Avoid This Person

A high-conflict person needs a TARGET to blame and abuse. Identifying this type of temperament in those you know can help you avoid DRAMA in your life. MOST drama is unnecessary, fabricated, and the result of immaturity and unhealed wounds. If your life is going to expand and become fulfilling, it is best to avoid and learn how to minimize interactions with this type of person. You cannot help a high conflict, narcissistic person see in themselves what they deny.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about what not to do when you meet someone who has a high conflict personality.

Have you ever met someone who seemed highly argumentative?

Have you ever met someone who seemed very disagreeable?

Have you ever met someone who seemed to be angry all the time or easily angered?

Somebody who has unchecked and unmanaged emotions?

Have you ever met someone who seemed to always complain as if the world was out to get them?

Have you ever met someone who absolutely relied on revenge?

Someone who was just bent on destroying the life of another person?

If you're like me,

You have either been a target of that person or you know someone who has been a target of someone who possesses these types of traits.

Now when we're dealing with someone who has a high conflict personality,

Somebody who has,

Like I said earlier,

Is intense,

Has black and white thinking,

Who lacks self-awareness,

Lacks personal insight,

Someone who sees themselves like a victim and believes the world is out to get them.

The last thing that you want to do is draw their attention to these negative character traits.

When you draw attention to this person's character,

When you point out that they act like a victim,

When you say things like,

Why would you want to destroy that person's life?

Like you only dated her for two weeks or I know that divorce is hard but why are you smearing her name?

I know that it's difficult when people break up but why do you feel like you have to destroy his business online?

Like why are you this irate?

People break up all the time or people disagree.

What is this vendetta about?

When you are talking to someone who has a high conflict personality and you question their motives,

You are basically redirecting their energy.

You will become their target.

Now you have become an enemy.

You are no longer supporting their grandiose perceptions of self.

You are no longer supporting their victimhood.

You are no longer suggesting that they have a right to destroy their ex-wife's life.

You are suggesting that there's something wrong with them for being so angry and so bent on destroying every aspect of their neighbor's life and you will become their target.

So what are you supposed to do in a situation when you are around someone who is sharing these ideas with you?

You are listening to someone who is just ridiculous and not making sense and you can sense their rage is coming out of their skin and it can be really frightening.

When you are talking to somebody who absolutely believes that they are within their right to destroy their wife financially,

They are within their right to destroy their child's teacher's career,

They are within their right to ruin someone else's reputation.

Sometimes when we are dealing with people like this,

Their story doesn't add up.

It doesn't make sense.

Their punishment doesn't match the crime and it can be very bewildering and even frightening to be in the company of someone who is in this rage and who is in the spirit of rationalizing and justifying why they're trying to hurt someone,

Why they're ruining someone's career,

Or why they're destroying someone's sanity.

This is someone who is not interested in what you have to say.

This is someone who behind closed doors thrives on dominance in a relationship.

Someone who is not interested in what you have to say.

Someone who when they lose the dominance in the relationship becomes enraged with unmanaged emotions.

There isn't a rationale.

There's no filter that the emotions run through that someone with this personality can rely on to help them calm down to help them see the other side.

There is a line that some people will cross that people who don't have these types of personalities would never cross.

Thank goodness.

Thank goodness most of the most of us are surrounded by people who would never cross that line.

But if you're someone who has been the target of someone who feels like it is within their right to destroy you,

You are at a minimum involved with someone who has a high conflict personality.

This is someone that is not checking themselves.

This is someone who is rationalizing poor behavior.

This is someone who believes that the world is out to get them,

That you're out to get them,

Or the target is out to get them.

And so they're within their right to hurt their target.

They're within their right to blame their target for all of their misery.

The target has no responsibility in why they feel the way they feel or what abuse that they've suffered in their life.

But when you're dealing with someone who's unstable,

When you're dealing with someone who reveals to you some of these personality traits,

The blaming,

The vindictiveness,

The rage,

The unmanaged emotions,

The illogic of a situation,

When you meet someone who reveals these traits in you,

The best thing that you can do is start figuring out how to exit this friendship,

How to exit this relationship.

The one thing you don't want to do is try to point out to this person that they're wrong.

This is not going to end well for you.

Somebody who has a high conflict personality is invested in dominance.

They're invested in hurting people.

They're invested in vindictiveness.

And this is not someone that you want for them to make you a target of their mindset.

Most people on planet earth wouldn't cross a line.

Most people wouldn't break car windows for the sake of breaking a car window.

Most people wouldn't rage at someone at a ticket counter or rage at someone who was waiting on them at a Starbucks.

Most people wouldn't rage at someone who was offering them some type of a service.

Most people wouldn't wreck a hotel room because the service that they requested was five minutes late.

