Is Ego Running Your Relationships

Human nature is dualistic. We are ego and flesh and yet spirit and space all at the same time. Water flows through us, yet we are not the water itself; it is with ego. While ego is a part of our personality self, it is not our true self. When we are not aware of how the subconscious ego manifests itself in our thoughts, emotions, perceptions, beliefs, intentions, expectations, and behaviors, it is safe to say our relationships are in for some tough times. Although relationships are opportunities to heal, all too often, the untrained mind becomes arrested within ego consciousness.

This episode is a call to think better and commit oneself to the conscious healing path so that each of us can be assured that we, as individual carnations of the one Source of all Creation, which is love, are the stream of consciousness through which we willfully choose to see others and ourselves.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

So today we're going to be talking about how we can be assured mentally and emotionally and spiritually,

As well as vibrationally.

How can we be assured that our ego is not running our relationship?

How can we be assured that our ego is not in control of our reactions to other people's egos?

One of the things that I do with all of my channels is I speak from my heart.

I have found that transparency is an amazing,

Amazing tool when wishing to explain a complex subject to others,

Not only for my own mental and emotional state of being,

My own sense of balance spiritually.

Because let's face it,

You can be highly intellectual and completely absent-minded when it comes to emotions,

Like completely detached.

That's why you'll notice that you know people who are in relationships with people who are highly mechanical in their thinking.

And you'll hear the spouse complain,

I can't reach her,

Or I can't reach him,

Or they're always reasoning my emotions out and I feel unseen.

You are unseen because someone who has a very logical brain,

A very,

I would say,

Rational brain even,

But someone who is too mechanical,

Too linear,

Misses the boat when it comes to understanding what it is to be human.

It is human to feel.

It is human to make a mess out of your life.

It is human to react to things that you can't control.

It is human to find yourself in situations where you're being judged by others.

That triggers you.

And you sort of like fall into a little black hole for a little while,

Or sometimes it's a big black hole.

The longer you stay on the conscious healing path,

The less deep that hole becomes,

The less wide that hole is.

In other words,

You start to find a bottom.

So it's not that you may never fall back into a black hole,

It's that you take the bounce quicker and you become more emotionally resilient.

Now if someone tries to attack you or accuse you of things that you are not guilty of,

Or they have postured themselves as a victim to you,

Which I have found in my life,

Almost 60 years now,

Most times people are accusing other people of not what they do,

But of what they don't do.

We accuse people of not doing enough for us,

Not paying enough attention to us.

And when you really dissect that,

It comes down to somebody,

In my opinion,

Who has either it could be unrealistic expectations of someone else,

Or is not fair in their analysis,

In their self-analysis.

And in lots of cases,

This is somebody who reacts versus responds,

Who acts before they step into the shoes of curiosity.

What could I have done to cause this person to not invite me to that party?

What is going on with that party?

Maybe this party is just for people my friend went to grammar school with.

Maybe that's why I wasn't invited to the party.

But in most cases,

When ego gets triggered,

There's an emotional reaction,

And without thinking,

We open our mouths,

And we release our negative vibrations,

Our low vibrations out into the universe.

We cause a chain reaction within the quantum field.

We hurt other people's feelings,

We judge other people,

Or they're doing it to us.

But it is a chain reaction,

And the more control that we can gain over our emotional state day to day,

The more we focus,

No matter how old we are,

You can start this journey at any stage in your life and leave the 3D world much calmer and much more peaceful than yesterday.

I don't know about you,

Dear one,

But that's what I'm going to try to do.

Because mastering the self through the mastering of consciousness is everything.

So many people,

And I think we're coming out of this phase,

But so many people seek spiritual leaders,

Seek spiritual gurus in the hopes that they will enlighten them.

It doesn't work that way.

You have to do the practical psychology.

You have to develop the rational mind.

If you are highly emotional,

And if you are highly logical,

And aloof from your emotions or detached,

Then in your case,

We would work in the emotional realm,

Helping you to become unfrozen,

Helping you thaw out.

We would help you figure out where are those emotions in your body,

And how can we cultivate an aliveness within you that makes you feel alive,

That makes you capable of connecting with your emotions in a delicious way.

Once we do that,

Then we have to make sure that you're managing that energy properly through your perceptual lens.

If you walk through life feeling like you're not good enough,

You're going to find someone who you believe is deliberately trying to make you feel not good enough.

