Narcissists Crumble When You Choose This Path

The best way to stop focusing and ruminating about narcissists in your life is to close your eyes and fall in love with the self. Ancient Persian Philosopher Rumi is an excellent example of how to break up with, let go of, divorce, and go no contact with narcissists in your life. In this lesson, you will learn what Rumi has to say about releasing narcissists from your life, and why doing so is terrifying yet brings emotional freedom at the same time.

Healing from narcissistic abuse requires that you release resistance to the pain, manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, smear campaigns, and discarding that have been created. Through radical self-awareness and acceptance, we discover the power of sacred wisdom as it pertains to choosing nonresistance. A narcissist will never follow you into solitude. When you embrace solitude, narcissists will run away because in solitude, their masks fall. And that's why you must travel into the silence within.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to ourselves.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

We live in a world that glorifies relationships,

Connections,

And belonging.

But the truth is,

Until we learn how to go into the silence within,

Where our false self hides,

Dear one,

We remain trapped in illusions,

And narcissists know it.

Rumi,

The 13th century Persian poet and mystic,

Spoke often about the importance of solitude and the inward journey.

His wisdom can remind us that real love,

Real healing,

And real understanding come first from going within,

From reconnecting with the divine self inside of us,

Not from chasing approval from our parents or from narcissists that are outside of us or for anything superficial.

So today,

We're going to explore how Rumi's wisdom can help us detach from narcissistic relationships,

Heal codependency,

And walk the road back to our authentic self.

This is a really important topic,

And if you use philosophy to your advantage,

You will be able to heal childhood trauma.

So let's talk about the illusion of connection.

When we have unhealed childhood trauma,

We often believe just automatically that love comes from others,

That our sense of self is tied to approval.

We become trapped in patterns of people-pleasing,

Fawning,

And over-attaching to others,

Especially to narcissists who mirror back to us the love we wished we had as children,

The unconditional love we never received.

But dear one,

This is an illusion.

Narcissists live in that illusion,

And they create a false dance of connection.

It feels exciting,

Chaotic,

And even intoxicating at first,

But it is not based in authentic love or spiritual truth.

It's based on manipulation,

Control,

And a deep absence of real empathy,

Which is required for real love.

Now,

This incredible poet Rumi might tell us that engaging with a narcissist is like losing yourself in a mirror that shows you only a distorted image.

I love his poem,

The Guest House.

In the poem,

Rumi encourages us to welcome all of our emotions,

But when we are entangled with a narcissist,

Or when we are codependent,

Our emotions are hijacked,

And we seek our side of ourselves for that which we can only find within.

We lose our ability to trust ourselves.

We confuse their highs and lows with real intimacy,

And the longer we dance with them,

The further we drift from the real love that already exists inside of us.

And this is key,

And we can use this wisdom to help us break through.

The power of solitude cannot be understated,

Which is difficult for someone of trauma,

But Rumi taught that it is in the silence and the solitude that we find the beloved,

Divine,

Authentic self that doesn't need a mask,

That doesn't need approval,

And does not need an audience.

When we retreat into the silence,

We give ourselves a chance to hear the whispers of our own soul,

Which have been drowned out by the noise of needing others to validate us,

Or to give us a sense of worthiness from.

As codependents,

We seek our identity outside of ourselves,

And that has to stop.

But this is exactly why those of us with childhood trauma find it so hard to be still.

When we go into the silence,

All the fear that we've spent our lives running from and avoiding come to the surface.

Our primitive brains are going to panic.

The mind is going to scramble to put on a mask or find a person to attach to.

But we're alone,

And that's why solitude can be so scary.

We will do anything to make us feel safe.

But in the silence,

There is no one to please.

There's no one to fix.

There's no one to fawn over.

And that terrifies the mind that has been trained to seek safety through attachment to others.

And those of us who have an insecure attachment are going to struggle with going into the silence,

Which is where we need to go to break through.

Yet it's only learning to stay in the silence,

To become the observer of these fear-based thoughts and bodily sensations that are natural,

That when we begin to realize these are natural,

When we begin to realize we are not our thoughts,

We are not our fear,

We are not our trauma.

We are the witness to these experiences,

Not the experiences themselves.

There's this detachment in the mind where I'm able to observe what's happening as a result of going within.

That is crucial.

So let's talk about this flawed premise of our identity.

A fundamental flaw in human thinking is the belief that we are the contents of our minds.

We believe we are our thoughts,

And we are our feelings,

Or we are our pasts.

We are our ego story.

But Rumi,

And every great spiritual teacher there ever was,

If you seek long enough,

You realize they teach you something otherwise.

