When You Reject A Scary Narcissist

Narcissists have a tendency to be vindictive. Knowing what to expect when you divorce or reject a more scary narcissist helps you find the space you need to think objectively rather than reactively

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast. My name is Lisa A. Romano. I am a life coach, Bestselling author, YouTube vlogger, Meditation teacher, And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse. I am a believer in the power of an organized mind. My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life. May your heart feel blessed, Your mind feel expanded, And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast. So today we're going to be talking about what you can expect when you reject a narcissist. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for learning about what it means to recover from this type of a relationship, A narcissistic relationship. Relationships that twist us and bend us and turn us inside out, Relationships that have us really going against our own value system, Doing things that we never thought we would do, Behaving in ways that we never thought we would behave, And living with tremendous self-doubt and regaining our footing after we have been ejected from or we have decided to end a narcissistic relationship. It is a time of tremendous confusion, But also a time of tremendous possibility, A time of tremendous rebirth. A narcissistic relationship will afford you, If you want to look at it that way, Afford you tremendous contrast. What do I mean by that? When you have been in a narcissistic relationship and you don't know what you're dealing with, You are in such a whirlwind. You are so enmeshed. Your mind has been so twisted against itself. God has been used against you. Your kids have been used against you. The fear of what the neighbors think has been used against you. The fear of what your patients or what your clients or customers or coworkers are going to think about you. The fear of what your parents think about you or what your partner's parents or siblings think about you. You are submerged in a world of fear and it is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You may have entered into the relationship quite a confident woman or quite a confident man only to realize that the relationship has left you feeling like a shell of a person with tremendous self-doubt and reeling from ruminating thoughts that are really fear-based. You will find that you feel ashamed of yourself and in moments of clarity when you think, How did I get here? You will feel badly about yourself and think that there's something wrong with you. There's something defective about you and that's why you ended up in this relationship and that of course, Dear one, Is not the case. When we are talking about narcissism, We're talking about psychological and emotional abuse and in some cases, We're also talking about domestic abuse, Sexual abuse. We're talking about feeling physically in fear of our lives and when people are in fear of their lives being threatened, We don't always think clearly. We think in terms of survival right here, Right now. What do I have to say to prevent their rage? What do I have to say or do to get their attention and their focus off of the kids? What do I have to do to get a little bit of money in my pocket so I can put food on the table? What do I have to do now to prevent this person from writing a terrible review about my business? What do I have to do now to prevent this person from embarrassing me in the workplace and coming to my workplace? That's what fear does. It pigeon holes us and that is what a narcissist is relying on. A narcissist relies on fear and relies on shame and relies on trepidation to keep you stuck. All a narcissist has to do is find a way to exploit your vulnerabilities, Exploit what you love the most, Exploit what you've taken care of. For instance, You've grown an amazing business. You're a doctor or a physician or you have a carwash or you have a nail salon, You're a hairdresser, Whatever it is, Whatever it is that you have poured your heart and soul in, A narcissist will seek to destroy it. You're a lawyer. A narcissist will seek to discredit you. A narcissist, If you've ever told a narcissist about some mistakes that you made at trial, A narcissist will get in touch with the court system and try to get you into trouble, Maybe even get you disbarred. Think about everything and anything that you've shared with a narcissistic person and you can expect it, Expect that they will use it against you. I've lived through this. It is extremely debilitating to trust someone and to have them use the very thing that you have entrusted with them against you because they just don't like you anymore or because you had a falling out with them or because you decided to end the relationship for some reason. It's very emotionally debilitating to have that deep part of you that you trusted this other person with to be used against you, But it's important to hit the pause button and to look at that for a moment. What type of a person takes something that you've shared with them that is so sacred and uses it against you to harm you? A narcissist. What type of a person takes your deepest secrets and uses them as ammunition to hurt you? To justify and rationalize a feeling that they have for you, Which is so often tied to narcissistic injury, Feeling rejected. See, You're not allowed to reject a narcissist. You're not allowed to hold a narcissist responsible. You're not allowed to say, Hey, Knock it off. You're not even allowed to say, You know what, It's not working out, I don't want to be a friend anymore or I don't want to live with you anymore or I don't want to continue to sleep with you anymore. You are not allowed to do that because