Rejecting A Narcissist: Part One

If you have ever broken up with or ended a toxic controlling relationship with a narcissist, you know firsthand how crazymaking and nonsensical communication can be. Understanding the mindset of a narcissist can help you prepare for how NOT to take the bait when they seek to exploit your emotions and sense of reality. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano discusses what you can expect when you end a relationship with a narcissist. This is part one of this episode.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today,

We're going to be talking about what happens when you reject a narcissist because you have finally figured out who they really are.

So a narcissist is someone who is self-absorbed,

Who feels entitled to exploit the emotions of other people.

A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy.

They don't have a natural emotional reaction to other people's pain,

To other people's concerns.

So they lack compassion for others because they generally feel superior to others.

They have a grandiose sense of self.

To a narcissist,

They really are more important,

More deserving,

More intelligent,

And more worthy of praise and validation and recognition than anyone else.

They may not be overt about this,

But in time,

If you spend enough time with a narcissist,

You will notice patterns of put-downs when speaking about other people.

You will notice envy.

You will notice a severe sense of competition.

You will notice that they are passive-aggressive.

You will notice that they absolutely want you to see them as the expert,

As the know-all,

As the know-it-all of everything there is to know about just about anything.

And if a narcissist ever feels slighted by you,

Then you become a threat.

If a narcissist has labeled you as a source of narcissistic supply and has lured you in through love-bombing and has hooked you in really good and perhaps has trauma-bonded you,

Which essentially means that through the course of your relationship,

Through the course of the ups and downs of the relationship,

The narcissist has convinced you that everything and anything goes wrong in the relationship,

Anything that goes wrong in the relationship is absolutely your fault.

They will twist.

They will blame shift.

They cannot take accountability or responsibility.

And one of the things that I think is really that makes this so difficult is this idea that narcissists are so convinced that they are right.

You know,

When you're talking to someone and they're convinced that they saw someone that you know at the movie theater,

But you heard that this person was on vacation in the Bahamas somewhere,

But you're talking to someone who is absolutely convinced that they saw Mary at the movie theater and you know that Mary told you that she was in the Bahamas.

And so you're rightfully confused because the person that is convinced that they're right is so convinced that they're right.

So it makes someone who is normal and healthy question themselves like,

Maybe I got it wrong.

You're like,

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe Mary lied to me.

Maybe Mary really wasn't in the Bahamas.

And so they're very convinced that they're right.

They're also convinced that they have a right to treat you the way they want to treat you.

So they lack a sense of introspection.

There's no desire on behalf of the narcissist to know thyself,

To know thy true self.

Narcissists live through the false self and they want to believe in this projected false self,

The false self that protects them from vulnerabilities.

The false self that causes arguments with you,

Pretends that there is a triangle going on that really isn't going on.

Have you ever dated a narcissist,

Whether it's a male or a female,

And they've tried to insinuate that someone else wants them and now you're angry at your friend because the narcissist is telling you that your friend is hitting on them and that's never happened.

And now you're angry at your friend and your friend is like completely bewildered.

Like what's up?

I don't even know what's going on here.

It happens.

When I was young,

One of my first boyfriends hit on one of my best friends and you know what I did?

I didn't believe her.

That taught me a very big lesson because she wasn't the only one.

My first boyfriend hit on,

Taught me a very,

Very big lesson.

So when you're dealing with a narcissist,

It's also important to recognize that narcissism is not a diagnosis.

Narcissism is basically a personality trait.

And if you're a human being,

You have a bunch of personality traits.

Not all of them are going to be pleasant.

There is no one out there that has the perfect personality.

It's just not possible.

We all have an ego.

We all have natural ego defense mechanisms.

We can all be unkind.

We can all lack empathy at certain points in time.

We can all be short.

We can all be self-absorbed and we can be abusive.

It's just a fact.

We're human beings.

What we're trying to figure out is not only who other people are,

Like who are these people that we're dating?

Who are these people that we call family,

That we call friends,

That we invite to our homes,

That we invite into our beds,

That invite into our kitchens?