When we are taught how to detach from the mind,

To observe it instead,

Instead of fusing with it,

We can experience the profound shift all human beings have come to experience.

It's then that we realize the mind is just noise.

It's maya.

It is not the core of who we are.

And if we remain in the observer state long enough,

The mask we once clung to dissolves.

The fear will start to fade.

The need for approval drops away.

The addiction to external validation begins to weaken.

And you can only do this in inner silence.

In this silence,

We begin to return to the divine self,

The self that was never broken,

The self that was never unworthy,

Never abandoned by the creator of all that is.

Never.

Because healing is not about becoming someone new.

It is about returning to the pure divine self we always were before we were hurt by childhood trauma,

Before our egos began to develop the story by the time we were three and five.

It's just absolutely incredible.

And by seven,

These patterns are click.

Now,

Rumi's wisdom,

I believe,

Will call us to stop dancing with the illusions,

Especially those created by narcissistic relationships.

And so if you're in one,

Consider this your wake up call.

When we detach from these toxic dynamics,

We are not abandoning love.

We are reclaiming real love,

The love that was always within us,

The love that connects us to the divine self.

So that's why going no contact or just allowing them to be who they are without engaging with them is so important.

And as long as we believe we are our fears and our trauma and even our emotions,

As long as we need people to validate us,

We stay stuck in the karmic loop of pain.

But when we learn to go into the silence,

When we bravely sit with ourselves and our reactions and all our codependency without reaching for another mask,

We free ourselves.

We awaken to the beloved within.

We come home to ourselves.

And this is the journey that we're all on.

You,

Me,

Everyone.

This is the real healing.

This is the road back to you.

It is a inner voyage.

And I teach you how to go within.

I teach you how to sit with the goblins and the ghouls that show up.

I teach you how to sit and stay in your body as your mind reacts to the silence.

Because when you go into the silence,

There's no one to fawn after.

There's just you.

And it can be so terrifying.

And in that space,

Your inner child does not know what to do.

Your inner child has survived by seeking approval.

Your inner child has survived by blaming themselves,

By minimizing their reaction,

By using Stockholm syndrome to help them avoid the pain of realizing that their parents didn't take care of them the way they needed to.

And so when you go into the silence,

These are the demons that show up.

These are the voices that show up.

These are the attachments.

It's the coping strategies that you've used to survive.

You come face to face with them.

And when you sit with them,

And you observe them,

And you just let them scurry,

Your mind is going to freak out.

The bells and whistles are going to panic.

What are you doing?

There's no one here for me to cling to.

There's no one here for me to jump into a rescue boat with.

There's no one here for me to fawn after.

There's no one here for me to guilt.

There's no one here for me to shame.

There's no one here for me to cry in front of.

There's no one here for me to text or email.

Hey,

I'm having a bad day.

It's just me.

That is freaking terrifying.

There's no one here for me to turn myself into a pretzel for.

No,

There's just you.

And I think that those of us who teach this type of recovery work and this type of mental resilience and emotional resilience,

And certainly it is the path to enlightenment,

In my humble opinion,

This unification,

This integration Carl Jung was talking about,

This individuation,

Those of us who teach it,

I think the most important thing that we could do is to teach people how to stay in their body.

So if you're in a narcissistic relationship,

As so many of us are,

And if you were raised by a narcissistic parent,

Chances you are,

Because we attract at the vibrational level the trauma that we experienced in childhood by default,

Because it's about resonance.

Everything is due to attraction.

OK,

So it's not our fault.

We have to accept that that's not our fault.

It never was our fault.

But there is great hope here.

There is a way out,

And that's what we have to cling to.

So what Rumi is suggesting is that the longer you dance with a narcissist,

The longer you seek a narcissist's approval,

The longer you try to prove the narcissist wrong,

The longer you defend yourself,

The more confused you are by gaslighting,

The more you try to fix the narcissist,

The more you try to help them see their inner light,

The more you forgive a narcissist and hope that one day that empathy will return to you.

You see,

You were brought into a narcissist's life to mirror to them their potential.

All the love that you offer them,

All the forgiveness that you offer them,

Just know that it was not for naught.

A narcissist will remember that you were the one that was different.

You were the one that forgave.

You were the one that was understanding.

You were the one that tried to hang in there.

You were the one that tried to get them to see that negotiation was possible.

You saw the best in them and you hung in there,

Maybe codependently,

Maybe you offered them too much empathy,

But at any rate,

You hung in there to the point where it became so obvious and so painful that you had to let go.

I've had to do this many times throughout my life.

It is not cycled up just one time.

