Hi,
This is Dr.
Lisa DeMoore and I want to think with you about that really challenging moment that happens as a parent or a caregiver when your tween or teen tells you about a friend who's going through a very hard time.
Sometimes they tell you the name of the friend,
Sometimes they don't,
But it's worrisome as an adult because you're trying to figure out two things at once.
First we're trying to figure out like,
Well,
What's going on with that kid who seems to be struggling?
You know,
Is there something that needs to be done?
I've got this information now,
What should I do?
And then of course,
We're also trying to stay in good working connection with our own kid,
The one who's telling us about what's happening.
And it's not at all unusual for these two things to feel like they're at odds with each other that we feel like,
Oh my gosh,
I've got to act on this information about that other kid because this feels serious.
Or if another adult knew about this about my kid,
I'd want to know and so I owe someone information.
And yet we can also worry simultaneously that if I move on this,
I'm going to harm my relationship with my kid.
They're going to be sorry they told me,
They're not going to trust me going forward.
If something big comes up,
They're not going to bring it my way.
So it can be a really terrible dilemma.
Here's the good news.
If we take a beat,
We can usually handle this really,
Really well.
So the first thing we want to assess is whether there's an immediate safety concern,
Right?
If your kid says,
You know,
So-and-so just posted online that they're feeling suicidal,
Well,
Then that changes things,
Right?
Then the issue is,
Let's make sure this kid's safe.
You know,
Somebody needs to call their folks.
You know,
If we can't get their folks,
Someone needs to get in touch with that kid.
Someone needs to do something right away to ensure that child's safety.
Barring that,
You've got a little room to work.
And there really is a way to both take care of someone else's child while also staying in really good close connection with your child.
So the first thing we want to think about is that by the time a teenager is telling an adult something that's going on with a friend of theirs,
They are really worried about it.
Kids are incredibly loyal to one another.
They take each other's privacy very,
Very seriously.
So it's a big deal when a teenager brings to an adult a concern about another kid.
So we want to really honor the fact that our own kid,
The kid who's telling us this information,
Is dealing with something that feels very,
Very heavy to them.
We also want to honor the fact that they often feel like they're not being loyal in telling an adult.
So right out of the gate,
We want to offer reassurance and say,
Look,
You did exactly the right thing.
This is important.
An adult needs to know.
And then we can empathize and just say,
How are you doing this with this information?
Like this is a lot.
Are you okay?
Having done that,
We can then move forward together to come up with a plan.
If it's something big,
And by big,
I mean one of the five things listed at the end of the worksheet that is included here.
If it's self-harm,
If it's very risky behavior,
If it's a question about whether a kid is very depressed,
If it's a question about unsafe relationships or eating disorder behavior,
If it's big,
An adult needs to know.
An adult who can help get that kid to the right kind of care.
But how that adult finds out can be negotiated.
So you can say to your kid,
Okay,
So-and-so's parents need to know.
How do we want to get that information to them?
Do you think your friend could tell them and the adults could confirm to you that they've heard about it?
Do you want to reach out to their,
You know,
Her parents or his parents?
Do you want me to do this?
Is there an anonymous way you want to do this?
Make it a collaboration.
Work together.
Think together.
If it's not an immediate crisis,
Try not to make an end run around your kid.
You usually don't need to,
And usually kids are so grateful if we have a very measured response.
The last thing to say on this is that sometimes kids are scared about what's going to happen if they let us know something's going on with a friend.
So you can also offer your kid what I'll call a consult,
Which is you can say,
Listen,
You know,
You don't need to tell me the name.
Tell me everything.
I'll tell you what I think we should do.
And then if you,
You know,
Want to have a conversation about what I think we should do and maybe negotiate what happens here,
Then you can decide after that if you want to share the name of the friend with me and we can move forward from there.
So here's to you.
Here's to the teens and tweens in your life.
And here's to the fact that they care fiercely for one another,
But sometimes need support from adults about how to do that well.
