Narcissistic Mothers Exploit Your Need To Be Loved

All children have a tendency to see their mother through a tainted lens, one that causes a child to take responsibility for how a dysfunctional mother might cause them to feel rather than being able to comprehend the challenging dynamics. For example, a highly narcissistic mother, may exploit their child's need for approval, love, and validation. When those necessary needs are exploited, a child will naturally assume blame for not gaining a narcissistic mother's love. This results in feelings of shame and will also create emotional triggers tied to abandonment, rejection, and the fear of disapproval.

The consequences of being raised by a narcissistic mother are wide, varied, and lifelong. The fear of criticism, the fear of engaging with others socially, and the need to isolate, and avoid social interactions can also be tied to feeling rejected by a narcissistic mother. The stupendous news is, that you can heal from maternal narcissistic abuse

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

In today's session,

We're going to be talking about 10 signs that you have a narcissistic mother.

When we're dealing with parents who have narcissism,

We're dealing with people who generally have a pervasive pattern of a couple of key personality traits.

This is someone who lacks empathy.

This is somebody who exploits other people,

And this is someone who feels entitled,

Entitled to do anything,

Entitled to cut the line,

Entitled to embarrass you,

Entitled to treat you poorly,

Entitled to ignore you,

Entitled to withhold love,

Entitled to make your life a living hell.

They feel absolutely entitled,

And this combination of empathy impairment makes it really,

Really challenging to be their child.

If you have a narcissistic mother and you are the adult daughter,

What you will notice in your own life when you look back is you'll notice that you never felt like you were able to connect with your mom.

The way I used to explain it is that she's behind a pane of glass,

And I just can't break through.

I can't access this glass.

I can't get to her.

It felt like there was literally a wall between my mother and I,

And for the life of me,

I couldn't figure out how to penetrate it,

Which is why I developed anxious attachment style,

It manifested as codependency and people pleasing,

Tremendous feelings of low self-worth,

I'm not good enough.

How could I feel psychologically good enough if the mother that I loved never treated me like I was good enough,

And in fact,

Treated me,

Whether she did it purposely or unconsciously through projection,

She was unable to make me feel good enough,

And on top of it,

Went out of her way to make me feel less than,

And I know she did.

My father later on in his life actually admitted to my husband when he first met him that he went out of his way to make sure my brother,

My sister and I never felt good about ourselves.

In his sick mind,

He thought that that was a good thing,

And that's why we turned out so well.

So even in that explanation,

Which is sick and twisted,

He is flipping the tables,

And he is completely sidetracking this idea that there was a deliberate attempt to oppress their children,

Make their children feel less than,

Cause them to doubt themselves.

There was a deliberate attempt to reduce their level of self-worth and their self-esteem,

And oh,

By the way,

They turned out okay.

So you see,

What I did was okay,

It all makes sense.

So that is generally what a narcissistic parent will do,

Is whatever success you have,

They see it as their success.

It's because of something that they did,

And they will even turn a negative thing into a positive thing to twist it so that they can take responsibility for it and can be praised for it.

And unless you really are able to be objective about this,

Which means that A,

You're not in denial anymore,

B,

You're doing family of origin work,

C,

You're doing inner child recovery work,

And you're addressing codependency issues,

Then you're not going to be able to the distance or the space that you need to gain an objective overview of these family dynamics.

You might just go along with your dad.

I know my sister and my brother just went along with what he said,

But because of the commitment I had to transforming my life,

I was able to see what he was doing quite clearly.

And I even said out loud,

I said,

Well,

Congratulations,

Dad.

You had all three children who had low self-esteem.

We all had eating disorders.

We suffer from rumination and low self-worth.

Congratulations.

You did a wonderful job.

And he came back with,

Well,

I didn't have a psychology degree,

Lisa.

How could you expect me to know what I was doing?

Again,

He flipped it,

Avoids responsibility.

Instead of taking a moment to say,

Wow,

Maybe I made a mistake.

Maybe I did something wrong,

Which is what a narcissistic parent doesn't do.

They don't accept responsibility.

They deflect.

They minimize.

Their mind works in an amazing way.

