Never Chase Love & Affection In Relationships

When we chase love, we are pushing it away. When we chase after affection, it can seem abrasive and even aggressive. Even though we might be aching for love, the last thing we want to do is push the right people away with the wrong energy.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about the need,

The absolute need to love yourself when entering into relationships and why love seems to escape us and why when we chase love,

Love is often fleeting.

We actually experience rejection,

Which seems kind of opposite of what we are after.

Obviously,

If we're chasing love,

We want love.

Then why when we chase love,

Why when we approach love in position number two,

Do we experience rejection?

And so I don't know,

If you're like me,

You have suffered from codependency,

You have struggled with low self-worth,

You have struggled with not feeling good enough,

You've lacked self-confidence,

Perhaps you struggled with self-doubt.

You just didn't feel like you were worthy enough for a wonderful relationship.

And it may not have been even anything that you were aware of.

These thoughts are rooted in the subconscious mind.

And although almost everyone experiences self-doubt and low self-worth at one point in their life or another,

When you come from a dysfunctional home,

And you've come from homes where your parents did not nurture you,

They did not encourage you to express yourself.

If you came from a critical home,

A perfectionistic home,

If you came from a home where everything looked perfect,

Everybody was super smart,

Mom was highly successful,

Dad was highly successful,

Or your home just looked absolutely perfect from the outside,

But on the inside,

Your family members lacked connection.

You may have suffered from some sense of abandonment.

And when we suffer from abandonment,

We feel rejected.

And we take this sense of rejection wherever we go.

We all fear rejection.

No one wants to be rejected.

But there certainly are some mental games that we can play that can help us not fear rejection to the point where we are frozen and our self-esteem suffers when we are rejected.

Perhaps you go out for a job and you don't get the job and you feel rejected.

It's important that you recognize that just because you didn't receive that job doesn't mean that you don't have value.

It might mean that you weren't right for that job,

Or it might mean that the person hiring you really didn't understand you.

Or perhaps the person hiring you had something,

Some personality issue with you.

It happens.

You meet someone,

You meet someone who's responsible for hiring,

And they just don't like you and you know it.

They are projecting,

Whatever the case may be.

It's just something that we have to widen our horizons consciously when we think about the many ways in which rejection can show up and how we respond.

So in the workplace,

We might experience rejection,

But it's important not to take that on.

It's important not to allow our self-esteem to suffer because we experience this rejection.

In relationships,

I think it's far more difficult to bounce back because in relationships,

We are letting our guard down.

We are allowing ourselves to experience vulnerability,

And we associate love with all of our early relationships,

With our mother,

With our father,

With our siblings,

With our family.

And so these bonds that we've created,

Or these bonds that are insecure,

If we have an insecure attachment style,

For instance,

These bonds,

Whatever happened in early childhood,

We are going to experience in our adulthood.

What do I mean by that?

What I mean by that is that if we have insecure attachments with the people who raised us,

Then we will suffer with insecure attachments in our adult relationships.

And so we have to be aware of that going in.

So if you're someone who tends to chase love,

If you're someone who experiences rejection in relationships,

It's time to look at your early relationships.

If you look at your early relationships and you discover that they were insecure,

If you discover that you experienced abandonment,

If you discover that you have bounced around in foster home,

If you discover that you were given up for adoption,

If you discover that you have some issues in the past,

Feeling loved,

Feeling nurtured,

And feeling enough,

Then you will understand that what you're experiencing in your adult relationships really isn't you.

It's just your programming.

It's just your childhood repeating itself inside these adult relationships.

I think this is really crucial to understand because we need to understand that how we're showing up is a direct result of how people showed up for us.

Now,

This isn't a pity party.

I'm not speaking about this issue so that you can go home and write your mom or your dad an email and say,

This is all your fault.

My life sucks and it's all your fault.

Far from it.

This is an opportunity to understand yourself.

This is an opportunity to heal yourself.

This is an opportunity to grow in personal development.

This is an opportunity to develop a growth mindset where you understand that you're doing something wrong and that's okay.

You're doing something wrong because of something that happened to you and the great news is that can be corrected.

Now,

When we think about chasing love,

What we're saying is,

I'm not worthy of love.

We're telling the universe that we are in position number two.

We don't have love.

Now,

If you think about what happens in childhood,

If you never felt love,

Then you don't have love.

So,

You will chase love as an adult.

It makes sense.

When you're codependent,

You think that someone outside of you is going to be able to love you enough.

When you struggle with narcissistic abuse,

You may have been taught that what you think and what you feel are not things that you should trust because victims of narcissistic abuse are never offered closure and they have been taught and conditioned and programmed and brainwashed to doubt their sense of reality.

And so,

It's difficult for us to bounce back sometimes after a narcissistically abusive relationship.

But if in our lives,

We experience this type of rejection,

It's time for us to look at ourselves if we are the common denominator.

Now,

The answer,

It's going to sound a lot simpler than it really is,

But the answer is to love yourself.

