Episode Ten: The Interview-Rachel

In this full-sized interview, find out how a hummingbird came to mean everything for Rachel just as she was giving birth to her first child. Sometimes being in the presence of our ancestors can make all the difference.

Transcript

Did you mud wrestle while eating the Captain Crunch?

No,

But this was even weird.

They had this one,

It was a contest.

Now,

They would fill your mouth with cereal and with milk.

And it was this contest where two people were laying on the table.

And I was one of the people that was laying on the table and I had the cereal and the milk in my mouth.

And people,

Like this is so not,

Like this is never going to happen again in life.

Okay?

Like that's one of these stories.

And so my mouth is open,

I have cereal and I have milk.

And they are taking spoons and people,

It was a contest.

People are eating out of someone's mouth.

So if I was like to identify as a human being right now at this time in my life,

I think I would identify myself as almost being in this cross between really knowing who I am and but like growing continuously.

Growth.

Growth would be like a big word is identifying myself as a human being,

If that makes sense.

Growing and evolving and also being part of the earth and nature.

And being a mom,

Being a mom is a big deal right now for me.

And I think that's so,

Growth is so interesting because you have a job,

You have a vocation where it's all about growing things and plants and herbs and all of that stuff.

So it's,

That ties in really nicely there,

I think.

Oh yeah,

For sure.

Yeah,

I love,

I love observing the plants and just in nature and just seeing like,

I always just even think of looking at the plants,

You know,

When I start plants inside my house and or collecting,

Like I'm thinking now,

You know,

Since we're more leaning towards the end of the growing season,

Right,

Like before we know it,

It's going to be fall and it's going to be the harvest.

And then after the harvest,

It's going to be seed collecting.

And you know,

When I bring those seeds inside,

And just like how tiny and little they are,

Right,

But how powerful they are,

And just the magic that's going to come out of them,

You know,

And just observing them like in the spring,

When you start them,

And even just seeing like how comfortable it must be sprouting from a seed,

You know,

Just that transition right.

And yeah,

I think I mean,

I think that I've just been,

You know,

At this point in my life,

I'm really embracing being uncomfortable.

Like that's a big part of my growth right now,

Being uncomfortable and working through it.

I have,

You know,

For instance,

My great aunt and my great uncle own a church.

And so,

You know,

Whenever we would go and visit them,

We were always going to church and that was more on the side of evangelical.

I feel like I grew up in,

You know,

You know,

My folks are divorced.

And I look at my father's side,

Right.

And it was like conservative type of Lutheran,

You know,

Very,

Very quiet,

Very well mannered when you're in church.

And I always think like the more like the church hymns,

Right.

And then going to the evangelical church where you'd walk in,

People would be speaking in tongues and bawling and crying and speaking in tongues in the top of their lungs.

Then grew up going to a Pentecostal church and then to a Baptist church.

That was a really cool experience because we were the only white people there.

And I thought that was pretty rad.

And the music and the soul of that church was really cool.

But then it was funny,

You know,

Because we would always have tik-nans,

I think I'm saying his name right,

Tik-nan-ha books,

You know,

On our house and Buddhist literature.

And my mom would always have Buddhas and she would always smudge and have runes.

And since I was a kid,

I've always had tarot cards.

So you know,

Like,

There's just like a lot of different viewpoints coming in.

Yeah,

And I think a lot,

I actually think a lot about Christian camp.

I freaking loved Christian camp.

But the one thing I think that does freak me out a little bit is like thinking of the songs that we would sing.

Like I would,

I remember we would chant these songs and then it was as I was an adult,

I listened to the song.

This is like a year ago.

I like,

What was that song?

It was by the newsboys.

And it was something like,

Let this song remind you that they don't serve breakfast in hell.

Like the lyrics of the song is like Captain Crunch is waving farewell.

And just let the song remind you that they don't serve breakfast in hell.

And we used to like chant that song,

You know,

And I had no idea that I was what I was actually saying.

But,

But yeah,

We had fun.

You don't exactly strike me as the Captain Crunch type.

The Captain Crunch cereal?

Yes.

Yeah,

No,

I've never been a cereal person.

Yeah,

I don't like cereal.

I think that's so interesting that when they talk about putting the fear of God into someone and for you kids,

It was the withholding of a sugary cereal.

