Fantasy Thinking Caused by Abandonment Trauma

Childhood abandonment can lead to love addiction. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano discusses how feeling abandoned in childhood is tied to survival and love addiction. If you have ever felt addicted to love, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Dear Lisa,

I am a love addict and I am addicted to relationships.

The last relationship I had almost killed me.

I am watching your videos and I realize I am most likely in withdrawal.

I have struggled with eating disorders in the past,

But this seems so much harder.

Any insights would be appreciated.

So today we're going to be talking about relationship withdrawal,

Love addiction withdrawal,

And why it is so difficult to heal from this type of an addiction.

I have my own theory.

I am somebody who I believe was a love addict.

I believe that love addiction,

Like Pia Melody believes,

Is rooted in abandonment,

The fear of abandonment.

If you have a fear of abandonment,

You know,

That means that you've been abandoned.

Hello.

You know what it feels like.

If you have been bitten by a dog,

You have a fear of dogs because the dog bit you and you have an experience of pain and your brain is designed to avoid pain and the brain is designed to remember painful events.

Why?

So you can avoid them in the future.

The problem is that we are stuck focusing on the pain.

We are stuck trying to avoid future painful events and we're not operating consciously.

So we really don't understand the mechanisms by which we're operating.

And so when we are come from homes where we have experienced abandonment,

We become adults that have attachment issues.

We attach to everything.

In some cases we attach to nothing,

Which is also very sad,

Obviously.

But when we are people who are codependent and we have suffered from abandonment trauma and attachment trauma,

That means that we haven't received this something that we needed.

And this something that we needed,

In my opinion,

Is rooted in our need to survive.

So it's rooted in our innate survival mechanism.

I am designed and you are designed as tiny little infant human beings,

As newborns,

To come and to secure a healthy attachment.

You come,

This innocent little fragile newborn,

Completely dependent upon the people who have created you,

Right?

And so you come into this world needing these people.

Needing what?

Needing to be fed,

Needing to be sheltered,

Needing to go to a doctor and be taken care of.

But what will secure your ability long time to survive,

Really,

Which will enhance it,

Is being able to connect with others,

Right?

And so when you come into this world and you experience abandonment,

When you are born to a mother who,

For whatever reason,

Cannot connect to you,

When you are given up for adoption,

When you are pushed around in foster care,

When you are taken from your mother or taken from your family for any reason and separated from your family,

Especially before the age of one where there has been this attachment break,

When you are unable from the beginning,

Once you left your mother's womb,

Remember,

When you were in your mother's womb,

Everything was taken care of for you,

Even the temperature of the water that you were in,

Right?

Everything was taken care of.

You were fed.

You were warm.

Everything was taken care of.

Once you're born,

You are now completely dependent on those outside of you.

And so when those connections go awry,

When your brain is sensing,

Uh-oh,

Things aren't the way they should be,

When you go from being in a beautiful,

Peaceful experience of the womb,

And let's face it,

Some of us were downloaded for dysfunction even before we left the womb,

Right?

Studies are proving that our mother's state,

Vibrational state,

Mental state,

Emotional state,

Chemical state,

Biological state,

Psychological state,

Affect us in the womb.

Studies are proving that more and more.

However,

When you come from this womb experience and you leave the womb and you are completely dependent upon these people outside of you,

And they fail you for whatever reason,

Right?

This isn't a pin the tail on the donkey video.

This is like,

Can we just explain why it's so hard to recover from relationship addiction video.

And the reason it's,

You're not crazy if you are finding it more difficult to heal from a relationship addiction than alcoholism,

Or you're finding it more difficult to heal from your relationship addiction than some other type,

From a shopping addiction or whatever.

Because in my opinion,

This is the way I look at it,

Is that relationship addiction is tied to abandonment.

And the deeper you have been abandoned,

The more you will crave attachment.

And so in line with all of that,

When you've experienced abandonment,

By the time that you're three,

And especially by the time that you're five,

By the time you've developed language,

Your little mind has already begun trying to understand and make sense of why mommy doesn't love me,

Or why daddy left me,

Or why mommy left me,

Or why is,

Why is my older sister mean to me?

Or why is this house so cold and why is this house so loud?

And why doesn't anybody see me?

Why doesn't anybody love me?

Most children assume it's their fault because they're subjective and they're not objective.

And all children pretty much suffer Stockholm syndrome,

Meaning that we love the people who abuse us.

We don't know that it's them.

We think it's us.

And I think there's a default safety measure in that,

As dysfunctional as it is,

When a child assumes it's their fault,

Then on some level,

The child also assumes that they're going to be able to fix it.

So this offers the child a little bit of hope,

I think,

Is that one day I'll fix it.

But that one day I'll fix it,

This fantasy that one day mommy's going to see me,

That one day daddy's going to come home,

Or whatever the case may be,

That fantasy thinking creates codependency.

And what we do then is we don't recognize that below the veil of consciousness,

We don't feel worthy,

And we feel guilty,

And we carry shame.

So we have a brain that's in pain because of shame.

And we don't realize that below the veil of consciousness,

We have a narrative that's running,

This tape that's running,

I'm not good enough,

I'm not good enough.

