The Drama Triangle Of Codependency

The drama triangle keeps someone with codependency stuck. Life Coach Lisa A. Romano dives deep into the healing process for those struggling with enabling, denial, caretaking, and rescuing. In this episode, you will learn that caretaking is not love. Caution, the truth hurts.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about how you might really be able to understand whether or not it is you are codependent.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano and I am a expert in the field of mental toughness.

And the things that I've learned along my life's path I learned the hard way like so many of us do.

The school of hard knocks if you will.

As a recovering codependent,

As a adult child of two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics,

I grew up in a home that was very oppressive.

We weren't allowed to feel.

We weren't allowed to express ourselves.

In fact,

Our home was very stoic.

It was very cold.

It was very rigid.

And interestingly enough,

The only person that was really allowed to express themselves was my dad.

I could tell that my mother very much repressed her emotions and I,

Like all children do,

Internalized that.

I got the sense that women were supposed to not feel,

That women were supposed to acquiesce,

That women were supposed to tone themselves down,

Almost unplug themselves from their power in order to make the men in their lives feel better.

I watched my mother do this my entire life and sadly she died that way in my opinion.

Very much under the thumb of my father,

Very much subjugating her needs and acquiescing and caretaking and rescuing her two brothers who were alcoholics themselves and compulsive gamblers.

It's no big mystery as to why I myself became a codependent person or why,

In my opinion,

Both my siblings became codependent themselves.

It really isn't a mystery once you understand what codependency is.

However,

There are moments in our lives where there is no way that we can run from ourselves,

Where we have hit rock bottom and we get to a point where we've endured enough suffering,

Where we realize something has to change.

In my life that something has to change came when my body was failing.

Out of nowhere I developed adult onset asthma.

I was developing rashes and I don't mean just minor rashes.

I mean rashes that blanketed my entire body.

I would wake up and from my neck down to my waist I'd be covered in rashes front and back.

Another time I would wake up and it would be from my waist down to my ankles covered in rashes.

Another time it might just be my face.

Another time it just might be my back.

But I was developing these rashes over time and I spent many days in doctor's offices being tested trying to figure out what was the root cause and we could never find a root cause.

The asthma that I had finally a doctor said to me you shouldn't be sick.

There is no physical reason for why you're sick.

You better listen to your body because your body is listening to you.

I also began to develop crippling migraine headaches to the point where my lips would go numb or one side of my face would go numb.

My arm would feel like a log like a dead log.

I would have no feeling in my arm.

I went to the doctor and they couldn't find anything.

They said oh it must be a migraine.

I had incidents where I had the aura in my eye where things started to get fuzzy in my field of vision.

Again could not find anything and oh you have migraines.

Like that was it.

But if you add all these things together on top of being tired and losing my hair I didn't know that I had blown out my thyroid on top of it.

So we have crippling migraine headaches.

We have asthma to the point at one point I was breathing with less than 20 percent of one lung.

Pretty bad.

And I have these rashes.

I'm on steroids.

I'm on creams.

I'm tired.

I'm not sleeping.

My hair is falling out.

And you have a human being who is suffering all day every day and looking for answers outside of herself.

That was me.

For a solution to these problems.

Unaware that in my case at least the root cause of these problems was stress was anxiety.

And the root cause of my stress and anxiety was codependency.

And the root cause of my codependency was my subconscious programming.

I didn't know at the time that I had been programmed up until the age of seven and on but specifically between zero and seven because all children are in a theta brainwave state which is a hypnotic brainwave state to think and feel a particular way.

So I was outside conscious awareness absorbing the energies of my home downloading the norms of my home.

Oh when daddy gets mad mommy shuts up.

Okay I got that.

Mommy's doing that.

I'll do that.

Oh daddy's frustrated.

Mommy's running around like a chicken with her head caught off trying to make daddy calm down.

Oh I got that.

Oh daddy's getting loud.

Mommy shuts down even though she's gritting her teeth.

Oh I get that.

Oh daddy's not around.

Then mommy explodes in front of the kids.