Yeah.

I think that was a hard part of me,

You know,

Part of it with religion for me,

Honestly,

Because I remember,

I think it was like,

Grade school,

I kissed a girl.

And then I remember being in church,

And I'm like,

Talking about being gay,

You know,

And I was like a kid and I was like,

I mean,

I'm gay,

Because I kissed a girl,

You know,

Because I was totally like sexually curious,

You know what I mean?

Like my sexuality,

I didn't have it like pegged when I was a kid.

And I just remember thinking I was going to burn in hell,

Because I kissed a girl.

And that was really the moment that I was like,

This isn't for me.

I had a hard time with that,

The judgment.

I mean,

Honestly,

I think I'm,

Gosh,

I was like thinking of my daughter,

The day she was born.

And the fear that took place,

Like I was so afraid.

When I was pregnant with her,

I was just so afraid.

I even did like,

Like the emotional release technique.

I went to people for that.

And like,

I was just trying to do all these things because I was so afraid of giving birth.

I just wanted to keep her in my belly,

You know,

In my uterus or whatever,

Like forever.

Like I just felt like I like I had like something was going to happen,

You know.

And I remember it was in October.

And my grandmother loved my grandmother loved hummingbirds.

So she was always having like massive hummingbird feeders when they lived in Arkansas,

Like a massive amount of hummingbirds that would come and it was just like this magical thing to like see all these hummingbirds coming and getting the food or the nectar that she would leave.

And I can't,

It was October in Portland and I'm sitting there and I'm in labor and my labor was so long with her and I had her at home and it was like a day and a half.

And I just,

She was crowning for hours and it was at that point where she's crowning for hours and I like look out the window and there's a hummingbird.

And it was looking at me through the window in October and I just was,

Oh,

Okay,

Cool.

I'm okay.

This is okay.

And my grandma was alive,

But I just,

I felt like that was still her.

I felt like my ancestors were showing up in some way being like,

This is,

This is a symbol.

This is,

You're going to get through this.

We're all here with you.

And while I gave birth to her,

I did,

I felt like the room was full of people.

And I just felt like I met this portal of like life and death and this realm that was just surrounding.

Just thinking about even Lewis,

You know,

With my son and everything that he's,

You know,

Him recently being diagnosed with type one diabetes.

And it was really crazy,

Like in the beginning of this pandemic,

I mean,

I openly admit,

Like I had a nervous breakdown in the beginning of the pandemic.

And we had a couple of fathers in our town that one got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed away.

And the other one got pancreatic cancer.

And these are men that I don't know,

But I felt so affected by it.

And I've experienced loss in my life.

Like I've experienced a lot of loss and I don't,

I don't know what it,

Like,

It just triggered me and it just put me and spun me into this zone of like nervous breakdown.

And I don't,

I don't know how else to explain it,

But as I felt like it was almost this,

This thing I had to go through in order to be prepared for what was going to happen next and in order to make me stronger to go through these motions.

And I felt like it was the universe and you know,

And I just,

And it was just really weird at how fixated I was on this like pancreas,

This organ.

I had been having like little health issues and I just,

I couldn't let go of this thing,

You know,

And then time,

Time moves on and Louis starts not seeming,

Seeming right.

And I can,

A couple of weeks even before I took him to the doctor,

I had these memories in these inner voices telling me stories that I had heard about kids that were diabetic.

And I didn't,

Like,

It's just weird.

It's like,

I remember the story of a friend saying to me,

It's like a,

Maybe a year ago,

Like this memory was popping in my mind of her being like,

You had this friend and my dad would always say,

She's grumpy,

But remember she's diabetic kiddo.

And like that,

I don't know why that like memory was like circling in my head and just the time,

Like the moments that I brought Louis to the doctor,

It was just a calmness.

Like I was just so calm and I'm scared shitless of doctors.

Like I'm scared of all of that stuff.

And I just,

It was like my psyche had been prepared for it.

I felt like there were other forces that came in and they're like,

You need to prepare for this next level of something that's going to happen.

The timing was perfect that he got to the doctor's office,

Like everything.

It was like,

There had to have been something.

I feel like it was kind of this cosmic thing of getting us where we needed to be and where he needed to be right then.