when you do, A narcissist sees that as a personal attack. Narcissists don't understand cause and effect. They don't see themselves as they are. They see themselves through the eyes of victim. They see themselves as having every right in the world to feel self-righteous, To feel better than you, And to remind you of how less you are compared to them. If you want to know what to expect when you end up ending a relationship with a narcissist or when the relationship begins to crash down, Always keep in mind that a narcissist does not want to feel vulnerable. In their world, They have to give you and everyone else the feeling that they are superior. They have to feel like you see them as superior. There are plenty of reasons why. When you think about a narcissist that refuses to get a job, A narcissist that has a drinking problem but denies the drinking problem, The narcissist that prefers to smoke weed then actually go get a job. This type of a mindset comes from the place that they're the victim and that they're entitled to have you go to work, For you to put food on the table, For you to take care of the kids. You should just put up with that indefinitely. These people are giant two-year-olds and feel like they have a right to have you cater to them. When you dare suggest that they're not pulling their weight, Then they behave very poorly to the point where you're just like crying uncle. It wasn't even worth asking, When are you getting a job? Even though that's a very rational question, You're in a marriage with someone or you share an apartment with someone and generally speaking, In a healthy dynamic, Both people are pulling their own weight. Unless of course there's some true physical ailment, Someone has some serious physical ailment, They can't get out of bed and they're seriously ill. But in lots of the cases, We have narcissists that fake illness. We have narcissists that suggest they can't work and they don't work. They don't want to work. They want to be catered to. They want to be taken care of. When you dare suggest that they begin pulling their weight, You will be gaslit, You will be projected upon, You will be accused of being insensitive, You will be accused of not seeing the fact that they can't or they shouldn't have to go get a job, Or you'll be hit with some irrational defense mechanism that has to do with this idea that no one sees their genius and that no one appreciates their value. They're not going to go flip burgers. They're not going to go work at a car wash. How dare you even suggest that they do anything to make something? And so the narcissist will train you to fear negative feedback. When we're dealing with a narcissist, It's important to remember that their fear of feeling vulnerable triggers them and puts them into panic mode. When you are beginning to recognize the pattern of behavior in this person, Whether that is gaslighting, Whether that is the pattern of domestic violence, Whether that is sexual abuse, Whether that is triangulation, Whether that is passive aggressiveness, Stonewalling, Lying, Cheating, Drug addiction, A porn addiction, As you begin to pull yourself off the wall and you're seeing patterns emerge, You might grow less tolerant and less accepting of what's happening in your life. So essentially you're beginning to become aware of what's really happening in your relationship and you're not happy. At that point in time, You can feel really wobbly because you may also recognize that you don't feel safe in your home. You don't feel safe in your own mind. You don't feel safe talking to people because you don't know who your partner or who your friend or sibling has spoken to. You don't know what other people know. You don't know what other people think because a narcissist has crippled you emotionally and psychologically by seeding you or planting these seeds of thought in your mind that have you worrying about what people think about you. Happens all the time. Oh, I bumped into Susie at the grocery store. Yeah, I told her you weren't feeling good. What do you mean I wasn't feeling good? Well, You know, You had that like emotional breakdown last week. You told Susie that I was upset because I found you cheating on me. Well, I didn't tell her that part, But I just told her that you had a little mini breakdown. Healthy people don't try to destroy other people. Keep that in mind. If you are in a relationship that makes you feel like you've got brain fog that causes mental confusion and you are even wondering like, Am I dealing with a narcissist or am I the problem? Keep in mind that's not a healthy dynamic. If you're watching videos about narcissism or listening to podcasts about narcissism, If you are someone like me, I ended up recording conversations that I had with my partner because after every conversation it was just butchered. And I was like, I never said that to the point where I was just like, I had to keep track of conversations that we had. I kept hold of back in the day I had an answering machine in the house. So I held on to the tape recorded messages because I thought I was losing my mind. And so the fact that you may or may or may not be in that type of relationship, But this idea that you're in a relationship that causes so much mental confusion, It's not a good relationship to be in. In my opinion, You're better off if you feel better away from the toxic pool, If you feel better not in the tornado and away from abusive conversations or conversations that cause you to doubt your reality, Which is gaslighting, Crazy making communication. If you feel better not tiptoeing around your own home, Not walking around on eggshells, That's really important to consider because all of us, When we come out of these relationships, We need time to decompress. We need time to heal. There will be