Approach Vs Avoidance: Drivers Of Success Vs. Spirituality

In this talk, I explore two deep forces that quietly shape the human mind and spiritual path: approach and avoidance. These forces are rooted in our tendency to seek pleasure and expansion, or to avoid pain and harm — and they influence how we relate to desire, fear, success, restraint, and awakening.

I explain how approach energy expresses itself as striving, ambition, confidence, and forward movement, while avoidance energy shows up as caution, renunciation, discipline, and non-harm. Drawing from Eastern spiritual traditions, I look at how avoidance-based orientations emphasize accuracy, humility, and restraint — and how these qualities can support inner stability and wisdom.

At the same time, I explore what happens when either force becomes unbalanced: how excessive striving fuels restlessness and ego, and how excessive avoidance can turn into fear, rigidity, or stagnation. This is about recognizing these energies within yourself and learning how to integrate them.

Transcript

Hey this is Ish and in today's talk I'll be going over the approach and avoidance systems in our mind and how these two forces have an influence over a lot of things such as your thinking,

Your mindset,

Your lifestyle and I'll also be expanding further on how these two basic human forces affect not only yourself but society and the bigger culture that you're part of.

So the approach and avoidance systems are embedded in human beings.

As human beings we want to avoid pain and seek pleasure.

So obviously that makes sense but I'll be going over further what happens when you are inhabiting one side more than the other and even the extreme examples where you are completely in approach mode or completely in avoidance mode and some of the benefits,

The cautions and just more information about each.

Now if you want to learn more about the approach and avoidance systems there are a few books that I recommend.

The first is Focus by Daniel Pink where he goes over both the approach and avoidance systems and gives a framework for both and he calls it the promotion versus prevention mindset.

The next book is The Winner Effect by Ian Robertson where he focuses more on the approach side of things and if you want to learn more about the avoidance side of things or prevention orientation you can read any spiritual text that originated from Asia.

This would include the Pali Canon,

Buddhism or the Tao Te Ching for example.

So let's now talk about the approach orientation.

So again approach orientation is where you focus on rewards and what you can potentially gain out of a situation as opposed to scanning of what could go wrong.

Now there are great benefits of this and this is talked about in The Winner Effect like I mentioned.

So in The Winner Effect basically there have been a lot of studies where you take two humans or two animals competing for something and the winner of that competition experiences what is known as a winner effect where they receive increased testosterone and dopamine from winning and as a result of winning they are actually more likely to win again and this is because of the byproduct of winning.

So as you win a competition or get a promotion or experience any kind of success in life you receive increased testosterone and dopamine which in turn makes you more energetic,

More motivated,

More approach focused and you start to tilt your approach or mindset for instead of looking at what would go wrong or scanning for threats you are instead looking for rewards and you are actually scanning for it.

You become more motivated,

More euphoric,

More optimistic and winning also lowers your anxiety and as a result of winning further you start to expand more where you start to think abstractly,

You're able to find solutions that didn't exist and you become more driven and this increased energy and persistence makes you win more.

So this becomes a feedback loop where as you win more you win even further and you start to expand more and more.

The loser on the other hand starts to experience avoidance,

Worry,

Irrational pessimism and they are more likely to lose the next competition that they have.

So they expect failure,

They experience a decrease in dopamine activity,

They have reduced mood,

An increase in anxiety and as a result of that they perform worse,

They do less,

They withdraw.

So you can see how this becomes a feedback loop on both ends.

Now when we look into the promotion aspect of things and focusing on rewards,

Like I mentioned,

As you win more you scan for the rewards more and you pay attention less to what could go wrong.

I'll touch upon why this could be bad in a second.

So the promotion mindset and winning and getting rewards feels good and this is something that maybe isn't as emphasized as much in maybe spiritual communities but there's a certain euphoric quality that comes with anti-anxiety and a lot of cultures also promote this as well,

This approach mindset.

So individualistic societies and cultures promote going after what you want as opposed to avoiding losses,

Which again is the avoidance mindset.