Oh I get that.

We download all of this information without even knowing it.

So how did I know that I was codependent?

What was the moment when I realized yeah this is true for me for me and I wanted to share that with you because I think a lot of us don't know that we are codependent and on top of it we think we might be sometimes but we're not sure we're unsure.

I also think that the term codependency gets a bad rap.

I think for me it is one of those labels that allows you to understand what's wrong and if you understand what's wrong only then can you fix it.

If I can't identify a problem I certainly can't find the solution so I was never opposed to saying I am codependent at all even though there were people on YouTube saying or trying to imply that codependency was something to be ashamed of.

I never felt that way.

I understood in time that codependency was rooted in shame.

When you are codependent you struggle with shame.

That's not your fault.

Shame is something that happened to you.

In one of my books I call it the sweater of shame.

I have an exercise that I teach it's about taking off this sweater of shame the SOS sweater of shame that's tied to codependency.

If you're experiencing shame from any type of experience in childhood,

Childhood emotional neglect,

Childhood trauma,

Whatever happened to you matters and you have shame tied to that dear one that's not your fault.

It could be no other way and if as a result of feeling shame and shamed in your childhood you have picked up codependency traits along the way it could be no other way and that's not your fault.

You are simply trying to survive.

Trying to survive what?

Feeling not good enough?

Trying to get your needs met like every human being tries to do every single day of their life?

There's no shame in being codependent and I really wish there was more empathy and understanding around all types of experiences that we have and I think that if we can eradicate this idea that we need to be ashamed and who and who and what we are it would be so much easier for us to heal.

Even if someone who had high narcissistic traits could accept that they weren't perfect and they could accept their shame and embrace their shame they would have a much greater chance at healing if they could accept it.

Unfortunately when we're dealing with people with high narcissistic traits they really don't think there's anything wrong with them.

It's always someone else so when they're angry it's someone else's fault.

If they're upset it's someone else's fault and however I feel again in my humble opinion those of us who identify as codependents we're much more able to heal because we're able to see what's wrong.

We're able to embrace the fact that we're not perfect.

In fact we've grown up feeling imperfect.

Lots of times we just feel broken.

It can it's I'm just broken there's something wrong with me.

I was conditioned to believe that I was bad.

I heard you're bad,

You're bad,

You're bad,

You're bad.

All while I was growing up you're selfish,

You're a drama queen,

You're too much,

Your needs are too much,

You're just too much,

You're just too much.

And so I believed that I was too much and what do you do when you believe that you're too much?

You try to tone yourself down because you think maybe that's the answer to gain love.

Just trying to get my needs met.

However the way we go about getting our needs met is maladaptive.

Long story short when my marriage was really falling apart and I came to the realization that my marriage was at the core of all the stress that I was experiencing or my relationship.

I think that's a fair way to say it.

My relationship with my ex was very unfulfilling.

It was very frustrating.

It was minimizing.

I felt like I was invisible.

I felt like I didn't matter.

I was definitely the pursuer in the relationship craving a connection with him and feeling pushed away and pushed away and pushed away.

And then being told all the things that I was told as a child.

There's something wrong with you,

You're too much,

Your needs are ridiculous,

No one thinks like you.

And it was really shocking when I began the healing journey to realize how similar the things that he said were to the things that I heard my mom say growing up.

So here I was an adult woman,

At least I looked like an adult woman,

Very much in a marriage but operating through the wounds of the inner child and having that mix with some level of consciousness that I should not have been treated that way and having my ego get activated and then ego defense mechanisms acting up in me and me becoming reactive in the relationship.

After many years of just trying to be good enough and trying to be good enough,

I was just drained.

And that's when my body really began to fail.

I went into therapy for like a fourth or fifth time,

Maybe even a sixth time.

And I guess I was ready to hear it because I finally found a psychologist who said,

You're depressed,

But you're depressed because you're codependent.

And you're codependent because you were raised by two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics.

Go home and read this book,

Codependent No More.

And that's really when my life began to change.