It was a series of letting go of relationships that were not reciprocal,

Letting go of relationships that were painful,

Letting go of people in my life that refused to grow and refused to change,

Letting go of people who could not take full accountability,

Could not step into empathy and grandstanded and were grandiose instead.

So it's been a series of letting go,

But I believe that when we let go,

If you're early on this journey,

When you let go and you go into this silence,

You're going to freak out because in the silence,

You're confronted with this lack of people to fawn after,

The lack of people to seek approval from,

The lack of an audience.

It's gone.

The mask is gone.

And that's where most people give up.

That's where most people say,

This is too difficult.

I'm out of here.

I'm not walking through this fire.

But for those of us who walk through the fire,

We get to the other side.

That's why I use philosophy.

I use imagery.

I use spiritual teachings.

I use groundbreaking neuroscience to encourage people because the road is tough.

It's not easy to get to the other side of false illusions of the false self.

But I can tell you that there is so much peace on the other side.

And you get to a point where as you go through these cycles of life and death in your life,

Then you embrace the silence more and more.

It's no longer a scary place.

At this stage of my journey,

I mean,

If you ever meet my husband,

Anthony,

You can ask him.

I'm a 3 a.

M.

Kind of girl.

I wrap myself in a blanket and I get a hot cup of tea or a hot cup of coffee.

I'm in the backyard looking up at the stars,

Looking up at the trees.

It could be freezing outside.

If you stick with this journey long enough,

You will crave solitude.

Your soul will say,

Take me outside.

Let's commune together.

Let's empty the mind.

Let's let go of everything.

Everything's an illusion.

Even with stoicism,

Marcus Aurelius,

Right?

The great meditations.

He teaches us that nothing really matters.

Everything is temporary.

And narcissists act like everything is so solid.

Everything is so forever.

And it's their way or it's the highway.

And when you start to see through the illusions,

You start to see through the masks.

And that's why I love philosophy.

Because it's just like narcissists make no sense yet.

But if you look at it through the eyes of mysticism,

If you look at it through the eyes of philosophy,

These are people who believe that they're like universes.

They're statues.

They're permanent figures in a transient world.

And it's their word or it's their way or no way.

And you are irrelevant in their world.

And you should know that you're irrelevant in their world.

And it's so bizarre when you start to really peel back and you start to see the grandiosity in it.

And you think nothing's that important.

The only thing that is important is love.

And people who abuse you,

Who try to make you feel bad about yourself,

Who insult you,

Who press every button,

Narcissists are going to go after what you love the most.

They will go after your career.

They will go after your health.

They will go after your children.

They will go after your character,

What you believe you are.

So if you believe that you're a good person,

They'll say,

No,

You're not.

If you believe that you're sane,

They'll say,

No,

You're not.

If you believe that you want to believe you're a good mom,

They'll say,

No,

You're not.

These are people who create great havoc.

And they're not coming from love.

And that is the only thing that is non-transient.

It is the only thing that is forever because we come from love.

I really believe that.

I think that the basis of life is well-being.

Trees grow towards the sun.

Grass grows up towards the sun.

So if you think about consciousness as this spiral staircase,

Love is a spiral staircase.

And it should always be growing.

But if you pay attention to a narcissist,

They're on the ground floor of that staircase.

And they pull people down that staircase onto their level all the time.

Misery loves company.

And if you're somebody who tries to get,

Like,

Walks five steps up,

Out of nowhere,

The narcissist is going to ping you,

Text you,

Email you,

Or throw an insult your way,

Or accuse you of something you're not guilty of that they're guilty of.

And if you're not careful,

Rather than continue to walk up that staircase,

You're going to get engaged.

You're going to engage.

That's why I always say,

Never argue with a narcissist.

And it seems that Rumi,

People like Lao Tzu,

People like Robert Frost,

These great philosophers like Marcus Aurelius,

And even Plato,

Agree.

We shouldn't be dancing with narcissists.

We should be going into the solitude of self.

We should be slaying our own dragons.

We should be slaying a false self.

And the more we do that,

The easier it becomes.

And eventually,

We will be codependent no more.

We will own the self.

We will find the road back to me,

The road back to the self.

And that's what I hope for you,

Dear one,

Because it is a beautiful world.

It is an abundant world.

But if we're always dancing with shadows,

We never get to dance with the light.

And you are the light.

And the people that love you unconditionally,

They will love you unconditionally.

You will feel their love.

If you're dealing with someone who's narcissistic,

Think about how you feel after you talk to them.

And they come to you to feel better.

But every time you talk to them,

You feel worse.

Pay attention to that dynamic.

Narcissists take.

Narcissists want to make you feel less than.

Narcissists want you to be afraid of your inner power.

Narcissists may or may not know they're doing it.

