Codependency And Narcissism: The Paradigm You MUST Escape

If you are codependent, most often you do not know it. Seeking approval, and worrying more about what others think about you than what you think about you has become a way of life.

The codependent narcissist relationships is similar to two magnets being drawn to one another. One needs and attention and the other feels compelled to abandon their own needs just to pour out their attention onto others in exchange for a sense of self. The codependent is completely governed by faulty childhood programming and can die in this self abandoning paradigm and never awaken. This happens all the time and is why many people on their death beds most regret NOT acting on behalf of the self during their lifetimes rather than worrying about what other people thought about them.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our life.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

Namaste,

Everybody.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano,

And today we're going to be talking about the codependent narcissistic paradigm and how you can break through.

So the codependent narcissistic paradigm truly represents the paradigms that were impressed upon you when you're a little one,

Before the age of seven.

Before the age of seven,

Everybody's in a theta brainwave state,

So that meant mommy and daddy were basically your hypnotists.

So the codependent narcissistic dynamic,

The codependent narcissistic dance,

Your codependency in and of itself as a standalone issue,

Personality issue,

Can be all traced back to childhood.

Now why is this important to understand?

It's important to understand because paradigms govern your life.

Everything that you think,

All of your behavior,

Are going to be governed by paradigms.

And that's not a bad thing as long as you awaken.

And if you don't like your current paradigm,

Then you commit every day of your life to breaking that paradigm.

You have to become so hungry for recovery,

But just not recovery for thriving,

For changing the paradigms that govern your work,

That you never give up.

I'm doing this work nearly 30 years now,

And I do it every single day.

I sharpen the acts of my mind every single day.

This is all I want to focus on because it set me free.

And the idea that it can set you free excites me.

And one of the reasons that it excites me is because you're in the field of energy that I'm in.

There's no such thing as separation,

Right?

Whether you're talking about Max Planck or Einstein,

They're all talking about this field,

This universal field that connects us all.

And imagine that you're a Bluetooth.

You have a Bluetooth signal,

And that's your EMF,

Your electromagnetic field.

And you are interfacing with this quantum field of which I am a part,

Of which my granddaughter is a part,

And my grandsons,

All of my children are a part.

Every person that I love,

Every tree is a part of this quantum field.

So when you shift the way you think,

When you have a paradigm shift,

You affect the energy that you emit.

And that helps change us all.

That helps to affect us all.

So I'm excited to think that somebody who's in a codependent relationship or a codependent narcissistic relationship,

In a relationship with a narcissist,

I'm excited to think that that person who is listening is really gaining the understanding that this basically comes down to a paradigm or a subconscious program.

And that paradigms,

Because you are God's highest form of creation,

You have the right to change that paradigm.

You have what's called metacognition,

But here's the thing,

It has to be activated.

And you're already halfway there because you're listening to this information.

You're already investing in shifting your paradigm.

So it's really important that you understand that if you shift your paradigm,

You shift your life.

So the codependent narcissistic paradigm will go back,

In my opinion,

Will go back to childhood.

I know that's where I traced mine.

Before the age of 18 months,

If you don't know that you can trust your parents,

That they're going to meet your needs,

Then what happens is you develop mistrust.

Now that happens super early.

Now imagine that becomes part of your psychological subconscious paradigm.

Consider it an equation that governs your life when it comes to trusting your emotions and trusting that you can express your emotions and trusting that the people in your environment will meet your needs predictably,

Always,

Stably,

Without agitation,

Without rejection,

And without punishment.

So if you were lucky enough to,

By the time that you were 18 months old,

Learn that when you cried and you had a feeling,

And this feeling caused you to express it,

And by expressing it,

Your needs are met by someone on the outside,

You develop a paradigm for trust,

A paradigm that allows you to trust your feelings,

A paradigm that says,

Yes,

It's okay that if I feel this,

I can say this,

And the people,

It's normal for me and good for me to expect that the people that love me will meet me halfway.