Who are these people?

But we also want to recognize traits in ourselves that need scrutiny.

What we need to be doing is evolving and growing and becoming the best versions of ourselves.

So we recognize that we are ongoing in our recovery process and that becoming the best version of ourselves,

Gaining wisdom over time,

Becoming less reactive,

Less ego bound,

Less ego defensive,

Less reactive.

As we age,

Hopefully that is what's happening.

Sometimes that doesn't happen.

It's not unlikely for someone who is married to someone who is chastising them,

Who is cruel,

Who is vile,

Who is passive aggressive,

Who is condescending and minimizing,

Aloof and couldn't care less about the person he or she is living with,

Not really.

It's not unheard of for the victim of narcissistic abuse to eventually bite back as a way to survive.

Not unlike a puppy that you bring home that unfortunately ends up being abused by other dogs and one day that puppy begins to bite back.

Is that a bad dog?

Absolutely not.

It is a dog that has been forced to defend itself.

What we're looking to do as human beings is to recognize traits in ourselves so that we can overcome them.

And if you are a healthy person,

You are willing to be introspective.

You are willing to say,

What about my personality needs to shift,

Needs to change and what's preventing that change.

If you are dealing with a narcissist,

You will not hear that language.

Or if you do,

It will be only to love bomb you and to gain empathy and to gain sympathy and to avoid responsibility.

The key is objectivity.

The key is perspective.

And in order for you to have perspective,

You need space.

So that means you must be able to detach.

You must be able to observe and you must be able to begin recognizing patterns of behavior in other people and in yourself.

And if you can do this,

You can heal from this type of narcissistic abuse.

Absolutely.

What you will notice in someone who is more narcissistic is a sense of entitlement.

You owe them.

In some cases,

They actually behave as if you are property and that you don't have a right to free thinking.

They can become highly abusive,

Even physically abusive if you're dealing with a malignant Someone who,

When you dare to confront them or challenge them,

Will resort to physical violence to maintain dominance and control over you.

This is never a good sign,

Dear one,

When someone resorts to being physical because you set a boundary.

Okay?

Very important.

And lots of us who are in the throes of a narcissistic relationship,

A codependent narcissistic relationship,

If you are the codependent in the relationship,

You don't know which way is up.

You are just trying to get from point A to point B.

You're just trying to survive the moment.

Your nose is barely above the waterline.

And if you come from a dysfunctional family,

You don't have the tools you need to gain perspective.

And it's important that you hear this.

That is not your fault.

If it is difficult for you to disengage,

If you tend to go down the toilet bowl,

Flush and all,

When a narcissist gets angry,

When they start throwing their weight around,

You must know this is not your fault.

Even if you were not codependent and you were love bombed by a narcissist,

Over time,

The way that they think,

Their entitlement,

The way they persecute their victims,

The way they blame their victims,

The way they accuse their victims of things that they are not guilty of.

And in fact,

What they are guilty of,

The way they get you to doubt your reality can twist your mind.

And so day to day,

You're walking around on eggshells.

You jump at the slightest noise.

It is everything that you can do to just get through a day.

Add a mortgage,

A couple of kids,

Maybe you're trying to go back to school,

Throw COVID in there.

I mean,

You've got a recipe for chaos.

It's important that you know this is not your fault.

And so I wanted to create a session around what happens when you decide enough is enough and you decide to reject a narcissist and essentially help you understand what might happen when you have finally figured out who and what the narcissist is.

There are things that you have to mentally and emotionally,

Financially,

Physically and cognitively,

Spiritually,

Vibrationally prepare yourself for.

It's no different than why we study our enemies before we go to war.

We want to know what to expect.

If you go into this type of an experience,

Not knowing what to expect,

It's so much easier for you to get knocked off balance.

I'm speaking from experience.

I did not know these things when I was going through my divorce.

I had no idea what to expect next.

I kept thinking that if I was kind,

If I was considerate,

If I was fair,

Then he would be fair in return.

That is not the case.

That is a complete kindergarten fantasy.

I was raised to believe that you should treat people the way you want to be treated.

