How Emotionally Intelligent People Set Boundaries

Emotionally intelligent people set boundaries in healthy ways because they do not attach to outcomes. This is just one of the tips offered by Lisa A. Romano Life Coach and bestselling author in this podcast episode. Have you ever wondered how to stand up for yourself with difficult people? If so, this podcast episode will drop the truth bombs you need to set boundaries like a boss.

Transcript

In order to set a boundary,

You need to be able to see into the future and recognize what's going to happen If I don't set this boundary Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa a Romano.

I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast Being able to stick up for yourself is recognizing that and identifying Why you need to express yourself like you have to have the ability of foresight You have to know that uh-oh if I don't put a boundary in place now Xy and Z is going to happen and I think lots of us who struggle with standing up for ourselves when we freeze We're not thinking about what's going to happen in the future if we don't end this now We're thinking or we're overwhelmed by a panic response Our limbic brain has been activated and we're so caught up in the freeze response that we're not thinking about the future We're just thinking about now like we're in pain now.

This person's upset with us now We don't have the resources or the skill set to push back We're just in pure panic mode our brainwashing tells us that it's our fault that this person is saying this to us We're so upset that this person doesn't like us.

We're upset about how this person feels We're feeling all sorts of guilt and shame And so we're just overwhelmed in order to set a boundary you need to be able to see into the future and recognize What's going to happen if I don't set this boundary?

My mom never set a boundary with my dad and I think if she had been able to look ahead rather than get stuck all the time and not feeling like she was his equal and feeling super responsible for keeping him happy if she had had the ability of foresight if she had had the ability of insight and Recognized if I don't shut this guy down now,

What's it gonna be like when I'm 70 72?

And what's it gonna be like when I get older and sadly when my mom had a stroke?

My dad was angry for a lot of reasons and when she needed him He was there in some ways been lots of ways He wasn't lots of ways He was very angry that my mother had a whole bunch of needs and she could no longer Acquiesce to him and you need to learn to believe that you can express yourself in an appropriate manner.

This is huge So like when you need to stick up for yourself,

It's not about Becoming this big grizzly bear and screaming and yelling and losing your cool It's not about making sure that the other person feels this big.

No,

That's not what this is about sticking up for yourself is Recognizing that I have a right to express myself in this situation And I know how to keep calm and cool and I'm going to express my emotions appropriately without putting the other person down without character assassinating the other person without coming off like I am out of control and So being able to stick up for yourself Requires you to be able to express yourself calmly intelligently Knowing what boundary has been crossed knowing why you need to set the boundary and you also have to know That you have the right to express yourself in this way Another thing to think about when you want to push someone back is that you cannot be tied to an outcome you cannot Presume that because you say something the other person is going to listen to you And so just because you say hey I don't like when you come into my room and you go through my closets without Asking me that does not mean your roommate is going to listen to you It might mean that your roommate is just going to say sure.

Okay,

I get it I'll never do it again.

And when you're at work your roommate does it again?

And so when you're sticking up for yourself,

It's important that you're recognizing.

This is your first step at Negotiating what has just taken place?

With the hopes that this person can hear you is going to honor you and isn't going to do it again So you're not tied to the outcome another thing to think about When you're wanting to push a person back so that you can stick up for yourself is that your piece cannot be tied to the idea that this person's character or reactions or Behavior is going to absolutely change It's almost like you have to be very loosey-goosey about it in the sense that I'm gonna open my mouth I'm gonna tell you what I think I'm gonna tell you what I need.

I'm gonna say it maturely I'm not going to character assassinate anyone I'm going to just become about what it is that I think and feel is taking place at the same time You're not tied to an outcome and you are not Thinking that because you opened your mouth this guarantees.

The other person is going to change I think it is immature of someone to Say something to their partner and think that just because you said something Your partner is going to change when we're negotiating a boundary.

We're actually in negotiations We're saying this is what I think and this is what I feel now I want to see what you think and what you feel and now I'm gonna hold on to myself and see if your behavior Changes what you're looking for is you want to see if this person values you you want to see if this person actually Listen to you.

Does this person have empathy for you?

Is this person fair?

Is this person interested in a reciprocal?

Relationship or partnership with you when you want to push someone back and stick up for yourself You have to accept the consequences so again,

You have to state your case,

But you also have to be loose and Untethered to an outcome So if you're going to confront your best friend about talking about you behind your back or hearing through another friend That your best friend was talking about you poorly behind your back if you're going to talk to your friend about that You have to accept the consequences.

