IFS Exercise: Connect With An Exile (Optional Unburdening)

This guided Internal Family Systems (IFS) exercise invites you to connect with an exile—an inner part that holds tender emotions like shame, fear, loneliness, rejection, or unworthiness. These parts are often buried beneath layers of protection, but with Self-energy and compassionate attention, they can begin to feel seen and supported. If you do not have permission of your protectors do to this go and do the other guided exercise that help you build trust with protectors.

This practice will help you gently notice and be with an exile, support unblending, and begin to build a healing Self-to-part connection. An optional unburdening is offered if it feels right for you and your system.

This is deep work—go slowly, listen inward, and trust what arises. You may want to keep a journal nearby to reflect on what you notice.

Transcript

Welcome.

In this exercise,

I am going to guide you to connect with an exile.

Now in internal family systems,

An exile is a part of us that is often holding a core wound,

A burden of unworthiness,

Of not feeling good enough,

Of feeling alone,

Rejected,

Abandoned.

These parts are holding the overwhelming experience where our protectors are trying to help us not experience what the exile is holding.

We have parts like inner critics or perfectionism parks,

Parts that work really hard to keep us away from this.

We have firefighters that might go to food or drugs or alcohol or exercise or different things to help us from not feeling this aloneness,

This unworthiness,

This deep pain that is held by our exiles.

So in this exercise,

I do want to make sure that you get permission from your protectors to be with the exile.

Now this may or may not be possible.

You may also just be getting really blended with a part of you that is feeling the overwhelming feelings of unworthiness or not good enough and this exercise may help you get some space from this part.

So instead of being blended with the experience of feeling unworthy or alone,

You can be with it.

So it might be at the point where you can ask your protectors if you can be with a part of yourself that is feeling unworthy or not good enough or alone or you might be in a little bit of a crisis situation where you're feeling very blended with a part that feels alone and unworthy and this exercise may be able to help you get a little bit of space.

So just knowing that,

I trust your system.

If at any time you don't want to be doing this exercise anymore,

You can stop it and then maybe come back to some grounding tools,

Some movements,

Some breath,

Connecting with a friend,

Whatever kind of helps your nervous system.

Humming,

Singing,

Water,

Cold,

Nature.

And as we move through this exercise,

I am going to offer a number of invitations or questions.

Some may land,

Some may not.

Take what works,

Leave what doesn't.

You may also just decide to pause halfway through if you feel like you are connected and just want to be in this space for longer and then you may start it up again or not.

And so just tuning in.

Maybe there is already a part present that you're noticing that is feeling this unworthiness,

The aloneness,

The overwhelming emotions your system is working hard to get you away from or you've come here to explore a part that you know feels unworthy or not good enough and you've got that permission from your protectors to be with them.

So maybe just taking a moment and checking in.

If you need to pause the recording here,

You can until you get permission and focus on the part that you'd like to move forward with.

If you don't have permission from protectors,

You may want to go and do one of my other recordings of just being with a protector and self-energy to build that trust before doing this exercise.

But if you have permission or you don't feel like you have much of a choice but to try to connect and help a part that's blending,

I want you just to turn your attention inward.

Maybe you have your journal with you if it helps to externalize the part share or just a piece of paper and a pen.

And I want you to notice either this part is already here,

This exile,

Or you're inviting them forward.

Part that might feel alone,

Unworthy,

Not good enough,

Feeling overwhelmed.

Sometimes I just get a sensation in my solar plexus when I know an exile is activated.

It's just some extreme sensations inside of my body that I get curious about.

So wherever you're focusing today,

Just inviting that part forward or focusing on how you're feeling them right now inside of the system.

What are the sensations associated with this part?

Where can you feel them in around your body or in your head?

Maybe you write down what you notice or you just take a mental note and focus in those places.

And as you focus with curiosity,

Just begin to notice.

Notice the depth of the sensation.

Is there a density to it?

Is it light or heavy?