a time where you're very jumpy after the relationship, Where you are second guessing yourself. You don't trust your mind for a while, But certainly removing yourself from relationships that cause you to feel this much anxiety is very beneficial. Making sure that you realize that you need time to heal. And it is key to not jump into another relationship, Which many love addicts do, Which many codependents do. Many people who don't know what it's like to be alone or without a relationship don't know what it feels like to be alone. It's like you're free falling off of a cliff and there's no end in sight. There's no bottom in sight. That's what it felt like when I ended my relationship with my ex. I couldn't function. And everything that I had experienced in the relationship that caused me to doubt myself and the smear campaigns and the lies and the complete fabrications, As well as the twisting of the story. One of the most critical things that happens after you end a relationship with a troubled personality, A vindictive personality, Is that they don't tell the whole story. So they end up at your place of business and they're not telling the whole story. Or they begin telling your children about things that happened between the two of you. Oh, Mommy wants us to get divorced. Oh, Mommy is breaking up the family. Mommy doesn't want you to see daddy anymore. Mommy's just trying to hurt daddy. Daddy's so sad. Daddy misses you guys so much. The children don't know that daddy's missing visitation. The lies that come out of someone's mouth who is highly narcissistic are mind boggling. And if you are the healthiest of the two, Then you see the big picture. You know that your children are being hurt by these lies and by these fabrications. And you go to court and the court tells you there's nothing that you can do about it. I actually had a judge tell me that what my ex-husband did with my children during visitation was none of my business. And I thought, You have no idea the words that are coming out of his mouth that he thinks are totally within his right to say. Like the complete disconnect to cause and effect. Or if there was a connection to cause and effect, He didn't care. The goal was to hurt me and hurting the children, He knew would hurt me. And this is something that took me a long time to process because I began to realize that there was more to what was going on because he did not speak to me the way he spoke to me when other people were around. He did not speak to the children the way he spoke to the children when the doors were closed when other people were around. Quite the contrary. When other people were around, He was helpful. When other people were around, He was kind. And so it was very confusing to me and to the kids because we ended up thinking it must be us because he has this other side and he's so nice to other people. So maybe he's mean to us because there's something wrong with us. This was the way that we interpreted it. And staying on the path and really diving into what it meant to heal from codependency, Which is an immature way of relating to other people and even the self, Not having boundaries, Turning yourself into a pretzel, Seeking approval. I was definitely an approval junkie. I did not feel good enough. I thought that I needed approval from other people. I had been raised to believe that love was conditional. I did not feel good enough. I believed it was crazy. It's crazy when I think about it now, Below the veil of consciousness, I had an operating system that by default had me feeling less than, Just feeling attacked and persecuted on the daily or being afraid of when is the next shoe going to drop and not growing up feeling safe, Conditioned me to feel like there was something wrong with me. Certainly if I can't gain my mother's love, There must be something wrong with me. And I was conditioned then to seek approval from people who matched her energy. And so it took me a long time to read through this and say, Wait a minute, My mom acts one way in front of people and she acts another way behind closed doors. She'll praise me to strangers, But she puts me down or she withholds love when it's just the two of us. It took me some time to see that and create space, Cognitive space where I could say, Wait a minute, There's an actual change in her behavior. So as a healing codependent, I was looking at things more objectively and not so personally like we do when we're children, Where we feel like everything's our fault and it's raining, It's our fault or mommy's upset, It's our fault, Daddy's upset, It's our fault. And we go right into these people pleasing, Fawning behaviors to try to gain the affection of the people that we love. And so when I came out of that, I was able to see more clearly like, Wow, Like he treats our neighbor's kids better than he treats our kids or he treats me one way in front of people and another way behind closed doors. Isn't that interesting? Like I was beginning to see the pattern and that is something that if you're struggling with this and you are living with someone who has convinced you that everything is your fault, Why you get hit, Why you get raged at, Why you get yelled at, Why the kids get hit, Why they say what they do, Why they cheat on you. If you have had your mind twisted and you now are not sure if you're responsible for this behavior, You're not, Okay, Listen to what I'm saying. You are not responsible for someone's rage. Healthy people don't rage. We all lose our minds sometimes. We all have bad moments, But healthy people feel guilty. They feel remorseful. They make amends and there's a true intention to change. A narcissist may know that they've done something wrong. They may cry, Beg your forgiveness, But the behavior never changes. It's Groundhog's Day. Every day