I still believe that,

But I always sort of naively presumed that it was a no brainer.

But if I treated someone with respect,

And if I treated someone with dignity,

If I treated someone fairly,

Then that person would do the same in return.

When you are dealing with a healthy person,

That is the case.

But when you are dealing with someone who has a personality disorder,

Someone who cannot emotionally regulate themselves,

And in fact relies on you as a source of narcissistic supply to regulate their emotions,

This is not the case.

When you reject the narcissist,

You are basically saying to Dracula,

The blood bank is closed,

Dracula.

Bye,

Dracula.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

No more blood for you.

So a narcissist is like Dracula.

Dracula needs to be invited into your home.

Dracula needs your blood.

To Dracula,

You are just a source of supply.

And say no to Dracula,

And Dracula is angry.

Say no to a narcissist,

Meaning you pulled the plug at being their source of narcissistic supply,

And they are not happy.

And there are things that you should be aware of in case you decide to end a relationship with someone who you think may be narcissistic.

So we understand that narcissists rely on you for a source of narcissistic supply.

But you also need to understand some fundamental things.

Narcissists fear vulnerability,

And that's why they have to appear better than you.

That's why they have to develop a false self.

The false self protects them from feelings of vulnerability.

It prevents real intimacy from happening.

Even though the narcissist needs you very much,

And in my humble opinion,

A narcissist is highly codependent because a narcissist cannot survive without sources of narcissistic supply.

They need to have people mirror back to them a sense that they are awesome.

And unfortunately,

They don't only want praise.

Sometimes the narcissist will settle for,

In lots of cases,

They'll settle for your fear.

They want to feel dominant over you.

And so even if you're not praising them,

That's okay as long as you're afraid to leave them,

As long as you jump when they tell you to jump,

As long as you walk around on eggshells,

And as long as you tolerate their dominance and their control over you,

The narcissist remains content and can be emotionally regulated.

This is what they need to maintain emotional regulation.

So imagine what happens inside this giant two-year-old when you pull the pacifier out of his or her mouth and you say,

No.

You're in the middle of a toy store.

The narcissist thinks that every single toy on the shelf is for him or for her.

Feels entitled.

This store is for me.

These toys are for me.

These are all my toys.

The narcissist only sees the toys,

Only sees himself or herself and believes that the toys are all for them.

And then mommy comes along and says,

No.

Pulls the pacifier out of the two-year-old's mouth.

And what happens?

This two-year-old becomes enraged.

This two-year-old throws a fit.

If this two-year-old is talking,

Not very nice things come out of this two-year-old's mouth,

Which is not unlike what happens when you pull the plug on a narcissist.

So rejecting a narcissist is making a narcissist's worst nightmare come true.

Because in most cases,

Although recent research has suggested that not all narcissists are created equal,

Meaning that there are narcissists who have high self-esteem.

They think they are really awesome.

They really do believe that they've been put on this earth to make a lot of money.

And they're entitled to make a lot of money.

And if they have to step on the heads of other people to do it,

So be it.

It's the cost of capitalism.

In other words,

There's a lack of social responsibility.

There's a lack of empathy for other people.

It's just me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me,

Me.

Some narcissists are created through overpraise by parents.

They're overindulged by their parents.

Their parents are entitled people and they teach their children.

They program and condition their children to feel entitled,

To feel better than other people.

And so again,

There's this lack of empathy.

This is idea that it's totally fine to exploit other people,

Especially people that a narcissist deems is less than.

And so recent research has suggested that that can be the case.

Past research,

However,

Has heavily relied on the idea or the concept that most narcissists suffer from narcissistic injuries.

Most narcissists come from very painful,

Abusive backgrounds as children.

And many of them struggle with incredible shame and abandonment trauma.

When you reject a narcissist,

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But a narcissist won't see that they're part of the dynamic because they don't understand cause and effect.

They're too.

What they think is they're in pain.

You are the reason they are in pain,

Therefore it's all your fault they are in pain.

Therefore they have a right to be vindictive.

