Episode Eighty-Six: The Interview-Tomahawk Martini

Tomahawk is Miss New Mexico Pride 2022. But in this longer episode it's all about love. Listen in on how one dream changed not only Tomahawk's life, but her grandparent's lives as well. Dreams and visions are powerful omens-and sometimes lead where we least expect them to.

Transcript

Welcome to episode 86 of Bite-Sized Blessings,

Where I get to interview the gorgeously talented Tomahawk Martini.

Not only is she Miss New Mexico Pride 2022,

But she's a fierce,

Fierce advocate for the LGBTQ community here in the desert Southwest.

If you check out Tomahawk's Instagram and her TikTok,

You'll see beautiful makeup,

Incredible costumes,

And in general,

A thriving community of drag queens who support each other and lift each other up.

But it was Tomahawk's stories of the women in her life,

Her grandmother,

Her aunties,

Those powerful women that surrounded her with love,

With acceptance,

And when you listen to this episode,

With protection.

There's a great sacrifice and great love that happens in this episode.

And I'm so very grateful to Tomahawk for sharing it with me.

I think when you listen to this episode,

Tomahawk's reverence for the women in her life will be very clear.

So now,

Episode 86 of Bite-Sized Blessings.

Everyone was out playing outside.

All the adults were inside were playing.

She walks outside and she realizes that Bert is choking.

She's like,

They're trying to do CPR and whatever.

And then he ends up dying in the dream.

And then I end up choking.

And then I just remember my grandma's being like,

I saw Thomas fall down and he didn't get back up.

And so she tried to bring me back to life and I wasn't able to come back to life.

And my grandma was like,

Pretty much my grandma said she didn't want this to happen to me.

So she came to get rid of that dream because she didn't want nothing to happen to me.

Because again,

Like I said,

I'm a big dreamer.

My grandma was a big dreamer.

She saw visions.

I saw visions.

And she saw this happening.

She was like,

This is not going to happen.

And when we did that ceremony,

Pretty much my grandma offered her place for me.

There's,

I think,

Three things that I mainly identify growing up.

One first is my name.

My preferred name is Tomahawk.

That just comes from a combination of nicknames and styles that I had throughout my life.

It's not far off from my government name,

But my preferred name is Tomahawk Martini.

I always tell people I am indigenous.

So I am Sharon River Sioux,

Born for Navajo.

I also have a Mexican in there as well.

And usually,

Like,

I try to break the ice and tell people like,

Oh,

I'm just a native taco because Mexican and all that in between.

And that usually makes people laugh,

So I try not to make things awkward.

I let them know I'm from the Navajo Nation from New Mexico.

And those are the first few things I do when I introduce myself to people.

I'm so curious.

How did you come to be interested in doing drag or putting yourself out there like that?

This is a really good question.

And this is honestly,

Like,

It's evolving the more and more like I learn about myself.

It's never like a guaranteed,

Ooh,

That was the moment.

I know some people have it.

I don't.

It's been an ever-evolving thing for me.

But with drag,

I think starting from growing up,

Just being raised by women,

By my dad's mother,

Who's my paternal grandmother,

Amelia,

She took over me at the age of six when my mother decided to give me up for adoption,

My birth mother.

And she didn't want that to happen.

She told my dad not to sign the papers.

And she said,

I'll take him.

So I think just the image of who my grandmother was,

A strong woman,

Really big person,

A part of the community,

Always showing love,

Just honestly,

I think she is my biggest role model.

And a lot of women throughout my life have just been there for me.

So I just saw women as powerful.

And growing up,

I didn't really know about sexuality or sexual identity or orientation.

I didn't know nothing like that.

I just knew there was all kinds of people.

And I come from the reservation.

So to me,

It's a big world.

But it's really a small world.

But growing up,

I had a lot of interest very much in being artistic.

Like,

Growing up,

I wanted to be a photographer.

Or I wanted to be a model.

Or I just wanted to make things.

And I was very,

How do you say it,

Creative and innovative.

I would find things.

And growing up in the res,

You don't have a lot of anything.

You try to use something,

Upcycle it.

It's laying out in a lot pile.

But you can find some use for it.

I just was very resourceful growing up.

