Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

If you are looking for love outside of you, hoping a relationship will help make you feel good enough, lovable, and worthy, you will inevitably look for love in all the wrong places. If you wish to truly find love, you must know yourself. If you do not know yourself, you will NOT reveal the real you to others. Instead, you may take on unrealistic expectations or maybe even become a chameleon in the hopes that someone might love you in return.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about looking for love in all the wrong places.

So what does it mean to look for love in all the wrong places?

What does it mean to end up feeling like you can't manifest a healthy relationship no matter how hard you try?

What does it mean to be somebody who goes into a relationship expecting the best but continually being disappointed?

It just seems that no matter how hard you try,

You end up with someone who is highly narcissistic or someone who is avoidant or someone who is just not that into you.

And it can be really frustrating,

Right?

Especially when you're someone who thinks you're doing everything right.

You are showing up your best self.

You are being attentive.

You're being empathic.

You're being considerate.

You're being kind.

You're being generous with your compliments.

What then could possibly go wrong or what keeps going wrong?

And why do so many of our relationships end up falling apart or end up disastrous?

And I think that we need to really be objective and humble and honest with ourselves when we start thinking about the patterns that we have in our lives that imply that we are doing something wrong when it comes to relationships.

This is not an easy thing to do,

Especially if you feel wounded,

Especially if you suffer from CPTSD,

Especially if you have codependency or you suffer with codependency symptoms or you're highly codependent.

And you have come from a home where you did not have the best role models for marriage and or relationships,

Where you may have felt that you were not good enough.

Perhaps the poem that you came from was emotionally neglectful or worse.

And you grew up feeling like you didn't belong.

You grew up feeling invisible.

In reality,

You never felt loved.

Even though the people in your life could have said those words,

I love you,

You never felt it,

You never believed it.

It seemed disingenuous when the people that you loved said they loved you.

And it was hard for you to believe it,

Which means that you did not feel safe and you did not trust the words that came out of your parents' mouth or your caretaker's mouth.

And I think that's really important to pay attention to and to not talk yourself out of.

I think what's really important is that we accept how we feel,

However we feel,

And that becomes our ground zero.

Because in order for you to get to where you want to go,

You have to accept where you are.

And if I feel that I felt unlovable or unloved as a child,

I have to accept that in order for me to understand the consequences of growing up feeling that way as a child.

Because from that space is born low self-esteem.

From that space of feeling unloved is the feeling of shame and feeling like I don't belong anywhere and I'm not a valid person.

From the space of perceiving myself as unloved and unlovable,

I develop the sense that my feelings are irrelevant and it's difficult for me to share myself.

So I develop a fear of sharing my emotions with other people.

And I carry all of these feelings into my adult relationships,

Albeit subconsciously.

We've heard that human beings are 95% unconscious 95% of the time,

Which is not good news,

Which means that there's someone else is steering the ship,

Right?

Even though we think we're steering the ship,

Our subconscious mind is really at really what's operating our boat or steering the wheel for us.

We just don't know it.

And so we enter into relationships oftentimes looking for love outside of us.

And that's the problem.

A huge problem many of us have,

And I think this is more often than not,

When we enter into adult relationships,

We're looking for something.

We're actually not only looking for a relationship,

But we're looking for the feeling of love.

We're looking for a way to feel loved,

A way to feel lovable.

Many of us enter into adult relationships actually looking for love.

And what I mean by that,

I mean that we're actually waiting and hoping that a relationship where someone outside of us will allow us to feel love and experience love.

And so we think that the love that we're looking for and need is outside of us.

And that's the problem.

When we are looking for love to complete us,

That's the problem.

When I think that I am only going to be good enough if I'm able to manifest a relationship,

That's the problem.

When I believe that there's going to be one person that's going to make up for all of the boo-boos that I've experienced in childhood,

That's the problem.

And a huge issue is that when we put our sense of self or we believe that I will be lovable or I am lovable if and when and only when I am able to find a relationship that mirrors this back to me,

Mirrors love back to me,

Then I put myself in a holding pattern.

I'm entering into relationships from a place of lack.

And you cannot attract love from a place of lack.

You can only attract more lack.

And it's hard,

Right?

You come from a dysfunctional home.

You grow up feeling unlovable.

You develop codependency as a survival skill.

And now you enter into relationships thinking that the answer is outside of you.

You end up subjugating your needs for the sake of the relationship.