They have a right to abuse you.

And sadly,

This really is the way they view things.

And this is what makes them so dangerous because they're able to rationalize and justify being vile,

Being vindictive and being cruel.

And so it's important that we understand that rejection is definitely going to trigger narcissistic injury and you will be seen as a threat.

The narcissist has lived their life trying to avoid feeling vulnerable and all of a sudden now here it is,

They're feeling vulnerable.

Narcissists have done an amazing job at finding a way to be in relationships without actually relating.

Their passive aggressiveness,

Their condescending comments,

The way they project and gaslight their victims has all worked to avoid a narcissist from feeling too vulnerable.

The narcissist has worked very diligently through love bombing to make sure that you attach to them,

But they will never attach to you.

But that doesn't mean that you're ever supposed to leave them,

That you're ever supposed to figure them out,

That you were ever supposed to discard them,

That you were ever supposed to see such little value in them.

The narcissist does not believe that you have a right to treat them the way that they've treated you.

So it's important to understand that when you reject a narcissist,

You understand that the narcissist has lived his or her life avoiding being rejected by you.

It always boggled my mind when my ex said things like,

Well,

I thought if I crippled you,

You'd come back and said it with a straight face.

And I would just shake my head like,

What?

In his head,

He thought that it was totally viable and rational to cripple me mentally,

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

Financially,

Physically.

He thought it was rational and logical and that he had a right to cripple me so that I wouldn't leave him.

I understand now that is because he feared being alone and he feared being rejected so deeply,

But he lacked the maturity,

He lacked the life skills,

And he lacked the ability to look within and see it rationally and to feel vulnerable and to accept the cause and effect nature of our relationship.

You know,

Flowers don't grow without sun and water and enough fertilizer in the soil,

Nor do relationships.

Relationships that are brutal,

Relationships that are unkind,

Relationships that are cruel don't grow.

It doesn't mean they won't be that little Charlie Brown tree in the forest forever.

It will breathe.

The relationship might breathe,

But it won't thrive.

So it's important to realize that thriving is not important to someone who is highly narcissistic.

Being in a relationship with someone who secures them or they are able to secure a source of narcissistic supply from is really all that matters.

Through passive aggressiveness,

Through triangulation,

Through belittling you,

Devaluing you,

A narcissist has found ways to be in a relationship with you while he or she keeps you at arm's length.

This is how they avoid intimacy.

This is how they avoid feeling vulnerable.

You never really know what's going on below the surface of a narcissist because they have all of these ego defense mechanisms that have been manufactured to keep you at an arm's length.

When you decide enough is enough,

What happens inside a narcissist or what it feels like,

It feels like you have poured vinegar on their deepest wounds.

They don't react very well.

They act defensive through defensiveness.

They want to hurt you because they have been hurt and they believe that you are the reason they are in pain.

There's no real recognition of this idea that there's a narcissistic injury and that the rejection,

Which is essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy,

Repetition,

Compulsion,

They reject themselves.

They've been rejected as children and now they act in such ways that in time their partners eventually reject them or they should.

They have no ability to understand the cause and effect nature of relationships.

In their mind,

You're standing in front of them.

You are not the person that caused this original wound.

You are the person that,

You are the person that has wounded them.

There's no recognition of a prior wound.

In other words,

It's sort of like being shot in the leg and having it heal over slightly but not completely and then ramming your leg into the coffee table and you thinking that all of the pain that is there is because you rammed your leg into the coffee table.

Not so.

There was an original wound there that never healed over and you just ramming your leg into the coffee table,

All that did was re-insult the original wound.

All it did was exasperate the pain that was already there.

When it comes to the narcissist's self-image,

It's important that we recognize that the self-image,

The false self of the narcissist has sort of been truly like a mask.

That the narcissist has believed would have kept him or her safe from rejection.

So it's sort of like when you watch this show,

Catfish on MTV,

I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about.

The person behind the computer has devised a mask,

A false self,

And they lure victims in,

Unsuspecting victims through love bombing,

Lots of validation,

Lots of praise,

Lots of silver tongue talk,

And they actually activate the narcissism in the unsuspecting victim.

