Avoid Becoming Another Source Of Narcissistic Supply

In this episode, Lisa A. Romano, codependency and narcissistic abuse expert, reveals the wisdom you need to avoid becoming another source of narcissistic supply. Healing trauma is an upgrade in consciousness. You cannot heal trauma from the same level of consciousness that experienced the trauma.

Transcript

So today we're talking about what you can do if you feel like the narcissist has gotten away with bad behavior and you,

Dear one,

Can't move on.

One of the things that I run into frequently when I'm coaching someone privately that makes my client feel like they can't move on,

That the narcissist has got away with this terrible injustice and there should be some type of punishment.

And when we are stuck thinking that this relationship has made us feel like powerless and we feel like we've been manipulated and we feel like our good intentions have been distorted,

Our good intentions have been taken advantage of,

We can become stuck feeling like I have to get this person back,

Which means that our ego has been highly activated and that's absolutely normal.

It's an absolute normal response to feel like you want to get someone back for hurting you.

One thing to recognize,

Dear one,

Is that you're never going to receive closure from a narcissistic relationship.

A narcissist does not admit to flaws.

A narcissist does not admit to fault.

It will always be your fault.

So if you're looking for closure,

Dear one,

You're never going to get it.

After the discard,

Your head swirls.

You feel like you were manipulated.

You feel like you were discarded.

You feel like you're wrong.

And you're starting to make sense of how often everything was your fault,

That the person that you love never took responsibility for anything in the relationship.

And it's starting to add up and you're starting to become angrier and angrier over the demise of the relationship.

It hits you hard when you start to come out of the fog and you realize that you love someone who never really saw you as a 3D autonomous human being.

And that hurts.

Eventually,

You might start to get angry.

You're feeling the injustice of it.

And you might want to push this person back.

You might want to make this person pay for the pain that they put you through.

You might want an apology.

You might want closure.

You might want to meet somewhere in the middle and have some cohesive understanding of how this relationship fell apart so quickly.

If you're not careful,

You can even become stuck.

You can become someone who obsesses over this.

You could be someone who stalks out their Facebook group.

You could be someone who stalks their Instagram.

You could be someone who is really,

Really stuck trying to get this person to pay for how they treated you.

You may even feel ashamed or embarrassed for tolerating the behavior,

Even though friends and family said this isn't good,

You should really pay attention to this.

Oftentimes when you're in a trauma-bonded situation,

You defend the narcissist.

You make excuses for them.

Narcissist gets in your head and says,

No one's going to understand our relationship.

Everyone's going to be jealous of our relationship.

You've got to be strong.

You've got to back me up.

And you will push your friends and family away.

And after the relationship's over and you've been discarded and you're replaying all these scenarios in your head,

You might feel embarrassed.

You might feel ashamed.

You might feel like,

Oh my god,

How could I have been such a fool?

It's not your fault.

You're never responsible for someone who lies to you,

For someone who says that they are one person and they're actually not.

That's never your fault.

But I get it.

I've been there.

I understand the embarrassment you feel after being with someone who you believed,

Ignoring red flags and it all hitting you like this is unfair and I want to get them back.

But I caution you because this is no way to roll forward.

This kind of thinking will keep you stuck.

So I want you to remember a few things.

Like I said earlier,

It's never your responsibility because someone's a super great liar.

It is never your responsibility for someone who manipulates and distorts reality.

Loving someone and trusting people and also forgiving them,

These are beautiful qualities and it's not your fault that those qualities were used against you in a narcissistic relationship.

Try to remember that the goal is to not allow one narcissistic relationship,

Two or three,

To destroy your ability to love and to be loved in a healthy way.

Moving forward,

What you want to do is you want to take all the lessons that you've learned in this relationship and put them in your memory bank.

Understand what a red flag is and when a red flag appears in the future,

Don't ignore it.

And if you struggle with codependency like I have,

You want to make sure that you understand codependent dynamics.

What makes you feel like you need validation?

What makes you believe that you need to be invisible in a relationship for a relationship to work?

What makes you feel like the success or the failure of the relationship is all on your shoulders?

You want to heal the voice in your head that unfairly blames you for the demise of this relationship.

The fact that the relationship is over is actually a good thing.

The last thing that you want to do is spend the rest of your life unaware that you're unaware inside a narcissistic relationship,

Inside a relationship that is controlling,

Inside a relationship that is manipulative,

All outside your conscious awareness.

Now that you're conscious,

At least you know that you have a choice and you can move forward.

Be sure to find support.

Surround yourself with people who understand this dynamic because not everybody does.

A narcissist are often those who on the outside act like they are just amazing people.

Behind closed doors,

They're very different.

So the outside world isn't always going to agree with you.

So if you're stuck thinking that you need other people to agree with your perception of this person or this relationship,

That is a false premise.

Be sure to make attempts to reconnect with healthy others.

If possible,

Block the person that you were in a relationship with.

If you feel as highly narcissistic,

Go no contact,

Shutty-shutty,

Say as little as possible,

Disengage from their flying monkeys,

And do what you can to understand that the best thing that can happen right now is for you to take all the lessons that you learned,

Honor them,

And move it forward.

Because with a narcissist,

Dear one,

You will never receive closure.

And the idea that you want revenge on them is actually a source of narcissistic supply for them.

It means you haven't let go.

It means that they've got you.

It means that you're spending time thinking about them,

And that's exactly what they thrive on.

I certainly hope that this has been helpful.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time,

Bye for now.

Reviews

As always you provide such good advice, By listening to your story I was able to get an answer from what was wrong. It is not my fault. Thank you 🙏🏾 i am growing, finally seeing the light and on my way stripping my self out , I took back the remote control of my life.
May you be Blessed 🙏🏾

My narcissistic mother died 3 weeks ago and I am starting to believe myself when I practice self compassion 🙏💛

"Flying monkey" ?! Made me laugh.
" Narcissists who appear amazing to everyone else " hit the nail on the head.

I so related to everything said here, but have finally learned to let go and have no contact. Thank you.

Grateful for you
🤎🙏🏾

Truth!!!

Good tune up! 🙏🏽

Awerness is key. 6 minutes well spent - i love this one 🩷 Thank you 🙏