I think it's like mental and emotional trapeze artistry,

How you could go from recognizing in the moment you did something wrong,

Dude,

And how they're able to flip it like,

No,

I didn't.

And even if I did do it,

It's okay because I had an excuse to do it and you turned out okay.

And if you don't turn out okay,

Well,

That's your fault.

So they're constantly evading responsibility.

So let's talk about what you will notice in your mom if she is a narcissist.

I also have to say that just because we have troubled relationships with our mothers and we have a difficult time connecting doesn't necessarily mean they are a narcissist.

Mom could be love avoidant.

Mom could have emotional trauma.

Mom could be codependent.

Mom could have a very difficult time accessing her emotions.

She could be very insecure and not know how to access what you need from her doesn't necessarily mean she's narcissistic.

A narcissistic mother,

If you pay enough attention and you observe her long enough,

What you'll see is that she cannot see her children.

She cannot align with them.

She cannot resonate with their emotions.

She cannot take their feelings into consideration.

It's almost like she is almost like an avatar.

She just doesn't get it.

In addition to that,

She will exhibit punishing behaviors,

Arrogant behaviors,

And behaviors in which define narcissism as it relates to a narcissistic mother and her child.

Number one,

Children are seen from their perspective as a source of narcissistic supply.

So what does this mean?

This means that you're the shiny object in her life or you're the dull object in her life that makes her look dull.

It's always going to be your fault.

It's going to be your responsibility to make her feel good about herself.

Maybe you have a mom who is addicted to living through you vicariously.

And so she wants you to be the thinnest,

The prettiest cheerleader.

She wants you to be the head cheerleader so that she can go to school or go to your meets and say,

Oh yeah,

That's my daughter,

Right?

So because you're doing well,

It makes her do well.

So there's a problem with boundaries and individuation.

And mom is really relying on you and your success and your hard work for an opportunity for her to shine.

This leads to the grandiose aspect of narcissism in which mom wants to be head and shoulders above the other moms,

Not through her own merit,

Not because she's done something deserving of such a status through you.

So it's going to be your job to make her feel good about herself so that she can feel head and shoulders above other people and that she can psychologically,

At least in her own mind gets to feel as if other people see her that way too.

It's all inside their own head.

You could have 27 moms on the cheer squad and 26 of them don't really care who the head cheerleader is or who her mother is.

But in the mind of the narcissistic mom,

Let's say she's the cheer mom of the head cheerleader.

In her head,

That falls by the wayside.

In her head,

All these other women see her as better than they are.

And that's where she derives this,

This almost this insanity from this insane fantasy from see I'm better and they all know that I'm better because my daughter's the head cheerleader.

It's all in her head.

What you'll also notice is that you'll get praised when you do something that benefits her,

But that praise will be withheld and you will even be punished if there is some perceived failure on behalf of your mom.

Remember that she's going to want to be,

At least in her head,

Seen as the person sitting on the pedestal.

Now,

If you are that vehicle,

Your successes are that vehicle,

Let's say you don't make the cheer squad.

Well,

Then mom in her head feels like she's been taken off that rein.

She's not the person on the top of that food chain.

She's not sitting on that pedestal anymore.

So where is she garnering or gaining her sense of narcissistic supply from if you are the person who has failed her in her head because she's not looking to have her own success.

She's living through you.

And so a narcissistic mother puts tremendous pressure on her son and her daughter for them to be successful so that she can feel good about herself in her own head.

If you play along,

You will be praised.

That doesn't mean it's authentic praise.

She's not praising you.

She's praising how you and your performance makes her feel.

If you do not do or perform in a way that nets her this result,

She will punish you.

You have now become an antagonist and a threat to her sense of self,

To her ability to feel powerful and dominant over other people.

An unhealthy narcissistic mother will discard you for challenging them.

Healthy moms know that it's their job to raise their children for the day that the mom is no longer on planet earth.

A healthy conscious mother knows that creating an emotional dependency,

Crippling their child emotionally,

Spiritually,

Financially,

Sometimes physically is unhealthy and that their goal is to empower their children so that they can make decisions about their lives when mommy is no longer around to help them sort things out.

