Episode Fifty-Two: The Byte-Robyn

Robyn is resilience personified, strength embodied and "bravery walking" this life. In this interview hear how her knowing of self has led to truth, authenticity and the courage to live. (there's a UFO sighting in there too!)

Transcript

Welcome to episode 52 of Bite-Sized Blessings.

In this episode,

I get to interview a very good friend,

Robin,

Whom I've known for about six or seven years.

I'm continually amazed by her resiliency,

Her strength,

And her bravery.

As with all things,

Of course,

For me,

I put my own meaning on this episode.

And so for me,

The miracle is that Robin has been so steadfast and so true into living an authentic and real life.

However,

This episode does come with two trigger warnings.

Child abuse and suicide are discussed.

If you suspect a child is being abused,

Please call the National Child Help Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453.

And if you know of someone who is suffering with thoughts of suicide,

Please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

And now,

Episode 52 of Bite-Sized Blessings.

You know,

I was an autistic kid,

Not knowing I was autistic.

They thought I wasn't paying attention when I was sitting quietly coloring.

I listened to everything.

And I asked my mother lots of questions because I was inquisitive.

My storytelling was her taking out the photos and telling—I'd point,

And she'd tell me the stories of the people in the photo.

That was my first storytelling.

And then my grandmother raised me for the first two years of my life before I even met my demonic stepfather.

I remember meeting him.

I remember what I had to endure if I was going to live under his roof.

And so when I was about 16,

He had his first grand mal seizure in front of me.

He was working on the phone.

He's writhing and foaming at the mouth on the floor.

And I smiled.

I was like,

This could be a real moment for me.

And then I snapped.

And because he was working on the phone,

We didn't have cell phones.

The phone was out of order.

I ran all the way up the street to the neighbor's house.

I knew that their door was always open.

That's how we were then.

And I called for help.

I didn't want to.

I didn't see him in the hospital.

It was the first time he had that seizure.

And I just prayed.

I prayed that he wouldn't come home.

And he did.

Everything that happens to us happens for a reason.

And if I hadn't gone through the huge trauma that I went through with him,

I wouldn't be the person I am now.

I feel that I'm an emotional being and an artist first.

I've always been an artist first.

But as you grow up,

Art is something that's acquired and that you have to be certified for.

I never wanted to lose my creativity,

So I didn't go to art school.

But I've always made art,

Always.

Once I found out about autism,

I realized my mother knew on some levels because all the things that I find out how you deal with autism,

She already was doing with me as a child.

She didn't have a word for it,

And I didn't have a word for it.

I'm an autistic person and an artist,

But always a spiritual.

I've always been a spiritual seeker.

Always.

Like where do we come from?

How did we get here?

My dance practice,

I was a dancer.

I was dancing around the house.

I was always told to stop.

Stop.

Stop talking,

Stop dancing,

Stop reading,

Stop making.

.

.

Whatever I was doing,

I was told to stop.

So I did for fear of violence.

And so I went into my interior.

I spent a lot of times locked up in the basement.

So I had imaginary friends with names.

And I remember my mother saying,

You got to let them go now.

And I cried like a baby.

And I realized I just don't have to tell people they're still around.

So I said,

I want pink.

I want dress.

You're a boy.

So be a boy.

So I learned how to be a boy.

My mother actually said,

My father hated me.

So my stepfather,

She would say,

Well,

Watch your brothers.

So then I pretended to walk like them,

Like I lost all of that.

I would float into a chair.

And I learned how to like.

.

.

They put me on a wrestling team for God's sake.

Can you imagine?

Football.

They put me in football.

My stepfather was the president of the local football league.

So I had to play football.

And one day the coach yelled at me.

My mother called me rebel.

She named me rebel.

The coach yelled at me because my uniform wasn't clean.

And I said,

F you,

I'm going home now.

And I never went back to football.

I found a way.

My mother was depressed in bed and my uniform hadn't been washed.

And I got called out.

My mother was sent to Massachusetts to work for my great grandmother.

So it was kind of like this shifty thing.

My mother got damaged and then came back and went to Auntie Em.

Auntie Em got her a job at the telephone company.

My grandmother said,

You got to earn a living.

So you're either going there or you're going to find some work.

And she wanted to forget about what happened to her in Massachusetts.

So she just pretended it never happened.

So I was already told,

You're not a girl,

You're a boy,

Be a boy.

I can do that.

Doing it unsuccessfully.

So it was 1980 and it was January.

And I was doing my homework at the table.

We had a kitchen table,

I mean,

A dining,

Sort of a dining room table.

And we had a bay window behind me.

So I'm sitting,

My back's facing outside.

All of a sudden this light just comes in.

It's like daylight inside that.

It's January,

So it's dark outside.

All of a sudden there's light and there's an object floating above a tree across the street.

Now,

How do you make sense of something you've never seen before?

I hear my parents are watching TV in the other room.

They run to the window.

It's gone before they got there.

They saw the light,

The light filled up the house.

We called the neighbors.

They all saw it.

It was like,

Man,

Like hell.

And I was sad.

I felt left behind.

All of a sudden I was like,

Well,

Thanks,

But you left me here was my feeling.

And my parents said,

Don't tell anybody.

We're not talking about that.

I was able to tell my aunt Linda because she had an experience.

So they wanted us to,

You know,

She shared her experience and I shared mine.

I shared it with everybody.

They told me not to tell anybody.

I went right to school.

I mean,

How do you keep something like that quiet?

I was like a little crazy person telling everybody,

You don't have to prove it to me at this point.

Once a government came out and said,

UFOs are real.

I'm like,

Yeah,

They always were to me.

They followed me everywhere.

I always saw ghosts.

I always,

You know,

Would be in a place and get a cold chill or smell or a feeling or a sense because when you're highly traumatized at four years old,

You become hyper aware of everything.

And when I got my first memory of trauma at four years old,

I've had this memory forever.

I just kept pushing it down when I realized it was real.

I re-experienced the physical,

Emotional pain that comes with being assaulted as a four year old.

I can talk about it so easily now.

People are,

They're just like,

That's too much for me.

See,

I don't know what too much is now because to me,

That's nothing like it happened.

What's the problem now is people have,

They move away from you when you tell them your truth.

They haven't processed their trauma and their pain.

So they want to leave now too much.

And I've had people say too much,

Which puts me in that lonely place of being abused and isolated.

My biggest thing is being with people.

Like I can't wait to ride my bike down that hill and go be with people,

People I love.

Thank you so much for listening to episode 52 of Bite Sized Blessings,

The podcast all about the magic and spirit that surrounds us.

If only we open our eyes to it.

I'd like to thank my very special guest today,

Robin,

For sharing her story with me.

I'm so very grateful that she was so vulnerable and open.

I think sharing stories like this is important so that we know we're not alone in our sufferings,

In our trauma.

It's important to know that others have gone through the same thing and that there is a community,

Unfortunately,

Out there that might be able to help us heal.

Unfortunate because those communities should never have to exist.

I'd like to thank the artists who created the music for this episode.

Frank Schroeder,

Horst Hoffman,

Alexander Nagarada,

Music L.

Files,

Chilled Music,

And Brian Holt's music.

For complete attribution,

Please see the Bite Sized Blessings website at bite-sized-blessings.

Com.

On the website,

You can find links to books,

Music,

Playlists,

And artists I think will lift and inspire you.

Thank you for listening,

And here's my one request.

Be like Robin.

You know who you are,

Deep in your bones,

In that secret,

Still place,

The one that's always whispering,

This is who you are.

Listen to that voice,

And then take the steps with bravery,

With strength and resilience,

And become all that you are meant to be.