3 Hidden Causes Of Infidelity

Have you been cheated on, and are you feeling the betrayal of a partner's infidelity? If so, you don't want to miss this podcast episode on the 3 Hidden Causes of Cheating with Lisa A. Romano, a sought-after Life Coach and award-winning author who specializes in mental and emotional wellness, specifically for those suffering from codependency and narcissistic abuse.

If you are an adult child from a toxic childhood home who grew up feeling invisible, unloved, and like a burden, and as a result, you secretly worry you're not good enough, consider this podcast your safe place. Lisa A. Romano has found a groundbreaking path forward, up and out of the cycles, patterns, programs, and paradigms of the past. She has been there, and she knows the path forward.

Enjoy.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Namaste everybody and thank you so much for joining me for the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

And in this episode,

We're going to be flushing out three hidden causes of cheating when it occurs in relationships.

This is a devastating time when you discover that your partner whom you love and who you've trusted has stepped out and has betrayed you.

Betrayal trauma causes a very deep wound.

And my personal opinion is that if you have been betrayed and you struggle with codependency issues or borderline personality disorder or attachment issues,

If you grew up with emotional neglect,

If you come from trauma,

Then you might suffer from complex PTSD and not even know it.

So what this basically means is that whether you're conscious of it or not,

You live your life hypervigilant.

The hypervigilance is actually a survival technique.

It has been downloaded into you prior to you even being born.

It is a default setting of the brain.

It is tied to making sure that we as a species survive.

And it's important that we understand that when it comes to trauma and physical pain and abuse,

Whether it's emotional abuse or physical abuse,

The brain responds the same way.

There's no difference.

And that's why people who think,

Well,

I didn't experience that type of trauma,

Obvious overt trauma,

And so maybe I don't belong in your class.

And I try to explain to them that,

Dear one,

Your brain responded the same way to emotional abuse as a brain responds to physical and or sexual abuse.

So it's really important that we get beyond thinking that our trauma doesn't matter just because it was emotional abuse or it was emotional neglect or it was verbal abuse.

It matters.

You have to understand your brain as an apparatus and as an instrument that has responded to things outside of your control in a specific way.

I aim to help you find the pathway out.

I am less interested in narcissists and in the abusers than I am in helping you find the pathway out.

And anyone that tells you that you can't find the pathway out simply does not know what they're talking about.

Because if you can elevate your consciousness,

There is no way that you cannot find the pathway out because your trauma roots you to a specific paradigm and you believe the story.

It's like you're an actor in your own life and you don't know that at any point you can write another script.

Imagine if an actor just played the same role for their entire life,

Which does happen,

By the way,

In Hollywood,

When in fact this actor can play and take on any role,

But that can't happen for you unless we change the paradigms inside of you and you can't shift it if you can't see it.

So I'm all about helping people find the holes in the wall so that they can find the off ramp and create whatever reality they want in their life.

But first there has to be a quantum shift on the inside and that can only happen through the conscious field when an emotional shift happens because emotions are energy in motion.

And so I believe that we are moving closer and closer and closer to science helping us understand trauma and the potential we have when we understand emotions at the quantum level.

And therefore,

If you have trauma in your background that is tied to feeling abandoned,

I do believe that as opposed to someone who does not have an insecure attachment style,

For instance,

When they are cheated on,

They're not confused by the betrayal.

They understand that they were not the one who betrayed.

They withheld their end of the bargain.

They were in fact violated and they don't deserve this type of treatment.

And so they are very much more able to consciously and with clarity hold their partners accountable.

The rest of us will wobble a little bit.

What did I do?

I'm not good enough.

Maybe I should have been sexier.

Maybe I should have lost the baby weight.

Maybe I should have tried harder.

Maybe maybe maybe if I didn't do this,

Then my spouse wouldn't have cheated on me.

So those of us with codependency and childhood trauma,

We tend to wobble and think we must have done something.

Why?

Because this is,

Again,

A paradigm of the quantum energy inside of us that was created in us when we were children.

As it is below,

Just as they teach in the hermetic principles,

As it is below,

So shall it be above.

All children assume that if they cannot gain love or if their mommy and daddy are mean to them,

It is their fault.

That's where shame comes from.

Children are not conscious truly.

They're not cognitive thinkers.

Their brains are not wired for cause and effect until about the age of 27.

So if something happens and mommy is mean to me,

It must be my fault.

Now the miraculous defense strategy in that thinking and that train of thought,

Which you by the way are not responsible for,

You can't take credit for it,

It is divine wisdom.

The divine wisdom that has been downloaded into you as a psychological being,

A default process is that if you made it happen,

Then you can fix it.

This is where these fallacies come into play when we're adults and we think,

Oh,

If I just look this way,

He'll love me.

If I say this,

My mother will be nice to me.

All I have to do is figure out how to say this thing in a way that he can hear me and all of our dreams are going to come true and we can live happily ever after.

And then what happens is as you come through the veil and you break through,

You have to give up that fantasy.