is Groundhog's Day. Nothing changes. If it does change, It's temporary. It doesn't last. And so objectively, If you stand back, Just stand back, Imagine you're standing on the moon and you will see, Wow, I've been here before. I've been here many times. Once it's a mistake, Twice it's a pattern, Three times it's going to happen again. And so it's important that we all gain some clarity that it's not, You're not responsible for someone's drinking. You're not responsible for how they speak to the children. You're not. We're grown ass adults and we're responsible for ourselves. But an unhealthy person who has not evolved, Who has not self-actualized, Who doesn't have very good life skills is going to blame everybody else but themselves. You could have lots and lots of degrees on your wall and still be somebody who thinks that your rage is the responsibility of someone else, That someone else caused your rage. You could be a priest or a rabbi and be doing god awful things in the name of God and believe that you have a right to do these things, That you have a right to judge or persecute or abuse people and you don't. And so it's important that we recognize that healthy people don't abuse other people. And when a healthy person has a bad moment, Which we will all do, Healthy people feel remorse and then they change. Unhealthy people on the narcissistic spectrum make excuses for what they did and then they feel like you should feel bad for them because they hurt their child or because they hurt you. You should feel bad for them that they hurt you. It is absolutely mind boggling. I've had clients tell me that they suffered abusive children and then the mom or the dad would say, Well, You know why I hit you, Right? You know why I yelled at you, Right? Because you made me do it, Right? Daddy came from a rough childhood. Now all of a sudden the child is being forced to think about daddy's childhood. That's not an apology. That's not insightful. That's narcissism. It's not about you. If you've abused someone, It's not about you. It's about the person that you've abused. It's about you acknowledging you hurt someone. It's about you feeling what that other person is feeling because you hurt them. Narcissists can't do that. So narcissists hurt people and then their weird apology, Their crazy apology has to do with twisting your mind and getting you to feel sorry for the fact that they abused you. Call a narcissist out on that and they get rageful. They take it as a personal attack. How dare you suggest this? How dare you? And so let's talk about some specific things that will happen when you reject a narcissist and you are giving the narcissist the feeling like, No, No, We're done. We're not doing this anymore. So they will absolutely see your rejection as a personal attack. You are not rejecting their behavior. You are rejecting them. That will trigger their narcissistic injury from childhood or whatever injury wounded them to the point that they have become narcissists in the first place. You will pay for their mother's sins. You will pay for their sister's sins. You will pay for their first wife's sins or their husband's sins. Anybody who abused them in childhood, Their brother abused them in childhood and did something awful to them. It hasn't been healed. It hasn't been dealt with appropriately or enough. And you reject a narcissist, All of that pain and all of that anger, Repressed anger, And all of those feelings that the narcissist has never been able to heal, You become the recipient of that. Everything will be your fault. So they take your rejection of them as a personal attack. So be careful. They get really triggered. They get triggered into rage. And the rage can lead to domestic violence or sexual abuse, Damage to your property, And abuse of children. And so when you're rejecting a narcissist, This is a very delicate place that you're in. And depending on what type of narcissist you're dealing with, It can move into the extreme where we have to get the authorities involved. And then you can get the authorities involved. And sometimes the authorities blame you. Well, Why'd you stay with him? Why'd you marry him? Well, We're not going to file a police report. We're not going to lock him up because you're just going to get him out of jail tomorrow. So this is a systemic problem. And I'm really not sure what the answer is to it, Because we do know that there are people who abuse the system and claim that things have happened to them that haven't happened to them. We know that that happens too. So there really is a systemic issue. But I think the more educated each of us are about the problems, Then the greater potential it is for us to avoid some of these issues and at least be aware of what might happen next. I don't want anybody surprised, Because when I was going through this, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know what I was really, Really dealing with. I felt so guilty for needing a divorce. I mean, I was dying in my marriage. I had asthma. I had migraine headaches. I had rashes all over my body. My immune system was breaking down. I was failing. I had gastrointestinal issues. My asthma was so bad one day that. . . And I never had asthma before. This was all adult onset asthma in my marriage. And so the energy in my body, Sacred energy that I should have been using to love and to be loved and express love, I was using to suppress how I really felt and to survive a toxic relationship. And my body was revolting. I felt guilty about saying, I can't do this anymore. I mean, No one should feel guilty for telling their truth. Sure, You can feel bad. I guess you could feel somewhat guilty because you're upsetting an apple cart. Your kids are going to be part of the process if you have children. But to the point where your guilt