With a narcissistic mother,

That is not even part of the equation.

It doesn't even enter their mind.

Narcissistic mother's about right here,

Right now,

What do you owe me?

How are you going to make me feel better and how can I blame you for the fact that I don't feel good?

I have a mood swing.

It's your fault.

I want to punish you for that.

So a narcissistic mother,

If you dare challenge your mom,

Which in healthy mother daughter relationships,

For instance,

You are encouraged to challenge your mother.

You're a healthy mother who is autonomous.

She's worked through her inner child recovery.

She's been a cycle breaker.

She understands that you need to individuate from her.

And unfortunately at lots of times what happens,

Individuation between a mother and daughter is oftentimes chaotic.

It can be toxic sometimes when the daughter is trying to figure out are these my thoughts or these your thoughts.

No human being likes to do things because someone else is making them do it.

Every human being likes to feel like,

Oh,

This was my choice.

And so there's this natural push and pull between a mother and a daughter,

Also a father and a son where the daughter has to individuate.

So a narcissistic mother isn't going to like that.

A narcissistic mother is going to resent that process.

Remember,

You are a source of narcissistic supply.

Any threat to that entanglement and enmeshment and dependency upon your mother is going to trigger her.

And so if you are strong enough to be a truth teller and to set a boundary,

Then you will be devalued.

You will be chastised.

You will be criticized.

You might be banished from the kingdom.

You might be smeared.

Your mother might take up the phone and call Aunt Susie and Uncle Mark and tell them all about the crazy crap that you're doing.

Even though it's in response to how she's treating you,

That'll be left out of the equation.

And so when you stand up against your mom,

You know,

On your own behalf,

When you dare to have autonomy,

When you dare to advocate for yourself,

Your mom is going to be triggered and you will be punished for doing so.

A narcissistic mom will also exploit the natural need you have to feel loved by her.

Let me explain.

For instance,

When I was growing up,

I don't ever remember a time where my mother ever complimented me,

Ever.

Not once,

Except,

Excuse me,

Except when I was seven years old and I had my little white communion dress on and I remember coming down the stairs.

I was seven.

Okay.

I'm good.

I'm 59.

So this is a long time ago,

50 something years,

52 years ago.

And I remember it like it was yesterday because it was such a profound moment.

It was so different.

Where I was coming down the stairs,

I had just put my dress on and my little socks and my shoes.

And my mom said,

Wow,

Lisa,

You have nice legs.

That was it.

Silly,

A silly thing to compliment.

What I really needed and what every child needed was,

I love you.

I see you.

You're good enough.

Your feelings matter to me.

Everything's going to be okay.

Tell me what's going on.

How can I support you?

Not one day.

Not one day.

So growing up,

What my mother did do,

And I always felt like she enjoyed it,

Was she would compliment one of my best friends right in front of me and tell her,

You are so beautiful.

You and your sisters are so attractive.

Do you know how pretty you are?

And my friend would get uncomfortable because she knew that this was something that my mother was doing and it was making me feel uncomfortable.

It wasn't that my friend wasn't beautiful and it wasn't that my mother was doing anything wrong by saying,

You're a beautiful young girl,

Because she was and she is.

The issue and the nuance was that this is something that she never said to me and she said it in front of me.

And it was a way in which she let me know,

I can compliment people and your friends and not compliment you.

And she knew it.

She knew that I needed her love.

And you will sense as a daughter,

Although you'll never be able to explain this to anybody because they won't believe you,

In most cases,

Narcissistic mothers have more than one face.

And so when you dare tell your friends,

This is the issue I have with my mother,

They're going to say,

You're crazy.

There's no way.

Every mother loves their child.

Even birds take care of their young.

What's wrong with you?

You're just too sensitive.

Even your own friends might say that to you.

And so I get it.

That's why sessions like this are so important.

When you hear other people's stories,

It's very validating.

It helps you to integrate and it helps you to begin the recovery journey,

Which requires that you come out of denial and you say,

Wow,

It really was that bad.

As long as you're in denial,

As long as you're not accepting how you feel,

As long as you're not accepting your reality,

You're going to stay stuck.

