8 Pillars Of Codependency You Need To Crush

Codependency is a maladaptive way of relating to yourself and others. If you are codependent, your relationship are one-way streets and you tend to rescue, enable, caretaker and fix others, all while denying yourself as you grow more resentful over time. Lisa A. Romano breaks it all down in this episode.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about the eight pillars of codependency.

I want to create this session around helping people better understand codependency from the ground up so that we can learn to take accountability for how we're showing up in the 3D world.

Because so many of us who find ourselves having the traits of codependency also discover as we're learning to heal and learning to understand codependency,

We often discover that we have found ourselves in relationships with people who tend to be energy vampires or with people who tend to be takers,

With people who tend to blame shift,

With people who tend to lack accountability,

People who tend to be entitled,

People who tend to exploit the kindness of others.

And so I wanted to break down this list that I created and help people who are really trying to figure out,

Well,

Where is the line in which I can be more accountable for myself when dealing with other people?

Because what you'll discover on this path is that you're going to get to a point or a crossroads in your life where you realize that you're the common denominator and that nothing changes until you change.

And I can tell you as someone who's walked across the bridge,

When I look over my shoulder and I think about the relationships that I've had,

I was the common denominator.

You can still be involved with someone who has high narcissistic traits without being someone who qualifies as codependent because quite frankly,

Everyone and anyone can become a target for a narcissist because they have a desire to take from you what they need in the form of narcissistic supply.

So everyone is fair game.

Those of us who have codependency will struggle to end relationships with people who are toxic.

We'll just struggle to end relationships period because of some of the belief systems we carry.

So let's talk about the first one.

So the first pillar of codependency is an identity issue.

So when you struggle with codependency symptoms,

Your sense of self and purpose is rooted in a subconscious belief that has you believing you need to be a people pleaser,

A rescuer,

Or a caretaker,

Which leads to enabling self-sacrifice and eventually resentment.

So below the veil of consciousness,

You have this idea that you are the doormat.

You don't realize it,

Or you have this identity that you're not aware of,

This perception of self,

This self-identity that has you believing subconsciously that it's your job to rescue.

So you're the person in the relationship that tends to wear the cape.

You're the person that,

In all your friends,

You're the one that is bringing soup to everybody,

Making sure that everybody's okay.

You're the one saying,

No,

I'll do that.

Or your mother needs help,

I'll do that.

You volunteer your time.

You are the rescuer.

You are the fixer.

You might be someone who automatically just thinks that,

Oh,

If someone asks for something,

I should be available.

If someone's in need,

I absolutely should jump in there and fix it.

And it's tied to this,

I have an identity that has me believing that that's my role.

The problem with that is that the lines are blurred,

And you don't always know that you can say no.

And so it's just,

Yeah,

I'll do it.

Yes,

I'll do it.

And that's really important for us to recognize in ourself.

If we show up and we have to ask ourselves,

You have to become aware of what you're unaware of,

Like,

Do I do this?

Do I think that it's my job to fix and to caretake?

Is that where I'm getting my sense of self from?

So it's important because you can't change that unless you're aware of it.

The second pillar of co-dependency is self-denial.

So you routinely and automatically deny yourself as a person that has any needs and may not even know what your needs are,

Since you believe it is your role to deny self and focus on others.

So when you're struggling with co-dependency,

You tend to be someone who focuses on the needs of other people.

So you don't even know that in the focusing on other people,

And I watched my mom do this my entire life,

So you don't even know that you're not checking in with self.

You don't even know that you're not asking self,

Well,

What do I need?

You're not even aware of it because your base emotional set point is denying the self for the sake of what other people need.

Really important that if this is something that you're struggling with,

That you wake up and you start to realize,

Like,

I don't even know what I need because I think below the veil of consciousness,

And I'm becoming more aware of it,

That it's my job to focus on other people and rescue and caretake.

And in that experience,

I am abandoning myself.

I don't even see myself.

So myself is like sleeping,

And I'm here on autopilot acquiescing and subjugating my own needs for the sake of other people and for a relationship.

So the next pillar of co-dependency is a lack of boundaries.

So you can't say no,

You can't stand up for yourself or end toxic relationships,

And instead you rationalize why you stay in unhealthy relationships,

All while you subconsciously fear to lose your identity,

Which may be tied to believing you are a good person because you stay and deny self.

So there's martyrdom involved in this.

Well,

I must be a good person because I'm putting up with this.

And there's rationalization,

Right?

Well,

He is an alcoholic or she is an alcoholic or she has this issue and that's why she's abusive and that's why I stay.

Well,

Who else is going to put up with her?

That's why I stay or look at the mess that she's in or look at the mess he's in and that's why I need to stay or I know why they are so abusive because of their background.

