Episode Ninety-Six: The Interview-Sister Tonkabelle

Sister Tonkabelle is a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence. Listen to this longer episode as to how after surviving death she has gone on to change other people's lives. Sometimes it's all in what we say...and how we say it.

Transcript

Welcome back to episode 96 of Bite-sized Blessings.

I have some super exciting news this week.

I've finally started a Patreon account.

So for those of you who wish to support the show,

And I've had a few people say they'd like to,

Just go to your computer,

Type in Patreon,

And then the title of the podcast,

Bite-sized Blessings,

And it should take you right to my page.

I have three tiers at which you can support me.

To be honest,

The production of this podcast is getting a little more expensive as the days go by.

I have to buy software,

I have to sign up for Zoom,

I have to do lots of other things that cost money,

And it would be so very nice if you'd consider sponsoring me at one of these levels.

There are all sorts of delicious goodies under each level,

And if you have questions,

Please shoot me an email.

I'll be happy to answer them.

But that's the big news this week.

I've started a Patreon account,

Because as I've said before,

It takes a village to get this stuff done,

And I'd love for you to become a part of the Bite-sized Blessings village.

This week,

I get to interview another sister of perpetual indulgence,

Sister Tonka Bell,

And on her Instagram,

She describes herself as a grumpy old dog who is a happy little sister living in the San Francisco Bay area.

And our conversation,

Interestingly enough,

We talk about Star Wars again,

And for those of you who are listening to the podcast every week,

This is the third incidence of Star Wars in about as many months,

And it seems like this idea of the Force,

This idea of the midichlorians who are all around us,

This sentient life force in the Star Wars universe,

It resonates with people.

It resonates with my listeners,

And it can become part and parcel of your faith tradition.

I love Star Wars too,

So who am I to argue?

At any rate,

There is a trigger warning for this episode.

Suicide and drug addiction are discussed.

If you or someone you know is suffering with thoughts of suicide,

Help is available.

Please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis hotline.

It's 24 hours,

And you can call at 988,

Or go to 988lifeline.

Org.

And at the very,

Very end,

After the credits,

I have a little special blurb,

A little follow-up on something we discuss in this interview,

And I'm sure,

As everyone knows,

I cannot stand bullies.

I can't stand it when people are bullied.

I can't stand watching bullying.

So if I get my head up about bullying,

I get a little,

Let's just say,

Grumpy.

So at the end of this interview,

There's a little extra,

Let's say,

Between me and Sister Tanka Bell.

All right,

So here it is.

Without further ado,

Here's episode 96 of Bite-Sized Blessings.

So in my youthful years,

I was a raging drug addict,

And I made very bad decisions,

As you do,

And those things and those decisions led to,

Not one,

Not two,

But three overdoses.

And the third overdose was so bad,

I coded,

I think it was three times on the table.

When I woke up the next day in the hospital,

The doctor came in,

And it was an ER doctor that had seen me there before.

He knew me,

He knew my issues and things like that.

And he sat on the edge of the bed,

And he says,

There's no medical reason why you should be here.

There's,

You should not,

You died three times.

I did not save you.

He goes,

Take that for whatever you want,

But you should not be here right now,

And you should think about that.

My full name is Sister Tanka Bell,

Fairy to the lost boys.

It's a play on Tinkerbell,

Because I was a lost boy.

And as a sister,

We'd take vows for our community,

For our vacation,

And if I can help a lost boy too,

Then that's not too bad,

Shabby either.

I'm of the San Francisco house.

I mean,

When I'm out as my secular self,

Usually just,

Hey,

I'm Tanka.

I'm just kind of easygoing,

I just kind of go with the flow.

It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers,

So if there's anything going on,

I just kind of just sit there and drink my beer and watch.

I might throw a little fuel in the fire occasionally,

Because that's just fun.

But no,

As my secular self,

I think I'm more reserved than I am when I'm in Faced as a sister.

I think over the years,

I've learned that it's better,

Better to be a positive person than a cunt.

When you grow up as a gay man,

You see all of the A-gays and things like that being catty and mean and everything like that,

And they're cool,

And you think that's what you have to be to be cool or to fit in,

When you already are an outcast,

Because you're a gay man growing up in the South,

Which is great.

But I think as I've gotten older,

I've realized that the quality of people you have improves when you're moved and you're positivity and your lack of enthusiasm around being catty and shady and all that.