Let me say that again.

If you walk through life feeling not good enough,

That's trauma.

You will undoubtedly,

Because of the way we create reality through our thoughts,

Our feelings,

And our perceptions,

The way that we are unaware of this incredibly strong ego,

Which is the body,

Which is the subconscious mind,

Until awakened.

Our journey is us learning to how to manage this lion within us.

In 12 Steps,

We talk about managing our lion in the sense,

How do I take my lion for a walk today without it destroying someone else or growling at someone else just for getting a little too close to me?

How do I not react to every emotion and every thought and every feeling?

How do I not project my trauma wound onto someone else?

Because that's what ego does.

And ego,

Actually our psychology,

The psychology of ego,

The personality,

Which is ego,

Believes that every thought and every feeling is a fact.

And in practical psychology,

If we use this idea of practical psychology,

That's irrational.

Feelings are not facts.

They are indicators.

They let me know where I am right now.

Where I am is where I focus.

Where I focus,

I,

The greater part of me,

The more conscious part of me,

Can control at will if I develop that muscle.

We go to the gym,

We work out our butts,

We work out our abs,

We work out our thighs.

I know all about it.

I was a personal trainer.

I had my own personal training business.

I know all about working out for a desired outcome.

I know all about the need for stress at a certain resistance level in order to create a change in a muscle fiber,

In a muscle group.

It is the same when it comes to flexing the muscle of consciousness.

Most people don't want to do it.

They don't have time to meditate.

They don't have time to journal.

They don't have time for a coaching program that's going to cause them to sit their butt down and do this work.

I'm too busy.

Okay,

Sure,

Fine.

That's a choice.

I realized that when my life was falling apart and I was getting more and more unhealthy.

A doctor said to me,

You better listen to your body because your body is listening to you.

If you fell asleep right now,

Lady,

You'd die.

That's how swollen my lungs were.

I decided to make a choice.

I knew I had to make a change.

And those changes were hard and ego doesn't want to have to change.

Ego is always going to default.

Whatever's going on inside of me is because of what someone said or didn't say or didn't do outside of me.

That is not the case unless we are children.

When we are children,

We are completely powerless.

And as adults,

When we go out into the world and we are no longer under the thumb of a narcissistic parent,

When we are no longer under the thumb of our alcoholic parent,

Our emotionally neglectful parent,

All of that,

Which has been experienced has become a program,

A pattern.

And that is the nature of the ego.

Whatever wounds have happened outside of me that were caused by outside of me are now inside of me and due to the nature of the mind,

Which is there are two streams of consciousness.

Right now,

You are highly conscious because you're listening to my words.

I am formulating pictures in your mind.

I am helping you understand different concepts.

Right now,

Your neocortex,

Your prefrontal lobe are firing.

You're trying to digest information you wanted to apply to you.

That's magnificent,

Dear one.

Imagine if you never stopped.

Imagine if you did this,

You listened to podcasts like this or information like this.

You took coaching classes like this.

Imagine if you dedicated your life to learning about consciousness,

Learning about how to manage your ego so your ego is not running your relationships.

What would happen in your relationships?

Well,

What would happen is that many of them would fall apart and good riddance,

Good riddance.

Because what happens when you're in a relationship with someone who's low,

Who's got low vibrations,

They want to pull you there.

And how they pull you there most often is they posture themselves as a victim and they tell you about all the things that you've never done for them.

Right?

Basically,

What they're revealing is I have all of these rules in my head that define what love is.

That's not love,

By the way.

Love just is.

Love isn't a rule.

So when people come to you and they insinuate that you haven't done enough for me,

You didn't do this for me,

You didn't do enough of what I expected you to do,

Just understand,

Dear one,

They are not loving you.

And if you're not careful,

If you're not careful,

Your ego will either feel really bad,

Well,

Maybe I'm wrong,

Maybe I didn't do enough for this person.

And if you're a healthy person,

You'll self-reflect and you'll get to a point where you're able to,

Through logic and reason,

Through empathy,

Flesh out whether or not this person is being fair in their analysis of you.

And if they're not being fair in their analysis of you,

This is someone that you don't want to react to because going back and forth with this person is exactly what this low vibrational creature wants.

When I was married to my first husband,

It was a constant back and forth of,

What'd you do for my family,

What do you do for my sister,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And from my perspective,

I was doing so much,

I couldn't do any more.

