10 Disturbing Ways Narcissists Control You

In this episode, you will explore 10 distinct forms of narcissistic manipulation tactics and the true agenda of a narcissist with whom you must engage, communicate, parent, and resolve issues. Those who display narcissistic traits often do not recognize themselves as narcissists. Instead, they tend to hold on to their grand illusions of themselves or see themselves as the victims of others. When they are up, it is because they believe others see them as the best, smartest, most beautiful, creative or talented. When they are down, that is because they feel victimized by evidence that someone, maybe you, no longer feed into their grand illusions of themselves.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

A narcissist will absolutely work to derail conversations.

A narcissist will rely on gaslighting to confuse you and get you to doubt your reality.

A narcissist will play the victim,

Hoping that you will feel sorry for them and never hold them accountable.

I didn't know what narcissism was.

I didn't even know what codependency was when I was in my first toxic marriage.

Thankfully,

I'm in a very healthy marriage these days,

But that first go-around was super confusing.

I spent 12 years scratching my head,

Thinking that it was me,

There was something wrong with me.

I just wasn't understanding him enough.

I just wasn't giving him enough clarity.

When I looked around the room,

Everybody loved him.

I really believe if you met my ex today,

You would probably like him too.

It was super confusing.

I never understood what was really going on.

I didn't understand that I was being mentally and emotionally,

Spiritually manipulated.

I really did think there was something wrong with me.

I was broken,

And there was just something so negative about me that all I could see was the negative in him.

That was a narrative that I grew up with.

I grew up with a verbally abusive mother who called me selfish,

Who called me a liar all the time,

Who insinuated that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

I felt like her whipping post,

I felt like I was the one that she took all of her anger out on,

And I stand by that today.

I understand that my mother was an unrecovered adult child of an alcoholic,

And probably a dry alcoholic herself,

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't damaged.

That doesn't mean that my self-esteem was not crippled by her wounds.

That is irrelevant.

Her wounds,

Not that they were irrelevant to her.

What I mean by that is that that has no bearing on the fact that I was affected by her unhealed wounds.

So,

Today I wanted to share about 10 ways that someone who's highly narcissistic will speak to someone who tends to be more codependent in an attempt to keep them stuck in this trauma bonded situation.

If you are someone who is highly agreeable,

If you are someone who is highly empathic,

If you are somebody who wants to connect to other people and you have a hard time setting boundaries,

You feel like the peacekeeper.

Maybe you're someone who is struggling with low self-worth.

Maybe you are someone who did not marry a happy person.

You married a project.

You married someone that you knew was wounded and you thought you could fix them,

And now you've backed yourself into a corner.

Well,

This session is for you.

Narcissists use manipulative conversational tactics to confuse,

Control,

And emotionally drain you.

That is their goal.

These behaviors are actually designed to destabilize your sense of self,

So you're not going to know who you are or what you need or what you want,

Making it easier for them to exert dominance over your emotions and even your decision-making faculties.

So they'll control your decisions.

If you grew up in a home where your feelings were dismissed or you were gaslighted or ignored,

Your feelings were ignored,

You were ignored,

Your soul was ignored,

You might be conditioned to accept these tactics as normal.

Remember,

The brain prefers the familiar,

Not the healthy,

But the familiar.

Codependents and highly empathic people are especially vulnerable because they tend to give others the benefit of the doubt.

They assume that others have good intentions.

And they also take responsibility for fixing or maintaining the relationships,

Even the toxic ones.

And it's important that if this is you,

You understand these 10 very clear manipulative conversation tactics that a narcissist uses and the psychological mechanisms behind them.

Number one is the infamous word salad.

A narcissist is a person who has a lot of self-esteem,

A lot of pride,

A lot of self-esteem,

A narcissist speaks in circles.

They contradict themselves and they derail logical discussions.

So you'll feel like you're going crazy because nothing will make sense.

And this is to create confusion.

The goal is not to reach an understanding with you,

But to exhaust you emotionally so that you eventually give up trying to assert your point.

This is the way they get to avoid responsibility.

And so why does this work with someone who's codependent?

Well,

Codependents crave clarity.

We crave resolution.

When a narcissist keeps shifting the conversation in illogical ways,

If you are codependent,

You will often overanalyze and then over explain and keep engaging,

Hoping to make sense of it.

