Relationship Breakup Fears That Keep You Stuck

Do you worry your soon-to-be ex, will suddenly morph into the perfect person once you end the relationship? Do you fret over the time you've spent in a relationship and do those fears prevent you from ending a bad relationship? If so, this episode has been made just for you. Listen in as Life Coach and Codependency Expert Lisa A. Romano, fills you in on the irrational fears that prevent you from manifesting a mature, authentic relationship.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about some common fears many of us have after a bad breakup.

Let's face it,

Breakups are really difficult and oftentimes we can find ourselves at the end of a relationship and even knowing that the relationship should come to an end but we're clinging or holding on and lots of times people write me even on YouTube or Instagram or send me emails asking you know why did I hang on for so long?

I saw the red flags but I couldn't bring myself to ending the relationship.

Sometimes it's the result of being codependent meaning that we fear abandonment,

We have an anxious attachment style,

We don't want to be alone,

And the idea of ending a relationship is absolutely frightening because we're other focused.

We gain our sense of self by how well we're able to take care of other people and it's totally below the veil of consciousness.

We don't know we're doing it.

Oftentimes we just see ourselves as good people,

We see ourselves as kind,

We are people who hear ourselves saying well I'm the peacekeeper.

We are the people who are the first person to jump up when someone needs something at the dinner table.

They haven't even asked for it and we're like jumping up anticipating the needs of this person who needs a butter knife to butter their bread.

They haven't even asked where's the butter knife but we know we can sense we can feel like they need a butter knife and so we jump to it.

So we're people who don't even realize that we're not operating from a healthy sense of self.

We're people who are not recognizing that our sense of self comes from taking care of other people and we're not recognizing that we are definitely in a place where we we are lost and we will continue to lose ourselves inside our relationship dynamics until we get a hold of where it is where we are getting our value from.

And if we stay on the co-dependency recovery path long enough we are afforded the opportunity to understand what we're doing wrong.

We understand why we're doing what we're doing wrong and if we're really fortunate we develop enough life skills around being able to correct the way we see ourselves.

In other words we learn to value the self.

We find value in our needs and we learn to meet our own needs.

So we're not reliant upon other people anymore for our sense of self.

We are not doormats anymore.

We don't tolerate people's abuse anymore.

We realize that boundaries are necessary.

Boundaries are good and they help us feel safe in a world,

In the world.

Now when we're co-dependent ending a relationship can be very difficult.

Even if we're not co-dependent ending relationships can be difficult.

Even if you're somebody who doesn't identify as someone who's co-dependent and it's just the end of a relationship or you're at a point where you realize this relationship could come to an end.

So what's stopping you?

Well there's a conflict.

Oftentimes we hear ourselves saying well I should end this relationship but there's something going on below the veil of consciousness that is making it difficult for me to end the relationship.

So I wanted to talk about some common fears many of us have regardless of whether we're co-dependent or not and regardless of whether or not we're in a relationship with someone who has high narcissistic traits or someone who is a high conflict personality.

Regardless,

Doesn't matter whether you're co-dependent,

Non-co-dependent or in a relationship with a narcissist or not.

Maybe you're just in a situation where you feel like you feel like this relationship should end but you're having a difficult time ending it.

So I wanted to talk about some of those fears that many of us have and I know that I've struggled with these fears personally as well when thinking about ending a relationship which is a really scary thing to do.

It's not easy to end a relationship because we have so many ideas associated with this relationship.

We are imagining a future with this person and we've invested time in this person and so letting that go is not easy sometimes even if it's a bad relationship.

So let's just talk about some of the fears that will prevent us from ending a relationship that may or may not be toxic.

It might be a relationship that we feel like we've outgrown.

It's just a relationship in which we feel we can no longer be our authentic self or it's a relationship that's preventing us from being our authentic self.

So the first fear is that we feel or fear that we're never going to find anyone else.

This is very common.

Have you ever heard any of your friends say to you when they're discussing the end of a relationship or the potential to end a relationship,

Well what if I don't find anybody else?

So this is a fear.

So if you're someone who is worrying about ever being in another relationship then this is creating a conflict.

It will basically throw your brain into neutral.

You won't be able to make a decision.

You certainly won't be able to find the flow of a healthier more satisfying relationship.

You certainly won't be able to manifest a relationship with someone who makes you feel or you feel is more in alignment with who you are if you are afraid to end a relationship because you're afraid you won't find anyone else.

In terms of energy what you're saying is there's a scarcity of potential partners out there and we have to be careful about what we are putting out there into the universe.

So if I believe that I can't leave this relationship which is very dissatisfying and may even be toxic because I'm afraid of being alone because I'm afraid that there are no other people out there what if I never find anyone then I might stay stuck in a very toxic relationship and rationalize why I'm doing so because there's a base fear or a limiting belief that I haven't excavated enough and I haven't thought about enough clearly that will allow me to eliminate that fear.