You will never have that fantasy relationship with mommy.

You will never have that fancy fantasy relationship with daddy.

You are most likely never going to have if this person that you married or attracted to is very much like your parents,

Which is repetition compulsion in the psychological field.

That's what we call it in the quantum field.

We just say as it is below,

So shall it be above,

Meaning it's quantum entanglement.

We recognize that when we are operating from subconscious patterns that were created inside of us when we were children,

We cannot attract anything outside of that paradigm until we awaken.

If you have betrayal trauma going on in your life right now,

It's going to feel worse if you also suffered from emotional neglect and abandonment as a child.

That's not your fault.

But let's get clear about some hidden causes of cheating in relationships to help you develop the emotional detachment and the space you need to activate out of the amygdala,

Out of the patterns and the programs of the past,

Feeling like it's your fault.

So let's see if we can elevate your level of consciousness right now,

Get you out of the amygdala,

Which is highly emotional and reactive.

Remember,

Emotions don't travel in rational channels.

That's why we need the amygdala,

But what we really need is a higher executive that's in charge.

And when we're able to flow consciousness from the prefrontal lobe and the neocortex,

That's when we can develop logic and reason,

And we can master the amygdala and the emotions so that our trauma isn't what is responding to this new betrayal in our adult life.

So cheating is one of the most painful and destructive experiences we can experience in a relationship.

While the surface reasons such as dissatisfaction,

A lack of intimacy,

Or opportunity are often cited,

There are deeper,

Less obvious causes that can contribute to the infidelity.

So understanding these hidden causes can provide insight into preventing and addressing this behavior and also offer you a sense of solace and understanding that it wasn't your fault,

That there are other things going on.

So number one,

Unresolved childhood trauma or issues.

Now many behaviors in adulthood are obviously influenced by the experiences from childhood and unresolved emotional wounds,

Particularly those related to attachment and self-worth,

Can significantly impact adult relationships.

So here's how.

Number one,

Attachment styles.

People with an insecure attachment style,

Whether anxious,

Avoided,

Or disorganized,

Can struggle to form secure bonds with their partners.

That's not your fault.

This insecurity can manifest as neediness or a need for external validation,

Which can lead to infidelity as people with an insecure attachment style can seek comfort and affirmation outside the relationship.

And so they can also feel neglected more easily.

And so they are more susceptible,

If you will.

Just let's say someone love-bombing them or telling them that they're beautiful or just giving them any attention at all.

Parenting modeling.

So a parental model for infidelity.

Did your partner's father cheat on his mother or did the mom cheat on the dad or whatever?

So individuals who grew up in environments where infidelity was normalized or witnessed may subconsciously replicate these behaviors.

This can start innocently with a confidant or a friend,

But can gradually evolve into something more intimate.

Now the thing that we have to understand is that the emotional neglect within the relationship could be perceived by the person who has done the betrayal.

So you might think,

I'm there for this person.

I'm doing everything I can,

But that person may be insatiable.

That person may not see how overwhelmed you are with what's going on in your life,

Your new job with the children,

Trying to manage and multitask a mortgage or whatever's going on.

So it is possible for one partner to perceive the other as being emotionally neglectful and for the other partner who's being cheated on to just think,

I thought that we understood that we were just trying to build this thing here.

I had no idea you were feeling emotionally neglected.

So sometimes there's a valid emotional neglect going on,

But then again,

It's up to the partners to communicate that effectively so infidelity doesn't happen.

Number two,

Communication breakdown.

Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts,

Causing one or both partners to feel isolated.

Over time,

The lack of meaningful interaction can create a void that someone else might fill.

Now,

This is dangerous for any relationship.

When either party begins to just neglect the other partner,

Communication breaks down when we start to take one another for granted.

So there is a greater opportunity for infidelity to creep in or the potential for infidelity to creep in when there is an underappreciation for the other partner.

Number three,

Subconscious self-sabotage.

Some people cheat as a form of subconscious self-sabotage.

This destructive behavior often stems from two different things.

The fear of intimacy,

Paradoxically,

The fear of deep emotional intimacy can lead someone to sabotage a relationship through infidelity.

By cheating,

They create distance,

Thereby avoiding vulnerability and the potential pain of a deeply intimate connection.

This is something that you really want to work out and figure out,

Is that what's going on with your partner?

Because that's something,

Dear one,

You cannot fix.

If this person has a fear of intimacy and they're self-sabotaging their potential happiness and they're not willing to work that through,

It's so important that you don't take that on and you understand that's in them and they have to have the desire to want to change that,

The wherewithal to change that,

And they have to be willing to do the work.

Some people aren't,

And you have to figure that out sooner than later.

Number two is low self-esteem.

Those with low self-esteem may cheat as a way to assert their worth or desirability.

The attention and affection from someone new can temporarily boost their self-worth,

Even though it ultimately undermines their primary relationship.