Now,

When I went and I got the book Codependent No More,

I can tell you that I read the first few pages and I slammed the book shut because I thought,

Oh no,

Like if I keep reading,

I'm going to find answers and then what?

It's like the toothpaste that you squeeze out of the tube,

You can't get it back in again.

That's what self-awareness is.

Once you reach one level of self-awareness,

You can't unsee it.

And I knew myself up until that point,

I was complaining,

I was frustrated.

I didn't know what was wrong.

But here this book was about to show me what was wrong.

And knowing myself,

The way my mind works,

It's very logical and very analytic,

Once very analytical,

Once I understand all the pieces of the puzzle,

I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back.

So I want to read you a few pages of Codependent No More.

So please stick with me.

And I think it's important if you are struggling with codependency,

If you are wondering whether or not you are codependent,

This might clear it up for you.

So this is from page 84.

Not easy to hear.

And this hit me.

I remember the moment I was sitting at,

I had a teak dining room table with a glass top,

Beautifully carved.

And I remember reading it one very early morning and slammed the book shut.

And I felt like a sledgehammer hit me between the forehead because I was like,

Ooh,

This is me.

And I don't like it.

I don't like what I see in myself.

And it was a beautiful moment because up until that time,

I didn't know this is what I was doing.

And I didn't know that I was stuck in a childhood pattern from the past.

But once I saw it and I felt the pain of it,

It was like the pain versus pleasure principle flipped.

And I associated pain with being this person and pleasure with changing.

So I hope that it has a similar effect with some of you.

On page 84,

What's a rescue?

Rescuing and caretaking means almost what they sound like.

We rescue people from their responsibilities.

We take care of people's responsibilities for them.

Does that sound familiar,

Dear one?

Later,

We get mad at them for what we've done.

Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves.

That is the pattern.

That is the triangle.

Rescuing and caretaking are synonymous.

Their definitions are closely connected to enabling.

Enabling is therapeutic jargon.

That means a destructive form of helping.

Any acts that help an alcoholic continue drinking prevent the alcoholic from suffering consequences or in any way make it easier for an alcoholic to continue drinking are considered enabling behaviors.

As counselor Scott Eggelson says,

We rescue any time,

Any time we take responsibility for another human being.

For that reason,

For that person's thoughts,

For their feelings,

For their decisions,

For the behaviors,

For their growth,

For their wellbeing,

For their problems or their destiny.

The following acts constitute a rescuing or caretaking move.

Get ready,

Dear one.

Here it comes.

Doing something we really don't want to do.

Saying yes when we mean no.

Doing something for someone,

Although that person is completely capable of and should be doing it for him or herself.

Meeting people's needs without being asked and before we've agreed to do so.

I actually have that highlighted,

So I must have had a huge problem with that in the past.

Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested.

So you just go over and beyond.

Consistently giving more than we receive in a particular situation.

All right.

This is serious stuff.

Fixing people's feelings.

So that means that you're uncomfortable when someone's sad and you take it upon yourself to make them feel better.

Doing people's thinking for them.

So your sister has a problem and you put on your co-dependent cape and you go in there and you tell her do this,

Do this,

Do this,

Do this.

Makes you feel better.

Speaking for another person.

Stepping into their life.

Speaking on behalf of them.

Suffering people's consequences for them.

Rather than standing by and watching and observing perhaps someone in your family that has gotten to trouble at work.

Rather than calling the boss and lying,

Well my son couldn't make it into work because there was a car accident or someone died in the family.

You're lying mom stop.

This is what they're referring to.

Suffering people's consequences for them.

In other words like you are making it impossible for that person to take responsibility for their actions.

You are someone who does community service for someone who should be doing the community service.

You're suffering the consequences of their actions.

You're solving people's problems for them.

So rather than allow your kids to figure out how to pay money for their rent.

Maybe they need to get a second job.

Maybe they need to do extra work.

Maybe they need to stop spending money on x,

Y,

And z.

Maybe they need to be responsible so they have money for rent.

You go and you pay their rent.

Putting more interest and activity into a joint effort than the other person does.

