So this series of talks we're exploring the five criteria that the Buddha established as wise speech.
Putting this into context,
At the time of the Buddha people communicated with each other through speaking.
There was no writing to speak of and no form of communications like other forms like we have.
There was no telephones,
No email,
So speaking speech was the central focus for how to communicate wisely.
And if the Buddha were alive today I think that perhaps he would call wise speech wise communication rather than wise speech because his teachings apply to all the ways in which we communicate with each other.
And we have so many different ways in addition to speaking.
We have email for example and how to learn to communicate well using email.
I'm sure we've all received or sent emails that weren't always written wisely,
Right?
So my teacher has a wonderful way of expressing wise communication that is really simple.
It's a simple principle and he says just don't make it worse.
So whatever is happening just don't make it worse.
If we say something harsh to people like a strong and angry no that might have an immediate effect and maybe in the moment it's the effect that we want but it often makes it worse.
So in the long term what happens in that relationship when we've used harsh words or anger as a communication style is the it's diminished the strength of that relationship.
In some ways it's diminished the trust and in some ways it's diminished the sense of safety that people have or maybe the interest that people have in being with us.
So instead we're finding ways to communicate where we create long-term connections,
Long-term well-being,
Safety for others.
This is the idea.
So these five criteria last week we looked at speech that was truthful and mindfulness practice in my view is a practice of honesty.
You know we're learning to really be honest and discover what is true on the level of our direct experience.
So when we ask ourselves what is happening right now we can actually check it out.
My breath is short.
My body is relaxed or my body is tight.
I have pain in my body.
My mood is anxious or restless or sleepy.
My mind is ruminating or planning.
I'm living in the past or living in the future.
So by checking out how we are right now we're getting really honest with ourselves.
So speaking truthfully is also part of our practice and today we're looking at communication that is timely,
Spoken at the right time and Thursday we'll be looking at communicating in a kind way,
A way that calms and soothes the situation and then next week speaking in a way that's beneficial and communicating with the intention of creating communion,
Bringing us together.
So is our communication timely?
Is this the right time to communicate with someone?
This is really important especially when there are conflicts and challenges because people in conflict have different needs.
Sometimes people need to have time to process and be quiet and be with themselves for a while before they're ready to be in conversation about the conflict.
Some people need to address it right away.
Like letting the conflict stay in their mind it begins to fester and it's difficult for them.
So in order to find out what's going on they need to be in conversation.
That's a communication style.
So there's a range of how people are and it's important to understand that if you're in conflict you know what you need like what is it that where do you go when you're in conflict and also be careful and understand well what what's the other person's communication style.
Do they need to resolve this conflict right away or do you sense that they need time?
Is that the way that you've known them maybe a bit and you know kind of how they are?
Is the person ready for this communication?
Are the circumstances of life in the moment right now the right time for this person to hear and talk about this conflict?
Sometimes when we talk about something that we want to talk about it can actually make the situation worse.
You know when people are not ready maybe they're going through something difficult and then you add the conversation and it's like adding one more problem to their difficulty.
Or maybe the person that you want to speak to is in a bad mood and trying to approach them with something important like a difficult topic when their mood is just kind of lousy or they're tired or upset it's not going to go very well.
So we have to assess the situation for ourselves.
Is this the right time for me to be having this conversation?
Am I ready?
Have I eaten enough?
Am I in a good mood?
Can the best of who I am come forward in this communication?
So it's very helpful to ask is this the right time?
Is this the right time for this other person?
Is this the right time for the situation?
And sometimes we have to wait.
You know if a person is not open to communicating we have to discern that too.
You know I've waited sometimes for months for conversations to happen.
For some conversations I'm still waiting so that in having the conversation it will be productive.
You know and what can often happen is that the other person will bring up the topic that you wanted to discuss and that's really helpful because hopefully they're less defensive.
They've had time so if we bring up something too soon it can it might not be helpful.
We might be meeting a person's resistance and defense.
They may be shut down.
They weren't ready to hear something.
I know there's been times in my communication where I felt that the need to kind of take care of it right now and I've known that the person wasn't ready.
They couldn't deal with my communication and I know that it's probably not going to go well and I've done it anyway.
I've had conversations with people right away and guess what?
It just got worse because the person wasn't ready and in the moment there was kind of this momentary relief that I spoke my truth.
I spoke my mind but because it got worse it actually left me with more pain and more contraction in my body knowing that I would have to have a follow-up conversation because I actually made it worse.
So even just waiting a day or an hour or five minutes can be enough to kind of you know get ready for a conversation.
So the invitation for this week is kind of asking the question,
Is what I'm about to say,
Is this the right time to speak?
Is there a better time?
When is the most useful time to have this conversation?
And one useful guideline that I'd like to offer is that if you're angry it's generally not a good time to have an in-depth conversation about something with other people.
Wait.
Wait.
Asking if it's the right time and deciding to wait it's not an avoidance.
It's meant to help the conversation be productive and useful and supportive for everyone.
So thank you for your kind attention.