But when you're living with someone who postures themselves as the one needing the control in the relationship,

Which is their ego,

Their ego's in this relationship,

And when you are unaware of what's happening in those dynamics,

You might respond with fawning or freezing or running away,

Isolating or fighting,

Which is all the trauma responses or ego responses,

Which are valid,

By the way,

But do we really want to go through life with our ego running the ship?

I know that I don't.

If you look out into the world,

Just read social media posts,

How privilege on both sides of the aisle,

The privilege that I have the right to say something really cruel and nasty to you because I know based on the color of my skin or my gender or my orientation,

I'm going to get away with it.

That is ego.

Sorry,

I don't want anything to do with that.

I'm going to try my best to live a life of meaning and purpose and non-reactivity and objectivity.

Even if I've done something wrong to offend you and I have a moment of reflection,

I don't want my ego to run into a defense mechanism and defend that posture,

Defend that negative energy or those negative vibes.

I want to be accountable for the intentions I'm sending you.

Why wouldn't I want to do that?

My ego does not want to do that.

My higher self calls me to do that,

And when I act outside of that code,

I feel negative emotion.

You want to make sure,

Dear one,

On this path that you are checking yourself.

If you want to know whether or not your ego is running your relationship,

It's really important that you take quiet time for yourself,

Quiet time to reflect,

Quiet time to figure out,

Am I in a trauma response?

Am I fawning?

Am I running away?

Am I pushing this person away?

Am I fighting this person?

What is my perception of self?

Am I insecure?

Do I tend to judge people?

Have I asked this person why they feel this way?

Or have I just jumped into the seat of I'm the victim and you've hurt me,

You haven't done enough for me?

Has this person really done anything to me except not meet my expectation?

Does this person even know what my expectation is?

Am I being curious right now or critical of this person?

When you're being curious about the nature of someone's behavior or their words or their opinions of you,

Then ego is not running the ship.

That is you from a higher state of emotional intelligence collecting data.

And so when ego is running the ship,

You are in a complete reactive mode.

How do you know you're in a reactive mode?

You're angry.

You are unhappy.

You feel like a victim.

Your ego is telling you,

See,

This is why I am a victim.

This is why this person is this way.

And your ego wants to justify all of your actions.

So you take some action that you can't take back.

You start talking about your best friend or it depends on what seat you're in.

It could be you,

Ego's running your ship.

You start talking about some action that your friend took against you.

Maybe they didn't like your picture on Instagram.

Maybe they liked another person's picture on Instagram,

But you're legitimately offended by this.

And it makes sense to you.

It is Instagram,

By the way,

So powerful.

Likes are like a commodity.

If I give you a like,

You should give me a like.

That's a rule.

And that's ego.

That's ego looking for a system that allows it to remain in control and unfortunately power over others because the minute you don't do what I think you should do or I give you something and you don't acknowledge it,

I'm in the power seat.

I have the right to accuse you of hurting me.

The question is,

Has this person hurt you or do you have a rule in your head that is hurting you?

And what would life be like if you didn't operate with those rules?

What if you could create inner peace?

What if you decided to take wounds and turn them into wisdom?

What if you refuse to allow your ego to cause you to see people as objects of needing to protect yourself from them?

Because when you walk through life,

When ego walks through life running your world,

You walk through life in survival.

And until you work that out,

Everyone becomes a potential perpetrator.

And when people don't behave the way you want them to,

Your ego defense mechanism will cause you to go into survival.

Part of survival is deciding that you are a perpetrator,

That you're a predator.

And if you're a predator,

I have every right to defend myself against you,

Accuse you of things,

Behave unfairly towards you,

And to judge you.

That doesn't work in a relationship,

Especially a romantic relationship.

That doesn't work in a relationship with a mother and a child.

I can tell you that I grew up with a mother who saw me that way.

There was nothing that I could do that was good enough.

No matter how often I tried to please this woman,

Who was a wounded adult child of two alcoholic parents,

Who was stressed out of her mind,

Who married a highly narcissistic 20-year-old young boy,

Who liked to party with his friends,

Who liked to gamble,

Who liked to go bowling,

Who cheated on her before they even got married,

And God knows what he did after,

That woman was full of conflict.

And it was very difficult for her to love herself.

And I,

As her child,

I was the one she projected all of that on.

My mother was a victim of her circumstances as a child.

And my mother saw me as a perpetrator.

I was the reason she raged.