In most cases,

Narcissists don't even know that they're narcissists.

And to me,

That is so sad because they believe that they're smarter than everyone.

They believe in their righteousness.

They believe in their condemnation.

And it's very sad because narcissists always lose.

Because the people that bring light into their world eventually walk away.

And to me,

That's very sad.

But you did not come to fix anybody.

You did not come to seek approval.

You came to find yourself,

Seek your own approval,

And to ultimately recognize that you are enough.

And you always have been.

So it's very interesting that we end up coming full circle.

And if you're on this path and in this lifetime,

This work resonates with you,

That is such a beautiful thing.

Just remember,

When you were in utero,

You knew you were connected to everything.

There was nothing else but your I am presence.

And then you came here and you were born to a dysfunctional family,

Immature parents,

Maybe narcissistic parents,

Self-righteous parents,

Critical parents,

Parents that thought that you should live your life making them happy,

So you should become who they think you should have become because it makes them feel safe and it makes them feel emboldened,

Right?

Forget about you becoming who you're supposed to be.

You come here and then society tells you that you're too big,

You're too small,

You're too little,

You're not tall enough,

You don't have enough hair on your head,

Your nails aren't long enough,

Your skin's not the right color,

You're not the right gender,

You're not doing this right,

You're not doing that right.

And we fall to this illusion.

And then we meet people who mirror these experiences in our life and everything that we're afraid of comes to the surface and we stay on that karmic wheel until we really urge ourselves,

We feel called.

Some of us never feel called in this lifetime,

But thankfully you're here and I know that I was called to this.

I was called to journey within,

Which meant that I had to leave my family of origin,

Not just once,

Many times.

I had to step away because I did not believe in what I was being taught at home and that was really painful because it meant that I had to go into the silence.

I had to leave my ex-husband.

Again,

I had to go into the silence.

There were times where my children,

My older two children separated from me and again,

I had to go into the silence.

I had to accept what was.

And it was time and time again and then narcissistic relationship after narcissistic relationship until I finally understood that it was me.

I still wasn't doing something right and for me,

It turned out I wasn't trusting my instincts.

That spirit source was sending me red flags,

But I still,

I hadn't yet gone into that house that Rumi talks about.

I hadn't gone into the cave,

The allegory of the cave that Plato talks about.

I really,

I hadn't done the full hero's journey that Joseph Campbell talks about.

I still didn't wrestle enough shadows and when I finally wrestled enough shadows,

I just felt liberated like,

Wow,

I am enough.

So throughout this entire life cycle,

I returned to this I am within me that I know I was before I incarnated in this body,

Before I developed an identity.

All there was,

There was no identity before the I am in utero or when I opened my eyes for the first time.

There was no Lisa.

There was no,

You're not good enough.

You talk too much or you're too opinionated.

You're too emotional.

It was none of that.

There was no codependency.

There was no childhood trauma.

There was just this I am presence.

So it's very interesting to me that those of us who consider ourselves way showers and truth seekers,

People who seek self-knowledge and we're willing to go within and oftentimes the people who are trying to heal from childhood trauma,

You're actually a truth seeker.

You're a way shower and you don't even know it.

Your pain is waking you up.

That's the whole purpose.

The pain is here to wake you up.

Some people stay in that pain.

They recycle that pain.

They project that pain and they try to drag people back into their drama.

But those of us who escape,

Those of us who say,

No,

No,

No,

No more.

Like I want to be codependent no more.

That's a beautiful thing.

You're on the precipice of enlightenment.

You're on the precipice of individualization and self-actualization that Carl Jung talks about.

So Jung philosophy is not any different than what Rumi's saying or what Marcus Aurelius is saying.

You are enough and you can break free but not unless you're willing to go into the silence,

Not unless you're willing to dissolve the masks and heal the shame that binds you that John Bradshaw talks about.

So as you can see,

All of these philosophies and all of these teachings,

Both that are modern and also ancient are saying the same thing.

You're enough.

Everything that you're afraid of is an illusion.

Everything is transient.

You are not your ego's story.

You are so much more than that.

You are everything and everything is you and you are entitled to the good in life.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time,

It's a bow to the love and light that is absolutely in you.

Reviews

Thank you for this insightful and deeply impactful podcast. It helped me reclaim my inner strength and solitude.

I have learned to embrace my solitude. This is helpful information. Thank you.

Spot on
I need instructions

Wow! This truly resonates with me on this journey to my true self. Recently I have discovered that my alone time, that bonding with nature, is near flowing water. I used to go do this and somewhere along the way I stopped doing this. I am so glad I have rediscovered this. The alone time is me. 🙏🏻 Namaste.