Is it expansive?

What are the edges of it?

Noticing the sensations.

As you notice with curiosity,

Maybe there's some feelings,

Some emotions.

Maybe you write them down.

Maybe you just notice,

Staying curious at what's here right now.

Maybe you notice thoughts,

Writing those down.

Maybe there's an image or you could draw the part.

Just keep noticing with curiosity,

Witnessing what's showing up here.

As you get more and more curious,

Notice if you get the sense that the part is aware,

That you're being curious about it,

That you're noticing.

As you do that,

I want you to check in.

How do you feel towards them?

Now,

If you're noticing parts that might be blended,

That feel frustrated,

Judgmental,

Critical,

I want you to invite those parts to take a seat to the side.

Even just for a few moments,

Reassuring them that you're only going towards this part to help it heal,

Not to get overwhelmed by it.

See if they could take a seat to the side,

And if they don't like what happens next,

They can come in and stop it.

You can stay very close,

Not asking them to leave the room.

Before they step back,

They may need to share some of their concerns and just validating them.

If you are noticing quite a few protectors,

You may need to pause the recording here.

Just listening and validating and reassuring that you're only here to help this younger part.

And they can stay in the room,

But what they could do is give a little bit of space for your heart.

See if you can sense just even a sliver of openness in your heart.

Sometimes it's just a felt sense that there's a bit of openness.

If you're a visual person,

I like to just visualize my heart and my chest.

And then I sense or feel a little bit of openness,

A sliver,

Where there is this energy that kind of radiates out.

Sometimes it kind of looks like sunlight.

Sometimes it almost looks like lava.

Sometimes it looks like golden sparkles.

There's no right or wrong.

You're just seeing if your protectors would leave just a sliver of openness in your heart for this younger part that you would like to help.

Now if you can sense that openness,

I just want you to invite this younger part to notice this openness in your heart.

Or maybe you're just feeling some curiosity or openness towards them.

Just letting that energy from your heart or that openness or that curiosity just radiating towards them in whatever way makes sense.

You again may need to pause the recording here.

Everybody's systems takes a little bit different amount of time to connect here.

Just staying there with a bit of openness in your heart,

Inviting this younger exile to notice you,

To notice this energy.

Sometimes the energy just needs to kind of radiate gently there.

Not surrounding,

Not overwhelming them,

But just being there.

An open invitation to connect.

Sometimes the younger part might just start to feel the warmth of it.

Some of them might begin to take it in right away.

Others may be more hesitant.

That is okay.

Let them know they don't have to do anything they don't want to do,

But that you're just here to help them,

To understand them,

So they don't have to feel so alone in what they're holding.

You may see if they just want to put their hand into that energy that's coming from your heart and then take their hand back out again.

See if it's something they're interested in or not.

They might just want to breathe it in,

Breathing in fresh air after a spring rain.

It's just gonna feel nurturing,

Warm.

They don't have to just believe you on that.

They can test it for themselves.

If they're able to test it out,

Ask them,

What does that feel like to you?

Ask them this directly and then just listen.

If it feels good,

You can invite them to take more in,

To be in this energy in whatever way feels right for them.

If you make it this far in this exercise,

That is amazing.

You may wish just to pause and just be here for as long as feels good.

As they connect with your energy,

Again,

They can stay here for as long as they like or let them know that you'd really like to know what they've been experiencing and feeling.

As they share,

If they allow you to be with them,

If they allow you some space and they do have control over that,

If they kind of stay a little bit unblended so that they get to feel connected,

It'll feel better.

They might be used to really blending in and then they feel alone in that experience.

So if you start to feel overwhelmed by what they share,

Just remind them,

Hey,

I'm here.

I want to understand.

I want to be with you.

Could you give me a little bit of space to do that?

Notice this openness in my heart.

I'm right here.

Let them know you want to know more about that aloneness or they're carrying burdens of feeling not good enough or shame,

Unlovability.

