13 Signs You Might Be Codependent

The greatest understanding you can ever acquire is the understanding of self. Codependency is tied to an ill perception of self that manifests in habitual, subconscious, dysfunctional behaviors that eventually impact relationships. The relationship your consciousness has with its perception of the 'self' that makes you – you are the foundation for all that you experience in life. In this episode, Lisa helps identify 13 signs that you may be struggling with an ill perception of self.

Transcript

So today we're going to be talking about the 13 signs or some of the signs that you might be codependent.

So codependency isn't something that you can go to the doctor for,

Have them give you a blood test,

Or have an x-ray and say,

I think I have codependency,

Doc.

Can you confirm this for me?

They can't,

Because codependency is not something that you can look at on a CAT scan or an x-ray.

It's not something that you can look at in a Petri dish.

Codependency is tied to the way you feel about yourself.

It's tied to your perception of the self.

Now you can't feel your perception,

But you can feel the way you feel about yourself.

I know it sounds complicated,

But just think about it.

How do you feel about yourself?

What does it feel like to be you?

Do you like being you?

Does it feel awesome to be you?

Do you feel good enough?

Do you feel talented?

Do you believe in your capabilities?

Do you believe that if trouble came,

You'd handle it?

Do you believe that no matter what comes your way,

You'll roll with it?

You'll be able to make decisions in the moment,

And you'll be able to handle your life just fine.

Or do you feel insecure about who you are?

Do you wonder if you're good enough?

Do you wonder if you'll ever be happy?

Do you wonder if you deserve happiness?

Now these questions will tell you how you feel about the self.

Codependency is tied to an identity problem.

It means I don't have a healthy sense of self.

It means my perceptions of self are lacking.

And when we have an identity issue,

We show up in relationships in a particular way,

Certainly not in a healthy way.

And so let's talk about the 13 signs that you might be codependent.

Number one,

You feel guilty about everything,

Even if you've done nothing wrong.

Even when you know you've done nothing wrong.

Something happens at the office.

Your boss is angry.

You hear their anger.

You feel guilty.

Your ex-husband is upset.

You feel guilty.

Your kids are upset.

You feel responsible.

Everything is your fault.

You have this overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that you carry with you and you don't know why.

Number two,

You feel abandoned over the slightest situations.

And so people are talking at a cocktail party and you look over and you just assume they're talking about you.

They don't like you.

You're feeling abandoned.

You hear about a dinner party that some friends of a friend are having and you feel abandoned.

So there's this overwhelming sense of abandonment.

You can be in a relationship,

Part of a group,

And just feel alone and abandoned inside the relationship and inside the group.

I'm not talking about situations in which you are living with an emotionally absent partner,

Somebody who struggles with empathy,

Impairment.

I'm talking about a constant sense that I am alone in this world and I am abandoned by everyone and everything.

Number three,

You feel over responsible.

So you're a person who takes on the responsibility of others.

Your friend gets a DUI.

You bail them out.

They need a drive to work.

You rearrange your schedule to make sure that you get them back and forth to work.

They can take the bus.

They can take mass transit.

They can suffer the consequences of their actions,

But you are uncomfortable with this feeling and so you take on over responsibilities for someone who is irresponsible.

We're talking about somebody who is over responsible and has a difficult time allowing someone who is irresponsible to suffer the consequences of their actions.

Number four,

You worry more about what others think about you than what you think about you.

So you're getting ready for a date and I hope he likes my dress or I hope she likes the cologne or I hope I order the right meal or I hope I do good enough for my mother-in-law or I hope my mother likes what I have to say or I hope I answer the questions the right way.

So you worry more about what other people think about you and your decisions and it very rarely if ever crosses your mind to question whether or not you like these other people or whether or not you are fond of them.

It's all about you being obsessed about what other people think about you.

You number five,

You distrust that others really love you even if you're in a long-term relationship when someone says I love you,

You'll struggle to believe that it's true.

On a deep visceral level you don't feel worthy of love and so you will reject this love.

You won't be able to take it in.

This is tied to feeling abandoned as a child because you were deprived of love and on a psychological level,

Deep emotional level,

You at one point in your life decided that you were not worthy of love and that's why you didn't receive love and that is the codependent lie that we all have to unravel.

And number six,

You are anxious and never feel good enough.

So there's this undercurrent of anxiety and if you think deep enough about it,

It will be tied to not feeling good enough.

That's not your fault.

Number seven,

You suffered emotional neglect,

Abuse and childhood abandonment.

So think back into your history.

Did you feel secure as a child?

Did you feel seen?

Did you feel heard?

Did you feel loved?

Did you feel wanted?

Did you feel understood?

Or were you ignored when you cried?

Were you raised by people who were unable to attune themselves to you?

Very important questions because in the answers to those questions,

You will understand yourself and the way you feel and perceive about yourself.

So it's all part of unraveling the codependent mind.

Number eight,

Your parents were dysfunctional,

Immature,

Codependent,

Alcoholics,

Abusive and or narcissistic.

So the level of a parent's maturity and emotional maturity is very important.

If you were raised by people who were self-absorbed because they were codependent or narcissistic or alcoholics or addicts,

Um,

Shopaholics or gamblers,

If there was an active addiction in your house,

Sex addiction and alike,

Then you may have grown up feeling like no matter what you did,

It was not enough to gain a connection to the people that you had a right to bond with.