So try to remember that if you had a mom who never complimented you,

But she knew how to compliment other people,

Especially your peers,

This is a sign that you have a narcissistic mom,

Especially if you sense that she enjoyed doing so.

Another sign that you had a narcissistic mom is that you will notice maybe not in the moment,

But in hindsight,

As an adult,

You'll look back and you'll say,

She really did lack empathy for me.

Now,

When you're a little girl or a little boy and you are upset in front of your mom and she's ignoring you and she's cursing at you or she's throwing things at you or she's minimizing you and she's raging and she's blaming you and she's calling you names,

Insulting you left and right.

You're not saying in those moments,

Wow,

This woman lacks empathy.

She feels entitled to exploit me emotionally.

She's emotionally oppressive.

She requires that I just be her servant.

She expects me to worry about her.

She's not worrying about me.

Wow.

This is a flip.

This is role reversal.

You're not doing that when you're a tiny little innocent being who is emotionally dependent upon this person.

You're in terror.

You're in fear.

The amygdala is activated.

The hippocampus is recording everything.

So you are being traumatized in that moment.

You have no one there to support you.

You are being downloaded with trauma,

Trauma in your body.

And you're going to feel that until you learn how to release these negative emotions from your body,

Which,

Dear one,

Is absolutely possible.

When you're being belittled as a child,

You don't know that,

Oh,

This is a lack of empathy and this is her character flaw or this is her personality disorder.

All you feel is the terror.

In hindsight,

As you grew up and you become an adult and you look back and you're doing this work,

It's like,

Okay,

That's why I felt the way I felt.

I felt so small.

I felt so afraid.

I felt so lost.

I felt so confused.

I felt so disconnected.

I felt so self-loathing because my mother exhibited these traits.

Now it all starts to make sense.

Another sign that you had a narcissistic mother is how you feel about her.

It is not natural for a daughter to feel like she has to escape and run far away and sometimes to another country to escape the grips of their narcissistic mother.

That's not normal,

Dear ones.

It is normal if you want and valid,

You want to get up and you want to spread your wings and you have all the support in the world from a healthy mother to explore the world and move to another country.

That's amazing.

But when you are leaving your home or your city or your town or your country because you feel like you have to,

To survive,

To escape your narcissistic mother or her access to you,

That's a different story.

I have so many adult daughters of narcissistic parents,

Highly professional women who have done this,

Who have felt like,

I need to escape.

I feel crazy.

Nothing makes sense when I talk to her.

I spend all day with her.

I have a job that I work eight to 10 hours a day.

I live two hours away from my mother.

She expects me to come there and hold her hand till 11 or 12 o'clock at night.

And then when I leave,

She calls me selfish.

And so the only thing that I can do is escape by moving to another country because now she doesn't have any,

Well,

Reason to think that I'm going to be at her house every day and tolerate this absolute craziness.

And this,

If you think about it,

Dear one,

What I just want to flesh out here is that that implies that you're really struggling with what's really happening,

How bad it really is,

Honoring your feelings,

Cutting your mom off,

Going no contact and setting healthy boundaries.

Now,

This is not your fault,

But we shouldn't have to run to other countries to escape our narcissistic mothers.

But if that's something that you've done,

It's a sign you have a narcissistic mom.

Another sign that you have a narcissistic mom or that your mom is a narcissist is that you will notice she cannot celebrate your success.

She will withhold praise.

She will give you that dirty look,

Like,

Okay,

You think you're all that?

She will minimize your successes.

She will cause you to doubt how she feels about your success.

It's almost like she's dangling the carrot.

She knows that you deserve her praise.

She knows that you deserve a pat on the back.

She knows you crave it,

But she's not going to give it to you.

It's your birthday.

She's not going to celebrate you.

She's going to find a way to ruin it.

You got engaged.

She's not going to be happy for you.

She's going to find a way to ruin it.

I remember right after I got engaged,

My best friend,

Two best friends were in my bedroom with me.

We were just talking,

Hanging out.

I was only 21 at the time.

I don't recommend getting engaged at 21 now that I know what I know.

