Expectations

One of the areas of the mind that is interesting to give attention to is how the mind is capable of having expectations. Expectations are believing that something is going to happen and then waiting for it to happen. It’s a common phenomenon for people to have an expectation of an outcome in meditation – to go on retreat and have an expectation of an outcome, and be disappointed that it didn’t turn out the way that they wanted.

Transcript

So on Tuesday,

Sharon asked if I would be willing to share any insights that I had while on retreat.

And so I thought about this and one of the areas of the mind that's interesting to give attention to is how the mind is capable of having expectations.

Expectations are believing that something is going to happen and then we wait for it to happen.

And it's a common occurrence,

A common phenomena for people to have expectations of an outcome in meditation,

To go on retreat and have expectations of an outcome and to be disappointed that it didn't turn out the way that you wanted.

And when we are living through the lens of expectation,

It limits us,

Like having blinders on.

It limits our ability to really see what's happening.

Everything is measured through what's supposed to be happening.

And sometimes a meditation retreat has all kinds of blessings and wonderful things that can unfold,

But we don't see them because we're so focused on our narrow little window of expectation and what's supposed to happen and what we want to happen and what we believe should happen.

A common instruction when one goes on meditation retreat is to not have any expectations,

But rather to trust the process,

To show up and be mindful of what is and to let it show itself to be with what's going on rather than expecting anything in particular to happen.

And I think that's useful in general in life to be very careful with expectations and our attachments to them because sometimes expectations can really derail us and cause problems.

The important thing for people who do mindfulness practice is to be able to see expectations as they're operating,

To recognize them and identify them,

And then to learn to recognize if we're attached to them.

If there's an over involvement in our expectation and does that put blinders on?

Are we depending on things to work out a certain way?

Are we resisting certain outcomes?

What is our relationship to our expectation?

So I had some expectations going into retreat.

I told myself I didn't,

But they came up.

I expected to get deeply concentrated and we can cultivate greater concentration.

So the method I used was mindfulness of breathing.

And what I found is that my mind kept getting caught up very easily in its preoccupations and its stories and its concerns.

And the sense that came up was,

You know,

I need to do something about this.

My mind was getting pulled away this way and that way,

And I couldn't really stay focused on anything.

So I asked the question,

What else supports concentration?

Expectation still there.

What can I do that develops that in some way?

So the first thing I did was relax.

I relaxed my body.

I really just felt myself sitting,

Being still and dropped into that stillness.

And as I started to relax,

What arose in me were the meta phrases.

May I be happy?

May I be healthy?

May I be free from inner and outer harm?

May I live with ease?

And so I just stayed with that.

And I kept extending it out to all my loved ones,

To all my friends,

To all of you,

To the neutral people in my life,

To the retreatants I was sitting with.

And when I arrived at the difficult person,

What came was not one individual,

Just the concept of politicians and those beings with deep self-serving interests.

But I kept stretching the meta to include them more and more.

And I was able to get very concentrated on just those phrases and just the images of you and my family and my friends.

And when the practice period ended,

The meta didn't stop.

I went outside and it was for all beings,

All beings,

The caterpillars and the birds.

So when I was first introduced to this loving kindness practice,

I mistrusted it.

I thought it was kind of an artificial thing.

How could I do a practice that kind of generates or makes things happen like a feeling or an attitude of kindness?

Those things just kind of happen spontaneously,

Right?

So to manufacture them or to call them forth seems sort of artificial.

So in my early training,

When the teacher would guide us in loving kindness,

I would always tune the teacher out.

I'm not going to do that part.

I'm going to continue with my mindfulness practice.

That's how it kind of went for me.

So the remarkable thing that happened over time was that as the mindfulness itself developed and matured,

It naturally softened the heart so that the natural goodness,

The natural friendliness began to shine on its own.

So right there with the bubbling up of my own heart,

The old crusty fears and protection sort of dissolved.

It's a really great experience.

So traditionally,

Ways to start,

You know,

Or the way to start is to start with yourself.

And it's not meant to be egoic or egotistical.

It's actually meant to be very healthy.

You know,

To develop a sense of well being and goodwill towards yourself.

Some people say that you can't really love for other people unless there's some kind of love towards yourself.

So if you really want to be of service to others,

You need to start towards yourself.

And then you expand the practice out to include people that are our benefactors that we care about.

And then we keep extending the practice out.

Bringing to mind those people who are neutral,

Where you don't really have particular feelings for like,

Maybe the mail carrier or the airline flight attendant,

Or somebody you hardly know at all.

And after that,

You kind of stabilize yourself.

You know,

You stabilize in kindness towards yourself,

Goodwill towards yourself,

To those loved ones and to neutral people.

It's stabilizing.

And then the challenge becomes to expand the sense of goodwill to people who are difficult,

Who are causing harm in the world,

Maybe causing harm to you,

Or to your loved ones.

That just kind of throws a loop.

You know,

It kind of throws people for a loop,

Right?

Like this person who caused me the most harm I'm supposed to have kindness towards,

Goodwill towards them.

It might seem impossible.

And so it becomes a little stretch then.

And sometimes you have to do some reflection on that person.

One of our practitioners yesterday,

She recommended that,

May this person,

This difficult person may they cultivate kindness and goodwill,

May they be healthy and strong for the benefit of others.

So adding that for the benefit of others,

That might be a helpful reflection when working with the difficult.

It doesn't mean you condone what they've done.

It doesn't mean you're foolish around them now or lower your defenses.

Maybe they're still intending to harm you,

But at least you don't lock them out of your heart.

And the idea is if you're doing this well and you're concentrated and very stable,

The mind becomes very,

Very expansive,

Almost as if you're holding everything within the mind.

The mind is just infinitely larger and can handle and hold everything within it until it's boundless.

No boundaries,

No limit to love.

It's a lovely state to be sitting in.

So the lesson,

The insight on this retreat was to expect nothing,

To expect everything.

If our attention can stay relaxed and open,

Then we can receive whatever is happening.

So when you sit to meditate,

I encourage you to expect everything and anything,

Just whatever is happening.

Let it be.

Okay,

This too.

Okay,

Of course.

You can't plan what's going to happen.

So whatever comes,

Oh,

Okay.

And then continue from there in the wisest way you can.

Use your mind's capacity to have expectations to expect well.

And you expect well if you can expect anything.

So thank you for your kind attention this morning.

Reviews

🙏🕊️

That was terrific, Lisa. It will be helpful to me to apply 'no expectations' for my forthcoming short break with family. As always, thank you for sharing 🌟