But getting into middle school,

High school,

Learning more about the outside world,

Outside the reservation,

It just kept evolving.

And I think one of the big turning points was America's Top Model.

Just seeing all those women and seeing how beautiful and avant-garde,

All the weird avant-garde,

Crazy,

Weird fashion.

That's what I wanted.

I was like,

Well,

Maybe I could be a designer.

Or Project Runway came up.

Or all the photographers,

Maybe one day I'll find a really nice girlfriend that's a model.

And all these,

Because I'm just intrigued by women.

And then Drag Race came about.

I think I was a sophomore in high school.

And it was late night TV.

I think it was the second season that was showing.

It was midway through.

And I just saw Drag Race.

And I like cars.

So I thought it was really a drag,

A car racing show.

So I clicked on it.

And then I'm like,

What is this?

I feel like.

And I got scared because I'm in the living room all by myself at 10 o'clock at night.

And I'm like,

Am I watching something provocative,

Like something dirty?

Will I get in trouble?

But I was intrigued,

So I kept watching it.

And then I was like,

Oh,

This is Drag Race,

But it's men dressed as women.

So originally,

It was a turn off for me.

Because I was like,

Well,

I like women.

But men and women,

I don't know.

It's weird.

But I would watch it every now and then.

It was intriguing.

But every time someone would move in the living room,

I would change the channel and be like,

OK,

Don't watch that.

I'm not watching that.

And it wasn't until,

I believe,

Season four.

I think I saw Willem and Kenya Michaels.

And I was like,

Oh,

These are very feminine women.

Because growing up,

I was just exposed to very masculine trans individuals,

Where I was like,

I'm because growing up,

I was not a very masculine person.

I was a very feminine person.

Everyone always mistaken me for being a girl.

And I never identified with being a man trying to be a woman.

I was just always mistaken for a woman.

And I was like,

I don't think we're on the same page.

And that's why I never identified with such individuals growing up,

Because I was like,

I'm different.

I'm perceived differently.

And then drag race just exposed me more to men that really are feminine that can do drag.

And I think that's where I got most encouragement,

Where I was like,

Oh,

This is something I can do.

And I know that might be controversial to some.

But growing up,

From my point of view,

I didn't see a lot of that.

So when I moved out here to Albuquerque and got exposed more to the drag world,

I realized that drag was just more than what I experienced on the reservation.

And so that's how I started getting into drag.

And then eventually,

I came up with this idea that I just want to be beautiful.

I want to be the version of a woman that I see beautiful.

Because again,

I'm always intrigued by women.

I think they're the most beautiful things on this world.

And so the fact that I could be my own version of what I would want,

I just felt that really powerful.

And I think that's why I've always just been so strong-headed about who I am as,

Who I identify as.

Because I am my own beautiful person that I see.

I wasn't raised in a religious household.

I was brought up in more traditional,

Which I feel like is sacred to my culture and my upbringing,

The Native American church.

That's not what it's called.

But that's what it's called to this day,

Which is just a place of worship.

My grandfather-in-law,

Keechi Harvey,

He was a medicine man.

And so my grandma was adjacent to him,

Taking care of everything.

They were like a team.

They did ceremonies.

They did a lot of things for the community.

So I grew up in that household where I believed in the holy spirits in the morning,

The overall creator.

That's how I was raised.

And then when my grandparents moved on to the next world when I was seven,

I was just kind of left out.

No one knew where to put me.

I did have my father,

But he wasn't the most stable.

So people were just like,

Where do we send little boy Thomas?

Like,

What do we do with him?

And I always just felt like a burden.

So I would just go wherever I wanted,

Kind of.

I would stay with my auntie.

My dad would get into relationships with women.

And I think this is where I got the most exposure to religion because he would date women who went to Pentecostal or they were Catholic.

I know my birth mother was Mormon.

And Mormon is very prominent in the little reservation town that I'm from.

My dad dated a lot of women.

But most of them were religious.

And I would just be this luggage that my dad would come with.

And then I would just have to be put into the family circle of like,

We go to church every Sunday.

We're going here.

We're going there.

And to me,

I was like,

I was a kid.

I didn't have any choice.

But I always had questions.

I was like,

Why is it like this?

Why is it like that?