And knowing that you're doing it and seething on the inside.

Not asking for what we want,

Need,

And desire.

We rescue when we take care of other people.

Now at the time we rescue this is where it gets very murky because most codependents will admit or have no problem admitting I'm a caretaker.

I'm a rescuer.

I help everybody.

But this is where we will,

This is the defining line.

If you have codependency and you are ready to heal,

You will hear the next part and you will want to change.

At the time we rescue or caretaker,

We may feel one or more of the following feelings.

Discomfort,

Awkwardness about the other person's dilemma,

Urgency to do something.

We might feel pity or guilt or saintliness.

We feel good about it.

That's our ego.

Anxiety,

Extreme responsibility for that person or problem.

Fear,

A sense of being forced or compelled to do something.

Mild or severe reluctance to do anything.

More competency than the other person we're helping.

Or occasional resentment at being put in this situation.

We also think the person we are taking care of is helpless and unable to do what we are doing for him or her.

We feel needed temporarily.

Now,

Caretaking looks much friendlier than it actually is.

Hope your ears are on.

It requires incompetency on the part of the person being taken care of.

We rescue victims,

People who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves.

The victims actually are capable of taking care of themselves even though we and they don't admit it.

Usually our victims are,

Imagine,

Imagine codependence on victims.

Usually our victims are just hanging around that corner of the triangle waiting for us to make our move and jump on the triangle with them.

After we rescue,

We inevitably move to the next corner of the triangle,

Persecution.

We become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously helped.

We've done something we didn't want to do.

We've done something that was not our responsibility to do so.

We've ignored our own needs and wants and then we get angry about it.

To complicate matters,

This victim,

This poor person we've rescued,

Isn't even grateful for our help.

He or she is not appreciative enough of the sacrifices we have made.

The victim isn't behaving the way he or she should according to us.

This person is not even taking our advice which we offered so readily.

This person is not letting us fix that feeling.

Something doesn't work right or feel right,

So we we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.

Sometimes people don't notice or choose to notice our peep mood.

Sometimes we do our best to hide it.

Sometimes we let loose with the full force of our fury.

We particularly do this with family members.

Something about family tends to bring out the real us.

Whether we show hide or particularly hide our agitation and resentment,

We know what's going on.

Most of the time,

The people we rescue immediately sense our shift in mood.

They saw it coming.

It's just the excuse they needed to turn on us now.

It's their turn in the persecution corner.

This may precede,

Happen at the same time as,

Or follow our feelings of anger.

Sometimes the victims also respond to our anger.

Usually it is a response to our taking responsibility for that person which directly or indirectly tells him or her how incapable we believe he or she is.

People resent being told or shown they are incompetent no matter how loudly they plead incompetency.

That's important to remember.

And they resent us for adding insult to injury by becoming angry with them after we point out their incompetency.

Then it's time for our final move.

We head right for our favorite spot,

The victim corner on the bottom.

This is the predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue.

Feelings of helplessness,

Hurt,

Sorrow,

Shame,

And self-pity abound.

We have been used again.

We have gone unappreciated.

We try so hard to help people,

To be good to them.

We moan,

Why?

Why does this always happen to me?

Another person has trampled on us,

Socked it to us.

We wonder,

Shall we forever be victims?

Probably if we don't stop rescuing and caretaking.

Now this is important and I love that Melody Beatty offers this because she says many codependents,

And this is what you have to hear also,

And this is why I don't appreciate those who shame codependents.

This is not about shaming.

This is about growing up.

This is about stop being immature in your relationships.

This is about owning who you are.

This is about telling your truth.

This is about coming up and out of the subconscious mind.

This is about stop playing the codependent game.

Many codependents at some time in their lives were true victims.

I'll say that again.

Many codependents at some time in their life were true victims of someone's abuse,

Neglect,

Alcoholism,

Abandonment,

Or any number of situations that can in fact victimize people.

We were at some time truly helpless to protect ourselves or to solve our problems.

Something came our way.

