Mature Loneliness

Toxic loneliness causes bone aching depression and anxiety. When we are unable to be alone with ourselves, we experience toxic loneliness. When we have mastered mature loneliness, we have learned to be one with the self rather than to rely on others as a source of our contentment. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano discusses what she refers to as mature loneliness.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about mature loneliness.

We've all experienced loneliness.

And it's really amazing when you think that you can be alone and not feel lonely.

I know that on my road to codependent recovery,

I realized that many of my faulty behaviors were tied to this bone-aching loneliness,

This fear of being not only alone,

But feeling lonely.

I liken it to being a three-year-old child on the Brooklyn Bridge,

Traffic coming both ways.

And I have no idea where my parents are.

I feel so vulnerable and so afraid and terrified,

Overwhelmed,

Hopeless,

Powerless,

Impending doom.

That's what loneliness feels like.

It feels like you're falling backwards into an abyss.

It's dark,

It's cold,

And you're going backwards.

You're free-falling,

And you're trying to grab for a wall to hold onto,

But there's nothing.

That's what loneliness,

Toxic loneliness,

Feels like.

And this is what drives a lot of our codependent behaviors.

This is what drives a lot of our fear of abandonment.

This is what drives our compulsion to become love addicts,

To fawn,

To acquiesce,

To subjugate ourselves to others,

To forego our own emotional needs for the sake of a relationship,

To stay in toxic relationships.

Because staying in a relationship allows us to avoid that free-falling experience,

Falling into our abandonment trauma,

Falling into this vat of loneliness that our inner child has experienced in their childhood.

I believe that we all have to embrace that space within us in order to be able to heal it.

I believe that we need to recognize that the loneliness exists,

And we need to find ways to stay in our body as we sort of create a floor.

Imagine that you acknowledging this abandonment,

You acknowledging this abyss,

What it does then,

It stops you from free-falling.

In other words,

Now there's the floor.

The self is the floor.

Here I am,

And I have the potential to catch myself.

I catch myself through acknowledging the loneliness.

I catch myself through the power of self-compassion.

Of course you're lonely.

Of course you feel this way.

Of course you're in fear.

Of course you've struggled,

Abandonment trauma.

Of course you feel this way.

How could it be any other way?

Look at what you've experienced.

What we're doing in this is we're witnessing our own childhood trauma.

Us,

Our own mind,

A higher aspect of ourselves is saying,

I see you dear one.

I know what you've been through.

I know how you feel,

And your feelings matter.

And so suddenly there's a floor to this abyss,

And now as I acknowledge myself,

This floor begins to move up.

So now I'm not falling anymore.

I'm actually raising myself up.

Out of what?

The subconscious mind,

And what happens in relationship to our personality.

We're growing up.

We're growing up.

We're coming up,

And we're growing up.

So we begin to recognize that we don't have to feel like we're three years old anymore.

We don't have to feel like that three-year-old on the Brooklyn Bridge all by ourselves anymore.

We don't have to be afraid of being alone.

We have the ability to say,

Yeah,

I feel a little lonely today.

Maybe I'll do blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

We don't shrink now because we feel lonely.

We say,

I know why I feel lonely.

We acknowledge why we feel lonely.

We go into this space of loneliness.

We recognize that loneliness is an experience.

What happens when we're experiencing loneliness and we're below the veil of consciousness,

We're experiencing loneliness from the perspective of the wounded inner child,

The three-year-old on the Brooklyn Bridge.

And so we become the loneliness.

There's no separation.

We fuse with the loneliness.

When I say mature loneliness,

What I'm talking about is developing the ability to observe the loneliness within to notice,

I'm feeling a little lonely tonight.

I have very little options right now.

It's a Saturday night.

All of my friends are married.

There are a couple of parties I know about.

I wasn't invited.

How does that make me feel?

I can sense loneliness within me.

I can sense this feeling of abandonment.

What would I have liked to have happened?

It would have nice to have been invited.