And it wasn't me being rebellious.

It wasn't me being a problem some child where I'm hating the religion.

I just had questions.

And every time I had questions,

I would get in trouble for it.

Where if I offended my dad's girlfriend's family and I asked a certain question,

They're like,

You don't ask that.

And then I would get in trouble.

And then my dad would then discipline me.

And I'd just be like,

This isn't fair.

I just have questions.

I'm not doubting anything.

So eventually,

That type of environment just turned me off.

Even when I go to these Sunday Bible schools when the main people go to the main worship hall and the kids get pushed off to kid events,

I always just had questions.

And I was just always curious.

It just kind of went against what I was taught because it was such a negative environment when I would go to church.

It was a lot of,

Don't listen to that.

Those people are wrong.

This is wrong.

This is wrong.

And it was never a positive environment.

It was always negative.

The turning point in my exposure to religion when I finally realized I had a chance was when my birth mother came back into my life in sixth grade.

And my dad was like,

If you want to meet her,

You can.

It's up to you.

And I was like,

Well,

I do want to meet my mom.

I want to get to know her.

So eventually,

I met her.

I moved to Utah with her for my sixth grade year.

And it was predominantly Mormon.

And my mother,

Of course,

Believed in church.

She would go,

Which was also her upbringing.

So I just kind of feel like by default,

She was put into it because she was in foster care.

And her foster parents were from Utah.

And she just grew up with that religion.

So I never realized.

I looked at my mom as an individual to her beliefs.

She just kind of did what she was told.

And so they would always come to the house.

They would always preach.

And I remember this one time,

They were talking about the golden plates of the Book of Mormon or whatever.

And I was like,

Where are these plates?

And they're like,

Oh,

They buried them again.

And I was like,

Well,

Why did they bury them?

Why do we not have them if these are the commandments?

How come you can't prove it?

And then they started talking about Native American culture and how our culture is wrong and that we shouldn't listen to what my grandparents taught me.

And that was the breaking point where I was like,

You know what?

I'm not going to sit here and have you disrespect people that I felt like have mold me into the person that I am or have done the most for me.

And you sit there in such a negative way.

And that just solidified that whole idea of religion,

Christianity is all negative.

It's just a very negative place.

And I have no time for it.

So at that point,

I got up from the living room.

And I told my mom,

I was like,

You know what?

I'm not doing this.

I'm not going to sit here and listen to these people bad mouth my grandparents' religion.

I was like,

I'm going to my room.

Bye.

And from that point on,

I told myself,

I'm never going to participate in anything like this again.

Just wondering,

It sounds like your grandparents passed away,

Passed into the next world when you were seven.

Was there anyone else in the family who kind of had been trained?

Did your grandfather pass on any of his knowledge?

Did anyone take up that mantle,

Take on that blessing as being the medicine person in your family?

There was not one person that took over.

I think it really shocked our family.

Like I said,

My grandmother was just a part of our community for anyone,

Not even just the immediate family,

But everyone in that community.

She was a huge,

Huge part of that community,

A small mountain town called Crystal,

New Mexico.

Even the Navajo Nation president would stop by and have.

My grandma always had stew on the stove.

She always had something to feed somebody.

Anytime somebody stopped by,

She would make sure you were fed.

In the native culture,

You never turn down food.

It's disrespectful.

You just say yes and eat.

Even if it's just like a cup of soup,

You eat that.

When my grandparents passed away,

Because it was my grandmother,

I call him my grandpa.

He's like my grandfather-in-law.

She married it to him.

And then my grandmother's brother,

Johnny,

And his wife,

Ruby,

They were in a car accident.

And all four had perished in that accident.

And so it was just such a huge loss to our family that I think us practicing our traditions hurt more because it always just constantly reminded us of their teachings and instilling in us.

So we kind of put it on the back burner,

Where we just then,

I think majority of my family just kind of put their heads down and just didn't want to talk about it,

Didn't care to elaborate on it.

Which growing up was a hard thing as a kid,

Because you're just like,

Well,

Can we talk about it?

Can I look at pictures?

Can I remember the good things?

And it's just like,

No,

You don't talk about it.

You don't hang on to materialistic things if they've moved on from the past,

Because pretty much my family burned all of their belongings,

Kept some of the jewelry.