I've been growing this plant,

Holy Basil,

For years in my garden,

Years.

And I never realized that it's a medicinal herb for lowering blood sugar levels.

So this gentle,

Medicinal,

Beautiful plant that we have like a crazy abundance of right now in our garden,

I'm just like,

Well,

That's kind of cool.

Just to know,

You know,

One of those other puzzle pieces,

Right?

Meet how that fit in.

I communicate a lot with plants,

You know,

And I communicate a lot with,

I guess it was interesting.

In the beginning of the winter,

I was running.

I love running outside when it's cold and I was running and I was having these visions and these kind of like these voices.

It makes me sound like I'm crazy.

I'd be running on the trail and I would just hear passing a big oak.

I was literally here in my mind.

It was like,

I felt like I was communicating with the trees,

Right?

And they were just telling me I needed to be strong.

And I always choose,

Like I try to choose a word of the year and I was like,

Okay,

Cool.

My word of the year is going to be strength.

So I was,

As I was running,

I would have that word just kept popping up,

Like how I'm going to have to be strong and there's going to be like,

I need to prepare.

And I had no idea what it meant.

I was like,

I don't know what this means.

Like why does this keep coming up while I'm running?

And when I'm near these trees.

The main medicinal plants that I really like to focus on are plants that support your nervous system and help ground you and,

You know,

Kind of to center you and to make that connection with like your feet and your brain.

So you're not like off floating away in the stars.

Very interesting to me because I think when people think of the oak tree,

They think of a tree that grows for a very,

Very long time.

So does longevity,

But also that they're strong and they're sturdy.

And so it's fascinating to me that you're running by them and it's almost like they're imparting their strength on you.

You know,

It's like they're giving you a gift,

Not only by telling you about who they are,

That they're strong and that you will need to be strong,

But almost because they're engaging in that conversation with you that they're giving you or loaning you some of that strength,

If that makes any sense.

Oh yeah,

Totally.

And another like cool thing and like talking about even the trees and even going further in that is I would,

While I would run,

I'd have all of these like memories coming up of women in my life,

My great aunt for one,

And stories that she would tell me and just like things that she's been through.

And my other aunt,

Like I just kept thinking of them particularly and I don't know why,

I just,

I kept thinking,

Wow,

They're just,

They were strong.

Was thinking of like generationally,

Like what they've been through as women,

Specifically for my great aunt.

And then I was thinking with my other aunt,

Things that she had been through as a mom,

Like she had lost her son.

So that's like,

That's what's so cool about plants,

You know,

And trees and everything is that like everything is there like to think we can communicate with each other.

You know,

If we just take a moment to step back,

Let it happen.

We're all so connected.

I mean,

It's just like if you go into a room and you can just,

I don't know if you felt like this as a kid,

Like when you'd go into a room and you would feel all the stuff,

But you're a kid and you don't understand why,

You know,

Or what it is and just being kind of in tuned and being,

You know,

We're all connected.

So of course,

Like you're going to feel what someone's feeling,

But not quite understand it right.

And be uncomfortable.

Like I remember just being really uncomfortable as a kid or almost like taking it personally at times,

Like being,

Wow,

Maybe it's me,

You know,

When it really was,

It wasn't,

It was just other people's energy.

I think it was like,

You know,

Yeah,

It was really my mom.

Cause I think my mom,

You know,

She's that way also,

You know,

It's challenging at times,

Right?

Like it's just being a kid is just weird.

We think that it's so easy.

You know,

Some people are like,

You're just a kid.

It's so easy.

I'm like,

Wow,

Man,

Being a kid is kind of tough.

They did.

I feel like they just,

They brought me,

They brought me comfort and they brought me,

They made me more curious about things that I'm always going to be curious and always going to be open because I just,

I just don't know.

I could,

I could put an explanation to everything,

But I really,

I'm just,

I really can't in some way,

You know,

Like I think it makes me more humble because it's,

You just can't,

You can't make sense of everything and you just,

I just don't,

I don't know how,

How the world works or even how cosmic it is.

And when you have these like literate little flickers of cosmic occurrences or these things that happen,

I don't know,

It just makes it just,

It's pretty cool.

Just makes me more open to things,

More open and more humble.