You end up people pleasing,

Saying yes when you mean no.

And you think you're doing everything right.

And you would then attract someone who is just as flawed and who wants you to take care of them even though you want them to take care of you.

So it becomes a very codependent experience.

And so anyone that enters into a relationship with this mindset thinking and feeling that they're unlovable and then thinking and feeling and presuming,

Even if it's a subconscious feeling that when I find a relationship,

Then I will be happy.

And when I find this person who is able to love me,

And if I'm able to convince them I'm lovable,

Then I will be happy.

Then I will experience love.

You end up entering and attracting relationships that are bound to be destructive,

Bound to be toxic.

Because now what happens is,

Even though you don't realize it,

You can actually do things for someone.

And you may end up developing controlling behaviors because what you're trying to control in this situation is a sense of feeling seen,

Is a sense of feeling loved.

So we want to be aware that when we enter into relationships thinking and feeling and presuming that once I get the relationship,

Then I'm going to be happy,

We can become very controlling,

Even if we're not that aware of it.

People pleasing in some situations can be controlling because someone who is a people pleaser may be doing so to gain this person's affirmation or to gain their attention or to gain their praise or their friendship.

This isn't a black and white issue,

But it does happen.

You can be involved with a martyr who does everything for you,

Everything for you,

But what they want is they want you to do everything for them and everything for them.

So nothing is really done from the heart.

So these relationships are bound to fall apart in time or just be very,

Very toxic.

So what's the answer?

The answer is really to,

Before you enter into relationships,

Get very,

Very clear.

Are you looking for love?

Because if you're looking for love and you're not coming from love,

Then you're going to end up looking for love in all the wrong places.

You will end up with people who are highly narcissistic.

You will end up catering to people or enabling people or tolerating relationships that are unfulfilling.

So try to keep in mind that when you enter into the dating field or you are looking for a mate,

If you are looking for a mate from the position of,

I am not enough and I will be if I can convince this person to love me or if I can fall in love or if I find a mate,

Then I will be loved,

Then you're looking for love in all the wrong places and you're looking for love in the wrong way.

So the goal really is to be very,

Very fair with ourselves and objective and to identify if this is our operating system.

Is this the way that we behave in relationships?

This is really below the veil of consciousness.

Is this what I'm doing?

Because if it is,

You're going to look for love in all the wrong places,

Guaranteed.

So what can you do about it?

Well,

You have to work on what it is that has wounded you.

You have to do a little bit of or a lot of inner child healing.

You have to figure out why it is that you don't feel lovable.

You have to figure out why it is that you feel like you need someone to complete you.

You really have to learn to love yourself,

To accept yourself,

To be self-compassionate,

To have empathy for the self,

And to really dig deep inside your own self so that you know that you have a right to take care of yourself.

You have a right to self-care.

You have a right to know what you think.

You have a right to know what you feel.

You have a right to honor yourself and to live out loud and to set boundaries when necessary.

You see,

When you know who you are and you love yourself,

You find value in yourself,

That is the person you bring to that first date.

And you sit in a seat and you just be your true self,

And then you open up to experiencing this other person.

And you listen and you see what happens.

You see if this person's personality actually fits your personality.

Do you share the same values?

In order for you to even answer that question,

You have to know what your values are.

Do you have the same goals in life?

Well,

In order to evaluate that question fairly,

You have to know what your goals are in life.

The key to looking for love in all the right places is finding love inside yourself.

Finding love inside yourself means that you know who the self is.

You know what you like.

You know what traits you want to meet.

You have to become the partner you want to manifest.

So I think the best thing to do is to work on becoming the best version of yourself.

If you want an honest partner,

Then you have to learn to be more honest.

If you want a partner who is financially responsible,

You have to work on becoming financially responsible.

Do you want a partner that loves children or do you want a partner that wants children?

You have to clarify that for yourself.

Do you want children?

And when you meet someone,

Are you able to tell this person when it comes up eventually that these are the types of things that I want?

I would like children one day.

I'd love to travel.

I would like to do my traveling one day.

These are the ways you are able to weed out whether or not the partner sitting across from you at this table or potential partner is actually a good fit for you.

You see,

If you don't know who you are,

If you don't know what you like,

If you don't know what you want,

Then who and what are you bringing to that table?

You may end up falling into chameleon-like behaviors just to secure a partner,

And that is a relationship that is destined to be doomed.

And far too many people do this.