So when we have a trauma bond with someone,

We end up feeling sorry for the person who is being abusive.

We end up having pity or empathy,

Too much empathy and too much sympathy for someone who has no empathy or sympathy for us.

And if you're struggling with codependency and you have this identity issue tied to,

Well,

I'm the rescuer,

I'm the fixer,

Dun-dun-dun,

It's my job to rescue you,

It's not your job to rescue me.

And I lack boundaries and I'm denying self,

Then I am sitting in a soup where I'm just going to be a magnet for other people's needs while I deny myself and grow more and more resentful below the veil.

And so that's important that we recognize that and we also have to recognize that sometimes we're doing this because we need someone else to attach to in order to act this childhood stuff out.

And so I need someone that I can cater to so that I can feel worthy.

And it's a very sad reality to live.

It's a below the veil experience and we have to recognize that we have the ability to awaken and change because if you're sitting in this quagmire 3D reality,

Then you're only going to attract other people who live in this quagmire 3D reality.

And the 3D reality is all living through ego and ego doesn't know ego is unconscious or subconscious.

So ego is just recreating patterns from the past and doesn't know it.

And as long as we stay unconscious and in the 3D reacting to our pain,

Never resolving these issues and never taking the time to invest in the self,

Then the field that we emit doesn't change.

And we can't change what's happening outside of us until we change the energy that's happening inside of us.

And so that's why I like to create these sessions.

I create the work that I do to help people awaken so that they see what's happening in themselves and through the ability,

The gift of self-awareness and self-accountability,

Policing your own mind and recovery,

You're able to shift out of this 3D matrix reality and make different choices.

So another pillar of codependency is reactivity.

So let me explain.

When you lack boundaries and you believe you are a good person because you stay and deny self and in this situation you are actually denying yourself and your needs,

What happens over time is that resentment begins to build and you can feel stuck inside relationships unaware that subconscious codependent belief systems are at the core of your dissatisfaction with life.

Many codependents describe that they feel stuck.

It's like their feet are stable to the floor.

And if you were to tell someone who is in the midst of a codependent and meshed relationship where there are no boundaries between you and the other person,

They would tell you that I can't leave.

And when your mind makes up a decision and has this cognitive bias,

I can't leave,

The next step is backwards rationalization.

Your mind is always going to rationalize your belief.

That doesn't mean it's a rational belief.

Many of us,

I would dare say,

Are in a constant state of rationalizing the irrational because we haven't yet had the awakening experience and we don't have the tools to stay on the recovery path once we begin to awaken.

The door shuts because we get triggered into survival and we are now thinking all with the amygdala and the hippocampus and memory and we start to remember how we used to feel and then the body is showing us how we used to feel and we're just stuck.

And so resentment begins to build because you're denying yourself,

You have a lack of boundaries and you end up being a doormat for people and you don't know how to say,

This is what I think and this is what I feel.

And you keep saying yes when you mean no.

And no one's stopping to ask,

Mom,

Mom,

How do you feel?

Or sweetheart,

What would you like to do?

Or where would you like to go?

We've set up this experience where we're here for everyone else and we can get angry when we start to wake up and we take an inventory,

We're like,

Wow,

I have no friends that asked me what I'm doing on Friday night or my friends never call me or I'm always figuring out what the family is going to do on vacation.

No one says,

Hey,

What would you like to do on vacation?

I'm always doing everything.

And so we build up this resentment over time and this can create a sense,

We become reactive.

And so we are below the veil of consciousness.

We want people to see us as much as we see them.

And when they don't,

We can become passive aggressive.

So it's important that we recognize that if you are reactive and you're resentful and you also have an identity tied to being a caretaker and you deny self and you lack boundaries and your relationships are enmeshed,

It's time that you really think about,

Well,

Am I showing up in a codependent way and how am I reinforcing this 3D stuck quagmire experience with the people in my life?

Another pillar of codependency is poor communication.

So the fear of disappointing others,

As well as the fear of abandonment,

Make healthy communication nearly impossible since you do not know what your needs are or how to express them.

You cannot show up authentically or tolerate others feeling disappointed in you because you have needs of your own that you may wish to tend to.

And so remember when you're codependent,

You have an identity issue.

You tend to be in one way relationships.

They tend to be rescuer type relationships.

You're not setting boundaries.

You're not talking about your needs.

You're not connected to your needs.

And so how do you then,

If you have all this fear of disappointing people and the program that you're running is,

No,

No,

No,

I'm supposed to say yes,

Even if I mean no,

How do you communicate that?

You can't because you don't know what the operating system is.

And so that's why it's so important to recognize that codependency is literally,

Literally,

It feels like a computer program.