Most people would not humiliate someone else at a restaurant.

Most people would not hurt their dog because the dog peed on the rug.

Most people would not tear contracts up at,

You know,

In a business meeting because they didn't like what they saw in the paperwork.

Most people would not put their hands on another human being.

Most people would not curse at someone that they loved.

Most people would not look to turn entire family against another family member because the person doing the triangulation and the blaming was upset.

Most people wouldn't behave this way.

But there are people in society who cross that line.

There are people who speak with such venom against other people that it is a cause for concern.

If you know someone like this,

It is in your best interest to not engage.

It is in your best interest to listen and to do make an analysis of this person's personality and to find any way possible to exit the relationship.

You want to make sure that you aren't rubbing them the wrong way because it's very easy to become their target.

Because someone who has a high conflict personality,

They need to blame someone else for why they feel the way they feel.

And if you've ever been the butt of a smear campaign,

You know what I'm talking about.

This is someone who is highly unstable,

Who makes you their target,

And that's it.

They're gunning for you.

They're going after your business.

They don't care if they hurt your kids.

They don't care if they lie.

They don't care if they exaggerate.

They don't care.

They don't care if they ruin you financially.

It's completely justified as far as they're concerned.

And they will look to create posses of people to talk to about you and to also get people to agree with them.

You don't want to be this person's target.

If you are in a situation and you're dealing with someone like this and you need to back out of it,

Let's say you work at a counter somewhere and you're dealing with someone who's raging at you,

You don't want to go back at this person.

You want this person to come into the store or you want this person to leave the premises as quickly as possible.

So what you want to do is remain calm.

You want to identify what you're dealing with.

You want to ask yourself,

Is this normal behavior?

Would I behave this way?

No.

But just because you wouldn't behave that way doesn't mean there aren't people out there with anti-social personality issues.

There aren't people out there who are struggling with some type of personality disorder.

There are people out there who have serious high conflict personalities.

People who are highly disagreeable and people who absolutely need to blame others for why they feel what they feel.

So they need this target.

So if you've identified that you're dealing with somebody who you feel is unreasonable,

You want to remain calm.

Take note of how unrealistic this person is and do everything you can to remain calm,

To remain cool.

Listen to what they're asking you for.

Listen to what their frustration is.

Keep your emotions in check.

Do not let your emotions escalate.

This is so important.

It's sort of like throwing match on top of a fire.

You don't want to do that with this person.

I've tried to teach this to my children so often when it comes to road rage.

When you're seeing someone weave in and out of traffic,

When you're seeing someone ride up up against your bumper,

This is a high conflict person.

This is someone who doesn't care that they're making you nervous.

They want what they want.

You're in their way.

You don't want to be on that person's radar.

So you know what you do?

You move out of the way,

Dear one.

You go into the right hand lane.

You do everything you can to let that person pass you by.

You don't beep your horn at them.

You don't give them the finger.

You don't curse at them.

You don't yell.

You allow this person to pass you by.

That's the best thing that you can do.

If you're dealing with this person in the office,

Again,

You want to identify what you're dealing with.

You want to keep your emotions in check.

You want to try to figure out what is this person's point of contention.

Where is their frustration coming from?

And even though it's not fair to blow up on you and some people might say,

Well,

I'm not enabling that behavior,

I totally get it.

But personally,

I've dealt with enough high conflict personalities in my life.

I don't want to be the target.

What I want to do is get off that person's radar.

That's me personally.

I am not going to tango with the Tasmanian devil.

I don't want to be on their radar.

It's just a matter of time before,

Unfortunately,

This person bumps up against someone who is not going to tolerate their behavior.

And that is when a war will ensue.

Now,

Someone who doesn't really care,

Somebody who thrives on this type of behavior,

In my opinion,

Has the potential to drive someone insane.

When you think that the argument is over,

When you think that this has gone too far,

Not so for someone who has now made you the target of their anger,

Not so.

After my divorce,

It was so frustrating.

Well,

During the divorce,

It was so frustrating because I couldn't wrap my head around this idea that there was an intention to destroy me in as many ways possible.

Finances,

My relationship with my children,

I became the absolute target.

And this lasted for over seven years.

You could have a fallout with someone and they can be angry for you at you for a week.

And maybe they write a couple of nasty things on Facebook,

But then it's over.

But when you're dealing with somebody who has a high conflict personality,

This doesn't end so quickly.

This can go on indefinitely and for years.

It was after seven years that my ex told me,

I always thought that if I destroyed you,

You'd come back to me.

So actually admitted that out loud,

Which is kind of terrifying to think that someone could actually think that if you destroy them,

You're going to want to be with them.