I was the reason she couldn't be happy.

I was the reason that the house was upset.

No.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I was a child.

The problem was within my mother's consciousness.

My mother's ego,

Wounded 12-year-old ego,

The 12-year-old inside of her that said,

If I get married,

If I have a daughter,

If I have a child,

If I do everything right,

My life's going to work out.

If I do X,

Y,

And Z,

Another rule of ego,

If I do this,

My life's going to be peaches and cream,

BS,

BS.

Whatever's inside of you,

You project outside of you.

My mother had a rule.

Her reality did not line up with that rule because my mother's baseline's emotions,

Her baseline,

What I talk about in quantum fields,

Her emotional set point was negative.

Her emotional set point was shame.

Her emotional set point was depression.

It was anxiety.

My mother had anxious energy.

She could not control her energy because she couldn't control her thoughts.

She couldn't control her emotions.

You know what happens when you can't control your thoughts and you can't control your emotions?

You cannot control your behavior.

You cannot control the words that come out of your mouth,

And you hurt people,

And people hurt you.

You can stay trapped in this dilemma,

In this dynamic for the rest of your life,

Which is exactly what happens to my mother.

This is a sobering lecture today.

This is a sobering podcast because that's how important your thoughts are.

That's how important your emotions are.

That's how important emotional regulation is.

That's how important mental science is.

That's how important living a conscious life above the veil of consciousness,

Refusing to allow the lion inside of you to decide what you see in the outer world,

In yourself as well as others.

It is absolutely essential to ensure your ego is not in control of your relationship.

The only way to do that is to get quiet.

It is to do self-inquiry work.

It is to meditate.

It is to learn how to ground yourself.

Sometimes that includes breathing,

But in all of it,

It includes a dissecting and appealing a way of unhealthy thoughts.

In my opinion,

My path has been understanding the psychology of the unconscious self,

And from that perspective,

Expanding awareness,

Which is beyond consciousness.

I could be aware of my state of consciousness.

They're not the same thing.

I'm living in a divine state of self-inquiry from the plane of awareness,

Knowing that I am not my thoughts.

I am the master of my thoughts if I choose the conscious path.

I am the master of my emotions if I choose the conscious path.

I am the master of my life,

Of my reality,

If I choose the conscious path.

For those of us here who are choosing that conscious path,

It's really important that just like if you had silent reflux,

Which my husband is dealing with now,

It has to be managed daily.

This is not something that my husband can choose to do on Monday and not do on Tuesday and pick up again on Wednesday.

It is forever.

Expanding your consciousness and developing self-awareness is a forever journey,

And if you are committed to that journey,

Then your life is going to improve a little bit more each and every day.

There's no spiritual bypassing here.

This work is tedious,

But it's necessary for the true person,

The person who wants to truly grow,

Truly mentally,

Emotionally,

Spiritually develop inner self,

Who wants to understand the mechanics of the human mind and how emotions,

Behavior,

How thoughts all fit into the nature of our reality.

So when you're in a relationship with someone else's ego,

You will feel confused.

You will feel judged.

You will feel like you're walking on hot coals.

You will feel dizzy.

You will feel like they are sending darts your way.

You will feel like the worst person on earth because this person,

From their ego's perspective,

You've wounded them,

And in their unawareness,

They don't recognize that they walk through life feeling like a victim,

And maybe they were as a child,

And that's justified.

And unless that person awakens and realizes their ego is in this relationship,

They will continue to project their reality,

Their inner reality on you.

And if you're not careful,

They'll pull you into that reality,

And you will spend the rest of your life fawning after their approval,

And it will never work.

I hope this conversation has been helpful.

Reviews

It all makes so much sense! I am on the right track (thanks to your other eye-opening talks and meditations), and this one will assist me in maintaining that forward momentum. Thank you so much for sharing your gift!

I am so happy I found you. You make me feel sane bc my thoughts are coming out of your mouth. I also love how direct and to the point you are. Most of the people on this app are not. I like that for sleep, but when I need a good “get your shit together” moment, I’m listening to you. You are genuine, real, and have me convinced you are actually doing this to help people and not just make money. Although I’m paying for premium…. You’re still great, thank you 😆

Powerful and yet easy to understand talk. I listen to all your talks, but this one really opened my eyes in a practical sense. In a helpful way that I can apply to all my relationships past and present thanks, Lisa.

Great as usual.