And below that,

We have these innate needs to bond with our tribe,

Or to bond,

Or to gain a secure attachment that was frustrated before we were turned a year old in a lot of cases.

And so below the veil of consciousness,

We have all these mechanisms,

Pain versus pleasure.

It is good to bond,

And it's bad to be alone.

And so we run from the pain,

And we do what we think is going to bring us pleasure,

Which is bond.

Now,

When we are codependent,

And when we come from dysfunctional homes,

What we don't realize is that we are seeking other people's approval.

We want to feel validated,

We want to gather this attachment.

And oftentimes,

We end up becoming rescuers,

We end up becoming fixers.

And we think,

I'm not worthy for you to love me,

But if I fix you and take care of you,

Maybe you'll see worth in me.

And this creates a dynamic.

Now,

When we are codependent,

We end up rescuing people,

Seeking their validation,

And we end up in poor relationships,

Right?

I know people who are in codependent relationships,

They're going to die in their codependent relationships.

Okay,

You know,

That's their comfort zone.

I was somebody that once I realized that I was in a codependent relationship,

I needed to get out.

I wanted my ex-husband to take the journey with me,

He refused,

Right?

So guess what?

In my humble opinion,

He is right back in another codependent relationship.

Okay,

That's fine.

That's his life.

And that's what he's going to do.

I chose another life.

But the reason it's so difficult to heal our addiction to other people is because we have suffered abandonment in childhood.

And on top of that,

When you suffer abandonment,

You suffer shame.

And when you suffer shame,

You suffer from blame.

You think it's your fault.

And so you are wired to seek relationships.

Very oftentimes,

You are doing nothing but recreating the patterns from childhood.

So if your father was abusive,

If your brother was abusive,

If your mother was abusive,

Think about the person from your past that abused you the most and ask yourself,

The people that I've dated in the past,

Have the people that I've dated or married,

Or maybe even my friends or co-workers,

How do they,

Do they at all match or mimic the vibrations or the patterns of the people who have abused me in my past?

Do I feel the same as a 50 plus year old female in this relationship as I did when I was 12 and dealing with my sister or how I felt when I was,

You know,

Dealing with my mother and I was six or seven or whatever.

What you will begin to notice is that childhood patterns are repeating themselves.

You know,

We have to understand that life is holographic,

That our patterns will repeat the most wonderful thing.

And I'm working on my seventh book and hopefully the manuscript will be ready soon.

But the most wonderful thing about being a human being is that you have consciousness that once you see the pattern,

You can change the pattern.

That's when things,

You need a lot of help,

You need a lot of support because the subconscious mind is always trying to pull you back into old patterns.

The brain likes patterns,

The brain likes the familiar.

That too is going to make relationship withdrawal difficult because every cell in your being is craving a connection with this other.

And this person,

This other,

I think it's so interesting that if you look at the word other,

Or if you look at the word mother,

You find the word other in the word mother.

And so this other very oftentimes mirrors your mother or the way you showed up in your relationship with your mother or how your mother showed up in the relationship with you as a child.

It's so interesting.

You know,

And if you're a parent,

That'll suck you right between the eyes when you start thinking about your relationship with your children.

Trust me,

Let me tell you,

Eating humble pie plenty of times in my life.

But relationship addiction is very difficult to withdraw from.

Relationship withdrawal is difficult because of all of these reasons.

But I feel that the more you know about why you feel the way you feel,

The easier it is to become liberated from these ideas.

So it's,

You're not crazy if you've suffered from other types of addiction,

But relationship addiction's got you good and it's hard for you to move forward.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Because it's tied to your survival.

It's tied to what's happening in terms of pain versus pleasure.

All the things that I mentioned,

This is why it's so difficult.

Reviews

That was so insightful i need more 🤣🤣 thank you!!

🙏🏽

Me 💯 !!!

For all the same reasoning, I find myself not to be a Love Addict but distrusting and repulsed by relationship. I enjoy time with a few friends occasionally but am most at ease, entertained, and safe with my own company and counsel.
The pendulum swings in both directions.

Very relatable thank you very much

Absolutely spot on!!! I needed to hear this a few times today! Thank you!

Really helpful thank you

Great information, very hopeful and encouraging

You are a shining light, for me. Giving me the information to look at the abandonment issues and excitement to change the rut in my brain. ❤️🙏

Thanks

Thank you,Lisa. I love how you breakdown complexed issues into simple to understand terms. Thank you, again.

I always relate! Thank you 🖤

Spot on!

Your talks have really helped wake me up. This one was spot on as usual. Thank you Lisa! I love you’re down to earth, straightforward style, it really cuts through the fog! Bless your beautiful heart ❤️

Excellent summary of reality for many people. Breaking the old patterns is hard, but absolutely possible!

I am currently going through recognizing repeated patterns and learning how to avoid repeating them before i am in too deep. This really solidified what i was already thinking. Thank you!

This hits so close to home! My attachment to relationships runs very deep and my fear of abandonment includes everything right down to my pets even! Thank you so much for your insight!

Brought back a lot of memories but was spot on with some people I have in my life. The worst abuse came from a sister that was 9 years older than me.