Some of the jewelry went with them when they were buried.

So it was just kind of like,

It was like erasure,

Basically.

Because for them to move on to the next world,

You have to let go of all the ties of this world.

Because if not,

They're going to get stuck in between,

Which then comes with bad energy or hauntings or things like that,

Like they're just lost between this world and the next.

So no one really took over the duties.

But I feel personally,

Because I was there with my grandparents,

They had teepees and hogans next to our mountain cabin,

Where people would come up and my grandparents would do ceremonies,

Where I was always involved.

I'd sit there with my grandma on the hogan floor,

Listen to the music,

Listen to the prayers.

I would help her make the food in the morning to bring to everyone that was in the ceremony,

Prep for the next day,

Get wood.

I was very involved in what my grandparents were doing.

And I personally feel,

And no one else in my family has expressed this.

So I just,

At this point,

I feel like I'm the only one where I feel like I have their blessings in the fact that I dream about things,

I can see it.

Very much like when my grandparents did ceremonies,

If they took a burden off somebody else,

It eventually attached themselves to them,

Where they had to process whatever was hurting or whatever baggage that person had or whatever curse they had was latched onto them and they had to somehow get rid of it.

So like,

For example,

Like if you had something negative attached to you,

My grandparents would do this ceremony,

It would be taken off you,

You would go home,

You would feel better,

It wouldn't follow you home,

But it would be stuck with them.

And then they processed it their own way to get rid of it or to expel it.

But I feel like I have that in me as well,

Where dreams really mean a lot to me.

My grandmother was a huge dreamer.

She had all the dreams,

The visions.

I feel like I have that to this day.

I don't practice it,

But I feel it.

Your grandmother,

What a powerful human being.

Not only just in the community,

Welcoming people and being so vibrant and charismatic and welcoming the stranger,

But also having kind of prophetic dreams and having these visions.

She sounds like a true mystic,

As the Western world would call it.

Someone deeply,

Deeply kind of,

Well,

Someone kind of with a foot in two different worlds.

That's how I think about it.

Like you have one foot in this world,

But then you can also walk in this other world,

Which I think is hard to learn how to do.

Myself,

I just think you have to kind of be born with that innate kind of gift,

I guess.

I call it a gift,

But it sounds like she absolutely had that gift,

Which is fabulous,

I think.

Yes.

Yeah,

And it sounds like you have it a little bit too.

I think if I'm,

What I'm hearing you say,

Is that true?

Yes.

Okay,

That's a big legacy to live into.

I know,

I think about it all the time where I've just like,

If my grandmother was still alive,

Would her and I have this connection where most of my family says this,

But some family members don't,

But like my grandmother and I were like the closest and the strongest bonded,

I think.

I was just always with her and I always did the most with her.

And even to this day,

I still feel like my grandma is the most I have of her in me.

I just wanna know what it would have been like if I got to sit here today and talk to her,

Be like,

Oh my God,

I had this dream.

Or if there was anything else she could have taught me or helped me hone in on these skills,

Or maybe I would have been the medicine person on the reservation,

Carrying on these things from my grandparents where they're teaching me,

But we'll never know,

Because that never came.

But I just,

I think about things like that.

Where would this gift that I feel that I have have gotten or how further it could have gone or more powerful I could have been to help other people and not this world,

But in the holy world or dimensions beyond just this.

Yeah,

And I think my grandmother,

Being Mexican and Navajo,

She did things that weren't traditional because she had to pull from two different sides of herselves where Navajo people don't do,

Aren't supposed to do what maybe Mexican people are doing.

But she was stuck in between both worlds of like,

Well,

They do this and I do this,

How do I do it?

And I know my grandma did some things controversial that a lot of really traditionalist Navajo people would be like,

You shouldn't be doing that.

But I just kind of felt like my grandma had that extra power because she had,

She pulled from two different things.

And that's how I feel too,

Like pulling from three different cultures,

Mexican,

Navajo,

And Shina Risu,

I'm kind of like,

All of them are very different,

Somewhat similar,

But each have like different values.

And that's kind of also the hardest because you have to navigate three different,

I don't say like versions of yourself,

But you have to compromise in a comfortable medium between all of them.