They're not going to reject me.

They're going to abandon me.

Not so if you have a codependent paradigm.

If you have a codependent paradigm,

You were taught your feelings don't matter.

You were taught that you were unworthy of love.

You were taught conditional love.

You were taught that as long as your people please,

As long as you look around the room and flutter around the room,

Making sure that everybody has what they want,

Even at the expense of yourself,

Codependents do not sit still.

We're very much worried about what other people think,

What other people need,

And we just see ourselves as the person who subjugates to other people.

We see ourselves as servants.

We pick up on the needs of other people,

And we have been programmed and groomed to think,

That's my job.

It has nothing to do with me.

If I'm in a room of people who are thirsty,

That has nothing to do with me.

If I'm going to take it upon myself because I'm a kind person,

Then sure,

And I do it without expectation,

And it's coming from a place of abundance versus lack.

Well,

I'm going to do this thing,

And everyone's going to think that I'm a nice person.

Nice people are oftentimes trying to manipulate a sense of worthiness from the outside.

To me,

That's a form of manipulation.

Really hard to hear,

But knowing that and seeing that in myself helped me shift my paradigm about being a codependent.

I didn't like the feeling of being a codependent.

I didn't want to .

.

.

I didn't like that identity.

I wanted to shake it,

And once I realized that was my identity,

I was running the codependent paradigm,

Thank you,

Mom and dad,

I didn't want anything to do with it.

I knew that I had to shift my identity,

So that identity came from being the nice person to minding my own business and allowing people to,

Grown-ass adults,

To get their own glass of water and to not feel like I have to come in and take care of everybody.

I started learning how to mind my business,

And then eventually I was able to find the balance of it.

Now,

You know what?

If I notice that someone needs a glass of water or would like a glass of water and they're awkward and they don't know where the glasses are in the house,

It's fine for me to say,

Can I help get you a glass of water?

Because it's not coming from the codependent paradigm anymore.

I've had a shift in my identity.

The codependent paradigm is wrought with I'm not enough,

I have to seek approval,

I have to fear disapproval.

It's wrought with everybody's emotions are more important than mine,

I should be embarrassed about my emotions,

I have to seek the approval of men.

If you're a female and you're codependent,

I have to seek approval of men,

I should not tell a man that I'm upset,

I should just pretend that I'm happy,

My needs are unimportant,

I have to worry about what everybody thinks about me,

I have to be the first one at work and the last one to leave,

I have to prove myself,

Prove myself,

Prove myself.

That's part of the codependent paradigm.

Now,

Someone who has a narcissistic paradigm is operating from they owe me.

People don't know how brilliant I am.

I only want to be around people that understand my brilliance.

I am entitled to be rude to people.

See,

If you have a narcissistic paradigm,

You are running the paradigm of arrogance.

You think that arrogance is confidence,

They're not one and the same thing.

Confidence does not mean that you have to,

Well,

If you're confident,

You don't have to put down other people.

If you're confident,

You're not stepping on the heads of other people.

If you're confident and you have emotional intelligence,

Then you understand that the way you speak to people affects how they receive you and affects their response to you.

When you have a narcissistic paradigm,

You don't have that in your mind.

Your paradigm is I'm right and they're wrong.

I have a feeling they're responsible for it and if they're responsible for it,

Then they're the ones that have to fix this unsettled feeling inside of me.

The narcissistic paradigm is they lack self-awareness,

They lack accountability,

They are entitled,

They lack empathy,

These are pervasive patterns,

They're exploitative,

But they lack self-awareness and so it is with the codependent.

When you're a codependent,

You lack self-awareness.

There's that commonality.

When you're a narcissist,

Oftentimes,

Not always,

Sometimes narcissism is tied to a brain anomaly.

When you are a narcissist and you've been conditioned to be a narcissist by your environment through severe emotional abandonment or some form of abuse and you've learned that,

Uh-oh,

I have to,

It's better for me to eat people than to be eaten,

Right?