But anyway,

I was engaged and my mother just was very irritated.

She had volatile mood swings and I never knew when I was going to get it,

Never.

And this day,

She started harassing me from down the staircase.

So my bedroom was upstairs.

She was at the doorway and she's harassing me,

Really wanting to pull me into a really nasty conversation.

And she ended up saying,

You don't deserve him.

And I took my engagement ring and I flung it across my bedroom.

And then there was this moment of,

Wow,

She did it.

Her mask slipped in front of my two friends.

Like as odd as it was to have her say that to me and do that to me,

It was also like a relief.

Like she screwed up.

Like she let her anger go in front of my friends.

I think in the moment of her hostility,

I don't think she was thinking clearly,

But I think in the moment she really thought that she was going to sway how my friends saw me.

But what she didn't count on was them being aghast and terrified by the way she was speaking to me because they both had very loving mothers who would never speak to them that way.

Their fathers were a different story.

I think that's why we all attracted one another,

But their mothers were very kind to them.

And so if you have a narcissistic mother,

She is going to really try to find as many different ways she can help herself to diminish your success and your happiness.

Another sign that you have a mom for a narcissist is,

And we're piggybacking off of the last one,

Is that she will expect you to diminish your successes for the golden child.

So let's say you're a decorated artist or archeologist or,

I don't know,

Architect,

And you're really proud of your success and you're one you should be.

Now,

If mom has a golden child in the family and this child isn't doing as well as you,

What mom will do is expect you to diminish your success for your brother or for your sister.

She's not going to have empathy for you.

She's not going to know what it feels like to have that put on you,

And she's not even going to care.

All she's going to care about is protecting the ego of the golden child who is enmeshed with her,

Who will do anything for her.

And this is a dynamic that is extremely painful,

And it's also part of why sibling relationships fall apart when there is a narcissistic mother,

Father at the helm,

Or both,

Because children are being tortured this way and pit up against one another.

And so this is a sign that you have a narcissistic mother.

Another sign that you have a narcissistic mother is that she's jealous of you.

And so you're trying to make it in school.

You're trying to make it in your career.

You're trying to hold down a relationship.

You're trying to get pregnant.

You're trying to build a home.

You're trying to move forward in your life.

Whatever it is,

You're going to find that she sabotages your ability to move forward.

Maybe she calls you and she says that she's afraid.

Maybe she calls you and she says that she's sick.

Maybe she calls you and she starts an argument with you,

Or she starts to suggest that that job isn't right for you.

Or maybe she'll mess with your head and say that you just think you're better than everybody else.

You're just trying to prove yourself.

Right?

You think you're better than me.

She'll find ways to play mind games with you,

And what she's trying to do is diminish your ability from being able to excel past where she has gotten in her life because she's threatened.

She's grandiose.

She has to see that she's better than you.

She has to believe that you think she's better than you.

She has to believe that she's at the top of the food chain.

So when she starts to get a whiff that one of her children,

Especially if it's a daughter,

It's a very unique situation.

Narcissistic moms have complicated relationships with their sons too,

But it manifests differently.

With a narcissistic mom and an adult daughter,

Narcissistic mothers are going to really struggle and become triggered when their daughters start to spread their wings.

And you need to be aware of that so that you don't fall prey to the mind game and you can get from point A to point B and follow through with your dreams and follow through with your goals despite having a narcissistic mother sabotaging your effort.

Another sign that you were raised by a narcissistic mother is that she will consistently choose men over you.

You could have a narcissistic mother who is married to your dad or married to your stepdad,

And what you'll notice is that she's all up in his face.

She's all up worried about that relationship.

And you'll feel invisible.

You'll feel like you are chopped liver.

You will feel like your experience in this family is insignificant.

You just feel like you just don't matter.

Your mother will go out of her way to make sure that you know that,

That you don't rank.

And so it might appear as your mom and your dad taking vacations and leaving you guys at home.

Or it might appear as mom and dad have a toxic relationship and your needs are insignificant.

She's completely absorbed in making sure that dad caters to her and thinks she's amazing.

And so she's all up in that relationship.