And you add subconsciousness,

The yang and the yang of consciousness,

This idea that we can live below the veil of consciousness through the autopilot mode or the default mode network in the brain and fall right back into childhood patterns and be childlike in an adult body and not even know it.

We can feel powerless.

We can feel disempowered.

We can feel like everyone is an authority in our life and acquiesce to the needs of other people all while denying the self and never be aware of it.

That was my situation and it was maddening.

And now I realize it's now everything makes sense.

No wonder my body was breaking down.

No wonder I had hives.

No wonder I got asthma.

No wonder I was getting these autoimmune responses in my body because my body was always in a state of panic,

Always in a state of anxiety.

Why?

Because I was trying to control things that I just couldn't control.

And I was avoiding the big pit of fear and abandonment within my own self.

And it wasn't until I figured out what was going wrong and decided to fix it that my world began to shift.

So another pillar of co-dependency,

I mentioned it a little bit earlier,

Is you are a caretaker or you feel or you perceive yourself as a caretaker.

Now you can feel like a caretaker and never be aware that you're a caretaker.

I don't think my mom ever realized she was a caretaker.

I don't think that my mom saw herself quitting her supervisor role at a telephone company to answer my dad's phones because he was a refrigeration mechanic.

I don't think she ever saw that she was giving up her career to support his career.

I don't think that my mom ever saw her enabling her alcoholic brothers,

Both of them were alcoholics,

As caretaking.

I don't think that she ever saw giving my uncle a place to live when he was homeless as caretaking.

I don't think that my mom saw toning herself down for the sake of my dad when he was upset as caretaking.

I don't think my mom saw taking care of everybody in her life,

Including her mother,

My grandfather,

And even one of my aunts,

A couple of my aunts.

I don't think she ever saw herself as a caretaker.

I think that my mom just thought she was doing what she was supposed to do.

And that's how in denial she was about this idea that,

Well,

Maybe I didn't have to do it or maybe it's not my responsibility or maybe I'm enabling this situation.

Maybe I'm making things worse by giving my brother money every time he runs out of money because he's gambling or he's drinking.

Maybe I'm making it worse.

So it was this idea of choice was taken away from my mother because she was so deeply rooted in denial.

She so deeply was detached from this idea that she had a self.

And I think that goes back to being the child of two alcoholic parents and growing up in an alcoholic home where there was no one supporting my mom's needs.

There was no one supporting her eye and helping her develop healthy ego boundaries.

Both her parents were highly narcissistic in the throes of their own addictions.

And so my mom developed the caretaker role in response to this trauma,

I think because it gave her a sense of control.

So if mom is drunk and she's not going to feed my brothers,

Well,

Then I'll try to make them cheese sandwiches at four or five or six years old.

If mom isn't going to clean my socks so that I can go to first grade,

Then I'll clean my socks and I'll clean my brother's socks.

So very black and white thinking,

Which all children have black and white thinking.

But even as an adult,

We can carry this black and white thinking into our adulthood and never even realize it.

So I end up breaking off with a relationship with someone I think I'm never going to be loved again.

Or I think,

Oh,

I have three kids and I'm divorced now.

I'm never going to find another relationship.

Or I'm this weight now.

I'm never going to be able to get my weight under control.

It's a lot of black and white thinking.

And so I think it's important that we recognize that you can be a caretaker and have caretaker qualities and be in denial of this idea that you're actually showing up as a caretaker in your life and in the life of other people.

Another pillar of codependency is validation seeking.

Your sense of purpose,

Your reason for living,

Conscious or unconscious,

Comes from others needing you and you solving their problems,

Which reinforces your faulty sense of self and contributes to you feeling or experiencing deep senses of loneliness as well as reinforces a sense of entitlement in others for what they think you owe them.

It's all very convoluted.

So when you don't have a healthy sense of self,

When you don't know that you're enough just because you are,

When you grew up in an anxious home and you did your best to find something to hold onto to make yourself feel like you had some sense of control,

Oftentimes don't realize that your very identity is tied to how well you're able to solve other people's problems and how well people respond to you when you do.

So there's a sense of purpose that comes from taking care of other people.

So we're seeking validation in the taking care of other people,

Which is a pillar of codependency.

So I get my sense of self from the outside world.

And this is why some people will say,

Well,

There's narcissism and there's codependency where narcissists are seeking something from the 3D and codependence are also seeking something from the 3D and narcissists and codependence are also both very shame-based.

It's the way we show up in the 3D that is different.

And the other thing that's different is that a codependent has the ability to awaken,

Whereas a narcissist doesn't want to awaken.

So the codependent person in most cases has the desire to say,

I'm sorry,

The desire to take accountability and the ability to take accountability and the ability to shift.

They will say,

Oh,

Wow,

I recognize that I did something wrong and how can I fix it?