Something we didn't ask for and it hurt us terribly.

This is sad.

It's truly sad,

But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims.

Our painful history then repeats itself.

As caretakers,

We allow people to victimize us and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people.

Rescuing or caretaking,

Dear one,

Is not an act of love.

The drama triangle is a hate triangle.

It fosters and maintains self-hate and it hinders our feelings for other people.

The triangle and shifting roles of rescuer,

Persecutor,

And victim are a visible process we go through.

The roles,

The roles,

The role changes and the emotional changes come over us as certainly and as intensely as if we were reading a script.

You know this if you're codependent.

This happens over and over and over again and you're stuck,

But that's not your fault.

We can complete the process in seconds,

Experiencing only mild emotions as we shift,

Or we can take years to complete the triangle and really work up to a major explosion.

We can,

And many of us do,

Rescue 20 times in one day.

Well,

If you are not touched by that,

If this does not resonate with you,

Then maybe you're not codependent.

If you are codependent and you're squirming and you're uncomfortable with some of the things she said,

Don't move away from that.

You want to look at that.

The fact that something makes you uncomfortable means that there's something that you have to look at.

Now,

I have always tried to,

In my work,

Explain to people that if you are codependent,

It's absolutely not your fault.

It is an immature way of relating to yourself and relating to other people.

When I say immature,

I mean childlike.

You are trying to take care of people who you should not be taken care of.

If you think about adult children of alcoholics,

We are children who grew up in homes where we felt like it was our responsibility to take care of mommy's feelings,

To take care of daddy's feelings,

To take care of our siblings.

We had to give up our right to feel safe in order to maintain some type of sense of safety in the home,

Which oftentimes means you're not allowed to feel your feelings.

You're not allowed to ask.

You're not allowed to need,

And you're not allowed to want.

And so what do you learn to do?

You learn to rescue.

You learn to acquiesce,

Because in taking care of someone,

You feel safe.

You don't know how to be your true self and to say,

Hey,

Wait a minute,

That hurts,

Or you know what,

I don't think I want to participate in this.

Codependency is our attempt to feel connected to other people.

It's our attempt to feel good enough.

It's our attempt to feel like we're not broken.

However,

What we don't realize as codependents is oftentimes we attract people who are takers.

And then when we are in these relationships,

We're unaware,

We're unaware,

And we want this other person to wake up.

We want this other person to pat us on the back.

We want this other person to appreciate us.

Why?

So that we can feel connected to them.

It's maladaptive.

It doesn't work.

If you look at it as a computer operation,

It's not going to work.

It's broken.

It's spam.

It's an error.

If codependency was a computer program,

When you typed it in,

You would get an error page,

Does not compute.

As a codependent,

You want to feel seen.

You want to feel heard.

You want to feel loved.

You want to feel like this person has as much stake in the game as you do.

However,

If it was a computer game,

You would get an error message because that's not the way to feel seen.

And so I think it's really important that those of us who are on the healing path and we resonate with the work of being codependent or we're trying to heal from codependency,

And we find ourselves in situations where we feel used,

Which is definitely how I felt in my marriage.

Like,

When is this guy going to get it?

I love him.

I take care of him.

I try to take care of his family.

Why doesn't anybody care about me?

I didn't realize that I was rescuing.

I was caretaking.

I was doing things for other people that I really didn't want to do.

I was jumping in there and jumping in there made me feel good about myself.

It was like this internal ego boost.

Well,

I can't be bad if I'm helping.

I think certain religions that we're born into also perpetuate this idea.

I think culturally,

Lots of women are conditioned to believe it's their role to give to the family,

To give to other people.

And if they don't,

They're deemed selfish.

So I don't think it's a black and white issue.

And I do believe there are many facets of our cultures that contribute to this idea of rescuing other people,

And then being angry when other people don't respond to us the way we want to,

And then ultimately moving to the third corner of the triangle where we feel like victims.

I think we have to remember that we were victims,

Number one,

But I think we also have to recognize that this pattern is not going to change unless we're going to be able to change the way we want to unless we change.