is crippling you and preventing you from moving forward and making healthy decisions, No. I don't think that is anything that we should have to deal with. However, When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits, We're dealing with someone who is going to throw the kitchen sink at you and to do a number on your mental field and your spirit to cripple you so that you can't move forward. Because the worst thing that you can do is reject a narcissist. That's their worst fear coming true, That you see beyond the mask, That you know that the person they're pretending to be is an illusion. You know the truth. They can't deal with that. They live in this fantasy version of themselves. And you now suggesting that they are leaveable goes against their perception of self. And so you have become a threat. They may even kidnap your children. They will pick your kids up from school. They won't tell you. They'll go to the school. They'll make up a lie as to why they have to pick up the kids. And they could actually kidnap your children even for a few hours. This has happened. And so being aware of this step, I think when you're in this type of a relationship, You take so much for granted. You don't ever think that someone could do something that you would never think about doing. And then it happens. Someone that you love, Someone that you trusted, Someone that you vowed your life to is suddenly doing things that you never thought they'd ever do. And you can get really arrested in that space. And that's why I think at a minimum, It's helpful to at least be prepared for a potential. In most cases, This is not going to happen. But now you know that it's worth having a conversation with your kid's teacher or it's worth having a conversation with the school guard. It's worth having a conversation with the principal that, Listen, My husband or my wife has limited visitation and they are not to be picking up the children at school. Lots of times we're afraid to tell the authorities what's really going on. We're embarrassed. We have to get over that. We have to get over that because plenty of people out there think, Oh, Well, He or she will never do this. They're not capable of it. And you really don't see what someone's made of until you tell them no. You really don't see how deeply invested someone is in narcissism or how narcissistic they are until the relationship falls apart. And that's when people reveal themselves. When people reveal themselves with vindictiveness, You know that you're dealing with someone who's on the spectrum. And they will tell you, Of course they are not. They will justify and rationalize trying to destroy you, Trying to hurt you and your children, Trying to smear your name. They have all of this rationalization. And interestingly enough, It's very altruistic rationalization. They're preventing people from being hurt by you. They're preventing you from hurting your children. So it's very bizarre and you have to really be securing yourself and know, Wow, That's what they're going to do. That's what they're going to say. They're going to say I'm a bad mom. They're going to say I'm a bad lawyer. They're going to say I'm a bad doctor. They're going to say that I'm a bad anesthesiologist. They're going to say that I'm a bad facialist. They're going to say that I'm a bad financial advisor. They're going to say that. And so just be prepared and don't fall for it. This is their way of justifying and making themselves feel better about the demise of the relationship. They are the victim and you are the persecutor. They may fake police reports. This is great. And this is a problem. When this happens, It is absolutely mind bending. So you don't want to make things worse. So you're being harassed, You're being stalked. You know, You're getting 30 text messages a day. You're being stalked on Facebook. Nasty pictures are going around about you. Rumors are going around about you. You're getting nasty messages on your home answering machine. You think you're being followed and there are no police reports filed. And then suddenly there's a knock on your door and the narcissist has filed the police report against you. Absolutely not real, Totally fake. Narcissist suggests that you were the one that was aggressive and he or she feels threatened by you. So you're the one who doesn't make the first move. You've been persecuted. And again, You're coming from the standpoint that this person will, You would never do this to this person. That goes out the window when you're dealing with the narcissist. And I think that's one of the most mind bending things that happen. And it makes you feel so wobbly because you're like, I can't believe he said that or I can't believe she did that. But yet they're doing it. Remember just because you wouldn't doesn't mean someone else isn't going to. And so if you are finding yourself at the end of a relationship, Whether it's a friendship, Whether it's a sibling relationship, Whether it's a relationship with your parents or a spouse who's a narcissist, Don't be surprised that they do things that you never would. And just get over that really quick. Suck it up, Buttercup, Real quick. Like, Okay, This is the game we're playing. So now you know that you need a legit police report. Someone throws something at you, Someone shoves you, Someone tries to intimidate you, Someone's harassing you on Facebook. You copy every text message. You record every phone call that you have. Every time you feel harassed, Every time someone uses threatening body language against you, You keep records of it. If there's any evidence, Tangible evidence that you can get, Digital evidence, You collect it because you're going to need it one day. Okay, So they may file fake police reports. So it's smart to start gathering your evidence and