I feel like that's also helps add to the mystery and the coolness of it all,

I guess.

For me,

It's cool.

I'm excited to share.

I normally don't share like a lot of things.

Personally,

I'm a very closed off person.

But again,

When you had reached out to me and asked me about all these topics,

I was like,

Wow,

This is gonna be really fun because I never really talked about it,

But I'm comfortable talking about it.

The way this interview is turning out,

It's kind of nice because I gave a little foreshadowing to what I'm going to explain.

Like I said,

When,

Before my grandmother had passed,

It was December of 97,

My grandparents passed away.

A few weeks before,

And I wanna say it's a week,

But I can't recall because I was seven.

And that part of my,

After my grandparents passed away,

Just kind of things just were suppressed from my memory.

But I remember one evening when my dad,

Because my dad married an Apache woman and we lived in Salee,

Arizona,

Which back in the day was about a 45 minute to an hour drive.

I remember my grandparents came,

It was like maybe seven o'clock,

Eight o'clock,

And they knocked on the door and my dad was surprised.

And I was surprised because I was like,

I don't usually see my grandma,

Because I was trying to live with my dad and be a part of his married life and have that family sense.

So I stepped away from my grandparents for a little bit.

And one day,

One evening,

My grandmother stopped by with my grandfather and they had all their,

They had a gourd box,

Which is where it carries like their rattles,

Their feathers,

Smokes,

Pipes,

Crystals,

Everything they need to do a ceremony.

And I remember my dad and my grandma talking,

But I wasn't listening,

Because as kids you're told not to listen in on adult conversation.

So I was just minding my own thing,

But I was like so excited my grandma was there,

But I wanted to like run up,

But I was like,

They're talking.

So my grandfather like set up and my dad was like,

We're gonna do a quick ceremony,

Your grandma wants to do something for you.

And I was like,

For me,

I was like,

Okay,

Like that's special,

Because it's kind of a special thing.

And so I was like,

Okay,

So we sat there,

We set up,

Turned off all the lights,

We had a fire stove,

They had like a pot that they put in the middle,

It's like embers.

And usually the embers send the messages where whoever's doing the ceremony,

My grandfather,

My grandma,

They can read into these embers,

And these embers send messages,

Like pictures,

And they take those readings.

And I didn't know what was happening.

I just knew my grandma wanted to do something for me.

And so I sat there,

We did the whole ceremony,

It takes maybe like an hour,

But it's like complete silence.

You just sit there,

Sing,

Chant,

Talk.

And I just remember my grandparents leaving.

And my grandma gave me this,

Oh my God,

I'm gonna cry.

The last time I saw my grandma,

She gave me a big hug,

Which was right after the ceremony.

And she said,

Well,

My nickname was Mouse.

And she's like,

I love you so much.

God,

I'm gonna cry.

She said she loved me so much,

She gave me the biggest hug.

And I just,

Every time I was around my grandma,

I just felt love,

I felt warmth,

I felt comfort.

I was never,

Never scared.

And so when my grandma gave me that hug,

I was just like,

Oh,

Thank you,

Thank you.

Because I didn't see her for a bit,

Because that summer I think we moved away.

And so I would see my grandma every time we would go back to Crystal.

But that was the last time I seen her.

They went about their day,

Or their night,

They drove back that night,

Which was also kind of weird,

Because I'm like,

My grandparents would never drive at night.

It's dangerous to drive on the reservation at night.

There's livestock,

You could break down,

And there's like,

There was no cell phones back then,

It was not paved roads.

So it was just very like,

It wasn't safe to be outside.

But they drove home anyways.

And then I went to sleep.

And then I think like a week later,

Someone showed up,

Talked to my dad,

And I could tell something was wrong.

I just knew something was wrong,

Because just,

I feel that energy,

I feed off energy.

And I could just tell like in the body language,

And just watching my dad,

Because I really do love my dad.

I just saw his body language,

And I just read this energy,

And I was like,

Something's wrong.

And you know,

He just started crying.

And then he immediately like looks to me,

And he was like,

Your grandparents have passed away.

They were involved in a car accident.

And back then you couldn't call or do cell phones,

So people had to drive to people's houses to tell them,

And they drove all that.