So that's your defense.

So narcissism is an ego defense mechanism.

Codependent is operating from a paradigm of ego defense mechanisms as well.

Uh-oh,

To survive,

I have to take care of people.

So you can see that the codependent narcissistic relationship is a complete match in terms of paradigm.

Now,

The only way to break a paradigm is to know that you're in the paradigm.

And so I call this the level one consciousness.

It's when we're in a paradigm where we're operating from belief systems,

But we're not aware of them.

That was certainly my reality up until my mid thirties when my life spiraled out of control and I finally found a therapist at a complete desperation,

But I also realized that it was at that point I wasn't attached to an outcome.

So this is a very important idea and concept to get a hold of.

So a codependent is attached to an outcome.

Please don't leave me.

I can't honor my emotions,

But I'm going to try to get you to validate my emotions and convince you that my emotions are valid.

It's me abandoning myself every single time.

And me in that relationship with my ex-husband,

The codependent,

In my opinion,

Narcissistic tango that we were in,

It was me giving up on myself.

It was the paradigm of,

Lisa,

You're not worthy to be honored.

You're not worthy of honoring your own emotions.

No,

You can't trust your emotions.

Your job is to get people to agree with your emotions.

And when I couldn't manipulate my ex-husband to give me permission to be so unhappy in this relationship,

I imploded because that was my paradigm.

And it wasn't until I had a very conscious,

Clear shift when my therapist said,

You're codependent,

It was a mind shift.

It was suddenly awareness was being opened.

There was like a window in my mind.

And suddenly I was observing myself as a codependent person operating from a paradigm.

It helped me realize I'm not broken.

The paradigm that I'm living was given to me by this environment.

And it's my job to become aware of it and to break the paradigm day in and day out.

And that takes time.

It happens with every single day.

What is my paradigm?

What is the faulty belief?

What is the faulty premise?

How can I break that pattern by behaving and thinking differently today?

So it's like Mount Rushmore.

How long did it take to create Mount Rushmore?

Years.

I mean,

I'm actually going to look into that because I don't know.

But Michelangelo's Statue of David,

How long did it take him to sculpt that Michelangelo out of that clay?

It's the same thing with your innate self.

I was in there,

But it was my paradigm that I had to chisel away in order for my true self to emerge.

And that takes time.

So when you consider yourself like Michelangelo and chipping away and allowing the Statue of David to emerge,

Which is one of the most well-known statues all over the world.

When you think about Mount Rushmore and the heads of the presidents in that mountain and how long that took to emerge.

When you think about creating the city and how long that takes to emerge,

You start to understand and apply the same principles to your future reality.

It's going to take time.

So if you have a paradigm that has you believing that,

Well,

I'm just going to take a couple of Xanax and I'm going to feel better.

And that's escapism.

Or I'm just going to scroll through social media and I'm really upset with my husband and he's not really listening to me and my kids are a mess.

I'm just going to go out shopping.

Or I'm going to dabble in E-trade.

I'm going to start buying a lot of stocks and trading a lot of stocks.

Whatever it is,

Whatever form of escapism that you use inside the codependent paradigm is only going to keep you stuck.

So part of what you have to understand if you're trying to break through these paradigms and you want to create a healthy relationship like I've been able to attract in my life through this work,

You really have to start thinking about your subconscious childhood programming as a paradigm,

As a recipe for your future life.

And you want to start realizing that those paradigms can be broken.

I create new paradigms in my life every single day and I try,

And it's only through meditation and journaling,

Self-reflective exercise,

Experiential exercise.

It's this mindset that I have now that I didn't have before.

Now it's like,

No,

My mind is my mind and it's my responsibility.

I had a huge shift in the codependent narcissistic paradigm when I began to see my ex-husband as someone who was highly narcissistic and extremely passive aggressive.