And I've definitely observed this myself having lived in countries and cultures that promote both approach mindsets and also avoidance mindsets.

I was born in Singapore and I'm of Indian descent which tend to focus in these cultures,

Focus more on avoidance.

But I currently live in America,

So I'm an immigrant to America and America is very individualistic.

You have one culture,

It's all about,

You know,

Recreating yourself,

Manifesting what you want and going after what you want,

Reinventing yourself and a part of the pull of,

You know,

Being an immigrant moving here you can be whoever you want to be.

There's this entrepreneurial drive that comes with living in America as an immigrant.

So I can definitely see that this culture promotes going after what you want in life and going after the rewards.

But now let's look at what could go wrong potentially.

So there are some cautions with being tilted too much in the approach side of things.

So in your mindset,

As you continue to win and win more,

Start to focus more on the potential rewards,

You can actually develop a risk blindness.

So as I mentioned earlier,

As you rise in your power,

Your success,

Basically what winning does is that it turns the volume dial down on anxiety or fear of withdrawing.

But what happens is if you're so tilted in the approach spectrum of things,

Your anxiety is so low and your fear is so low that you take so many risks and you are unable to accurately judge what could go wrong.

And as a result,

Your risk taking turns into risky behavior and recklessness.

And throughout history,

There's countless examples of different leaders that have risen to a position of power and they lose all reality testing.

They become extremely narcissistic.

They think that nothing could go wrong.

They think they're above everything.

They have no fear at all.

And they do a lot of crazy things.

You can also see this in certain prison populations where,

You know,

If a person sees that they want something from another,

They are so focused on the reward,

They'll just go up to them and take steel from them and land up in jail.

So there is some cautions of being too much in the approach mindset if it's tilted far to the extreme.

And spiritual traditions actually caution about this.

And I've actually made warnings about this.

Verse 36 of the Tao Te Ching,

For example,

Says that what should be shrunken must first be stretched.

What should be weakened must first be strengthened.

So different Taoist sages have noticed over the years that a lot of people that have become very powerful,

Overly big,

They kind of get in their own way and destroy themselves or sabotage themselves.

They become too big and they cause their own downfall because they are completely blind to any kind of risk.

So now let's talk about the avoidance mindset.

And this is again talked about in a lot of spiritual traditions where instead of focusing on what could go right,

Looking at material rewards,

Instead this is a letting go of the attachment to rewards in the world or what's out there.

And instead,

Taking your attention and bringing it inwards to being happy with a lot less.

And instead of seeking more outside yourself,

You're centered from within,

You're happy with what you have,

And you have more stability in your life.

Another way to think of these two energies of approach and avoidance is like the yin energy,

Which is more nurturing,

More stable over time,

It looks at traditions versus the yang energy,

Which is a little bit chaotic,

A little bit fast.

It's kind of like a spark that changes things up.

Well,

With this yin energy or the avoidance energy,

It is focused more on preserving things of security or protection.

It's not putting yourself out there,

But instead looking at accuracy of preventing any kind of harm or any kind of loss in your life.

So it is all about safety.

And if everyone did practice avoidance mindsets,

And this approach to life,

You'll find that things are very safe.

You'll find that there's also a culture of non-harm.

People don't overextend themselves and say something crazy.

You're becoming more vigilant of your conduct,

Of how you present yourself.

So you can see this in collectivist cultures like Japan,

China,

India,

For example,

Where it's all about preserving the social harmony in the group.

And part of this collectivism is all about the culture at large.

So instead of focusing on yourself,

You are focusing on the group and other people.

And in the healthy doses of this,

You can create harmony in the environment.

And you have this community.

You feel like you are helped out because everyone is willing to help you out.

And in these cultures,

The idea of duty and obligations to others is emphasized a bit more.

And when you're making any kind of decisions in life,

Instead of focusing on yourself,

There's actually a focus first on other people and how it will affect other people.

So obviously,

In the healthy doses,

This is a wonderful thing because you are mindful of other people.