Now when I say activate the narcissism,

I don't mean that they're narcissists.

Narcissism is a normal personality trait.

It's just how far up the spectrum are you?

And if it becomes pathological,

There's a problem.

But all of us should have some level of healthy narcissism.

When you're someone who doesn't have a healthy sense of self and suddenly someone's paying attention to you,

Your narcissism,

Your sense of self can become activated.

It can become addictive to feel seen.

And so for instance,

A catfish on or behind a computer that is luring an unsuspecting victim in is using a false profile,

Which becomes like the false self.

The person doing the catfishing is relying,

Their sense of self,

Their self-esteem is reliant upon this false self,

This false profile.

So whatever good feelings they have are really the result of this false profile or this false self.

Rip that away.

If you've seen the show,

And if you haven't,

I recommend you check it out,

But rip this mask away.

Rip the profile away.

Rip the phony pictures away.

And oftentimes you see someone who is highly insecure,

Who's struggling with abandonment trauma and tremendous shame.

So when you reject the narcissist,

They are flabbergasted because the mask didn't work.

It was supposed to work.

When you reject a narcissist,

Essentially they panic.

Everything that they've relied on,

The love bombing,

The trauma bonding,

The triangulation,

The projection,

The dismissiveness,

Everything that they've relied on,

Their false self,

Their lies comes crashing down.

And so a narcissist will often panic.

In their minds,

You have now proven that their worst fears were correct.

Remember,

A narcissist is generally distrustful.

They're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They don't trust anyone.

And so when you reject a narcissist,

What they end up feeling is that they were right.

You were unreliable.

You weren't trustworthy.

You were just like everyone else that would eventually fail them.

And so this fuels their vindictiveness.

This fuels the vile words that come out of their mouth.

This fuels the cruel things that they say to you.

This fuels how they feel like they have the right to dehumanize you.

They will treat you with such disrespect and not spend three minutes thinking about what they have just said in that text message,

What names they have called you,

And how they have totally stomped on everything that you've ever done for them,

Any experience that you've ever had with them that was ever pleasant.

It is all gone.

It is washed down the drain.

It's as if it never happened.

You have proven to be someone who can tell the narcissist no.

You have been proven to be an authority figure.

You have been proven to be someone that will not tolerate the narcissist's abuse.

And for that,

You will be punished.

In their head,

You had no right to say no.

In their head,

You were supposed to follow the rules,

Their rules.

You were supposed to acquiesce.

You were supposed to take responsibility.

You were supposed to tolerate the abuse.

You were supposed to understand they were in control over you.

You were supposed to subjugate yourself.

You were supposed to idolize them.

You were supposed to be afraid of them.

You were supposed to assume whatever labels they threw your way.

Whatever concept they had of you that they used to rationalize their superiority over you and your weakness,

You were supposed to swallow it.

You were not supposed to regurgitate it.

You were not supposed to rebuke it.

You were not supposed to reject it.

You were supposed to accept it.

You not accepting how and what they feel and think about you is you rejecting them,

Their false self,

Their control over you.

Essentially,

It's you rejecting them.

Another issue that you're going to struggle with when you reject a narcissist and you have finally figured out who they are,

You will maybe not realize it right away,

But if you spend enough time analyzing the words that come out of their mouth,

The insults that fly out of their mouth,

Their behavior,

Their vindictiveness,

The stories that come out of their mouth,

The way they rewrite history.

If you listen to their perceptions objectively,

Not through the emotional mind,

Through your logical and rational mind,

If you take what they say and run it through the fact checker,

You will discover that they are often delusional.

They have absolutely written a story or rewritten the story to make the pieces fit.

You have hurt them.

You are the reason that they are in pain.

They don't understand cause and effect.

They are not responsible for their actions.

They don't understand that the way that they behaved is the reason you said no more.

Reviews

Yes I’m getting it. 🙏🏽

Extremely helpful in dealing with a sibling.

Brilliant Lisa, thanks.

Thank you 🙏