Speaking At The Right Time

This is the last talk of the series on the Buddha's criteria of Wise Communication. We started with a truthful speech, and next is a speech that is delivered kindly. From there, is what we are about to say beneficial? Will it bring us together? This final talk is on timeliness. Is what I am about to communicate, is the right time? This is really important, especially when there are conflicts and challenges, because people in conflicts have different needs.

Some people need to have time to process and be quiet, to be by themselves for a while before they're ready to be in conversation about a conflict. Some people need to address it right away. Like, letting the conflict stay in their mind and fester is difficult for them.

So there is a range of how people are, and it’s important to understand how you are in conflict. What do you need?

Transcript

So this week,

We are concluding our exploration into the five criteria that the Buddha established as wise speech.

And if we put this into context,

At the time of the Buddha,

People communicated with each other only through speaking.

You know,

There wasn't phones,

There wasn't email.

So I think that if we kind of break this down into the time we live in,

Perhaps if the Buddha were alive today,

It would be known as wise communication,

Because his teachings really apply to all the ways that we communicate with each other,

All of the different ways.

You know,

Email is an example of how to learn to communicate well.

I'm sure that we have all received or sent emails that weren't always wise,

Right?

And then there's text messaging,

You know,

Text messaging really falls short in the domain of communication,

Really,

It does.

It's not an effective way to communicate.

My teacher,

Gil Franzdal,

Has a wonderful way of expressing wise communication.

That's really simple.

A lot of the ways that Gil teaches is really simple.

And he says,

Just don't make it worse.

Just don't make it worse.

Whatever happens,

Just don't make it worse.

And sometimes we do this really well,

Like we don't make it worse.

And sometimes,

Sometimes not,

Right?

If we say something harsh to a person,

Like a really strong no,

That has a pretty immediate effect,

You know?

And maybe in the moment,

It has the effect that we want.

You know,

But in the long term,

Any harsh speech that we have,

In a way,

It wears down or diminishes the strength of the relationship.

You know,

If we are a no over and over again to a person in our life,

Then it diminishes the trust,

In some ways,

The sense of safety that that individual,

That person has for us.

So our practices in speaking and communicating is to find ways to communicate where we're actually creating long-term benefit,

Safety.

And this is the idea,

And where non-violent communication is so incredibly helpful.

It's a framework that we can work with in our daily life.

So these five criteria we've been looking at,

You know,

Is it truthful?

Is what we're about to say truthful?

You know,

The heart of our meditation practice is,

It's really honesty practice.

When we sit down,

We are getting honest with what is alive within us.

We're just getting honest with ourselves.

It's like this right now,

Is a question,

Is a statement of honesty.

This is what it's like.

It's irritated,

Or it's sad,

Or there's loneliness,

Or there's pain.

We're learning to be honest and discover,

Well,

What's true on the level of our direct experience?

Then we explored the tone and the tone of our communication.

You know,

Are we speaking in a kind way?

Is it calm?

Is it soothing?

Often we learn about harsh speech really early because that's what's been modeled.

You know,

We've explored speech that's beneficial,

That communicates with intention,

The intention to bring each other together,

Communicating to bring our hearts together,

Creating concord.

And today in this last talk on this subject,

We're looking at timeliness.

You know,

Is what I'm about to communicate,

Is it the right time to say this?

This is so important.

It really,

In some ways,

Is the first of the criteria.

Especially when there's conflict and challenge,

Because people in conflict,

At the time of conflict,

They have different needs going on.

And some people need to have time to process and be quiet,

To be by themselves for a while before they can actually be in conversation around conflict.

And some people have the urge to address the conflict right away.

Like,

You know,

Let's,

The conflict,

If they don't deal with it in the moment,

It's just,

It's festering.

And it's difficult for them to be with that festering.

So some folks have to really like get into conversation.

And so understanding your style in conflict,

Like what is that?

There's a range of how people are,

And it's important to understand how you are in conflict.

What do you need?

And also,

Also to give some care and to understand,

Well,

What does that other person need?

What is their style?

Is the person ready for this communication?

It's really helpful relationally,

Because I know in my own relationship with my spouse,

You know,

He and I have very different styles within conflict.

I need space and time,

And he wants to just get to peace as quickly as possible.

And so he just wants to go right in there and start having a conversation.

So it's under,

It's really important to understand what your needs are when you're in a conflicted conversation.

Sometimes when we talk about something,

When we want to talk about it,

It actually makes the situation worse.

You know,

Somebody is not ready for the conversation.

Maybe they're going through something difficult.

Maybe their style of working with conflict is different.

And sometimes people just can't handle one more thing,

You know,

If they're,

If a person is in a bad mood or,

And trying to approach them on some difficult topic,

When they're in a lousy mood,

It's just,

It's just upsetting.