As long as you are in fear of never finding anyone again you are at risk of staying in a toxic and unfulfilling relationship.

So you want to be very very careful that you're looking at this fear very logically.

Does it make sense that you would never find another person ever?

I mean if you move to another continent does it make sense that you would never find another person?

Does it make sense that if you move to another town you'd never find another person?

It doesn't really even make sense that we that you would never find another person.

Of course you could find another person but when we're talking about fears and letting go of the bird in the hand the fear will be will manifest as a thought well what if I never find another person and I think that that fear or that belief of you're never going to find another person is really your fear of the unknown.

You're a lack of faith in yourself.

You're a lack of faith that you are enough.

You're a lack of faith in this idea that if you're out there then your mate is out there.

So you really want to make sure that you're looking at that fear clearly and you're not allowing it to keep you stuck.

The second fear is I've already invested so much time in this person what am I going to do just let that go.

I've invested two years or three years with this person.

I'm just supposed to break up with them even though I'm unhappy.

Look at all this time that I've invested.

It's like you're saying to the universe I can't let go and manifest something really amazing or manifest something that is more in alignment with who I am because I've already invested all this time with this person who I'm not even that happy with.

Again it's it comes off like a scarcity mindset.

It comes off like lack.

It's a lack of faith that what you want is really really out there.

So it's sort of like holding on to a bucket of rocks because you're afraid that you won't find the you won't find the gold at the end of the rainbow.

I just I'd rather hold on to the rocks but if you let go of the rocks you might find the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Now I've invested a lot of time collecting these rocks.

There's no there's no evidence out there that says that the gold at the end of the rainbow exists so I think I'll just hold on to a bucket of rocks.

I mean really it's a silly analogy but I'm just trying to drive home this idea that so many of us hold on to what we don't want because we don't have faith that what we do want exists and so I think it's really important that if you're someone who rationalizes and says oh well I've already invested all this time in this person am I just supposed to let it go?

I say if it's not bringing you joy,

If this relationship is depleting you,

If you are not happy,

If there's communication breakdown,

If couples therapy hasn't worked,

I mean if you're feeling really bogged down by this relationship and especially if this is someone who violates your boundaries,

If this is someone that you have very little in common with,

If this is someone whose values you don't align with,

You really want to reconsider spending the rest of your life in this relationship or making excuses for being in this relationship.

If your excuses,

I've already invested all of this time even though I'm not happy,

What am I supposed to do with all this time?

You see it's almost like you're saying like I can't let go of the bad that I've had because there's no evidence that I'm going to experience the good.

Breaking up with people is really about having the faith and the courage to believe that what you want does exist.

If you believe that you can't let go of a relationship and your main reason for doing it is because you've invested time,

It's you're wasting your time.

It's almost like dealing with someone who is a gambler.

So they go to Vegas and they're telling themselves I'm going to win a lot of money and they keep losing money,

Losing money,

Losing money,

Losing money and they can't get away from that table.

They're so afraid of letting go of what they've lost that they keep losing,

They keep losing and they keep losing.

And I don't know about you but I know people who have lost their houses,

They have lost relationships due to gambling.

So it's sort of like the same thing.

I'm afraid to let go of what I've invested and I have such a negative experience of that.

Like in other words like I have so many negative beliefs around letting go of what is negative that I have a lack of faith that I can create anything positive.

And so it's really important that if you're holding on to a relationship because you've already invested time,

Well how much time are you willing to lose when it comes to manifesting something that might be amazing?

So you really want to look at that.

Another common fear that I hear is I especially with women,

I've heard many women say to me,

I've given him the best of me and I've tried to basically change him and I've wanted him to go hiking with me.

I've wanted him to eat better.

I wanted him to exercise and I just know it.

The minute we break up he's going to do all the things that I wanted him to do with me and he's going to take all of these ideas and all of these hobbies and all of these extracurricular events and I just know it.

He's going to offer it to another girl.

So why don't I just hang in there?

I'm going to hang in there and why don't I just see if I can change him some more?

I've already given him five years of my life.

What's another five,

Right?

So sometimes,

And I hear it more often with women than not,

Sometimes women think that well if I let go of the relationship he's going to become the person I've always wanted him to be with someone else.

And I think that's a really short way of looking at things and it would be so amazing if anyone who had this mindset just really stopped to think about what they were saying.

You're saying that you're in a relationship that was very unpleasant.

It was very unfulfilling and in this type of a scenario you couldn't get your partner to get on the same page with you.

So you've invested lots of time and you're at a point now you just feel empty like I have no more left to give which is a very valid feeling.

