Hello,
Dear one.
As a marriage and family therapist,
I get the privilege of working with a lot of different people regarding a lot of different issues and one that is a common one is people that were raised by emotionally immature parents.
You know you're one of these people when you had to be an adult as a child,
When you had to take care of your parents or your younger siblings,
Whether it be in physical ways or emotional ways.
Another big factor to identify with is the it was not okay to have emotions.
When you expressed your emotions,
You were either shamed,
Shut down,
Or rebuffed.
You were told to go to your room or you're making it into a bigger deal.
One of my favorites was,
If you don't stop crying,
I'll give you a reason to stop crying.
And these messages that we received as children told us that it was not okay to be who we are.
It's not okay to feel what we feel.
It's not okay to think what we think,
Want what we want,
Need what we need.
And what happened without us realizing it is we disconnected from our authentic self and we tried to become the person we thought our parents needed and wanted and approved of.
For many of us,
It was the way or the only way to get love,
To get approval,
Was to do it the way mom and dad wanted.
The consequences of trying to express those emotions were far too great because of the emotional rejection,
The emotional judgment for some,
Even to the point of physical abuse.
It doesn't matter which way it happened,
It all caused damage.
It made us shrink from who we really are and gave us very confusing messages because the truth is there's never anything wrong with what we feel.
It's the one thing we get that nobody gets to argue with.
I feel what I feel.
Now what can get us in trouble is what we do with that feeling.
Yes,
We do have responsibility.
Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I can yell and slam things and break things and say hurtful things.
No.
In my anger though,
I can respond in healthy ways.
But for those of us that were raised with parents that couldn't manage emotions,
Who did not have a emotional intelligence at all,
We have some work to do.
We have some catching up to do because now as adults,
We have to figure out how to connect with our authentic self,
To identify what it is that we're really feeling and own it.
Communicate about it.
To find the courage again to ask for what we need.
And I find there's two paths that people respond.
Either they become externalizers,
Meaning they take this hurt and pain that they've had,
The messages that they received,
And they kind of look outward and blame other people,
Look for the things that caused this outside of them.
And I'm not saying that's wrong.
It was just a coping mechanism that they learned.
The challenge is it just doesn't work long-term.
The other way is the internalizers.
And I find that they struggle a little bit more because they took all of those messages and took it within themselves and believed they were bad,
Believed that they were doing something wrong,
Took the responsibility that if they could just get it right,
If they could just be perfect,
If they could just try harder,
Everything would be okay.
They're the ones that assume fault quickly,
That just automatically go to the place that they're wrong,
They're bad,
That somehow they did something.
And it's such a knee-jerk reaction.
They don't even realize what's actually happening in those moments.
And it has been such a privilege to watch people heal and grow and start owning their life,
To start owning their feelings.
Emotional intelligence,
Boiled down,
Is what we feel matters.
Every behavior you have,
Every thought you have,
Every action you take is based on an emotion.
But if you don't know what it is that you're really feeling,
Then it's really hard to be aware and to make authentic choices in those moments because you're constantly reacting.
If you have patterns in your life that you keep going to and yet they don't serve you,
It's because you're just going back to what you know.
And you need some tools to be able to move forward to help you be able to manage these emotions,
To help you really be able to see what's going on.
I'm buying into the lie my parents told me that it's not okay to be or do or have or want.
One of the biggest things I end up doing with clients is just getting them comfortable to be able to feel what it is that they feel.
To talk about it out loud and oftentimes as that process begins,
They feel so guilty.
They feel so bad that they are breaking family rules.
What's going to happen when I share this?
And they expect the retaliation and yet that's not how their spouse sees them or their children.
And one of the things that makes this work so important if you're a parent is that we can change the family pattern.
We can give our kids the gift and the freedom to be who they really are because they deserve that.
Because it is a part of learning and growing in life that is so important.
To know that I can be who I am and still be loved and still belong.
That even though they're the kid,
What they feel,
Think,
Want and need matters.
And it matters to you.
Such a powerful healing thing to be able to give to our kids as we work through our stuff as adults.
And if you have kids,
Use them as your motivator.
Use them as the opportunity not only to help heal yourself but to give them the opportunity to not have to hurt and grow in ways that you have to now.
If you find yourself,
I would never say this to my kid,
Then please don't say it to yourself.
If you find yourself saying,
I don't want my kids to feel like this or do this,
Then don't do it.
You've got to lead by example.
And part of that is doing our own work.
It is truly feeling that uncomfortable feeling of looking within,
Connecting to ourselves and opening our heart again.
Because there's no other way for that healing to work.
What I find is often people's coping strategy is stay super busy.
Just go,
Go,
Go.
Don't stop.
Don't look within.
But one of the things that starts to surface is,
Especially as the internalizers start to take care of everybody else,
They get resentful.
They get angry because people don't give back to them.
And they get really confused on why.
And the issue is because you keep trying to find approval by doing things for other people instead of taking care of you.
And please don't hear that as judgment.
I get it.
I've been there.
I've done it.
And that's what makes this so rewarding for me is I've had to do this exact same work to get to the other side,
To heal from it.
And that's why I know this works.
It works.
And you deserve it.
You deserve to feel that comfortability within you,
To feel love for yourself,
To realize that you are okay.
One of my favorite authors and speakers is Michael Singer,
The author of The Untethered Soul.
And one of the things that he talks about is you don't need the world,
The weather,
Your children,
Your parents,
Your spouse,
Your friends,
Your work to be a certain way in order for you to be okay.
You are okay.
The real you that is inside is okay.
You are enough.
You matter.
You have what it takes.
The job is or the task is to connect with that part of you and stop listening to the mind telling you all of these misinformed messages that came from insecure and limited places from other people.
I know our parents had a powerful voice in our life,
But as adults we get to choose which voice we're going to listen to.
And I want to encourage you listen to your authentic voice.
The one that's inside of you.
Not your mind shattering.
The you that's noticing your mind.
The you that's feeling the pain,
Feeling the joy and excitement.
You deserve it.
You're worthy of it.
And it will change your life.
Namaste.