I used to call him the nice boy scout,

The nice narcissist because people loved him.

He was so accommodating to other people.

That was all part of the allure and part of like what kept me stuck,

But he's so nice to everybody,

But he's mean to me and he's mean to the kids.

It must be us.

Same thing with my mother.

It was part of the paradigm.

My mom is so nice to her friends and so nice to my dad,

But she's so mean to me and my brother and my sister.

I was living out the same paradigm in that relationship with my ex-husband.

And when I saw it clearly,

I thought,

Well,

If it's a paradigm and it represents a bunch of beliefs,

Then I guess I should be working on shifting my paradigm.

That's why I became obsessed with the subconscious mind.

But can you fix a hole in the wall that you don't see?

No.

So we have to get clear about our paradigm.

So that's why I wanted to offer a session about the codependent narcissistic paradigm.

I was in that paradigm.

And when I began to see myself as a codependent,

That helped shift my paradigm.

And then when I started to see him as highly narcissistic,

That helped me shift my paradigm against him or towards him.

And in the middle,

Suddenly this whole new perspective was born.

And I was able to gain distance from my paradigm and space from his paradigm.

And it was like working in that energy.

So when he would come home from work at the end of the day,

I now knew,

Lisa,

Don't act and operate from the codependent paradigm.

Hold onto yourself.

Don't try to fix his mood.

Codependents are affected by the moods of other people.

If you're in a bad mood,

I want to fix it.

And if you're in a bad mood and I'm in a good mood,

I can't be in a good mood.

I have to lower my mood to match your mood.

That helps me feel safe.

That reduces the anxiety in my body.

Why?

Because as a child,

I didn't have a paradigm for individuality or autonomy.

It wasn't safe to be a three-year-old girl dancing around the living room.

It wasn't safe to pretend I was a ballerina.

You got abused when you felt safe and you let go.

What are you doing making so much noise?

Who do you think you are?

You're not thin enough to be a ballerina.

You're not beautiful enough to be a ballerina,

Right?

So it's not safe to let go and be happy around people who are unhappy.

No,

I have to minimize my mood to be one with you and your mood to control my own anxiety.

Once you understand the codependent paradigm,

Now you're working effectively.

Now you're doing mindset training.

Now you're retraining your brain.

It's freaking fabulous.

Now you're not this ship in the middle of the ocean bobbing and subject to the water and the storms.

No,

You are navigating your ship and it is incredible and it could actually be a lot of fun when you do this work consciously.

So if he came home at the end of the day,

Now that I knew that I had a codependent paradigm,

Then it was like,

Hold on to your energy.

Hold on to your energy.

Okay,

You just slam the cabinets.

Don't ask him what's wrong.

Don't seek his approval,

Right?

Feed him dinner.

Feed the children dinner.

Don't expect him to say something nice about the dinner.

If he grunts,

Don't ask him what he doesn't like,

Right?

These are all the ways I had to chip away at the codependent paradigm.

Are you okay,

Honey?

Did I cook it good enough for you?

Are you a happy little boy?

Are you pleased with me?

Are you going to be nice to me later on or are you going to ignore me?

Please don't ignore me.

I was done.

I was like,

No,

I'm not operating from that codependent paradigm anymore because that is what the narcissist wants.

The narcissist wants to be in a bad mood and control your mood.

The narcissist wants to see you grovel.

The narcissist wants to see,

Oh,

You were up here?

Well,

Now because I'm in a bad mood,

I'm going to bring you down here.

It's a source of narcissistic supply.

These are just some of the ideas I'd like to leave you with when it comes to a codependent and a narcissistic paradigm.

I really hope that what you hear me saying is that you can break this paradigm if you can become aware of it and you make it your solemn goal.

I can tell you it's a goal that's worthwhile.

I keep expanding my life because the minute I find that,

Oh,

I've plateaued in my relationships or I plateaued in business or I plateaued in my health,

Any area of my life.

