

And willpower,

As you may have seen in that last practice.

Our minds are designed to want to do the easier,

More habitual thing,

And mindfulness and meditation help us go against that tendency.

Also,

Meditation helps to train the mind to be quieter more often with less resistance.

And the quieter we become,

The more we can see reality for what it is.

We begin to see 1.

The reality of our current actions.

2.

How our current actions don't feel so good.

And 3.

How our current actions negatively impact our lives,

The lives of those we love,

And the world.

At some point,

The discomfort of not living in alignment with your values may overpower the discomfort of staying comfortable.

And meditation helps that process to happen so that we can push ourselves to change and grow in ways that feel meaningful.

In other words,

To change the conditioning.

To do the harder thing that's going to be uncomfortable but more fulfilling.

To close the gap.

To stop self-sabotaging habits.

To do things that challenge us and make us scared but make us feel empowered and enlivened.

You get the picture.

So let's do our last exercise for this episode where we'll be practicing closing the gap through a journaling exercise.

So grab your journal or your pen and paper and take just a few deep breaths to prepare your body and mind for a little reflection.

So begin by choosing a particular habit or behavior that you'd like to work on.

Something that would bring you closer to those values you identified earlier in the episode.

Choose some goal or achievement you imagine would do that,

Would close the gap,

And reduce any friction between where you are and where you want to be.

And then write it down.

When it comes to working toward a goal,

It's really important to be clear about what it is that you want.

If you don't know where you're going,

How are you going to be able to get there?

So write down a vision for yourself surrounding this goal.

What is the end result?

What does the end result look like and what does it feel like?

You've achieved the goal,

The habit is built into your life,

Whatever it is,

Just write down what it looks like.

And feel free to pause this recording.

Next,

Write down the values that achieving this goal supports and vice versa.

What is important to you about attaining that goal or breaking that habit?

How would achieving your goal improve or impact your life in a positive way?

Again,

Feel free to pause.

It's important to plan for what sorts of things are going to get in your way.

There will be obstacles along the way.

There will be obstacles on your path toward achieving your vision,

Your goal.

And if you plan for it,

You can plan for ways to also avoid those things or plan for how you'll approach them when they inevitably arise.

Which is really helpful.

It really cuts down on the amount of times that those obstacles will actually get in our way.

So consider what sorts of mental or literal obstacles you anticipate might get in your way.

What will you do to overcome these distractions,

These obstacles?

How can you use your ability to watch and witness your experience to see the bigger picture and ensure they don't knock you down?

Lastly,

Imagine breaking down your vision into the smallest chunks possible.

What is the first chunk you can reasonably consider?

What is the first chunk you can reasonably start with on your way toward closing the gap?

You can even break it down into steps and circle or write down the first step you can start taking today.

Make sure that this step is tangible and realistic so that you know exactly when you've achieved it or when you haven't.

And you can kind of gauge how you're doing with it over time.

Feel free to pause as you think about this small step that you'll take action on.

Throughout the next few days or weeks as you work toward your vision,

Remember your why.

How that behavior or that vision,

That action step will contribute to your values.

And what the short term and the long term benefits are since that helps support our willpower and our motivation to keep going.

Great job today.