So,

How does someone who has never really formed a healthy sense of self learn to love the self?

One of the things that I can offer you quick as a life coaching tip is to pay attention to how you feel.

When we are codependent,

When we chase love,

When we don't feel good enough,

Our conscious mind is preoccupied with gaining the validation of others.

Our conscious mind is wrought with fear,

It's wrought with anxiety.

We never feel good enough.

We ruminate about what other people have said.

We think about how we think other people feel.

We are over responsible.

We tolerate abuse.

We fear rejection and then we become people pleasers.

We become too nice.

We attract abusers and our life gets really,

Really emotionally complicated.

Now,

We want to slow down the mind.

So,

Meditation is definitely going to help you to do that.

Journaling is definitely going to help you to do that.

Personally,

I dedicate between an hour and a half and two hours a day to my personal growth and my success mindset.

I don't know where I would be without it.

It's my time and I understand and I absolutely believe that where I put my energy is where I'm going to see a return.

It just makes sense to me.

So,

I don't do this work begrudgingly.

I do it abundantly.

I do it gracefully.

I do it thankfully.

And so,

You want to meditate.

You want to journal.

And throughout the day,

What you want to do is you want to ask yourself,

How do I feel?

You want to stop.

You want to look around.

When you're having conversations,

You want to make sure that you're not anticipating what someone else is going to say.

You want to make sure that you are in the moment.

You are checking in with the self.

Now,

The amazing thing is that your solar plexus will tell you everything.

If you're happy,

You will feel freedom.

You will feel space.

You will feel light in your heart space,

In your heart chakra.

Your back will not feel heavy.

Your shoulders will not feel tight.

Everything about your heart space will feel open.

If when you are talking to someone,

You get a bad feeling,

Listen to that,

Because your body is infinitely more wise than your mind.

Now,

Remember,

Your mind has been corrupted by external forces,

External experiences.

If your mother and father were dysfunctional,

Your mind has been corrupted.

You might believe in false ideas.

Society is full of false ideas.

Society tells us that we're not enough unless we look this way.

Society encourages us to get all sorts of plastic surgery.

Society encourages us to use this makeup and to dye our hair this color and to weigh this much and to drive that car.

And so even our religions might enforce this idea that we're not good enough.

So it's important to take a look at the external factors that have affected the way your mind processes information about yourself and the world.

Have a good look.

Be analytical.

Think about how you grew up.

Did you feel loved?

Were your ideas explored?

Did your parents seem to be inquisitive about who you were?

Were you raised or were you just born?

Were you expected to figure it out?

When you walked into a room,

Did your parents notice you?

When you came from home from school,

Was anyone checking your homework?

And if they did check your homework,

Were they loving or were they condemning you for not ever being able to do anything right?

Now,

Even the most well-intended parents can wound us.

Now,

When I ask my clients to look in their past,

I'm asking them to understand the environment that helps shape the way they view themselves.

Sure,

You might have to pin the tail in the donkey.

And I think that's okay.

The goal really isn't to judge our parents as much as it is to accept how perhaps their inability to understand what a child needed or their narcissism,

Their codependency,

Their alcoholism,

Or just their ignorance,

They just didn't know.

How did these things affect who we became?

How did the narrative of the inner critic get formed?

And with what information?

How do I feel about myself?

Do I feel worthy of love?

Because if I don't feel worthy of love,

I don't have love.

And I believe unconsciously that the only way for me to achieve love is to chase love.

And that will only push love away.

Chasing.

Think about someone who's chasing someone.

It's aggressive.

Now think about somebody who is at a park,

Sitting on a park bench,

Just sharing time and space with someone.

Think about going to a park and sitting on a park bench and just enjoying the scenery,

Just enjoying the view.

Doesn't that feel better?

Now that is a person that's sitting in the lap of abundance.

That's a person who feels like this moment is enough.

And that is a person who is much more in alignment with attracting abundance.

So the next time you think about chasing someone for love,

Remember to give that love to you.

Ask yourself how you feel.

Meditate.

Slow down that mind.

Journal about your past.

Understand why you feel the way you feel throughout the day,

All day and every day.

Ask yourself,

How do I feel?

It's important that you begin to get in touch with you.

And don't forget,

Self-care is self-love in action.

It's really important that we learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves.

One of the things that I love to do is I love to affirm myself.

I know that I am enough.

I had to push back those faulty beliefs that had me believing I wasn't enough.

But today,

Because I've practiced the I am enough,

I know that I am.

Please feel free to use any of my meditations on Insight Timer or YouTube to help you feel more enough.

Because dear one,

You are.

Namaste.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Uplifting and encouraging

Thank you 😊

Thank you for this gift of encouraging support and insight 🙏🏼🧡🧡🧡

Thank you. That was very encouraging.

EXCELLENT Talk, Lisa❣️🙏🏻💕

Great talk, thank you and Namaste