Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast my name is Lisa a Romano I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger Meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast one of the most frightening things that can happen for the adult child of an alcoholic or the child of a Narcissistic parent who has children or even doesn't have children But when it comes to children specifically one of the most difficult things that we face in our life Is the ability to say no to our children when they're little when they're adolescents when they're older even even as adults We can struggle to set boundaries with our children And I think it's important that when we it doesn't make any sense to me,
Right?
So like if you I want to identify a problem only then can you fix a problem and So many of us have this problem and we don't even know we have this problem like we cannot set boundaries We are afraid to set boundaries we shake in our boots at the idea of setting a boundary We are afraid of people thinking we're nasty if we set a boundary We fear that people will abandon us if we set a boundary We're afraid that people are gonna say you're selfish because you set a boundary They're not gonna be our friends if we set a boundary we have to shut up Everything has to get swept under the rug.
We can think it but we can't say it We can feel it but we can't reveal it But this is the feeling that we have this idea of terror around setting a boundary with other people so if you came from a dysfunctional home and You lived in a home that was unpredictable if you had parents who violated your boundaries heck if you weren't allowed to develop an ego boundary ego boundary is very healthy an Ego boundary is the idea of a child that is at three and two and three years old four years old is saying this is Mine,
The child is developing a healthy sense of self Immature parents and those of us who don't understand what it means to really encourage a child's sense of self We could feel we can make mistakes and say oh,
No.
No,
She's being silly She's being selfish take the toy out of the baby's hand and force it to give give give the child the toy to a different child That's not the way to handle it folks.
I know that I made that mistake with my children.
I didn't get it now I understand the baby that is saying that's mine is developing a healthy sense of self so what happens if you have let's say an extreme parent a parent who Like my own parents who saw an ego boundary as threatening to their identity They needed complete control their unrecovered adult children of alcoholics so this idea that we said this is mine or I think uh-uh,
You're not allowed to think you'll think what I think and when that happens that confuses us on the inside our concept of self is scrambled opposed to a child that grows up in a home with parents who encourage this idea that Individuality is important.
It's okay to peruse the room.
It's okay to make a mistake.
It's okay to spill the milk It's okay to color outside the lines this permissive this permissibility that we we gain from parents who aren't threatened by our Individuality now the more narcissistic a parent the more that parents going to be threatened by a child's individuality Really important for us to figure that out because you have to identify Who raised you in order to understand who created your personality or who helped shaped your personality?
Really super super important We all are born with a code and that code is good in the beginning God saw all of his creations or all of its creations and it was good You are good.
Your base DNA code is good The second layer of programming which is your personality is the result mostly in my opinion or very much related to who raised you?
The personality and the belief systems of the people who shaped you that ain't your fault now Next layer you have to understand that you can break through and you can reprogram your own mind You can recreate your perception of self But how do we do that?
If we're walking around in la la land and we're not looking at the self and we're not asking self-inquiring questions if we're not Acknowledging Wow Relationship after relationship after relationship after it sucks.
I am unhappy I am negative most the time I am frustrated most that you're not supposed to be frustrated your basic Blueprint your God DNA blueprint is good.
It is supposed to be peaceful So if you find in your 3d reality that you're not experiencing this piece that we have to look further That's not your fault.
We have to look further now in the Acknowledging of the problem only then can we solve a problem?
So part of what I do in my work with adult children of alcoholics and those who were raised by Narcissistic parents and or who have been gaslit for so long inside a narcissistic relationship I help people identify what's wrong.
That's exactly where I go.
I'm like a marine I don't want to talk about foo-foo stuff I want to talk about the stuff that hurt you and shaped you because if we can identify the problem and Deconstruct it then we can construct a solution now I want to talk about the problem a lot of adult children of alcoholics have with setting boundaries Now if you can understand we identify the problem.
I have a tough time setting boundaries.
I can't say no to my kids I can't say no to my spouse.
I can't say no to my stepchildren.
I can't say no to my mother I can't say no to my narcissistic sister.
I just feel like I have to say yes all the time That's a problem because without an ego boundary you are draining yourself There's no energy left for you to figure out who you are You can't live an authentic life if you're constantly giving out to other people You can't figure out what your passions are.