Then you have to reframe it.

But I wasn't,

And that's okay.

What do I have control over in this moment?

Well,

You know what?

I've been meaning to check out that art studio.

I've been meaning to read that book.

This is a great opportunity to go buy some great Epsom salt and some great essential oils.

This is a great opportunity for me to take that bath,

That 30-minute hot Epsom salt bath.

This is a great opportunity for me to go to the yoga studio or maybe do a yoga class online.

This is a great opportunity for me to just clean out that cabinet that I've been meaning to clean out that I've been putting off.

My point is that we have the ability within our minds to observe a feeling of loneliness,

Not from the perspective of the three-year-old who's standing naked on the Brooklyn Bridge and doesn't know where mommy and daddy is,

Who feels terrified.

If you notice that emotion inside of you through the lens of the abandoned inner child,

You're going to have the experience of the abandoned inner child.

When you look at it from the perspective of I am in control of me,

Higher self can observe the feeling of loneliness.

Higher self can take care of this feeling of loneliness.

My prefrontal lobe,

My neocortex has the ability to allow me to think about this in a different way.

I get to reframe this experience.

I get to acknowledge it,

Witness it,

Acknowledge it,

Validate it,

Have empathy and compassion for myself.

I call it WAVE,

Witness the experience,

Acknowledge the emotion,

Validate the emotion,

Have empathy for yourself and self-compassion,

And then get on with it.

Then move forward.

Then decide how you are going to self-care,

How you are going to acknowledge this experience and refuse to allow it to have you go down a rabbit hole without a bottom.

When you observe the feeling,

That's mature loneliness.

You don't have to go down the rabbit hole.

You don't have to feel like a victim of other people.

You can actually take this experience of feeling lonely and turn it into a victorious moment because that's in those feelings and those emotions and that space and that mental space of acknowledging this feeling of loneliness,

You have an opportunity to be the champion in your own life.

If you don't do this,

Then what will happen is the old programming will kick in.

The old ideas will kick in.

The old fears will kick in.

Your brain will begin to do what is always done.

Never forget that the programming is there.

Never forget that the neural wiring is there.

Never forget that your brain is 95% subconscious and that the 5% of you that is conscious is trying to undo and control and manage the 95% of you.

It is sort of like 100 wild horses in your mind and you've got control over five of them.

And now it's the job of the five of them to teach the 95% of them to calm the heck down,

To stop reacting,

To do something different,

To stop running down the cliff,

To stop running off the cliff,

To stop reacting to the possum in the woods,

To stop reacting to the thunder up ahead.

It is the job of the five horses to manage the emotions and the reactions of the 95 horses.

Think about horsepower.

The more horsepower you have in a car or an engine,

The more efficient it is,

The stronger it is.

And so the more momentum that we can create in the area of conscious thinking,

The greater control we will have over our emotions.

Is there anything better in life than to be able to regulate the way that you think and regulate your emotions?

Think about the power that that creates in you.

You are no longer a victim of what other people think,

A victim of what other people say,

A victim of what other people do.

You are now developing the power to observe what happens in the external world and to decide what you are going to do about it.

And so mature loneliness means that we're acknowledging the loneliness.

It means that we're witnessing,

Acknowledging,

Validating,

And having empathy for the feelings that we have.

But it also means that we're developing the way or the ability to create a floor.

And so that rabbit hole or that abyss now has a floor and like an elevator.

If I can continue to observe how I feel,

That elevator begins to move up,

Up,

Up,

Up,

Up,

And up and up.

And suddenly I'm not 10 floors down.

I'm right at ground zero.

I feel pretty balanced.

I feel pretty peaceful.

I've got control over this.

I found my inner Buddha.

I can laugh things off.

I can turn away from things.

I can speak no evil.

I don't have to talk about that thing.

I don't have to look at that thing.

I don't have to experience that thing.

I don't have to feel that thing.

I have control over how I want to feel.

It's okay that I've had these experiences of abandonment.

It's done.