For me,

It's always,

You know,

Kind of evoke this feeling of gratitude.

Oh yeah,

So much gratitude for like the most simplest things,

Right?

Even just go to your garden,

Right?

And you harvest some broccoli and a few flowers and you just get so much gratitude for the earth and for what's around us.

I wonder what,

You know,

Those people at your church camp would think of that.

Yeah,

I wonder,

I wonder what they're up to.

They're probably stuffing their faces with Captain Crunch.

You know what's weird is we would mud-wrestle at that camp,

Which is like so,

I think of these like different things about that camp.

It's just so strange to me,

Like the mud-wrestling,

The Captain Crunch song.

Yeah,

Those are two things that pop up.

Did you mud wrestle while eating the Captain Crunch?

No,

But this was even weird.

They had this one,

It was a contest.

Now,

They would fill your mouth with cereal and with milk.

And it was this contest where two people were laying on the table and I was one of the people that was laying on the table and I had the cereal and the milk in my mouth.

And people like,

This is so not like,

This is never going to happen again in life.

Okay.

Like that's one of these stories.

And so my mouth is open.

I have cereal and I have milk and they are taking spoons and people,

It was a contest.

People are eating out of someone's mouth.

What?

Yes.

And it was like a big,

Like I remember,

Like I was just thought I was so cool when I was at camp in sixth grade.

I was,

This is the height of my life.

I am mud wrestling champion.

I get to be the chick that is being recorded with their eating the cereal out of my mouth.

And then I upshucked it up.

Like I had my gag reflex and it was caught on the video and I was like,

That is so cool because all my friends would laugh.

Like we were just thought it was hilarious,

But that's never going to happen again.

Well,

You know,

It's,

You know,

What else is interesting too is like going back to Lewis being type one diabetic that here I am,

This woman that has always been afraid.

Like I have white coat syndrome,

Right?

I've always been kind of afraid of doctors.

I don't trust the medical system,

But I do find it interesting that here I've super into like plant medicine and it had been like devoting my time and my energy to studying these plants and we've always been like into eating local,

Just all these things.

And then this cosmic thing happens and here I am,

I almost think of the irony of it,

Right?

Now I have a child that's in the system and is completely insulin dependent for life.

You know,

It's just kind of opening my eyes to that side of stuff too.

Kind of,

I almost feel like coming like to peace,

Like creating a balance with them.

It's interesting how stuff like that happens.

And even technology,

Like I've never been one that's technologically savvy or really into technology.

And now it's just like bringing all these things of appreciation for things that I never appreciated.

You know,

Like now my son has this glucose monitor that he wears and I can track his blood sugar levels on my phone and I'm just like,

Holy crap,

This is kind of cool.

We're like the other side of me would have maybe been like,

Oh,

Technology's ruining people.

I can sleep at night.

He can sleep at night.

Like most importantly,

You know,

I don't have to wake him up to check his blood sugar.

So he can have freedom.

Like he can have this freedom to go fishing with his friends and to go out and write his bike and like be a free range kid,

You know,

And be the kid because he's always had this like kids have always thrived on their freedom and being able to roam around.

So I'm just like,

Wow,

If this technology didn't exist,

It wouldn't be like that.

Yeah.

And again,

I think the word that you said gratitude just comes up,

You know,

Like having gratitude for things.

This has been episode 10 of Bite-Sized Blessings,

The podcast all about the magic and spirit that surrounds us if only we open our eyes to it.

And whether you listen to our Bite-Sized offering for that five to 10 minutes of freedom in your day or the longer interviews,

We're grateful you're here.

I need to thank Rachel McKillop for sharing her story today,

As well as the creators of the music used.

Music L files,

Sasha End,

Frank Schroeder,

Music Hald,

Agnies Valmajia,

Rafael Crux,

And Alexander Nakarada.

For complete attribution,

Please see the Bite-Sized Blessings website at bite-sized-blessings.

Com.

And remember that's bite spelled B-Y-T-E.

On the website,

You can find links to other episodes as well as to books and music I think will lift and inspire you.

Thank you for listening.

And here's my one request.

Be like Rachel,

Honor and immerse yourself in the natural world.

And then listen to what it has to tell you.

Thank you so much.

.

.

.

.

.