They go into a relationship looking for love,

Wanting to secure this person as a form of love,

An opportunity to be loved,

And they sit in their seat trying to figure out what it is the other person wants them to be.

So they become chameleon-like.

And this,

Like I said,

Is just not going to end well.

So any time you twist yourself into a pretzel to try to convince someone else that you're good enough,

You are looking for love in all the wrong places.

Try to remember that those of us who end up looking for love in all the wrong places aren't looking for love inside the self first,

And that really is what can turn your life around.

Before I understood what codependency was,

Before I really became trauma aware,

Before I really did my homework and figured out the pieces of the puzzle that I was,

I didn't understand what it was I was doing wrong and why I was not picking relationships that were really good for me.

I was really settling for relationships by default when I could have been a lot more choosy,

When I could have been a lot more selective than I actually was.

Prior to my awakening,

I wasn't very selective at all.

And it's just a reality.

And bringing into all these relationships my childhood wounds that I was not aware of didn't work out well.

And so my suggestion is to anyone who's interested in learning about how to find love in all the right places,

Understand that you start with you.

You find.

.

.

I know it sounds hippy dippy,

But it's true,

Dear one.

It really is true.

I mean,

I'm going to be 57,

And I can tell you that if when I was 37,

If someone would have said,

Look for love inside yourself first,

I would have been,

Yeah,

Right.

Okay,

Sure.

That's so hippy dippy.

I really would have.

And if I was 27 listening to that advice,

They'd be like,

Oh,

That's just something that you see on a bumper sticker.

If you want love,

Look inside yourself first,

Right?

But it's true.

I'm someone who was looking for love in all the wrong places and never found love.

I found dysfunction and eventually learned to love myself and to respect myself.

And I got very,

Very clear about what type of life I wanted to live,

What type of partner I wanted to share my life with,

And what type of values I held dear to my heart.

And I didn't waver.

And I held onto this idea that I had a right to manifest this type of a relationship and to feel this way in a relationship.

And in not such a long time,

I was able to manifest my husband,

Anthony.

And we have a tremendous amount in common.

We're different and we celebrate one another's differences.

I don't try to change him.

I'm done with that stuff.

That's just silly stuff.

That's what we do when we're young.

We live below the veil of consciousness.

We're codependent and we don't get it,

Right?

But as we heal,

We become more wise.

We have many,

Many more experiences.

We begin to understand what it is that we were doing wrong.

So my advice to anybody who is trying to get this relationship thing off the ground is to really focus on yourself first.

Get very,

Very clear about who you are and don't settle.

Get very,

Very clear about what your deal breakers are.

I know what my deal breakers are and you should know what your deal breakers are.

In case a deal breaker shows up,

You know what you got to do,

Right?

If you don't know what your deal breakers are,

If you don't know what your must haves are,

Then you will end up in relationships by default.

And if you're not careful,

You end up staying in those relationships rather than ending them,

Which so many of us do,

Too often.

So if you want to find love in all the right places,

All you have to do is look right there in the middle of your heart and learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself for who you are,

Where you are,

And where you have been.

Put some time into figuring out what it is that you love to do.

What are your likes?

What are your dislikes?

What are your must haves and what are your deal breakers?

And the next time you go out on a date,

Make sure that you show up your true,

Authentic self.

Don't change yourself for anyone.

Don't try to figure out what this person wants you to be.

Just be you.

And if this person is in resonance with you and you feel like this person is able to bounce back and have empathy for you and you feel like you can get to the next stage,

Maybe go on a second date,

Try it.

But don't rush it.

Take it slow because we all know that narcissists wear a false mask and they say whatever they possibly can say to get us hooked.

So the slower we take our relationships,

Sometimes the better because a narcissist will try to rush things.

They'll try to fast track you.

They'll try to get that hook in your cheek really,

Really fast.

And that's to daze you.

That's to confuse you.

That's to help you become drunk in their idealization of you.

Don't fall for it.

Take your time to get to know someone.

Take your time to reveal yourself to a person that you're dating.

And hopefully in a short amount of time,

You will be able to manifest the love that you deserve and that you desire and that you already are.

Namaste everybody.

Until next time.

Bye now.

Reviews

Very helpful

Must listen to again and again.

So well said. You opened my eyes to a part of me the was behind the veil of consciousness before ❤

This is very helpful as all your talks are, I love learning from you. Thank you Lisa
Namaste 💕💫💕