You'll keep asking them for clarity,

But dear one,

That's the trap.

You're not supposed to make sense of it.

You're supposed to surrender.

That's what they want you to do.

And in spiritual terms or in healthy terms,

You might have to surrender simply to what you can't control.

Number two is gaslighting.

So gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a narcissist denies the events that have actually happened.

They'll rewrite history or they'll imply that you made things up.

They'll say that you're overreacting.

And what this does is that's going to make you doubt your perception of reality.

And over time,

This can lead to cognitive dissonance,

Where your inner knowing conflicts with the false reality that they create,

And you won't know which to honor.

You'll be so confused and dazed.

You'll feel very full of self-doubt.

Now why does this work on somebody who's codependent?

If you were raised in an environment where your reality was dismissed,

Maybe you were marginalized or minimized,

You may already second guess yourself.

So you might already have self-doubt.

So narcissists will exploit this by making you feel like you're too sensitive or you're crazy when you try to call out their manipulation or you keep asking them to explain themselves because you believe what they said doesn't make sense.

Number three is projection.

So narcissists accuse you of the very things that they're guilty of.

Narcissists will call you greedy because they're greedy,

Or they'll accuse you of cheating because they're cheating.

They'll accuse you of lying when they're lying.

And that's so that you become defensive and shift your focus away from their behavior.

Why will this be particularly confusing for someone who is codependent or highly empathic?

It's because people who have these traits and empathic traits often assume that others are honest and that others are self-aware.

And when accused of something false,

A codependent will work really hard to disprove it rather than recognizing it as a projection tactic.

I got caught in that loop for many,

Many years.

And it's not fun.

Number four is guilt tripping.

So a narcissist will use your past mistakes and even things that you shared in secret.

They'll use your love for them or your sense of duty against you.

They make statements like,

After everything I've ever done for you,

This is how you're going to treat me.

Or after everything I've done for you,

This is what you're going to accuse me of.

And this is to instill guilt and essentially make you abandon your boundaries,

Which is they win if they do that.

Now,

Again,

Going back to someone who is highly codependent or empathic,

The reason this will work is because codependents tend to put others' needs before their own.

So if you grew up in an emotionally manipulative environment,

Guilt became a primary tool used to control you.

And when a narcissist uses guilt as a manipulative conversation tactic,

It might feel very normal for you.

A narcissist will sense this vulnerability in you and exploit it.

They'll exploit that you tend to feel guilty,

That you overexplain yourself,

Or that you yourself have an intense need to be understood.

And so they'll stand there and they'll talk to you and they'll act like they can't understand you because they know that you feel like you need to be understood.

Number five,

They interrupt and talk over you.

So by cutting you off mid-sentence or speaking over you,

A narcissist dominates the conversations and what they're trying to do is prevent you from expressing your full thought.

This tactic is about power and control,

Reinforcing that your voice doesn't matter.

And that's really what they're saying when they talk over you.

You don't matter.

Now,

Why does this work with somebody who tends to be codependent?

If you're codependent,

Then you've been conditioned to believe that your opinions are less important or that it's rude to assert yourself in conversations.

You may unconsciously allow this dynamic to continue.

You might worry that this other person is going to feel like you're being too pushy and that will prevent you from developing that stainless steel spine you need to assert yourself.

Number six,

Playing the victim.

Even when they've hurt you,

A narcissist will flip the script and claim they're the real victim.

This forces you to conform.

And what happens,

Even though they hurt you,

You're upset with them for something they did to you,

Suddenly you're comforting them.

They're feeling vulnerable and you're taking accountability for how they feel after they hurt you and you tried to hold them accountable.

Now,

An empath or a codependent,

People who are codependent and have high empathy are those who naturally need to be needed and naturally want to help and heal others.

So when a narcissist starts crying or claiming that they're misunderstood and they're so hurt by being misunderstood and being accused of something they didn't do,

A codependent will instinctively shift into a caretaking mode and forget that they were the one that was actually hurt.

That's why I teach people how to hold onto their reality and access their emotions so a narcissist can't get them to skate over that codependent's actual experience.

Number seven,

A narcissist will change the subject constantly.

If you call out their bad behavior,

A narcissist will quickly change the topic to something completely irrelevant or they'll turn it back on you.