It happened that evening,

And they came to us at night.

It's kind of like this around the same time,

My grandmother knocked on our door.

And so I was just like completely shocked.

And I just was like numb as a kid,

Honestly.

When I found,

When they broke the news to me,

I just,

I was like,

I shut down.

And I was like,

This isn't real.

I don't know what's going on.

And so my dad did his best to like talk to me and whatever.

And he was like,

Do you remember why your grandma came to see you?

And I was like,

Yes.

And I,

As a kid,

I put it together,

Because what my grandmother,

And this is where I believe in things beyond like upper power,

Higher power,

Just that magic of unexplained,

That no one else can explain unless you actually experience it.

And my dad was like,

When your grandmother came here,

Do you remember why she came?

And I was like,

Yeah,

She had a dream about me.

And he was like,

What was the dream?

And I was like,

My grandma had a dream that I died in her dream.

And she was,

And then he was like,

Do you remember the dream?

And I was like,

Yeah,

I remember we were all playing at grandma's house.

And my aunt,

Who's my dad's sister,

Her husband is Rick.

One of his brothers,

I guess,

Was choking in the dream.

That this is,

I'm gonna tell you my grandma's dream.

She said,

Everyone was out playing outside and all the adults were inside were playing.

She walks outside and she realizes that Bert is choking.

She's like,

They're trying to like do CPR and whatever.

And then he ends up dying in the dream.

And then I end up choking.

And then I just remember my grandma's being like,

I saw Thomas fall down and he didn't get back up.

And so she tried to bring me back to life and I wasn't able to come back to life.

And my grandma was like,

Pretty much my grandma said,

She didn't want this to happen to me.

So she came to get rid of that dream because she didn't want nothing to happen to me.

Because again,

Like I said,

I'm a big dreamer.

My grandma was a big dreamer.

She saw visions,

I saw visions,

And she saw this happening.

She was like,

This is not gonna happen.

And when we did that ceremony,

Pretty much my grandma offered her place for me.

My dad was talking to me about that and the ceremony that had happened.

My grandma took it upon herself to be like,

No,

If anything's gonna happen,

It's gonna happen to me.

Let my grandson live his life and move on or whatever.

So my dad was talking to me about that and the ceremony that we had.

And honestly,

I don't know if the rest of my family knows this because I don't think my dad's talked to the family about it.

It was just his wife and her stepkids,

Me and my grandparents.

It's literally,

That's all that was there.

It wasn't like a family affair or anything.

It was just my grandma immediately came over,

Did the ceremony and then left.

And next thing you know,

She moved on to the next world.

And I was really numb by that.

And I think that's why I shut down because I was just trying to process like,

Why did my grandma do this?

And to me,

I was just thinking more of like,

Why?

I wasn't caught up in the moment of like,

I'm gonna be sad because my grandma's not here.

I was just trying to figure out why she did what she did and what everything meant.

And it wasn't until the funeral that I guess I finally grounded myself and came back to present day in the moment.

Because I remember we were in the church,

It was a Mormon church,

But it was the only place that could accommodate four caskets,

All the family members.

I just remember me and my sister,

Oshi,

She came from California,

Or my cousin's sister,

But in native culture,

Your cousins are your brothers,

Your aunties are your moms and your dads and other grandparents are grandparents.

My dad's sister Tinker brought Oshiana back,

Who's my sister.

But I remember her and I were standing together and everyone was doing the viewing and her and I were just like,

What do we do?

No one was around me because everyone was busy doing everything and I was just sitting there.

And obviously I wasn't like emotional,

So no one thought to like worry about me.

And then her and I were like,

Do you wanna go see grandma?

And I was like,

Yeah,

But I don't wanna go alone.

I don't either.

She's like,

Should we go together?

And I was like,

Yes.

So we,

Seven year olds,

Us,

Just getting in line by ourselves to go through the line to view our loved ones.

And I remember passing by my grandma and she was like in all blue and she was a big Dallas Cowboy fan and she just had nothing but Dallas Cowboy on her.

She had like a Dallas Cowboy towel in her hand and I didn't feel anything.

And I was like,

Why,

What's going on?

Why am I not sad?