You don't have the energy to cook yourself good food How many AC ways out there cook for everybody else and then they stuff themselves at nighttime with a bowl of cereal or a box?
Of cookies like this is what happens.
You have an ACO mom For instance an adult child of an alcoholic mom Who will cook a meal for every member of her family clean up and then when everybody's in bed?
Sits down in front of the television with a half a gallon of ice cream Not taking care of herself.
There is no code for how to put myself first.
So now I love studying the brain and one of the things that we have to really get clear about if we are serious about healing is that the brain is encoded with information It is no different than the code.
That is your DNA,
Right?
So there are four letters that are responsible responsible for billions and billions of Strings of information codes that break down into your liver your pancreas your eyes your brain You are a fabulous human being and you have been encoded with God's DNA code,
I mean,
It's absolutely incredible That is your base code you come here and that code gets layered by a dysfunctional code that's not your fault kiddo,
But as a Spiritual being and as a conscious being we can break that code and return to our original code That is the point of healing and recovery But before you can do that,
You have to identify the problem.
So We also have to recognize that in childhood we are encoded So for instance if you grew up in a home where they never acknowledged the color green and let's say you're driving down the highway and there was a Dinosaur a green dinosaur that was just hanging out in the woods along the highway.
Just play with me.
I know it sounds ridiculous Just play with me You because you were not encoded with the color green would not be able to identify that dinosaur Your brain wouldn't pick it up because it has no pattern.
It has no code for it Now I like to take scientific ideas and marry them with emotional and spiritual ideas Well,
How does that affect the adult child of an alcoholic or the adult child of a narcissistic parent who?
Has not been encoded for attunement.
I Don't know then what attunement is I have no code for it.
So when I'm out and about people say to me Lisa,
Why am I attracted to the boy bad boys?
That's your code.
It's not your fault that's what you're encoded with you are not encoded with compassion and love and Patience and kindness and a reciprocal mutual respective relationships.
You're not coded for it you're not going to recognize it in the 3d world and if it showed up it would feel foreign to you and Just like your body rejects a foreign substance what happens in all space one space happens in all space Just like your body is designed to reject a foreign object you emotionally reject this foreign experience love What's that kindness?
What's that?
That guides boring that guy doesn't excite me Well,
That's because you're not encoded for patience and kindness and compassion and empathy your brain thinks Buzz off I don't I don't get this.
This is what I want.
I want the excitement we confuse we confuse infatuation With intimacy,
That's what a lot of adult children of alcoholics do so if you are the adult child of an alcoholic and you grew up with abandonment,
You've been encoded for Abandonment sad,
But true you have not been coded for attachment healthy attachment You have been encoded to fear abandonment.
Not your fault now How that shows up is?
Across the board we fawn we people please we stuff our emotions.
We don't know how to have fun We don't know how to let go we can be very controlling.
We're very rigid We're very we can even think in black and white like we can't let go Everything's difficult for us to let go we can't trust if you've been abandoned and you can't trust you can't trust that other people Are there for you?
You can't trust that other people mean what they say the proof the people who were supposed to love you the most We're not there for you.
That is not your fault that you're encoded for fear It's not your fault that your personality has learned survival mechanisms push people away or fawn after them So let's say that you're below the veil of consciousness and you're not even aware that you've abandoned.
What does your life look like?
Well,
You are someone who is perfectionistic You are someone who tends to attract narcissistic people you are someone who takes care of everybody but yourself You also could be highly rigid it's very difficult for you to let go you think other people who are having fun are silly They're just silly people You don't understand how people can take off on a Saturday and Sunday and just not work You don't know how people can just sit down on a Saturday afternoon and enjoy a Netflix documentary You feel like they should be doing something right?
You feel like you have to keep seeking approval It's not safe for you to sit.
It's not safe for you to feel you don't know how to feel You're not encoded for feeling you're encoded to do to seek to keep moving keep moving It's so interesting and so that's how it would show up in addition to that If you have children you might struggle with saying no to your children you might feel afraid and lack the confidence to say no to a child that is Exhibiting signs of entitlement or a lack of empathy you might not know how to put your foot down if your kids smoking way too much weed in the house or Plays too many video games.