Where someone who is a narcissist or has NPD,

There's a very small shot at all for someone who is really struggling with NPD or high levels of narcissism to accept accountability and responsibility for the demands they place on other people that are unrealistic or unfair or even unjust.

So the last pillar of codependency that I want to talk about is our dependency.

So when you become dependent upon taking care of others for a sense of self,

Purpose,

And a meaning for life,

This reinforces a negative feedback loop that's rooted in the denial of the authentic self.

So we have to recognize that codependency,

Codependency,

There is a dependency there.

So when you're highly codependent,

You don't realize that below the veil of consciousness,

You need to take care of someone.

You need to get this other person's approval.

You need to feel like there's someone in your life that you can fix,

That you can lecture,

That you can talk to,

That you can fix their life.

You can show them the error of their ways and they're going to think you're awesome because you figured out all your problems.

Your sense of self is coming from how well you're able to sort out the lives of other people and this is an absolute dependency that we have to address.

So one of the things that you can start doing is obviously pay attention to the pillars of codependency and really be honest with yourself about how codependency might be showing up in your life.

Work on your identity.

In other words,

Recognize that you are an extension of source,

Regardless of your childhood,

Regardless of any trauma in the background,

You're still an extension of source.

Recognize that you're seeking validation in the rescuing of other people or offering people advice when they haven't asked you for it and stop doing that.

Learn to shutty shutty.

So you could be at a dinner party and don't offer advice unless you're asked.

Try to peel back from looking for people to fix.

Try to allow other people to solve their own problems and in the meantime,

Do everything that you can to self care.

Do everything that you can to really build yourself up from the inside out.

Ask yourself,

What do I love?

What do I want to do?

What do I enjoy doing?

And then start creating an action plan that actually allows yourself to bring those types of activities and experiences into your life.

So rather than look outside of you for a sense of self,

You're now taking this energy and you're looking inside of you for a sense of self.

You're honoring your inner child and you're learning to live out loud without needing to rely on other people to fix and to cater to and to rescue and thus enable,

Which eventually just ends up causing you to feel more invisible than you ever even imagined.

Reviews

Amazing. Helped me dramatically. Can't say it would sink in without me realizing already that there's an issue that needs to be addressed -- but now that I am there mentally ready to change - EVERYTHING clicks makes sense and it's very helpful information

So very insightful and HEALING!! This talk gave me a lot of answers from my past. Awakening is an understatement. If you suspect you are codependent, you MUST listen to this. ✨

Thank you! I've gained so much clarity and insight!

I've learned a lot about myself from listening to many of Lisa's podcasts. Feeling very grateful for her.

Thank you for these podcasts. They have been really helpful!

Great talk with concise and clear traits that I am going to be on the lookout for in my own actions and thoughts going forward. Sadly, It was like a personality checklist for me. 😕 But being aware of the problem is the first step, right?

Lisa,

Thank you so much. I have all 8 holding the up roof over my island of isolation.

Knowing I am codependent.

This will help🥰

Thank you, I’ve been in recovery for a while now and I’ve heard all this many times before. But hearing it all together tonight really brought it all together.

Well spoken. Could help many “asleep” and unconscious people living out dysfunctional lives in dysfunctional relationships.

I really enjoyed this podcast very informative and helpful! Thank you 🙏

Good outline for those who are unaware of their codependent nature and a good reminder for those of us that have been communicating our needs and find we still put ourselves last waiting for the other person to make some miraculous change.

Spot on !

Very informative and well done. Examples of thought processes and behaviors easy to relate to. Got a bit confused about what 3D and MPD meant. Thank you

Wow amazing podcast.. Stumbled upon by chance and can see so much of myself in it .. such codependency can go on that it becomes habitual; fo me it has for many years. Leading to loss of enjoyment, passion and self .. exist instead of live. Thank you

This was so informative. Thank you 🙏

Thank you for your very wishful talk.
Blessings with love ❤️

Thank you, I am beginning to make the changes because I am so aware of being co and married to a N

Excellent summary. Many of these pillars still resonate even after seven years in “recovery.” I am encouraged to continue self reflection and seek out my inner child, who seems to have been lost from the very beginning. Thank you.

I’ll recommend this to my dear friend who this just described perfectly! Sadly, she realizes she’s codependent and I fear she’ll take the long way around moving out of this bad relationship only to go into the next one to repeat the cycle as I’ve seen her so too often. But thank you for sharing your wisdom. Most interesting indeed.

This is probably the most powerful lecture/talk by Lisa Romano that I have heard. It captured perfectly my own sentiments and behaviors. A must listen for anyone who is suffering with abusive past relationships or the narcissistic demands of the present. 🙏🏽💛☮️💫