If I've plateaued,

I'm not thinking big enough.

I'm not dreaming big enough.

It's like,

Okay,

I got a little comfortable.

Let's see how far I can push this.

Because you are a creator and because you are creative at your core,

Once you shatter these paradigms,

But first you have to recognize them.

Once you shatter them,

You can move beyond them.

I'd like to leave you with a few ideas.

Look at your bank account.

Understand that as a paradigm.

That's a financial paradigm.

Look at your weight.

Understand that your state of health is a paradigm.

Look at the clothes in your closet.

Look at the shoes that you wear on your feet.

These are paradigms.

You're not doing this to judge yourself.

You're just trying to gain some metacognitive awareness,

Which is self-awareness,

Self-inquiry about the paradigms that are governing your life.

Look where you live.

That's a paradigm.

If you don't know what the paradigm is,

Then you can't challenge it.

Look at your state of self-esteem or self-worth.

That is a paradigm.

Look at your relationship status.

That is a paradigm.

Dear,

When you're operating from a paradigm,

It is never too late.

As long as there is air in my body,

I'll be doing this work.

I'll be striving to achieve another level of consciousness.

Part of it is because I think I've got this spirit inside of me that is just like,

I'll show you.

Spirit is what helped me survive my family when I was going through my divorce.

They were angry at me,

And they were judging me,

And making assumptions about me,

And turning people against me like,

This is my own family,

My own flesh and blood.

I think that I'll show you attitude really helped me push.

I didn't like the idea that people were,

My own family,

Were hoping I would fall on my face,

And people that were supposed to support me were like,

Oh,

She's never going to make it without him.

It was like,

Oh yeah,

Well,

I'll show you,

That determinism.

I'm going to prove to you that I don't need you.

I really did.

It was as soon as we were separated,

I got three jobs.

I was working seven days a week,

But you know what?

I didn't go to my family for anything.

I didn't go to my ex-husband for anything.

I shattered the paradigm of,

I need my ex-husband to support me.

I need my family to be there for me.

No,

I did not.

I am evidence that I needed no one but the creative ability within me to change the way I think.

Wayne Dyer was the one who said,

When you change the way you look at things,

The things you look at change.

When I changed the way I looked at myself,

I need them,

I'm nothing without them,

I'll never be able to take care of my kids on my own,

I don't have a college degree,

How can I create great wealth if I don't have a college degree?

I can't write a book.

I don't have a literary agent.

Well,

I took care of my kids,

Became a personal trainer,

Started my own personal training business.

I wrote a book,

Then I wrote another book and another book.

If I hadn't shattered those paradigms,

I would not be here.

You would not be listening to my voice.

It's incredible what you can create once you shatter the codependent narcissistic paradigm.

So I hope this has been helpful.

I hope that you feel uplifted and that what you just heard makes sense because honestly,

Dear one,

It's not you,

It's just your programming.

It's a paradigm and if you can see it and break through it and then practice a new paradigm,

You're going to be one happy little camper very soon.

That's my promise to you.

Namaste everybody.

It's the vow to the love and light that is absolutely in you,

Even if you can't see it or feel it,

It's in you.

Reviews

I really relate to this, and have come far in overcoming my codependency & eliminated the narcissist in my life. Thank you, Lisa.

Good talk- lots to practice- especially in changing my thoughts. Many spiritual and metaphysical teachers say that’s the way. It’s always wonderful to keep hearing it- confirmation! Blessings to & for you Lisa. 🤍

It was great very in touch with what is going on and how to fix it. One question can you stay with that narssastic person and become not co dependent?

Thank you for offering this, what a gift! I appreciate hearing your hard-won wisdom. Really insightful and supportive. Although these themes are not new explorations for me, by listening, I received new and useful insights! Thank you. 💗💗💗

Amazing more ways to make my dreams come true. Loved this Lisa. Thank you. 🙏😍