I mean there's a whole bunch of meat on the bone when we talk about this situation because there was a lack of boundaries perhaps.

Maybe you weren't listening to yourself.

Maybe there were red flags that you ignored.

Maybe you just believed oh I'll give it a little bit more time.

I'll change him.

I'll work on him.

And then when he doesn't change,

When he remains the person that he was when you met him,

You can feel wounded.

But it's oftentimes because we've ignored the red flags and we haven't listened to ourselves and we haven't honored ourselves.

So now we're angry and we're depleted that this person that we've manifested hasn't morphed into the person that we've wanted him to become.

I'm not referring to narcissistic relationships where we have a narcissist who idealizes you in the relationship and who may take on your characteristics in the in the beginning and through the idealization phase and who is future faking,

Who's making all these promises and is really unable to commit to you and in an authentic way.

And now you're left feeling like you were totally hoodwinked by this person.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Many times we get into relationships with people.

There are red flags.

We ignore them and we think we'll be able to change the person and we can't.

And then we can end up feeling defeated and as if this person has done us wrong.

When I think of fair analysis is what have I ignored?

What red flags have I just pretended didn't exist?

And if we have a fear of leaving a relationship because we don't think we're going to find another relationship,

We can definitely fall prey to this mindset of well I might as well just hang in there and keep trying to change him.

Keep trying to get this person to be what I want them to be and it's very dysfunctional.

But let's say you are someone now who is at this point where you are totally exasperated and now the fear is coming up in you like sure now he's going to become the person I've always wanted him to be.

Chances are dear one that's not going to happen.

That's your fantasy.

Your fantasy is he will one day become what you want him to be.

So it's the fantasy that you're projecting into the future.

You're assuming that this person is going to become the man that you've always wanted him to become.

I went through this myself after 12 years of marriage when I was considering my divorce.

One of the fears that came up in me is what if he finally becomes this person that I've always wanted him to be and it hurt my heart.

But I realized eventually after doing tons and tons of work that that wasn't very realistic.

That the person I married was the person I married and I wanted him to change and I had no right to change him.

But I wanted to change this person.

I wanted a certain level of intimacy.

I wanted a certain level of communication.

I wanted a certain level of connection.

I wanted to feel seen and this was just not possible in the relationship that I was in.

And my job if I wasn't so codependent,

If I wasn't so immature,

If I understood relationship dynamics better then I would have much earlier recognized the warning signs,

The red flags.

I would have honored myself.

I would have set a boundary and I would have ended the relationship without so much drama.

I would have said listen,

You know you have a right to be you and I have a right to be me but this really isn't working out for me.

But instead I went through a relationship.

I manifested or created three babies,

Three innocent children and the marriage ended up coming to an end very tragically.

And that's unfortunate.

It doesn't have to be this way.

If you're struggling with these types of ideas,

Like I've given this person so much of me and now they're going to be in a relationship and become the person I always wanted them to be,

I caution you.

I don't think it's so far-fetched that so many of us feel this.

I think a lot of us do feel this,

Men and women,

When we're ending a relationship.

But I think it's important to recognize that people are generally people.

It's very unlikely that the person that you've spent a number of years with is going to morph into the person that you've always wanted them to be with another person.

Chances are this person,

Even in the beginning,

Might try to swoon the other person and convince the other person that they are a much more compatible person to the new partner than they actually are.

In time your ex or whoever it is is going to be who they are.

And that's really none of your business.

Tough love there dear one.

Like it's really none of your business.

Your focus has to be on you.

Your focus has to be on what do you want.

In fact,

If you're really,

Really on the healing path and you're really advancing,

You bless your ex.

You say,

Listen,

I wish you well,

But this shoe just doesn't fit anymore.

I wish you no harm.

I want to focus on myself.

I want to get clearer about what I need.

And I really hope that you're happy one day.

That's the mature way of looking at it.

And that's the mature way of letting go of our relationship.

Another fear that we have is what are people going to think?

In our society,

Lots of times I see it with my children who are single.

They're in their mid-30s and they're single.

And I feel it.

One of the things that even my friends ask is,

So is so-and-so seeing anybody?

So is so-and-so serious with anybody?

So is so-and-so thinking about starting a family?

So even in our society,

It's presumed that people should be with a partner and it should be a committed relationship.

And it's almost like there's something wrong if you're single.

And I think that we can pick up on those fears.

If our parents expect us to be single,

If our friends expect us to be single,

And we are contemplating ending a toxic relationship,

Or we're just ending a relationship that just it just doesn't fit anymore,

And that by the way is your right to do that,

Then we might have a fear pop up that has us wondering about what other people are going to think about us being single or ending a relationship.

Especially if the people that we love like this person.