I just,

You know,

Not to say I don't have my moments,

But I'm happier.

The Tonka now is happy,

More grounded,

Fiercely loyal and independent,

But I'll do anything for the people that I'm with.

As a sister,

It's a complete different switch.

Sister Tonka Bell is energetic,

Vivacious,

Sexy,

Playful,

Incredibly flirtatious in a manner that as a sister,

You are the most ridiculous thing in the room.

And by being that and enjoying yourself and having good time and positive vibes,

Love and joy,

You're showing other people what it is or what can be achieved when you let go and you don't care that you're the most ridiculous person in the room.

What's your favorite Tonka?

I love,

Just Tonka is such a great last name.

I just,

It's just so.

.

.

Actually my middle.

Soon to be my first,

I'll be going through a name change soon.

So it will be Tonka Jason Nero.

Is it,

Like,

Is it a family name or how did you,

How did that happen?

It is a nickname that inevitably became my name.

I was born Jason Patrick Nero.

Tonka came in a little bit through,

You know,

My friends would call me,

Because I had all the Tonka trucks and all the toys and all that.

And I was always the smallest one in the group of friends and I would climb stuff,

Fall down,

Break bones or whatever,

And I'd get up and just keep going.

So they would just like,

Be tough like a Tonka.

And then as I got older,

I partook in adult activities and was quite tough.

And it just,

Tonka's just always been there through my entire life.

So that's when I just adopted it as my middle name.

And then Jason is someone that is another life for me.

I'm Catholic.

So that means,

I mean,

I was baptized.

I went to Sunday school for confirmation and things like that.

My family was religious,

But not crazy Bible-thumping religious.

My mom believes in God and Jesus and heaven and hell.

My grandparents were devout Catholics.

But at the same time,

They were more,

Had more faith and protective nature in their family than they did their faith.

Meaning when my mother had me at a wedlock.

So by my church's standard,

I was a bastard.

And the parish that I belonged to at the Sunday school wasted no time to explain that to me,

That I was a bastard.

And my grandmother was a devout,

Again,

Devout Catholic,

Went to,

It was either one of the priests or the bishops and told them off.

And she was a Puerto Rican from the Bronx.

She didn't fuck with her and she had words.

So yeah,

But so- That's horrifying.

Grandmother said,

It wasn't necessarily religion that made it hard growing up in the South.

It was hard growing up in the South because I was the skinny white gay boy.

I was an outcast.

People,

You know,

You always hear people say,

Oh,

I survived high school.

I legitimately did.

The only openly gay kid in my high school was,

He went by Gay Joe.

That's to this day,

That's all I know him as,

Is Gay Joe.

He was the only gay kid.

And my high school was a split level.

So it was a two story,

But in Florida,

They're like strip malls.

So the hallways are outdoors.

And there was a big courtyard and,

You know,

There were picked tables,

MHS,

Merritt High School.

And I don't know what Joe did or what not,

But he got into an altercation with members of the football team and they threw him off the second floor and they broke his back on the crossbar of the H table.

And that was that.

Okay,

Let me ask you,

How did you get involved with the sisters?

How did that happen?

Well,

A series of very bad life decisions.

So I lived in San Francisco for quite a while.

It's where I met my partner who,

That he just came home.

You know,

In other places that I've lived,

I had seen sisters all over the country.

And then when I lived here,

I was always kind of,

You know,

Wherever the sisters were,

I wanted to be.

And I just thought they were neat and cool.

And,

You know,

They were something that was larger than life and the work that they did was fantastic.

And I didn't know it at the time,

But I had this need in me,

This unfulfilled purpose that I knew I was here for through another series of unfortunate events in my 20s.

I knew I had to be here for a reason.

I didn't know what that reason was.

I didn't figure that out until my late 30s,

Till six years ago.

And I left San Francisco.

I moved to Cincinnati for work and I was gonna go back to school and stuff like that.

My partner followed and an individual in the group there that I had met asked me about the sisters and things like that.

And asked me if I wanted to start a house.

I had no idea what was involved with it,

The steps,

The personalities,

All of it.

It was,

And I just went,

Oh yeah,

Sure,

Let's do this.

This will be fun.

And so that was the start of it.

And Cincinnati founded the Cincinnati Sisters,

Abbey of the Immaculate Four Way.