And this can feel maddening,

Especially when you're really upset and you feel like,

I finally have a ground to stand on,

That's what they're going to do.

They might say something to you like,

Well,

Remember when you did this five years ago?

It's all to take the focus off of what it is you're trying to resolve.

Someone like myself,

Who's a recovering codependent,

This worked on me because I really wanted to have an honest,

Productive conversation.

And instead of recognizing that the person that I was dealing with was constantly changing the subject,

As a manipulative tactic,

I just kept following that distraction down the rabbit hole.

And that left the issues that I was trying to resolve completely unresolved,

Absolutely maddening.

Number eight is triangulation.

A narcissist will bring a third party into the conversation,

Real or imagined,

To validate their point.

They might say,

Even my friends think that you're crazy.

Even my friends think that you're overreacting.

Even the therapist said,

Sometimes people fight,

So what are you making a big deal out of this one?

And this is to make you feel like you're outnumbered,

And like you should be doubting your feelings.

Now,

Someone who has codependency is already struggling with self-doubt.

So hearing that others supposedly agree with the narcissist will intensify your personal fear that you're wrong,

And that there's something wrong with you.

And it will get you to question your judgment even more.

Number nine is threats and intimidation.

This can be subtle.

You'll regret this,

Or watch your back,

Or overt.

If you leave me,

I'm going to ruin your reputation.

These threats create intense fear inside of you,

And you could be so afraid of the outcome that you stay trapped in the relationship.

This is going to work on you,

Especially if you're codependent,

If you have a fear of abandonment.

Often those of us who are codependent,

When we're faced with threats,

We tend to comply just to keep the peace,

Even at our own expense.

We're so afraid of the negative outcome that we become arrested and frozen.

And number 10 is love bombing and future faking.

If a narcissist senses that you're going to pull away,

They'll suddenly shower you with affection.

They'll shower you with gifts and promises,

And they're promising to change,

But of course they won't.

Once they regain control,

The old pattern is going to rear its ugly head again.

This works with codependence because we tend to be people that hope for the best result.

If we have an anxious attachment style,

We tend to cling to promises,

Wanting to believe that this fantasy will eventually unfold.

We want to believe that this time will be different.

That was the fantasy we held as children,

That one day I'm going to be able to make mommy happy.

One day I'll say the right thing and daddy will be happy.

One day I'll be a good enough little girl and my family will be nice to me.

One day,

One day.

So we fall for the future faking.

And I think it's really important that those of us who have high codependency traits,

Well first,

If you don't think that you do,

And this session resonated with you,

I think it's really important that you do this self-inquiry work and you see if you identify.

And there are other resources that you can look into also to figure out,

Do I have codependency?

Am I codependent?

Do I have codependency traits?

Because that is so important.

It's sort of like knowing that you have a allergic reaction to the sun.

If you have an allergic reaction to the sun,

Then you can arm yourself against the sun.

You can wear sunscreen,

You can wear a hat,

You can wear long sleeves,

You can wear SPF.

It's the same thing.

When you are highly empathic,

When you are highly agreeable,

When you are codependent,

If you have childhood trauma,

You need to know that those traits alone are going to make you more susceptible to people who are narcissistic and are predator type people and seek to take from you.

I have had these people in my life.

These people have affected my children's lives in their relationships.

I can tell you it is holy hell to unwind and to detangle from these people in your life.

So I say empower yourself by understanding what the tactics are of a narcissist,

But also empower yourself by knowing what it is about you that makes you more susceptible to a narcissist because your power can only be found in healing the self and learning how to no longer be vulnerable to these types of predator type personalities.

That is where your power lies.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Powerfull!! 💯🫶🙏

Always spot on! thanks Lisa R.

I get confused when I’m trying to set a boundary and she’s argumentative and angry. I wish I had step by step instructions on what to say when I forget

Thank you so much!

Excellent as usual for this teacher.

Love Lisa her talks are so informative and I learn so much. Thank you

Thank you Lisa for your dedication to help others heal from codependency and narcissistic abuse. It's subtle abuse! So it's what we grew up with and know. 60 years of programming. I love the knowledge to shift. it's such a joy to know that times are changing. That the education is there now to help people like me and all of us change the programming. I'm feeling so thankful for all you do. Your compassion is so big. I'm so dedicated to Healing every day. Much love🙏😍