You know,

Sometimes you might want to end a relationship with someone that other people like.

And you have to honor yourself.

I mean,

I'm not talking about someone who lacks responsibility when it comes to relationships and they lie to people to get them inside relationships and they just hop from relationship relationship to the next from one relationship to the next without much care and consideration,

Almost like exploiting the people that they're attracting into their lives.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about being in a relationship with someone that your friends,

Your family like and they enjoy,

But you for whatever reason,

And there could be so many of them,

You don't feel like your values align,

Or you feel like this person is wants to move around too much and you're more of a home body or vice versa.

It's just in terms of long term compatibility,

It just you feel in your gut,

It's not going to make sense.

And you're someone who is considerate.

You know that how you feel and the way that you think is going to affect this other person.

And if this person has warm feelings for you,

And they want the relationship to bloom,

They want it to move forward,

Then you're considerate of how they feel.

But at the end of the day,

You're going to honor yourself.

You're going to be authentic and you're going to be considerate about how this person takes the breakup.

That's basically what I'm talking about.

We can become so overwhelmed by what other people think,

Including what our partners think,

That we lose the ability to honor the self and end the relationship.

And throughout our lifetimes,

We're going to experience many different relationships.

Some people will come,

Some people will go.

And with every relationship,

We're going to learn something about not only the other person,

But about ourselves.

Even in the worst relationships,

We are learning the most sometimes.

And so we want to be open to the idea that relationships will sometimes be a part of our lives for a season,

And they might end.

And we have to be okay with this idea.

We want to learn to be okay with ourselves.

We want to learn to be okay,

Whether we're in a relationship or whether we're out of a relationship.

We don't want to learn to depend so much on a relationship status that we don't feel good about ourselves.

If we think we need to be in a relationship,

We can become people who cling.

We can become people who are controlling.

We can become people who ignore red flags.

We can lie to ourselves all because we have these fears around ending a relationship.

I think it's so much better to be in a relationship that we want to be in,

Rather than being in a relationship because we feel like we need to be in a relationship.

The want is abundant.

Feeling like I want to be in a relationship with you is so much healthier than feeling like I need to be in a relationship with you.

It's akin to putting on a pair of shoes that don't fit and being afraid to take them off.

Feeling like,

No,

I'm never going to find another pair of shoes in my life,

So I have to wear these shoes.

And the shoes are destroying your feet.

They're throwing your arch off.

They're throwing your walking off.

They're damaging your ankle.

They're damaging your knees.

They're damaging your hips,

Damaging your spine,

And damaging your neck.

You're so afraid to take off these shoes,

Even though they're painful,

Simply because you're afraid you'll never find another pair of shoes again.

And if you think about relationships that way,

It might be easier for you to recognize that just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that relationship has to work.

How many times have you been in a relationship where do you know people who once they get a hold of a relationship because they have all of these fears,

The biological clock is ticking,

I'm never going to find anyone,

I hate to date,

Online dating sucks,

I'm afraid of whom I'm going to meet,

I have to force this square into a hole,

I'm afraid to let go.

It's totally scarcity mindset,

But we don't realize it and we hang in there.

We hang in there because of these subconscious beliefs and sometimes conscious beliefs.

So really make sure that you're investing and you're putting time into investigating what limiting beliefs may be preventing you from moving forward after a breakup and what limiting beliefs might be keeping you stuck in the wrong relationship.

I hope this has been helpful.

Namaste everybody.

Until next time,

As I bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Yes, omgshhh... super helpful. Thank you. 🙏🏻

I will have to listen to this multiple times. There was so much truth, so much to contemplate and think through. Great advice!

Lisa - I love this session. Great advice that I need right now

So helpful. Let me just go have a cry though cos it's still hard!!!

Just so on point. Very powerful and supported realisations that will be difficult to support into reality but I have clarity now that I didn't have before. Thank you.

Amazing. Thank you

Loved the analysis. It was really helpful!

Thanks so much. All I needed to hear

All very true. Thank you for making it this clear. ♥️

Very good

This was awesome! Really hit home as I’m in the middle of a 30+year marriage ending! ❤️💔

Great topic. Thanks

So we'll said!
You were talking directly to me about me. At least I am now in a space that I can understand this message and accept my childhood programming (attachment style) that lead me here. For anyone seeing themselves in this scenario you can learn about subconscious reprogramming of the different attachment styles. One path I found was the PDS (Personal Development School).
I look forward to finding more podcasts from this teacher because her podcast was able to take such a complex emotional subject and make you feel you can see things in a more healthy, healing way and giving you a feeling of hope (and relief) to know you deserve better. 🦋

Bucket of rocks. Nothing silly about that analogy! So much useful content in this track to help move away from fears and unproductive thinking.

Thanks for the perspective