And we chose that because of the double entendre because Cincinnati is known for its chili.

And you can order it different ways,

A two-way,

A three-way,

Or a four-way.

And the four-way is Velveeta cheese,

Onions.

I forget the other two,

I'm a horrible person.

I should remember this.

But yeah,

So when people say,

Oh,

You know,

The Abbey of the Immaculate Four Way,

And they just kind of look at you like,

What?

And yeah,

So we all got a big hoot about that.

That was pretty good.

So,

But yeah,

We did that,

Went through the progression process,

And it just felt right.

I actually spoke about the Sisters the other day at a young Leatherman's discussion group.

And one of the people asked me,

Growing up in the South and moving to some place that was very progressive and very,

Here I can be anything I want and it's fine.

And then going back there to that environment again,

Even more so in the Midwest,

And then creating a sister house over that.

We created a rule that no one was allowed to go out by themselves,

It's the rule two,

It's two nuns or none.

But the reception was wonderful.

It was beautiful.

You really get the occasional people that would drive down the road,

Faggot.

You know,

It's like,

Okay,

Tell me something I don't know,

Mary.

But there was never a bad experience with the community there.

They really embraced an entity that its whole purpose was to make people happy,

Because there's a lot of people that just need help to be happy,

Especially in the Midwest,

Jesus Lord.

But yeah,

It was a series of decisions,

These things like,

You know,

Moving to Cincinnati was the worst decision I ever fricking made in my life to move to that horrible town.

But if I hadn't,

I wouldn't be a sister.

I don't think I would have ever had the gumption or I almost want to say permission to do it.

Because when the individual who asked me to start the house with them asked me that,

It was almost like,

You know,

Like,

Okay,

Maybe it is my turn,

Maybe this,

Maybe this is why I'm still here to do this and be something larger than myself,

Bigger than myself,

Larger than life,

And maybe make some imprint somewhere.

Magic's always been a tricky thing with me.

There was a moment where I didn't believe in anything.

I have lost faith,

I had lost any kind of belief into any higher power thing out there,

Universe or whatever,

Not for lack of searching.

And this was after I had started connecting with certain levels of witchcraft and tarot and things like that in my 20s.

But I really didn't grasp onto that kind of stuff until I had had,

So in my youthful years,

I was a raging drug addict.

And,

You know,

I mean,

There weren't a lot of hobbies in my hometown,

So drugs just seemed to be it for a number of reasons,

You know,

They numbed,

They took away and everything else like that.

And I made very bad decisions,

As you do,

In those things,

And those decisions led to not one,

Not two,

But three overdoses.

And they weren't purposeful overdose,

I didn't wanna die,

But I was totally okay if I didn't wake up.

And the third overdose was so bad,

That I coded,

I think it was three times on the table.

When I woke up the next day in the hospital,

The doctor came in,

And it was an ER doctor that had seen me there before,

He knew me,

He knew my issues and things like that.

And he sat on the edge of the bed and he says,

There's no medical reason why you should be here.

There's,

You should not,

You died three times,

I did not save you.

It goes,

Take that for whatever you want,

But you should not be here right now,

And you should think about that.

I sat there and thought to myself,

Maybe what if he's right?

Very obviously,

For no lack of trying,

Was not gonna die.

So what if he was right?

So that was the aha moment that I started,

I chose to get clean and all that,

And started reconnecting,

But trying to figure out my faith and what I believed in,

And what rules or accountability that I would hold my life to on that.

So that was probably the first,

I guess you could say miracle.

I needed a higher power.

I needed something to cling on to if I was gonna get clean and stay clean.

For a moment,

It was my PlayStation,

True story,

Because it was something other than drugs.

I wasn't ready to believe that there was a God or wasn't a God or any of that.

So it was video games,

Video games and donuts.

And I reconnected,

And it's not really corny,

I reconnected to a franchise that I had,

You know,

In my addiction,

Everything,

Had just forgotten about,

And that was Star Wars.

I grew up on Star Wars and Star Trek.

I am a Star Wars fan.

I have a lightsaber,

I don't know if you can see it,

On my ring finger,

And he has a Star Trek phaser.

But I reconnected with that.

On top of,

I moved in with,

I had a house in Orlando,

And it was myself and my roommate,

Mark,

Who was a member of the 501st.

He was a stormtrooper,

And he was also in recovery.

And his higher power was the faith,

And that was his materialization of it.