I see so many somber people around me.

I don't know what's going on.

So then we,

Me and my sister were like,

Do you wanna go back more time?

Cause we're like,

This is the last time I'm gonna see our grandma.

And so we went back through and I think that's when it finally hit me thinking about everything and like my grandma did what she did and it like hit me so hard and I was just like sad cause I was like,

I didn't want her to go.

Why did it have to be her?

Then I came down as like a kid.

Then I just became a kid.

Like,

Why,

Why?

What good should I have left?

Why did you leave me?

Now I'm here all by myself.

And I just remember crying and then everyone consulted me.

I was just the hot mess.

I wasn't like screaming or crying.

I was just like deeply like sobbing where I just like,

I couldn't function.

I couldn't stand.

I couldn't move.

I just cried.

And I remember my family consoling me and then they had to go to the burial site which it was in the middle of December.

So it was kind of muddy.

So you just had like these hearses trying to make up a mountain to get to the burial site.

They eventually made it.

But when you go to my grandma's house on the land there's one part,

Cause it's private family plot.

When you go left and you go right,

I didn't go to the funeral site.

I was the only one who didn't go.

And my dad was with my mom at that time cause my mom came back because she knew my grandmother and my grandmother knew her.

She just had respect for my grandma.

So she came back.

And then I remember my dad and my mom walking with me.

I just went straight back to my grandma's house and everyone else went to the family plot to do the burial and the ceremony and all that.

And I just remember turning on the Lion King cause that was my favorite movie.

And my grandmother bought me this Pinocchio recliner.

It was like a kid's size recliner and it was Pinocchio.

And I just remember sitting in the chair and my grandmother always had cheese in the fridge for me which is where I got the nickname mouse.

I would just eat cheese all the time.

And sure enough,

I opened my grandma's fridge and there's cheese in there.

And I don't know,

It's like,

Does my grandma just constantly keep cheese in here?

Like,

Why is it sitting here for me?

And then there was also Lunchables which was like a luxury as a kid.

Like if you got Lunchables,

Baby,

You were living life.

And there was Lunchables in there.

And I was like so confused as to why is there all my favorite snacks in here?

And then so Lion King too was like already ready for me.

And I just kind of felt like my grandma was like,

You know,

Just come be by yourself,

Come process this on your own.

You don't need to be doing what everyone else is doing.

Just have a snack,

Sit in your chair,

Watch TV.

And I just felt so much comfort when I was in my grandma's house.

And I think that was another thing besides the ceremony,

Again,

Where my grandma was just there.

And she was like,

Relax,

Be comfortable,

Eat some cheese,

Watch your favorite movie,

Sit in the house,

The house,

Even though in such a negative place and time,

It just felt warm.

And there was no fire going because there was no one staying in the house.

And so it just felt warm to me.

I felt happy.

And I just sat there and I just ate my snacks.

And then I fell asleep and then my parents took me home.

My dad took me home and then carried on from there.

So it's just like things like my grandma keeps constantly putting reminders in my life to say,

I'm still here,

I'm still watching you,

Keep going.

Thank you so much for listening to episode 86 of Bite-Sized Blessings.

I'm so grateful to my beautiful guest,

Tomahawk Martini,

For sharing her precious story with me.

A story of sacrifice,

Of deep love,

And of dreams that can save lives.

To see more of Tomahawk and her beautiful work,

Please visit her Instagram,

At Tomahawk Martini,

Or her TikTok,

Tomahawk Martini.

Tomahawk is truly changing the lives and lifting the spirits of everyone around her.

I need to thank the creators of the music used in this episode.

Alexander Nagarada,

Winnie the Moog,

Taiga Sound Productions,

John Bartman,

Music L Files,

Frank Schroeder,

Horst Hoffman,

And Sasha End.

For complete attribution,

Please see the Bite-Sized Blessings website at bite-sizedblessings.

Com.

On the website,

You'll find links to other episodes,

To books,

Music,

And change makers like Tomahawk,

Who will lift and brighten your day.

Thank you for listening.

And here's my one request.

Be like Tomahawk.

Be beautiful.

Be gorgeous inside and out.

Lift others up,

And on the grand adventure that is your life,

Bring everyone else along with you.