You have to be able to have insight and foresight you have to be able to imagine what your friend is going to say and you have to Understand that however,

She responds is how she is going to respond And so if she gets angry you have to accept the consequences of that if she no longer wants to be your friend you have to accept the consequences of that if she's gonna go and text your friend who told you what she said and This gets bigger and bigger and bigger that all has to be part of the consequences Accepting the consequences of an outcome that you could not control And so when we confront someone we always have to recognize that we're not in control of the outcome because you're not in control of the other person and Whatever happens next you have to be willing to accept those consequences So you catch your boyfriend lying you catch your girlfriend cheating and you want to stick up for yourself you want to tell the person that you trusted them to be faithful and You have reason to believe that they are unfaithful You must accept how you feel Accept that you have a right to express your need express your want trust your intuition Codependents are notorious for talking themselves out of trusting their intuition if you've come from a narcissistic background meaning your childhood or if you were raised by a narcissist or if you were in a narcissistic relationship for any extent of time You may have been gas lit and trauma bonded to the point where you no longer trust your instincts So you're learning to stick up for yourself.

You're learning about boundaries You're learning about Speaking your truth and staying in your body and honoring how you feel and so you confront the person that you think has been Unfaithful you have to accept the consequences of confronting this person This person might react very well.

This person might react poorly But the idea is that when you confront this person whatever happens next so if they say that They think that you're crazy or if they say that they think that you're just insecure or if they lie again You have to go walk through this process all over again meaning that accept how you feel think about what you're listening to and walk through the stages of in the moment of Continually sticking up for yourself while remaining cool.

I know it's not easy It's not easy to do this I'm just giving you a template that you can use and that you can practice so that you understand you can't control the outcome Once you stick up for yourself,

But you have to accept the consequences Ultimately,

You're in control meaning you can go gray rock.

You can shut t shut t you can go no contact You can block people on social media you can end your relationship you can file for divorce you can move out of the apartment You know you could move across the country you can move to Strike your partnership as null and void you can speak to an attorney There are so many things that you can get up and walk out of the room You can end the conversation on the phone.

You can shut your phone off like you don't have to tolerate Being abused now lots of times when you stick up for yourself the person that you are confronting isn't going to be happy Because lots of times when we're highly agreeable We tend to attract people who are highly Disagreeable and they like us because you're agreeing with them,

Which is good for them You're not confronting them.

You're easy to tolerate.

You're easy to be around because you're not going to confront them It's difficult when you start sticking up for yourself when you start setting a boundary people usually like this who can be Antisocial who could even be clingy with you and just want you to be their source of everything When you start pushing that person back,

They're not going to be happy And that's why I think it's important that when you stick up for yourself You have to recognize that you have to accept the consequences of that And if you need to set a stronger boundary,

Then you need to set the boundary You need to go all the way you can't back down once you begin setting a boundary

Reviews

Excellent advice. I hope several friends of mine will listen to this also.🙏💖🙏

🙏🏼

Thank you so much. This was very helpful! My dad passed away this summer, and there is turmoil with a family member. I have been struggling with how to approach it, and I do know that I want to remain calm. You spoke to my heart when you said, I don’t have control over the outcome! However the best thing that I can do is remain calm. So that is my current struggle and I will do my best to keep my vibe high and my emotions in check with the understanding that I have no control over what happens with this family member as long as I stay calm, even when staying calm has left me sad and felt like I was attacked by this family member.. I may not like the outcome, in fact right now it leaves me very sad because I know my father would not want this for my family, and again, knowing that the outcome is out of my control, helps ease my mind as I go into the weekend and will see this family member. Peace to you.

Great

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Thank you for everything been following you for the last 2 years and it made a huge impact in my life ♥️🙏

Most people intheUSA get offended..well…screw em. No more crossing boundaries after the inner work done and always continue as needed. Entitled people hate boundaries which narcs are indeed. Because I’ve healed many old wounds etc…..these people hardly cross my path nowadays and I stick with my NO. Once codependent, no more codependent.

Thank you Lisa! 🙏❤️🦋💯

Great advice as always. And I will say again, as I say every time that I've listened to one of your talks--if only I had known this stuff 40 years ago. 🤷