Or you can have a single mother who is highly narcissistic and is more interested in gaining the affection,

The intention of men at any cost to her child.

I just heard a horrible story last night where a single mom left her baby alone in a crib,

I think for over 10 days,

And unfortunately the baby passed.

So she went on vacation with her boyfriend.

Obviously this is an extreme,

But you understand what I'm trying to say,

I'm sure.

It's that a narcissistic mother doesn't have that natural connection to their child that a healthier mother,

Or I would say a more healed mother,

Because I myself had this type of a mother and I'm so grateful that I was able to connect with my children.

But I think that I would have been able to more authentically connect with my children before recovery had I had a healthier connection with my mom.

My connection with my children I feel is far more healthy because of the recovery work I've done and because I'm a cycle breaker and because I refuse to allow the past to control me,

Whether it's at a subconscious level,

Whether it's habitual thinking,

Whether it's subconscious beliefs,

Whatever,

I'm not letting the past control me and I'm certainly not going to excuse how trauma affected me and use it as an excuse to not break the cycle and to justify any trauma that I pass along to my children.

No,

I'm going to do everything I can to break the cycle.

Now,

If you have a narcissistic mom,

Then a narcissistic mom,

In this case,

When it comes to men,

She's not seeing that role in her life as it comes to you.

She can only see what she wants,

Her needs,

Her feelings,

Her emotions,

And you really are insignificant and unfortunately she can be very indifferent to your experience of her bringing in so many men into your life,

Her completely indifferent to how you might be seeing that,

What your needs are,

And what your perspective is.

Last but not least,

If you have a narcissistic mother,

Unfortunately you were raised by a very,

Very,

Very immature person who cannot say they're sorry.

Now,

Along with not saying you're sorry,

It really is multifaceted because someone who cannot say they're sorry is someone who lacks self-awareness,

Lacks personal integrity,

Is not accountable,

Deflects,

Minimizes other people,

And is self-absorbed and needs to turn the tables and make you wrong.

So although the last sign that your mom's a narcissist is that she can't say she's sorry,

It's not just that.

In not being able to say you're sorry,

You can't see me,

You can't feel me,

You can't honor what I'm saying.

What I'm saying to you makes no sense to you.

I can't even connect to you on that level.

You can't meet my needs to feel seen.

And worse,

Worse,

If I challenge you,

You're going to punish me,

And I love you,

The one person on this planet that I should be able to come to and to seek guidance from.

Is there anything more beautiful than that,

Feeling like you are the child of someone who actually loves you and cares about you and doesn't think you're a burden,

Somebody who wants to embrace you,

Someone who's done the work,

And now they actually have something to offer you?

And they do it lovingly and with all of their heart,

Knowing that every day with you is very precious.

When you're dealing with a narcissistic mother,

This is not part of their experience.

It's not on the radar.

And you as the adult child or the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother are left with figuring out what are my next steps?

Now,

What I did was I needed to go no contact while I began to flush this out because my brain operated to not see it.

It was very painful to see my feelings.

It was like I could not believe it was as bad as it was.

And it was kind of passively comforting in a way to not think it was as bad as it was.

It was comforting to not have to consider,

Wow,

I'm never going to have that fantasy relationship with my mom.

She's going to die or I'm going to die,

Never having that bond.

That was too frightening for me to accept.

It was also,

At the time,

It was too frightening for me to accept.

It was also frightening to accept that what I felt was real,

Which meant that all of my terror and all of my feelings were also real,

So I wasn't crazy.

I really didn't know what to do with that when I first started my recovery work.

I was like,

I don't know what to do with that.

It's really that bad.

There was a part of me that struggled with if I see it and I know it,

Then I can't unsee it,

And then I have to set a boundary.

It was the same thing in my marriage.

I knew once I saw it,

I couldn't unsee it,

And I wasn't going to be able to go back.

It's like toothpaste out of the tube.

I see it.

I can't go back.

We're codependent.

I think you're highly narcissistic.

You're not coming to the table.

You're withholding.

You're stonewalling me.

You're making this really difficult.

You're trying to tear me down.