So that means that we have to stop doing things that we don't want to do,

Which is scary because if I say no to you,

Then I'm possibly,

At least in my mind subconsciously,

I am now putting myself in the position where you could abandon me.

And that is my fear because I don't want you to abandon me.

I feel alone in this world.

I'm afraid to be alone in this world.

I feel like the world is cold.

The world is scary.

I never got the maternal warmth that I needed to believe that I was good enough.

I don't know that I have a self.

I don't know that the self is worthy.

I do these things and I act this way because I don't know how to do anything else.

And rather than be a narcissist and think that I'm entitled and then go about my life thinking I'm better than everyone else,

In my heart,

I don't feel good enough.

I don't feel like I deserve you.

And I know that there's something wrong.

I feel like there's something wrong and I'm willing to work on it.

Narcissist,

Not so much.

That's why you'll hear some people say that codependency is sort of like narcissism turned inside out.

Both whether you're a narcissist,

You're codependent,

You want something from the outside.

You need something from the outside.

You need this other person to reflect back to you,

Something,

To express that you don't This other person to reflect back to you something and that's why I think it's really important That if you're on the codependent side of this you do everything you can to work out the kinks in your own thinking Work it out to the point where you understand your part in it so that you can break through it I believe that codependency is a subconscious program and that's why it's so hard to heal from I Also think it's very difficult to heal from codependency because to do so I have to face all of my fears What are my fears that I'm not good enough that?

You're going to leave me if I reveal to you who I am if I say no you're going to leave me I've been programmed to think that I'm not good enough and that Perhaps maybe if I do for other people maybe that means I'm worthy and maybe then I'll finally receive that maternal Validation that I've always craved maybe then and now to be codependent.

I have to say no to you I have to tell you what I really think I have to stop pretending I like to do these things for you.

I have to begin to put myself first.

How do I do that?

It's so scary.

You don't have a computer program for it and Your role models may have never modeled that for you In fact,

They may have modeled codependency and narcissism for you self-care not so much In fact,

You may have some associations subconscious Associations to this idea that taking care of yourself is selfish,

Which is negative Which will also make taking care of yourself very difficult but the day my mom the day my life changed and I knew that I was codependent was when I read that page in codependent no more.

I saw myself in that triangle in the rescuing in the hoping to feel seen and I would be very upset when I thought someone was unhappy with me And then I would end up fawning and subjugating my needs for other people if I if you were angry at me Then I would feel so ashamed of myself that you were angry and I would do everything I could to try to make it up to you and It's a terrible way to live because all it does is not only perpetuate this triangle this drama triangle but it also perpetuates this idea that you are not good enough and that you need someone else outside of you to make sure that you are good enough and That is why codependence end up Oftentimes in relationships with people who are very problematic because they need to be rescued and this is the other thing Codependence end up rescuing people who say they don't want to be rescued But they really do and then when you offer them help,

They don't take your help And then when you say to them,

What am I here for?

What why am I paying your rent if you're not taking care of yourself?

You know you go back on the streets or you go gamble or you know,

You give your money to your girlfriend Why am I here helping you if you're not going to listen to me and then the person that you're helping gets really pissy with you Because you're calling them out on this and then they get really loud and then you feel like a victim It's such a common scenario and oftentimes we miss it and when we love people when we're codependent and we love people we have empathy It's not easy for us to set a boundary and see things clearly and that's why I think it's important that as we heal We look for things that are wrong If you do this,

It's wrong.

If you think this way,

It's wrong.

You're you as a person are valid It's your thinking that's a little messed up If you were tying your shoes the wrong way and you kept tripping I would say to you dear one try tying your shoes this way because when you do it this way Your shoelaces untie and you end up falling on your face.

So try it this way.

No shame.

No persecution No self-hate just see it begin to change it acknowledge it and your life will improve I when I saw this in myself it completely transformed me mentally and emotionally I was like,

I'm done.

I don't want to be this person.

That is awful.

I don't want to do this to people I don't want to teach my children how to do this.