to not wait. Just get it on file. They may wipe out your bank account. So you're at work one day and you realize that you two are getting a divorce and you know that marital assets are marital assets and you just assume that you're going to get to a point where you're working with a mediator or attorneys and you'll just divide everything that you have. Well, A narcissist goes in there and swoops it out before you even have a chance because it's still a marital asset and there's not much that you can do about it. And you will be shocked. But what I'm saying is suck it up, Buttercup, Real quick because you've got to get on your feet again and you have to start protecting yourself moving forward. These are some of the things that a narcissist will do to you that you might never even think about doing to them. So they play sick. So you want to end a relationship with the narcissist. You've had it with your mom, You've had it with your dad, You've had it with your family. You're tired of being the one that they abuse, That they scapegoat. You're tired of being the one that's taking care of everybody while they crap all over you. You're just done. Now you get a phone call that dad's really sick or Mary's really sick or Joe is really sick and you're supposed to drop everything and forget all your boundaries and just be there for these people. I caution you because that in lots of cases is nothing but a trap. It's emotional manipulation. They know that you're sensitive. They know that you're empathic. They know that you've always been there for everybody in the past. They know you're setting a boundary. They know that you're escaping the loony bin and misery loves company and you're not allowed to escape the loony bin. You're not allowed to say no bueno. You're not allowed to say no more. You're not allowed to say, Hey you, You want to hang out with mom? You want to hang out with dad? You want to hang out with these people that are cruel, Vindictive and mean? Go ahead. I'm going to the beach. I'm going shopping. I'm going on a vacation. I'm done. I'm turning my phone off. I'm changing my phone number. They don't want that. So don't be surprised if a narcissist plays sick. They call you. They tell you they broke a hip. They need help. No one's there to help. Don't fall for it. You're just being hoovered back in. They threaten to harm themselves. Sometimes a narcissist will use this as a threat and sometimes they even follow through, Which is very sad, But don't be surprised. But when you hold that line and you say no more that they don't threaten to do something terrible to themselves. They will smear your name personally and professionally. We talked about that a little bit before. So if you have an online business, Expect to get bad reviews. If you have a physical business, Expect them to show up and to say negative things about you. Expect them to send flying monkeys in the store to say negative things about you. Personally, Your name will be smeared on Facebook. It'll be smeared on Instagram. Within your inner circle, They'll try to hook up with people that you know. They'll talk to your family about you. Triangulation, Remember triangulation happens long before the smear campaign in most cases. They're hedging their bets in case you decide to want to end the relationship. They're already lining up future sources of narcissistic supply who they can pull into their delusional fantasy about themselves, Where you're the bad guy and they're the good guy, Even though they're actually the bad guy and you're actually the good guy. And so expect that to happen as well. They get cozy with authorities and members of your church and even members of the police department. So these are people who understand that they need the authorities on their side. So do you go to church? No, Expect a narcissist to go talk to your priest about your troubled relationship and how concerned they are about you and your mental health. If you go to a synagogue, Be prepared to have the narcissist go speak to your rabbi and act like they're your savior and act like they're so worried about you. Imagine that you are in a situation with someone who has ties to the local police department. Narcissists might hate the police, But here they are. They're bringing the police department coffee and donuts every week now, Or they know where the police chief plays golf and they start playing golf with the police. They start playing golf with the police chief. They know where the police chief brings the kids to school or after school and suddenly the narcissist is cozying up to members of the police department. Why? In case you file a police report, In case you say no more. So they're creating sources of narcissistic supply in case the relationship goes flat or the relationship explodes. They're creating these sources of narcissistic supply to enhance their ability to make you out to be the bad guy. Why? So that you feel completely, Completely threatened and alone and powerless. Can you imagine how powerless Nicole Brown Smith felt when it came to OJ Simpson, When it came to the police department that were totally taken back and starstruck when they had to deal with OJ Simpson? This is the type of thing I'm talking about. So the goal is to really psychologically cripple someone to the point where the victim knows that the abuser has people of authority in their pocket, Whether it be a church, A rabbi, A priest, Whether it's someone at the police department, The fire department, The principal at the kids' school. So they're very, Very careful about picking people to be sources of narcissistic supply. So they will gaslight you. So they're using crazy making communication to make you doubt your reality. I never said that. I think you're losing your mind. No, No, No. That's not what we said. No. I