But you see,

This is somebody whose mind works in such a way that,

Well,

If you need me and you depend on me,

That's the reason that you'll stay with me.

I have no concept of you not being my slave,

My emotional slave.

I have no understanding of being in a reciprocal,

Mutually satisfying relationship.

No,

Relationships are about dominance and control.

Some people's minds work that way in which in order to be in a relationship,

They feel like you need to depend on them or they need to depend on you.

And so they convince you that it's your fault that they feel the way they feel and it's your fault that they can't get a job.

And it's the world's fault that no one understands their brilliance.

It's their fault that they keep losing their job.

It's always someone else's fault.

This can go on forever and indefinitely.

To wrap this up,

If you know someone who has a high conflict personality,

If you are the target of someone who has a high conflict personality,

I encourage you to not go back at them.

I encourage you to not pull them out.

I encourage you to do everything you can to keep your emotions in check.

I encourage you to identify what you're dealing with.

I encourage you to understand that someone with this personality needs a victim.

They need a target.

They need someone to blame for why they are where they are.

See,

Blaming you gives rise to their needing to or their justification for feeling like a victim.

If they blame you,

Then their anger makes sense to them.

So it never occurs to someone who has this personality issue that maybe it's me.

Maybe I think in black and white.

Maybe I have issues with dependency and dominance.

Maybe I don't have control over my emotions.

Maybe I have anger issues.

Maybe I have unchecked rage.

Maybe I'm unreasonable.

Maybe I lack empathy for people.

No,

It never crosses their mind.

If you're dealing with someone who has these types of personality traits,

Do everything that you can to back out of the situation with as much grace and with as much dignity as possible.

Eventually,

That's what I learned in my divorce.

I learned to shutty,

Shutty.

I remember the moment so clearly.

I got about 20 or 30 text messages calling me every dirty name in the book,

Telling me that I was an unfit mother.

No justification whatsoever.

This person could not accept that I was done.

Our relationship was toxic.

But I remember the moment that I took my phone out of a locker.

It was a flip phone.

And I remember the moment when I looked at all the texts and I just said,

Not today.

And I shut the phone.

And that's where I developed the term shutty,

Shutty from.

I began to extract myself emotionally.

I began to focus entirely on what I could control.

If it wasn't within my control,

I forced my mind to identify it and choose to let it go.

And that was really,

Really difficult.

It was like walking through fire.

When we're dealing with people like this and we recognize that these are their personality traits,

It's important that we check the self.

It's important that we don't allow someone else to trigger us to the point where we lose emotional control.

Because if you're healthier than someone who has these types of personality traits,

You have to understand they're built for this.

They're like the Energizer Bunny.

They're like Muhammad Ali.

They can go nine rounds.

You might get exhausted.

You might get sick in your head.

It might baffle you.

Like,

Why isn't this over?

Why doesn't she let this go?

Like,

How can she justify this?

Like,

Where is this coming from?

But to someone who has this type of personality issue,

And it could be a personality disorder,

You want to find a way to stop being their target as soon as possible.

This is the way you save your sanity when you're dealing with people who want to blame you for why they are so angry and unable to control their emotions.

Namaste.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

So good. Thank you

Revelational 🙏🏽 Thank you! You mentioned some things that I’m aware I also need to work on. This offered awareness , peace, and healing for myself. Wishing the same for others 💙🙏🏽

Awesome. Spoke to me. I could relate to 99% of the talk.
Thank You so much.
It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks so much for sharing this. I’ve been reading about narcissistic personalities and this seems much more to the point. My ex has to be in control and because of your distinguishing his “target practice” I feel confirmed that I must stop all contact. We have business issues that I’ve realized keep him ganging on. Must take the bull by the horns as they say!! Gratitude - I thank God for allowing me to hear this right now. I’m finally ready and confident in how to handle this!

Thank you for sharing great advice on how to avoid escalating the negative energy in the moment. On how not to become this type of person’s target. I can understand how to do this in the world in general. What I struggle with is how to live with someone with these personality traits. I did divorce my first husband because after 20 years I couldn’t live with his negativity, frustration and anger. Now I struggle in my relationships with my youngest adult son and my only sister with similar personality traits. I can’t divorce either of them so how do I minimize the conflicts that arise?

Honestly I’m wondering if I have these issues you’re talking about. To a much lesser degree, but your words feel familiar to me. It can be very confusing to identify if you’re the one creating harm.

Thank you so much Lisa 💖

Spot on!

So grateful for how Lisa describes and navigates these difficult abuse situations with us and shares her hard-won wisdom

Omg this was my mom. Always blaming me as a child for the unhappiness and problems in her life. Thanks Lisa. Now I can understand and let the healing begin 🌻