You're a container of safety,

Of peace,

Of harmony with everyone all around you.

There isn't much harm there.

And these are all very positive things that if everyone adopted,

The world will be a much safer and more peaceful place.

But now let's go over the cautions of being too far into the avoidance side of things,

Of the approach and avoidance spectrum.

So when you are engaged in the avoidance part of your mind,

You are vigilant.

And this vigilance is a sort of mindfulness that you are preventing any kind of harm.

So in the right doses,

That's okay.

But when it's taken to the extreme,

You're overly fearful,

Overly anxious.

And this anxiety actually prevents you from moving forward in life.

Because there are certain basic needs and things that humans enjoy.

But when you're overly fearful and scared,

You don't go forward and meet those needs.

It can also create stagnation in your life because you are overly focused on protecting what you have.

There can be a lot of perfectionism in the individual and also cultures that really focus on avoidance and not making any kind of mistakes.

So this can cause a lot of paranoia,

Of stress,

Of anxiety,

Of trying to make everything right.

And obviously you can't grow in life unless you make a lot of mistakes.

You're not,

You know,

You shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes,

Look dumb,

And just try things out.

But if you're overly focused again on avoidance,

You won't make certain mistakes that help you grow in life.

And in addition,

When you're constantly worried about what other people think of you,

Because again,

When you're in this collective culture or this avoidance culture,

Where you're constantly looking at the group to dictate how you can proceed in life,

You can also create not only a compliant society,

But also a judgmental society.

Because you're worried about what other people think of you.

So this can also create this certain standing on moral high ground where you are observing other people's behaviors and making comments about that,

And create again this judgmentalism.

And also compliance,

Because again,

You are so focused on group harmony,

Of not rocking the boat,

That you don't really challenge the status quo or think for yourself.

It's all about keeping the peace of saving face,

Not really challenging or speaking up when needed.

So as a result of this,

You are again moved by the agendas of others,

You don't think for yourself,

This can be very dangerous.

And also your self suffers because you are so focused on keeping the peace,

Avoiding mistakes,

Of putting the group over yourself,

That your individual self can suffer.

And when you're far embedded in this avoidance or prevention mindset of these cultures or ways of thinking,

You can actually think that or feel that you are expressing your needs and your desires can actually be seen as selfish.

So this actually even prevents you further from going forward.

So again,

These extremes are not helpful for both extreme approach focus,

Where again,

You are so blind to risk,

You're going after rewards,

You can potentially do,

You know,

Cause yourself harm.

And on the other hand,

If you're far too much in the avoidance side of things,

You can experience basically excess yin energy,

Where sure things are very safe,

But you can also fall into stagnation of being controlled by groups around you,

Of being hypervigilant.

And also the self suffers over the collective group that you're part of.

So again,

You want to find this balance.

And it can also be helpful after you know,

Watch this talk to start to think about and reflect throughout your day,

Where are you on the spectrum?

Are you to go focus to focus on rewards that you can be seen as insensitive and,

You know,

Fearless,

Are you causing yourself a bit too much harm,

Then you maybe want to start to introduce some of these spiritual teachings of restraint,

Of renunciation,

Of thinking of the group,

Of thinking what could go wrong,

And monitor yourself.

And on the other hand,

If you,

If you've gone too much down the route of avoidance,

You feel like your life is lacking,

You tend to be stagnating life,

You lack this vitality,

This euphoria,

This confidence of happiness that comes from the winner effect and winning in life and going after rewards,

Then you may need to start to introduce,

Again,

Some of the qualities of the winner effect of approaching of looking at rewards.

So it is both.

And I actually think you can find a happy medium where if you do tap into the approach mindset enough,

You can use it to help the world all around you and also be sensible and not be too reckless.

It's a fine balance,

You may fall a few times,

But eventually you'll find the right balance for you that will not only serve yourself,

But also the world at large.

Thank you.

Reviews

Great talk! Thank you for the book references too for further exploration of this subject. 🙏🏻