didn't say I was going to come pick the kids up on Wednesday. You made that up. You're just trying to make me look bad. Are you telling my kids that I was supposed to be there on Wednesday, Lisa? Is that what you're doing? And then you end up questioning yourself. You get out the divorce papers. You get out the mediation papers. And you go, No, No, No. It says right here that you're supposed to pick them up on Wednesday. Yeah, But we decided I wasn't going to be there till Sunday. You see you're losing your mind. You're slipping. They're gaslighting you. So they bully you. So they don't pay child support on time, Or they make fun of the way that you look, Or they accuse you of things that you're not guilty of. So there is this emotional and physical bullying. Sometimes they'll actually prevent you from going into the bedroom, Or they'll block your way into the bathroom, Or they won't let you out of the bathroom. So it's their body language as well as the verbal words that they use to intimidate you in some way. They will beg for forgiveness. And so suddenly this person remembers everything that you ever wanted them to do. And they're talking about their wounded childhood. And they're talking about they feel stupid. They talk about how they know that they have a problem, That everyone they've been with has told them that they have this problem. And suddenly they're like puppies in your hands. They activate your empathy, And you think, Okay, Finally, Finally, This person has some level of self-awareness. And you don't realize it's a ploy, That in just a short amount of time, This person's behavior is going to return to the way it was. So they will bait you into argument. So if they feel like they're losing power and control over you, And you're not falling for the arguments anymore, You know that it makes no sense to argue with someone who has high narcissistic traits. You know that it's all about dominance and control. You know that they are emotional ninjas. You know that they have a very strong vibration, And they are not crippled, Or they are not drained by these arguments. They're actually charged by them. And you're like, I'm done. Like you're tapping out. Like, Okay, No problem. You know, Think what you want to think, Feel what you want to feel. Your feelings are not my responsibility. You have a right to dislike me. It's okay. You're entitled to reality. Like I'm done. Like, Okay. But they're not done. Because that means that they don't have control over you. So a narcissist wants dominance and wants control. So they will bait you into an argument. And it's really tough not to allow your ego to get activated and not fight back. But that's where your power lies. You see, Because if you take the bait, They win. And the minute you turn around and you react, Every cylinder in their body, Every atom in their body is recharged. I got her. Or I got him. Look how upset she is. Look how ticked off she is. Look, She's gritting her teeth. Look, Look. And then you know what they say? Look at you. You're losing your mind. All I did was say I like your hair. No they didn't. But this is the mind game that they play. And it's really hard to explain this to someone. Because you know, I'll turn around and say, Oh, You know, You said something about my hair today. And my dad would say, Maybe he liked your hair today. Oh, Forget it. You don't get it. I don't, I'm not talking to you. Right? It's almost impossible to explain this to someone who hasn't been there, Which is why I think podcasts and videos about this stuff and books about this, You know, Written by people who have been there or who understand this is so, So valuable for the rest of us who feel like we're losing our minds. So they use leveling in arguments. So what they do is, So you call them out on cheating and they bring up something from the past that you shared with them that you did. Almost like counterbalance the fact that they've cheated. It has nothing to do with the fact that you caught them cheating. Nothing. But you, You told them that you cheated on your taxes six years ago or you told them that, You know, You bumped into a car and you left the scene of an accident, You know, Five years ago. And they're talking about that to offset the argument. So this is what they'll do when they know that you're rejecting them and you're telling them why you're rejecting them. So they blackmail you. This is a real tough one. So some narcissists, I've had plenty of clients who have said, You know, I told this person that I was dating or this person that I was married to about this event in the past and I didn't realize that the narcissist was using all of this information and storing it in their data bank. And when I wanted to dissolve the relationship, I began to get blackmailed. So they wanted $12, 000 out of me or they wanted $25, 000 out of me or they told me I had to sign over the house to them. Otherwise they were going to tell the kids that I did this or I did that or there are pictures, You know, Sometimes they'll expose the pictures of you that you shared with them. It's so important that we don't jump into relationships and so many of us do that who have never really had relationship experience in the past. So maybe we were busy with school or maybe our parents didn't let us date or whatever. And so we have real no relationship experience. So we tend to jump into relationships, Which is a red flag. So if you're doing that, No more, No more, No more jumping from one relationship into the next relationship. Another thing that we do is when we meet someone who is love bombing us, We could become intoxicated by this love bombing and then we get activated. Like I finally feel seen. So our narcissism, Our healthy narcissism, We're finally feeling seen. It's like someone shining a mirror