It's water over the wheel.

It's okay that I have these experiences with being cheated on.

It's okay that I've had these experiences with family members.

It's okay.

I'm no longer attached to what's happened in the past.

I know why I feel abandoned,

But I also know now that through the power of thought,

Through the power of living above the veil,

I can choose to observe these experiences that are in me and recognize the loneliness as an experience,

And I can reframe it.

And I can look at this as an opportunity to absolutely change my life and to take better care of me.

If you do this consistently,

You will build momentum up in the area of self-love and self-care and what happens is you begin to heal up and seal up that hole in your heart where abandonment trauma used to live.

You're okay.

You're not fretting.

You're not resisting anymore.

And now suddenly your heart space,

Your heart chakra has been healed.

There are no more blockages.

You're okay.

And you are full of nothing but love for yourself.

You begin to vibrate at that level.

And soon enough,

You begin to attract people who can love you in that way in return.

Thank you so much for being here.

Reviews

Supportive and very insightful, just like Lisas' books, articles and huge body of work on these issues. Much appreciated 🙏🙏

This year was the first time I spent xmas alone. Along with this talk it reminded me of the power (wave) I once had. I must say it’s been difficult as of late to regain that. I often find compassion for others loneliness bc I can relate to how they feel. Is it possible for two people to be in a healthy relationship while working on their loneliness? Thank you so much for this 💙🙏🏽

Tears…so grateful for this talk. I find this the hardest emotion to self soothe but feel more empowered from this talk 🙏🏼 Thank you

This is very helpful I am struggling with abandonment issues from my childhood and young adulthood.

Really helpful for an 'elderly' woman, living alone with her dog...me! I have grandchildren and a handful of friends. My brain still works well and I still love learning. My life is plenty good enough, even blessed. The challenge is sometimes feeling, 'what's the point?' I know I'm not worthless, but I'm no one's priority. (Not sure I ever have been.) That's loneliness for me. And why little acts of kindness and caring are inordinately meaningful. This talk helps me to see that I'm actually doing ok. I'm on a good (enough) path. Thank you 🙏🏻 💕

Beautiful. Love the analogy of the five horses. Gave me an idea for my next tattoo!

Off to get an oil change, great opportunity to do all the stuff I put off when I’m busy!

This talk has made me aware how avoidance of being alone was linked to mostly to my past abandonment issues. Making me acknowledge this through Lisa’s information has transformed my perspective about me. Awareness is key. I thank you Lisa again being here.😄🙏🏻

This was so helpful to me because I won’t feel so “alone” and find something to do and feel better and not feel “lonely”. Thanks for enlightening me 🌸💖

There have been large swaths of my life where I've found myself alone, and at times the loneliness I feel it's hard to bear. I cope with it the best that I can, but the methods I often use are not sustainable over the long term (spending money unwisely, keeping constantly busy), etc. Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me other 'options'.

That was absolutely what I needed. I can’t wait to share with friends and family 🙏🏽✨

One of the best talks I have come across on this taboo subject. Great suggestions for self love and growth Thank you

I needed this lovely meditation. She has a great presence 🙏

I'm not tied to my past even though one of my family members tried to convince me I am.

Oh Lisa ... That was amazing I wish I'd discovered you years ago ❤

Wow. After throwing myself off a cliff over the weekend because of a relationship breakdown - which was never going to work - this made so much sense to me. It has given me something to work for, so I never feel as self destructive as I did in fear of loneliness and abandonment. Thank you so much.

That was great advice Linda and it really hit home with me. Thank you so much for what you do.

I need to listen to this over and over again. It really speaks to me. Thank you so much.

For me, this talk ended up being so much more then the topic of loneliness. The words spoken can help with various “stinking thinking” patterns. Thank you so much for your helpful and much needed talk .

🙏 Grateful 😊

This was such a wonderful listen. I appreciate how practical your advice is and I'm excited to use this wisdom the next time the opportunity presents itself.

Gave me hope ❤️