And without this bond,

You end up feeling very alone and emotionally and psychologically isolated from other people.

And these have crippling effects and this dear one is not your fault.

Number nine,

You people please.

You don't know what else to do.

You learned early on that if you acquiesce,

People are less violent,

Less abusive,

Less confrontational.

You learned that in people pleasing,

You can hold on to some sense of attachment to someone that you love.

You learned that talking about your needs,

Um,

Made it a very scary situation for you.

Many children are abused when they speak up.

Many children are chastised and humiliated,

Um,

Abandoned when they speak up.

And so their brain learns up too much pain with that.

I'll just say yes when I mean no,

I'll smile on cue.

Mommy likes when I smile on cue.

Daddy isn't so mean to me when I fetch his beer and his paper and his slippers.

And so we become adults who have developed this behavioral pattern of people pleasing.

And until we become aware of it,

We cannot change it.

Number 10,

You feel stuck.

You berate yourself because you don't know how to change.

You know you're in a toxic relationship.

You know that your people please,

You know that you feel guilty,

But you don't know how to change.

You assume responsibility as if the download that you received was your fault.

You feel stuck.

You don't know that until you see a hole in the wall,

You can't fix it.

Remember what I said earlier,

Codependency is not something dear one that you can see.

It's a very subjective experience.

And so no,

No one,

No doctor is going to say,

Oh,

There it is.

Your codependency is found in your left kneecap.

It's not going to happen.

And so you don't see the hole in the wall.

So you don't know how to fix it.

And that's why podcasts like these,

Learning about codependency is so valuable because in the learning about it,

You also learn tools.

But the first step is recognizing what's wrong.

Number 11,

You either cling to people or you push people away.

So you either are looking to completely enmesh with someone,

Please like me,

Please like me,

Or you're so afraid of love that you push people away.

Number 12,

Your relationships can be turbulent,

Unsatisfying,

Stale,

But you don't know how to let go.

They are dysfunctional,

But you don't know how to ask for your needs to get met.

And you've manifested someone who can't meet your needs.

Number 13,

You don't leave unhealthy relationships.

So if you're highly codependent,

You have trouble with boundaries.

You don't even know what a healthy boundary looks like.

Again,

It's not your fault.

You don't feel good enough.

So you don't feel worthy of a healthy relationship.

On some level,

You may even struggle wondering if you're worthy of a healthy relationship.

And so many of us just say,

Well,

At least I have a relationship.

That's just not good enough.

When you have parents who stay together,

When you know they should have divorced and gotten help,

You've been taught to stick it out.

When you have a mother who is angry because she's married to a man who's abusive,

Sometimes that mother will be very angry if one of her children decide to get out of their dysfunctional marriage.

So you get mixed signals.

Sometimes your religion will force you to stay in a toxic relationship.

And so it's important that those of us who are struggling with self-esteem and self-worth,

We really investigate whether or not we are struggling with codependency,

Which is a problem with our identity that manifests in behaviors and eventually becomes toxic relationship dynamics.

I hope this has been helpful,

Dear ones.

If you'd like to check out my work,

Please go to www.

Lisaarimano.

Com.

I am someone who is absolutely passionate and dedicated to helping abused adult children awaken to what's wrong.

It is my desire to help you understand that it was never you.

It was just your programming.

Bye for now.

Reviews

TYSM 💗 You're a wonderful teacher and inspiring healer

Excellent. Thank you.

🙏💙

Thank you, Lisa! So insightful as always. These talks have been a crucial component of my healing path. Grateful! ✨

Really great! 💫

I didn't know I was until very recently. I was and always have been "Miss Independent" .... Crazy how it can be the opposite. Thank you for this enlightenment, I needed this ✨💛✨

Couldn't ask for a better breakdown of codepency. Thank you Lisa

Wow I have all 13 thank for this ❤️

Very helpful! Thank you!

Wow.. first of your talks I have listened to... I thought I would be going to sleep after this 12 minute talk.. Now I will probably be up all night to hear more! so helpful and I will be sharing with my mom and sister. Thank you so much. Looks like I have some healing to do.

It’d be even more helpful to hear l

dang, i am still codependent...even more than I thought. thank you Lisa, well done, very helpful 🙏🏼

Thankyou. I look forward to listening and learning more

Thank you...very helpful!

Hi Lisa,
Thank you for this beautiful talk. Could you share what are the various types of dependence e.g co-dependence or interdependence ? Also what is the name of podcast you shared in the talk?
Regards,
Arpit

Thank you Lisa, these podcasts are so helpful. Love and blessings 💙 x

So much thanks Lisa🙏 It was a real therapy session to get aware of very important things

Wow, that was an eye opener! Here I was thinking I knew what codependency meant but I was way off the mark.. so many components to this.. thank you for making me more aware.. still more work to do but I will start my day with.. I am enough.. I am worthy..I am Love! Thank you 🙏♥️ have a blessed day ☺️

I really needed to hear this. Thank you..

On point. How different my life could have bern if I had known this 40 years ago instead of 3 years ago . Lists are great for me and I could identity with all of these. Happy to say my life is simple and happy now in my golden years! Thank you for your work and sharing it on Insight Timer. Namaste. 💜