You might not be confident as a mom to say enough is enough You might struggle with your son being upset your son doing something silly or your daughter doing something silly You might struggle with the nasty comments that comes out of your daughter's mouth You won't have the confidence to say I'm setting this boundary,
This is my home I'm the captain of this ship and I can see the future that you cannot see Your brain is not yet wired for cause and effect.
I understand what's coming down the pike if this does not change Therefore we are gonna set this boundary whether you really like it or not.
No matter what comes out of your mouth I'm gonna hear you.
I'm going to listen to you.
Maybe I'll know instead of a curfew being like nine o'clock Maybe I'll okay through negotiation.
I hear you dear one We'll go to ten o'clock,
But it's up to you to honor that boundary And if you don't honor that boundary curfews going back to nine o'clock you break that curfew Then I'm removing the video games from the home.
So you just keep going down the line,
But in order to be Confident with the setting of the boundaries if you're the adult child of an alcoholic You've got a face that abandonment issue head-on You've got to realize that the fear of the fear of abandonment can be transferred from mom to your child Where you can come off feeling like a child that is afraid of your own child's abandonment and we've got a really really really be careful that we're not transferring our fear of abandonment or the Experience of abandonment from our parents on to our children on to our spouses on to our friends Really really interesting and it happens automatically by default below the veil of consciousness That's why I call myself the breakthrough life coach.
I want you to break through the subconscious patterns They're keeping you stuck.
I don't want you to repeat the past I want you to know what it is to live Confidently and to love yourself and to know how to break these patterns so that you can bring about the life that you want I don't want you to keep acquiescing Towards a narcissist looking outside of yourself waiting for the narcissist to pat you on the back Which you know doesn't happen unless there's a payoff for the narcissist I want you to know what it's like to like acknowledge Hey,
This isn't working out for me And if this person isn't willing to work with me,
I gotta go adios amigo,
Like I gotta move forward I'm not saying that we throw every relationship out into the garbage But I am saying that we have to be able to confidently assess our Relationships and if they are pulling us down if they are draining us if we are dealing with people who have an inability to Work towards a common goal.
We have a right to say no more We have a right to say no more and we have a right to say no more with confidence And so when we heal from abandonment when we look at it directly and we say oh,
That's why I Feel the way I feel that's why I fawn.
That's why I acquiesce I have a lot of shame around feeling abandoned as a child and I've developed this defense mechanism and the defense mechanism is Codependency,
So I fawn I always say yes,
I people please what's the payoff people need me people need me They can't leave me The problem is you're creating such a problem for yourself because the more you're needed by other people The less you're able to show up for yourself And then one day you get really sick and tired of being the person that's solving everybody else's problem That becomes your major problem and then the world everyone in your world looks at you like what's up with her?
Why is she saying no all of a sudden?
Why is she so nasty?
Because you get to a point if you don't do this correctly you get to a point where you can hardly breathe You get to a point where people the sight of people make you sick You get to the point where you just resent everyone you resent having to go to work You resent having to take a shower.
You resent having to walk the dog.
You end up being so resentful because your paradigm and your programming has brought you to a place that is completely Destructive it is the opposite of love.
You are not taking care of yourself So we are so far removed from our base code,
Which is love.
We were made from love We shall return to love.
We're so far away from that We've moved so far away from that point and taking care of everybody else We've neglected the self and we've taught everybody else to be narcissistic.
We've taught everybody else to be self-absorbed I'll take care of you.
I'll fix that.
I'll rescue you.
Oh,
You need money for rent?
Okay I don't have to buy my kids food this week.
I'll pay your rent.
Oh,
I don't need new shoes this week I'll buy you a pair of shoes this shoes this week.
Oh,
It's okay You got a DUI and smashed up your car.
I guess I could take the bus you take my car to work today Where is the self in that?
We're always worried about someone else and if that sounds like you I really really ask you to Look at whether or not you've ever experienced a feeling of abandonment a feeling of not being good enough Do you carry shame of abandonment?
And if you do the good news is you can break through that you can fix this you can work this through And I just want to say thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for sharing my work Thank you for looking within and believing in yourself dear one The answer will never be outside of you ever the answer will always be inside of you And I hope this has been helpful.
Thank you until next time.
Bye for now