Invite them to share anything about that,

Anything they need you to witness or understand.

There might be memories and images that pop up.

Again,

You might want to pause here and allowing them maybe to write in your journal or just sit and witness these memories,

These experiences,

Just validating them as they share.

You understand.

If you don't understand,

Ask for more clarity so you can understand.

They might be showing up as one age or a blend of ages.

If you want,

You can always ask how old they are.

Continue inviting them to share more about their experience.

Don't assume you understand.

Let them know you really want to understand from their point of view.

As they share,

Keep validating them and asking them,

Do you feel like I'm understanding you?

Do you feel like I'm getting it?

Ask them this directly.

Intellectual parts will want to answer this sometimes,

But make sure it's coming right from them.

If you're not sure,

If you're hearing it right,

Just check.

Am I getting it right?

Am I getting it right?

Again,

You may want to pause the recording to stay here,

Really witnessing,

Really seeking to understand,

Going deeper into their fears,

Deeper into their experience.

Not trying to fix anything,

But just trying to understand and witness.

This is why we get stuck,

Because nobody was there to just validate and witness our feelings.

And once they feel like you get it,

That you really understand,

Ask them,

Is there anything that you need for me that you never got back then?

Anything that would have felt helpful?

Anything that you might need to hear?

Whatever they say,

Offer it to them.

If it feels hard to offer,

Ask the part that it feels hard to to give you a little bit of space if they can.

It will not be hard for self-energy.

You might just need to be in that energy of your heart more and that compassion and that understanding.

They might need to be told that it wasn't their fault,

That their caregivers had young parts running the show,

But that had nothing to do with them.

They were always worthy.

They were always lovable.

They might need to hear that they can feel any emotion.

They can feel bad.

They can feel angry,

And it never means anything bad about them,

But their feelings have no moral meaning.

Again,

You may need to pause here and just be with them in this corrective experience for as long as they need,

Allowing them to lead it,

Whatever they want,

Whatever they need.

And this may be the end of the exercise for you,

But I want you to ask them if they're ready,

If they feel like you get it,

Would they like to release some of what they're carrying?

Do they feel like they don't need to carry maybe some of the aloneness now,

The unworthiness?

Is there anything that they feel like maybe they'd like to release?

Now that they have you,

Maybe in this moment,

Really make sure that they know who you are,

That they're seeing you in the present,

Current life,

That you made it past what they experienced,

That you've come back for them.

You are them.

Reassuring them if they release this,

If they feel ready,

There's absolutely no pressure.

They are just going to become more them.

They were never the unworthiness,

They were never the aloneness,

They were never the rejection or abandonment.

That is not who they are.

They just picked it up.

They're just holding it.

Maybe as you look at them,

You even see their light,

You see their worth,

You see how good they are,

You see their kindness or creativity or their unique gifts or light.

You can see that when you look at them,

Let them know.

You see if they can see themselves through your eyes.

If this felt really difficult to do,

To see their worth or goodness,

You may need to pause here and be with the part that can't see it.

Asking them what are they afraid would happen if you saw their worth,

If you saw how good they were.

And you may just need to do an exercise with those parts.

But if you were really able to see their worth,

Their goodness,

And they can feel that from you,

That they begin to see their worth and their goodness and their light,

And that they've just picked up these burdens and these experiences,

But they aren't really who they are and they would like to release them,

Then they can.

Letting them know that they can release this in any creative way that they would like,

Or they could use one of the elements like earth,

Air,

Water,

Or fire.

Ask them,

Do you have an idea of how you would like to release this?

And then just hold the space.

Again,

You might want to pause the recording here and just be with them in whatever way they need as they release this into water,

Into the air.

Sometimes they blow it up,

Sometimes they burn it in fire.

Sometimes they get really creative.

Just hold this space for as long as they need,

Just releasing it.

Sometimes this happens quickly,

Sometimes it takes more time.

So if you need more time here,

Please just pause the recording.