And this was my second aha moment in the process of that,

My second miracle,

I guess you could say.

And that was the realization that I had faith all along,

I had just forgotten about it.

You know,

In Star Wars,

The faith that forces in every living thing,

It surrounds you,

It is life.

It is hope,

It is love,

It is everything encompassing.

It was what I believed in at one point before life soured it.

Fast forward through the years,

I had practiced magic.

I still incorporated elements of,

Quote unquote,

The force.

There were still elements of my Catholicism that I thought were beautiful,

And incorporated that into my faith.

I don't necessarily have a label for it.

Am I spiritually?

Yes.

Do I believe in magic?

Now,

Yes.

Do I believe in prayer?

I think it's just another form of blessing.

It's just another form of talking to whatever is out there,

Right?

I don't know if it's God.

I don't necessarily know if it's the goddess.

I don't know.

I just know it's bigger than me.

My next probably miracle was going out in white face and interacting with strangers that I didn't know or anything else like that.

Well,

It was pretty profound,

But my first really calm lollipop moments,

Because,

You know,

When you used to get in the car with your mom and your mom's going to drive through the bank,

You didn't get a lollipop every time,

But when you got that lollipop,

That was one good damn day,

Wasn't it?

As a lollipop moment.

So my first lollipop moment was we were at a bar.

It was Pride Week in Cincinnati.

At Pride Week in Cincinnati,

We were at a drag bar called The Caporet.

It was their big show bar.

And these two people,

Husband and wife,

Came up to me on the job out,

And they brought it up to the fact that they were worried about allowing their son to wear a dress out in public to Pride.

And I did what I normally did in them.

I was very young in my sistering.

There was a little bit of ego there,

Because,

You know,

You're a sister,

You're a rock star,

Right?

And I talked with the mother and father,

Had a great conversation that,

You know,

Hell yeah,

100%,

Let your boy wear a dress.

If that's what makes him happy,

Then that's okay.

It doesn't mean anything other than he likes this outfit.

And so it was really great.

I felt good walking away.

They smiled and go,

Oh,

We hope to see you.

I said,

Oh,

If you do,

Whatever,

You know,

Come up to me,

Whatever,

I would love to be out.

So we marched in that parade that year,

And it was exceptionally hot.

And I was tired,

I was cranky.

I had just paid $43 for two hot dogs and two sodas from a cross-eyed carny running a food truck.

And I was,

All the other nuns went to go take pictures,

And I was like,

Ah,

Leave me alone.

And because,

You know,

I was all in myself,

I was all in the ego.

And I sat down and I'm eating my hot dog or sausage,

Whatever it was and everything.

And I felt a tap on my shoulder,

And I turned around,

Kind of,

Grr,

You know,

And they goes,

Oh,

I don't know if you remember us.

We talked at the cabaret,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And as a sister,

You get a lot of that.

It's hard to remember people because it's constantly bombarding.

I was just kind of grumpy,

Like,

Oh,

I'm kind of eating.

Like,

Oh,

Can we get a picture?

Eh,

I'm trying to eat,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

I said,

No,

Don't,

You remember us.

You have to remember us.

We told you about our son.

And then they parted ways,

And here was this beautiful little boy in a Princess Aurora dress.

It was one of the most humbling moments I have ever experienced.

And I was just like,

Okay,

I get it.

Stop being an asshole.

Get out of my head.

This isn't about me.

I don't put this on for that.

And I stood up,

And the father picked up his son and took pictures,

Everything.

The child was terrified of me.

I didn't know how to blend back then.

But here was something I did.

Here was a piece of magic that I put out in the universe,

And it had come back to me to show me of something beautiful that I had done.

And from that moment on,

It changed my entire ministry and how I react and face.

I don't care if it's 200 degrees out and I'm melting and dying,

I'll stop for a picture.

It's just weird.

It's weird how the force,

How the magic that surrounds us in this world,

Whether you call it God,

Jesus,

Jehovah,

Allah,

Whatever,

I think sometimes,

I think humanity needs these terms to try to understand what we're not necessarily supposed to understand.

We need a name,

We need a label to be able to talk to it,

To be able to comprehend it and have faith in it.

But I also think it's the same thing.

I think it's just this driving force that inherently wants us to be good.

And through these aha moments,

Through these miracles,

Through these humbling experiences,

Both in and out of phase.