It's just not going to go very well.

That communication will not land.

So we have to assess the situation for ourselves.

Is this the right time for me to have this conversation?

Am I ready?

Am I in a balanced place?

This is a very important question that I ask myself if I'm not feeling balanced.

Am I seeing clearly?

Another important question to ask oneself.

Can the best of who I am come forward in communication right now?

I had a recent experience where my mama bear instinct kind of kicked in.

My son was sitting by,

We have a lot of water in our little valley,

And he was sitting by a ditch with a few friends.

And,

Um,

As boys do,

You know,

He pushed his buddy and his,

Uh,

His friend got his,

He got his friend's shoe wet.

It got soaked.

Well,

His friend retaliated with a bigger push and my son ended up in the ditch and he got soaked.

I mean,

Shoes,

The phone,

Everything and covered in mud.

So he comes home and he's covered in mud.

And he tells me that his friend pushed him into the ditch and I just growl.

Like the,

My first response is like a bear.

I am just ready to call this kid's parents and like get to the bottom of this aggression and,

You know,

Get the phone replaced that was submerged in the water.

So my first reaction was really like,

Hey,

No one is going to mess with my baby.

Like that was my first reaction.

So my husband is bearing witness to,

To this tirade that I'm on.

And he says,

Without any emotion,

You're not seeing clearly.

And it was like,

Just like that.

I knew he was right.

I was not seeing clearly like,

Thank goodness for my,

My sage husband.

Um,

So I saw like in that moment I saw,

Oh wow.

This is just this protective mama bear instinct.

The love of my son of not wanting him to be embarrassed or humiliated by his friend.

And then I saw this whole story I have around money like,

Oh,

This privileged kid is going to have to buy a new phone for my son.

And all it took was this sort of gentle observation that I wasn't seeing clearly.

And then I did see clearly like,

Had I gone with my first response,

Which I might add,

I,

I rarely,

Rarely do that's the benefit of practice.

But had I gone with my first response,

I would have called this kid's mom with blame and contempt and kind of demanding restitution.

This is the first impulse in the mind,

But not reacting to that.

Impulse,

Giving the situation a little space,

A little time,

That conversation didn't happen.

What happened is that I sent this boy's mother a note,

Kind of referring to our boys as two young bucks learning not to play near water.

And we had a laugh.

We had a laugh.

So waiting,

You know,

Waiting in so many situations,

Waiting is really,

Really useful.

So when we ask the question is,

Is it the right time to speak?

Is this the right time for the situation?

Sometimes we have to wait.

And if a person is not open to communicating,

We have to discern this.

I've sometimes waited months for conversations to happen.

In some conversations,

I'm still waiting.

So that the conversation can be productive.

You know,

What can happen is,

If the other,

The other person may bring up the topic that you're wanting to discuss,

And hopefully,

You know,

That will,

If that happens,

They're bringing it up and they're possibly less defensive.

They've had time.

If we bring something up too soon,

It's not helpful.

Because we'll be met with resistance and defensiveness and likely that person will shut down.

Because they're not ready.

They're not ready to hear it.

I know that there's been times when I felt that kind of this needs to be taken care of right now.

And I've known,

Like,

Truly known that this person was not ready to communicate.

They couldn't deal with it.

And that it's likely not going to go well.

And you know what?

I've done it anyway.

I've had conversations with people right away.

And it just got worse because the person wasn't ready.

And you know,

There's this moment,

There's this momentary relief.

For me,

Like,

Oh,

I got that out.

But because it got worse,

There's more contraction,

More pain.

And this knowing that now I have to have a follow-up conversation because I actually made it worse.

We do this.

So waiting for the right time,

An hour,

A day,

Five minutes sometimes can be enough.

So the invitation that I leave you with for this week ahead is,

Is what I'm about to say.

Is this the right time to speak?

Is there a better time?

And just as a reminder,

Kind of a guideline,

If you're angry,

It's generally not the time to have an in-depth conversation with somebody if you're angry.

Wait.

You know,

Ask if it's the right time.

And you want to be able to have productive conversations that are supportive for everyone and that don't cause harm.

So thank you.

Reviews

Excellent reminders! I've been considering this alot lately. Over and above when it's the right time there are some conversations I am putting off because I know what I have to say will permanently change the relationship and I need to be sure I'm soft and honest with my words and intention. I need to be sure my current feelings are actually my real ones because I know the words said cannot be unsaid and will change everything. Tricky business. These days when people are getting into loops with text I just call them. It's a terrible way to communicate anything remotely complex.

Thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you 🙏🏻

A very good and important reminder.