And just check in with them when it feels like they've released it all,

When it's all out,

Just asking,

How do you feel now?

Do you notice inside?

Sometimes they start to feel their innate qualities coming back,

Their creativity,

Their playfulness,

Their joy.

Sometimes it just feels empty.

Regardless of what it is,

Ask them,

Is there anything that you would like to invite back into your system?

Again,

They might already be feeling it or they might have the qualities they would like to bring back in.

Write down what they say so you can repeat it back or just take note of it.

What is it that they like to bring back in that they might have lost because they had to carry all of that or anything that would help them moving forward?

Just inviting them to integrate that back into their systems in whatever way feels right.

Sometimes it feels good to breathe them back in to every cell of the body.

Feeling those qualities in the nervous system.

It is good to make note of them because after this you're gonna want to notice how those qualities start showing up more in your life.

These are the innate gifts of the Zexal.

Again,

You can always pause the recording and spend more time here,

But when it feels right,

I want you to ask them,

Are they still in the past or are they in the present with you now?

If they would like to come into the present,

Just helping them in whatever way makes sense.

I'm just taking their hand or opening up a door.

It's just a quick shift.

Or they might want to go somewhere else that feels safer for them,

An environment,

Sometimes being in nature or memory.

Sometimes my Excels go to the campground with my grandparents,

One of my favorite places.

Maybe they just want to be where they are now.

Whatever it is,

Is okay.

If they make a shift,

Once they make the shift,

Just asking them,

How do you feel now?

Ask them if there's anything else that they need from you here or moving forward.

And if you can,

Making a commitment to check in with them throughout this week,

Even if it's just putting a hand on your heart,

Just connecting with them for a moment.

Sometimes I like to pair this with something I already do,

Like brushing my teeth or drinking coffee in the morning.

I want to check in with the rest of your system,

Just asking your protectors,

Are they okay with the shift that you just made?

Can everybody see this younger part now and the qualities that they're embodying?

Remembering it's often not one and done.

There's often layers to these parts.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes that's it.

Sometimes there's more.

There's more witnessing that needs to be done,

More layers that need to be observed and released.

That's okay.

It's just part of it.

If your protectors feel a little shaky and unsure,

Reassure them that they can still protect you in whatever way that they would like.

But if all of a sudden they're feeling more freedom and choice,

Just asking them,

What would you like to be doing now?

And having them notice they can still protect you in whatever way they like,

Or they just might have more freedom and choice.

And in that freedom and choice,

They can do whatever feels right for them,

For the system.

Just seeing if there's anything else that needs to happen.

Protectors,

If they might need more time with you as well,

You could always do an exercise with them right after this or at another time.

Seeing what your system might need from you moving forward here.

I'm going to pause the recording here again if you need more time.

Not just sending gratitude to all of your parts for all the work they do for trusting you.

Just seeing if they can take in that appreciation,

That gratitude from you.

See if they can take it in like sunlight.

And when it feels right,

Slowly starting to transition back out,

Bring some movement into the body,

Some stretches,

Some deep inhales and exhales.

If that feels good,

Maybe breathing through the nose,

The belly.

And slow exhale.

A nice deep inhale through the nose into the belly.

Exhaling through the nose slowly.

Squeezing all the air out at the bottom.

One more nice deep inhale,

Filling the whole belly up.

Filling the lungs up,

The back of your body up.

Deep inhale and slow exhale.

Letting it all go.

Grounding yourself to some things in the room,

Maybe looking around,

Noticing some colors,

Shapes,

Objects.

If you'd like,

You can always journal a little bit about what you noticed.

You may have made it all the way through this exercise or just partially through.

Whatever it is,

It's fine.

Don't put judgment on it.

Just notice,

Be curious.

I'm just thanking your parts for trusting me to guide you.

Reviews

Simply outstanding. After more than a year of working with IFS this is one of the best meditations I've experienced. The exile protector dance is expertly approached. Thanks!!

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