on this area of our brain that makes us feel like we have a self and someone is giving us the information that whatever they see and whatever they feel is really positive, Which can be addicting. So you have to be careful when you meet someone who is fast tracking the relationship and who is love bombing you in the beginning. Relationships take time and there are people out there that you will meet that will love bomb you, That they have an agenda, They need a source of narcissistic supply, They're coming off of a relationship that's already gone bust or they're looking for a second source of narcissistic supply, Maybe cheating on their wife or the husband, It happens. And so you need time to really see if this person is who they say they are. So words really mean nothing. Someone's behavior will tell you everything. So there are red flags that you need to watch for in the beginning of the relationship that if you really get serious about not ignoring red flags, Then you can prevent yourself from experiencing a whole lot of trouble. So right out of the gate, Love bombing is something that you want to pump the brakes on. Somebody who is trying to get you to change, Pump the brakes on that. Somebody who hardly knows you and is telling you that they love you, Pump the brakes on that. Someone who is pushy, Pump the brakes on that. Somebody who you catch in a lie, Be very careful about that. Somebody who isn't nice to waiters and waitresses and it was unkind to people that can do nothing for them, Pump the brakes on that. So when you start to see inconsistencies in someone's, What they're saying and in their behavior, That's something you cannot ignore. And too many of us ignore it. We're in the relationship six months down and we're just thinking, Oh, He or she had a bad day or this isn't going to happen forever. These drunken episodes with them being belligerent, Oh, It'll never happen again. He or she knows that they made a mistake and it'll never happen again, Then it happens again and then it happens again. And so at one point we have to recognize objectively that this is unhealthy. You're being gaslit. You're being accused of things that you're not guilty of. Not once, Twice, Three times, It's a pattern. These are things that we have to peel ourselves off the wall of and say, Wow, This is a very unhealthy pattern and I have the right to accept how I feel. Someone is gaslighting you, Causing you to doubt your reality, Right? Peel yourself off the wall and go, Wow, I'm being gaslit. That's quite unhealthy and that's a narcissistic trait. Be objective about your relationships because if you're not and you stay emotional, Oftentimes the cognitive dissonance that gets created inside a narcissistic relationship in addition to trauma bonding is when you have these inconsistent moments of greatness where you guys have a great day. It's a horrible day and you're blamed for it. So the narcissist triggers your fear of abandonment. Everything becomes your fault. And so your relationship to the narcissist becomes like the carrot that they dangle in front of your face. You want more of those highs in spite of those lows. So you ignore the lows and you keep chasing the high. That's destructive. But you can't fix a hole in the wall that you can't see. So if you don't know that that's destructive, You stay on that Ferris wheel. So I just hope that this session has been beneficial. It's hoped to open your mind and it has helped to open your mind to this idea that there are true red flags that are indicators that more trouble is up ahead and that you need to do something before it gets worse. I really also hope that for those of you who have found yourself in this type of relationship that this session brought some clarity to you. You now have an idea of what to expect. You don't feel so off balance anymore. This is actually predictable. I hope that those of you who are ending a relationship are better prepared for what might come. For me, I always felt that if I knew what might happen, If I knew what's coming down the pike, Then I could at least mentally and emotionally prepare myself for it. At the time, I was not prepared for it and it was devastating. But I can tell you that I hear from many of you, Write me all the time and let me know that, Wow, I didn't know that, Lisa, But when you said it that way, It made so much sense to me, It clicked. And you're right, This is predictable behavior and it just made so much sense to me. It gave me the strength to move forward with my life. And so I hope that you're having that experience. Remember that you are enough and that a narcissist will control your points of attraction. And as long as a narcissist controls your points of attraction, You don't have one, Which means that you cannot design your life by design. That means that whatever the narcissist throws at you, You're going to end up dealing with, Which means the life that you have, The potential that you have to create an amazing life is being snuffed out of you by being in a toxic relationship. And that's not what you have come to experience. You have come to find your light, To let it shine and to live your life by design. You cannot do that when a narcissist is in your life. Namaste everybody, Until next time. Bye for now.

Reviews

Great. Thank you 🙏🏻

I related to so much of what is said here & have had most of it done to me. These talks give me the strength & encouragement to keep trying to break free from a lifelong narcissist. Thank you.

I wish I had heard this years ago!

This was excellent. Wisdom and truth in every sentence. Thank you

Very illuminating talk! Please do another episode on how to deal with a narc-ex when there are small children involved, so that the ex stays very close.... Mine has 'stolen' everything and everyone in my life....