You're trying to financially ruin me.

You're trying to take my kids away from me.

You're trying to turn my children against me.

You're making flying monkeys out of my family.

Once I could see it,

I couldn't unsee it,

And I knew I was going to have to set a boundary.

Same thing with my mom.

Once I could see it,

I was going to have to let her go,

And the little girl inside of me did not want to face that because I had yet learned the mental toughness skills.

I hadn't done the inner child recovery work.

I still struggled with subconscious false beliefs that I had to reprogram the subconscious mind.

But I will say that coming out of denial,

Seeing it for what it really was,

Embracing how bad it was,

Allowed me to validate my experiences,

And slowly,

Slowly,

Slowly,

Sticking to this regimen and method that I created,

I was able to claw out of the subconscious mind,

And I am the woman that I am today.

I am the mom that I am today.

I am the cycle breaker that I am today.

I'm very proud of that,

Not in a vain way,

Not in a self-righteous way.

I'm just really,

Really happy that I took my life experience and I decided to break the cycle.

I didn't go down with the ship like my mom did,

My grandmothers did.

I didn't do that.

And so I'm really happy about that,

Not even so much for me,

But for my children and for my little baby granddaughter who is reaping the benefits of her grandmother,

Some struggles that she will .

.

.

Most struggles she'll never know about.

It's not important to me whether or not my grandbaby knows that.

What's important to me that she's being raised by a far more mature,

Emotionally regulated mother because of the work that I've done.

Because it was because of me breaking the cycle,

I was able to become a far more conscious parent,

Conscientious parent,

Self-loving parent,

Non-codependent parent,

And I learned life skills that I was able to pass along to my daughters and my son so that they can make conscious choices about setting boundaries,

About honoring themselves,

About self-respect,

About staying tethered to the divine guidance system.

I will leave you with this.

When you are raised by a narcissistic mother,

I think one of the tragedies that we don't talk enough about is this idea that I cannot manifest a life of purpose and meaning while this trauma is still active because my brain is in survival.

To manifest what you want,

You have to feel in alignment with what you want.

If I have a narcissistic mother,

What I want is to be loved and accepted by her,

But that's a faulty premise because I will never be.

Now,

If I don't shift my focus,

Then I'm going to get stuck there aching,

Wanting,

Living in scarcity.

I will not line up with abundance and love,

Safety,

Security,

Contentment,

And all the things that I'm entitled to and you're entitled to as source incarnate,

If you will.

You're not going to be able to do that.

When I began to understand that,

Wow,

Living in this type of trauma,

Seeking her approval,

People-pleasing,

Feeling not good enough,

I'm not accessing my true emotions.

I'm not accessing what I really want and what I really feel because of this trauma response.

Having no contact with my parents for over a year and not even allowing them into my life for that length of time is when I did tremendous,

Tremendous work.

I was able to put things into perspective and accept,

Wow,

It really is that bad.

It didn't happen overnight,

But I began to morph like a butterfly from being a caterpillar,

Feeling less than,

Being afraid my mom was going to step on me,

To this beautiful butterfly where it was just like,

You're not the boss of me anymore.

I see you as a woman now.

I don't see you as a mom.

I see you as a person.

I see that you're very flawed.

I'm even able to see that you're flawed because of your trauma.

I don't have to hold resonance for that.

I can let you go,

But I have to let you know you can't push me around anymore.

I'm not 12.

If you want to be in my life,

Lady,

You better respect me as a person,

As a human.

Forget this parent-child situation.

I'm a human being and I deserve to be respected.

If you were someone I met on the street,

You wouldn't be in my life.

So I started to apply that thinking and those types of strategies to my relationship with my mother,

And eventually she got up to speed.

She was never able to connect with me on a heart level,

But she knew I wasn't playing and she developed,

I think,

Respect for me,

And I deserve that.

And that was the best that she and I could experience,

And I was happy for that because that was better than what we had.

And so I really hope that this session has been beneficial,

And if you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother,

That maybe you feel validated,

Maybe you feel more understood because that is so crucial to the healing journey.

Reviews

Thank you for this break down, really helpful

So great. Thank you.