I didn't know I was doing it It was what my mother did and so when I saw it in writing,

Thank you,

Melody Beatty Love you girl when I saw it in writing I was like shaking and I was so grateful for the awareness and then I made a commitment to myself right then and there I Will not teach this to my children.

I will teach them to say no I will teach them to tell their truth Even if their knees are shaking even if the entire world tells them you're wrong I want my children to believe in themselves if they step through that situation and and it's proven that they made a mistake I want them to be able to stand there and say I honored myself I learned something and I'm going to promise myself to do better.

This is my journey and I have to own it I so did not want to be that person that I Absolutely transformed my life Interestingly what happened one of the most significant ways that I changed was at the time Very sad story at the time my ex-husband sister was dying with cancer young girl 28 years old two young children and for a few months many months I Was taking part in her care and after a few few months of doing it I began to feel used and I believe I was being used.

I don't think these people really cared about me as a person in fact my sister-in-law didn't talk to me for many years before she was diagnosed with cancer and Suddenly because I believe that I had a nursing background I was called into the fold to help and I at the time thought this is great Maybe this will bring the family back together.

I was really hoping that this might be able to mend wounds.

I was wrong.

I Ended up taking care of this person and I'm not poor Lisa.

That's not what I'm saying What I'm saying is that I got pulled into a situation.

I thought it was going to help change things I thought it was going to help bring the family together and that's just not what happened and while I was learning about codependency I Began to recognize in the situation that I had said yes to it wasn't anyone else's fault.

I said yes I could have very easily said no I jumped in with both feet rescuing caretaking and all that and I went above and beyond I was cooking organic meals.

I was making sure that we were researching Cancer treatments.

I was doing things that I wasn't asked to do typical of The codependent person I was and I was doing laundry I was taking care of her kids homework doing homework with the kids I was way over the line and of course it worked out for everyone else,

But myself and I got to a point where I realized I don't want to do this anymore Now,

How do I tell someone who was so sick?

I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to come to your house and take your blood pressure.

I don't want to take care of your vitals I don't want to be responsible for logging your vitals I don't want to be responsible for giving you injections anymore Lovinox injections for a blood clot that she had.

I don't want to come here and do castor oil packs for you anymore I don't want to massage your feet.

I don't want to make sure that you're getting enough protein I don't want to make I don't want to do this anymore.

I can't I'm losing myself.

I've I'm exhausted How do I do this and?

At the time I was in therapy and my therapist said,

You know,

Who are you doing this for and I said well,

I thought I was doing it for her and he said are you sure you're not doing it for you and I thought about that very strongly and I realized that on the surface It looked like I was doing it for her But I was really doing it for me in the sense that the payoff for me was will you love me?

Because I never really felt like was a part of the family I thought here we go if I play nursemaid to this very vulnerable person Certainly,

They'll love me and I'll feel like I'm part of this community,

Which is something that I really really wanted and that's not What happened none of the other family dynamics ever changed and I had to own that I had to stop lying to her I had to stop lying to myself.

I had to lay the codependent cloak down and say no more I am NOT going to do things that I don't want to do I am NOT going to do things for people hoping that they love me that they include me that they are kind to me because I'm Afraid of abandonment.

No,

I'm going to risk them abandoning me It's okay if they abandon me because I am finding myself I have to tell the truth and so one day after much much contemplation I actually told her that I can't do this anymore and she took it really well took it really well I was very very surprised.

I struggled with guilt about it tremendous guilt I struggled with shame like feeling like am I a bad person because I told her the truth I went through all of that.

I was very nervous for a few days What are people going to think about me?

Am I going to lose this family forever and I had to work this all out in my head I worked it all out when in journaling and that's why I love learning about codependency Because I was able to figure out what the rules were.

I had to put myself first Even in this situation because I was not good for my own children.

I wasn't good for me I wasn't good for my ex-husband at the time everything in my life was falling apart while I was supporting and propping up the life of of this other person and it was so difficult to learn that lesson in that situation and so That is when my life really began to change that is when Everything that I was learning I had to put into action What is it if you listen to something and you don't put it to action?