I wanted to talk about these hidden reasons for infidelity because we all know that so many people who are narcissistic,

This comes with the program,

That a narcissist is insatiable.

They need to be superior.

They need to maintain dominance and control.

And so we're flooded with that type of information today.

We get it.

But for the rest of us,

Those of us who may or may not be in a relationship with someone who's highly narcissistic and someone who we contend to assume has a higher propensity to cheat and infidelity than the average person,

We have to expand our understanding and recognize there are other reasons for infidelity,

Boredom.

People get bored in their marriage.

And so not that that's a valid reason,

But it could lead back to why someone would cheat in a relationship.

So let's run them through again,

The three hidden causes of cheating in relationships or your partner's unresolved childhood issues.

Number two,

Psychological and emotional disconnect within the relationship,

Whether you're aware of it or not,

Which is tied to a breakdown in communication and subconscious self-sabotaging patterns within your partner.

So addressing the hidden causes is really important.

Understanding these hidden causes of cheating is the first step toward addressing and preventing infidelity in relationships.

So here are some strategies that you might want to work on.

Number one would obviously be therapy and counseling.

Individual or couples therapy can help uncover and address unresolved childhood issues,

The emotional disconnect in your relationship and your partner's self-sabotaging behaviors.

Of course,

They have to be willing 100%.

I was in a relationship with my first husband.

He played me along for a very long time.

He placated me in therapy.

And once I figured that out,

I finally got to the point where I realized nothing's going to change.

I made the most difficult decision in my life to end my marriage,

But that's something each of us has to figure out.

I don't think that we should throw relationships away.

I think relationships could be the most,

And it should be,

One of the most satisfying experiences that we can experience as human beings because we've been born to love and to be loved.

And so to find that person who you are compatible with,

Who is willing to say,

I'm not perfect and I'm willing to do whatever I have to to make sure that you and I work and you're willing to do the same thing,

I think it's absolutely beautiful.

So you have to figure out if your partner is capable of that and willing of that.

Number two,

Improving communication.

So fostering open and honest communication can help partners express their needs,

Resolve conflicts as they come up,

And build stronger emotional connections.

People develop the emotional maturity,

The emotional autonomy.

They learn the language.

They know how to speak about their emotions from the prefrontal lobe and the neocortex versus the reactive amygdala and versus through the lens of childhood trauma or the hippocampus.

And this really allows them to be more realistic,

More vulnerable,

And more willing to ebb in the direction of change.

How do you fix a tire that you don't know how to fix?

If you don't have the right tools to fix it,

You can't.

So recognizing a problem is awesome,

But equipping yourself with the tools that you need is what is going to create the change.

So the third thing that we can do to address the hidden causes of cheating is build self-esteem.

Encouraging personal growth and self-awareness in your partners or anyone that is on the path of this type of self-destruction can help people build a healthier sense of self,

Reducing the need for external validation.

So if someone is highly codependent or someone has an anxious attachment style and this has led them down this path,

Opening them up to their self-sabotaging ways so that they have an opportunity to fix it.

Sometimes this happens with couples and the person who's been cheated on is like,

No,

I don't want this project.

Okay,

That's fine.

Well,

Here's an opportunity for the person who did cheat to grow from it,

To learn,

Oh,

Wow,

Like I just threw my entire life away.

I threw my family away and now I know why,

And I'm never going to let that happen again.

That does happen.

We all come here to expand and we all come here to grow.

So if you are someone who has cheated in the past,

Understanding how you got there is going to help you move forward in your life and expand in ways that help you grow as an individual and move you towards this path of emotional maturity,

Spiritual awakening,

And feeling more fulfilled as a person in your true sense of self,

Your authentic self.

So in conclusion,

Cheating is a complex issue with multiple layers.

By recognizing and addressing the hidden causes,

Couples can work towards healing and building stronger,

More resilient relationships.

Understanding these deeper issues not only helps in preventing infidelity,

But also fosters a deeper connection and mutual respect within the relationship.

So all is not lost,

Dear one.

We do survive as painful as these things do.

And as long as we grow from them,

Then we have learned a lesson.

And that is part of a growth mindset.

That is where resiliency comes from.

And so I hope that this has been helpful for you and has given you some food for thought.

Again,

I want to thank you so much for being part of the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

Reviews

This is not a chapter I would have written for my life. It’s been 6 years since my husband confessed his multiple betrayals. We are both in individual therapy and marital therapy. I come from a violent upbringing and my father always cheated on my mother. Luckily when my husband told me, I’d been doing EMDR for three years for complex PTSD; I didn’t blame myself, so that was new to me. In many ways, our marriage is more authentic now and he is starting to communicate more, but my grief still comes in waves. I felt completely safe with him before and now I can’t find that sense of safety and trust. The evidence shows me he is trying to fix it, but perhaps it’s not enough for me? I just know I never wanted to deal with this in my life after witnessing it growing up. I’m disappointed, disgusted, disillusioned, and plain old tired.

Rather rudimentry