And I had a little kid come up to me,

Not little kid,

It was a teenager.

And there's this foundation,

It's this organization called the Americans for Suicide Prevention,

AFSP,

I think it's called.

They have these bracelets,

They have these beads that they put around your wrist when you go to like their events.

They do a walk each year.

And you walk for those that you've lost,

You walk because you survived,

You walk for your child,

Your brother,

Your aunt,

Your uncle.

And we were there as sisters and a kid came up and saw my color coded.

I had the color beads for someone who has lost somebody to suicide,

I had the color beads for somebody who has survived suicide.

They call it living with experience.

So I had my,

So they could tell you what you've been through and the little kid kept up to me,

Goes,

Oh,

I've got that color bead too.

And he pointed to the one living with experience and I'm not prepared for that.

And I looked at him,

I said,

Well,

I'm glad you're still here,

Buddy.

Because yeah,

Me too.

And he kind of scuffled away.

And I went to turn around because at this point,

I'm just holding it together by a string in water activated makeup,

Mind you.

And I went to turn to the other nun that I was with and then I felt a little tug in my dress again.

And the other nun just kind of pointed down behind me,

Goes,

It's back.

And I looked at him and he just looked at me,

He goes,

I'm really glad you're still here too.

And again,

It was a moment of what a beautiful thing in that moment I got to experience.

But the best part,

The best part was,

It was six or seven months later,

Let's say near whatever I was in Target.

And I was walking through and the parents recognized my tattoos.

Because my tattoos are always at home like that.

They go,

Oh,

Were you at the thing with the march?

And I was like,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

I was in phase.

I'm Sister Tonka Bell.

They go,

Yeah,

We remember you and the kid was there and everything like that.

And he just gave me this big,

Giant hug and he just put his arms around me.

He says,

It's just because of you,

I'll never try it again.

And if there is such thing as a miracle,

That was it.

That was one right there.

Thank you so much for listening to episode 96 of Bite Size Blessings.

And my interview with the thoughtful and indomitable Sister Tonka Bell.

I need to thank the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence,

Who when I contacted them,

Immediately sent an email out to all members asking if they'd like to be guests on the podcast.

I got several replies and this interview is the result of one of them.

I need to thank the creators of the music used for this episode.

Tyga Sound Productions,

Music L Files,

Raphael Crux,

Edvardas Sen,

Woha,

Otis Galloway and Sasha End.

For complete attribution,

Please see the Bite Size Blessings website at bitesizedblessings.

Com.

On the website,

You'll find links to art,

Music,

Playlists and other groovy things that my guests are involved in.

You'll also find a link to my new Patreon page,

Which is where,

Yes,

You heard it here first,

You can support me in bringing this podcast out into the world.

Thank you for listening.

And here's my one request,

Be like Sister Tanka Bell.

Have a sense of humor,

Never give up and be ready for those magical moments.

Those miracles that happen in our lives.

You never know when you're gonna touch someone or say something that's gonna mean the world to someone else.

So be ready for those opportunities because those opportunities,

They're absolutely going to come to you.

I'll see you next week for episode 97 and we're getting oh so close to the big 100.

I really can't believe it,

But I'll see you next week for episode 97.

Was Joe okay?

Joe lived a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

I honestly,

I don't know what happened to him after that.

I know he lived and I know he graduated high school and in my town,

You graduated high school and you either left town or you became,

You went into construction,

Military or law enforcement.

Those were the good old boy options.

So the football team paralyzed him?

Yeah.

Oh my God,

I hope he sued the fuck out of all of them.

I remember there was criminal charges.

I know nothing happened to the boys that did it.

Mariner High School was filled with a lot of rich rednecks and families that had big pieces of property and knew each other and knew powerful people.

It was that kind of environment.

It was that small town living where those families never got away with everything.

Those kids could do no wrong,

Including throw a kid off of the second floor.

Wow,

That's disgusting.

Oh,

That makes me sick.

Yuck,

And not really much has changed,

Right?

Because it's still the same.

If you have money and power,

You can still get away with anything.

Yeah,

100%.

I think it's becoming less because of things like social media,

And things like that,

Especially when things are now documented,

It's hard to refute them,

That you didn't do them no matter how much money you had.

Would that have made a difference back then?

I don't know,

But I just,

In those four years,

If there was a God,

He wasn't at Mariner High School,

That's for sure.