It's just fluff Nothing changes and so I had to learn to love myself in a healthy way I had to grow up.

I had to take ownership of what I felt I had to stop asking people to love me and thinking that I needed to be this super person I needed to be this martyr if you will in order for people to love me I'm worthy whether I'm I'm sucking your toes Painting your toenails giving you castor oil packs or not.

I am worthy whether or not you think I am or not I am worthy whether people love me or hate me.

I'm worthy.

I'm a divine creature.

So are you I?

Don't think I'm better than anybody else and I don't think anybody's better than me I think I'm equal to everyone and I think that I'm just as broken and just as wounded and just as unconscious and Just as egotistical as at times and just as codependent and just as pathetic as anybody else at times I'm gonna run through all of these facets of what it means to be a human being I'm going to have all of these experiences,

But hopefully in all of these experiences My level of self-awareness is growing my ability to be more and more conscious and thus responsible For how I'm feeling how I'm thinking how I'm behaving Hopefully as I'm going through all these very human experiences,

I'm growing and I'm maturing I'm giving myself a break and I'm giving other people a break too and so I really hope that if you follow this work this makes sense to you and That you apply some of these understandings to your own life I promise you that if you do your life will change when you stop playing games You begin to love yourself and you liberate yourself.

You don't need people to love you You don't need people to validate you if people don't like you It's okay.

You love yourself and when you really really love yourself,

You know that you're imperfect you get it You've made mistakes.

You've been impacted by the past and so has everyone else You stop expecting other people to be what you want them to be and instead you love them in an health in a healthy way You love them just as they are you stop thinking that well if I do this,

Maybe that person will change I see this in my groups all the time Women men get into these relationships.

There are tremendous red flags,

But you know what a codependent says I'll change him I'll change her.

I'll take care of her.

I'll take care of her kids.

I'll take care of him I'll make him chicken soup.

Even those persons not good for my soul I'm gonna make him some chicken soup and when this person that you're dating ends up dating someone else Cheats on you the codependent person is devastated.

They feel used.

There's that drama circle again So it's really important that we own it if we're here to really heal and I hope that that is why you're here Namaste everybody until next time.

Please remember dear one that you are enough until next time right now

Reviews

Brilliant . This really hit a nerve. Thank you. 🙏

AWESOME!!! Thank you!!!

This is extremely helpful and it resonates with me on so many levels. Thank you 🙏🏿

Excellent. Very insightful. Thank you so much Lisa.

Incredible step by step breakdown of the triangle with examples. I loved analysing my own part in the triangle. One to listen to often. Thank you for sharing ✨

Awesome talk and very eye opening!! I love listening to Lisa’s talks!!!

Me and my sibs to a tee!
Thanks

Really interesting, opened my eyes and heart to lots of things 🙏

Thank you, Lisa. Thank you acupuncturist who guided me to Lisa. Thank you, Me, who guided me to the acupuncturist.
😊

Thank you so much for your help, Lisa. Your divine timing is legendary ❤️🕉 I have been on a journey for years now, trying to heal my codependency and I felt like I was stuck on the last chapter, wondering why I was/am still so miserable when I’ve done so much hard work. This talk helped me realize that I wasn’t done yet, that I still hadn’t realized that I was still attached to the victim mentality. That I was still waiting for the answer to come from the outside; I was waiting for PEOPLE to be better to ME. You helped me realize that I can’t change the way they feel about me, I can only change the way I feel about myself. I have permission to be kind to myself, and I don’t need to seek worthiness. I love you, Lisa! Thank you!

Thank you for your amazing talks that help us heal and grow in a healthy way 🙏💖💕

Always so insightful and validating to know I’m alone in this experience. Thank you Lisa 🤍

I am 65 and just beginning to understand things like codependent, triangulation, even victim mentality. Thanks for all your talks. I get something out of each and every one 🙏

Brilliant! I thought that codependency was pretty much a thing of the past for me. I was wrong. But I am enlightened and empowered now.