7 Ways To Start Setting Boundaries Effectively

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being. In this IT, Krista shares with you 7 ways to start setting boundaries effectively. Through Identifying your limits so you know where to start + How to communicate clearly so there are no Misunderstandings + Be assertive, but not aggressive + NO is a complete sentence + why it's so important to start small when setting boundaries + support is essential when you are setting boundaries and lastly - Krista shares why it's imperative to remember boundaries are not static but rather may need to be adjusted as you grow and change.

Transcript

Hi there,

I am your guide today,

Krista Kokot.

I am a certified life coach working online,

Helping you stop the cycle of people pleasing and set some boundaries.

Today I want to talk to you guys and share with you some insight around setting boundaries.

I talk a lot about this because boundary setting is essential,

In my opinion,

For maintaining really healthy relationships as far as your personal well-being.

On one of the insight timers that I did lead,

I was sharing about mental health,

Emotional health,

Spiritual,

Physical,

They're all intertwined.

And today I want to give you seven ways to start setting boundaries effectively in your life.

I want to give you seven strategies to be aware of in your own life in order to help you start setting boundaries,

Whether this is with your family,

Whether this is with your friends,

If this is in your work environment,

Wherever this may be,

We all need healthy boundaries.

It is the foundation,

In my opinion,

Of self-care and of self-love and of truly loving who we are and taking care of ourselves to the core of our being.

So the first one that I want you to do,

If you want a pen and paper,

You can write this stuff down.

If you want to come back and listen to it again at your earliest or near convenience,

Then do that as well.

But I do suggest that you write these down because it will help solidify into your consciousness a little bit more,

The act of writing.

So the first one is identify your limits,

Identify what you value.

Identify what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with physically,

Emotionally,

Mentally,

With materialistic things.

What do you like?

What do you don't?

What don't you like?

Reflect on your past experiences.

If you can't have anything come up,

Think back to when you felt triggered.

Think back to when somebody maybe overstepped,

When somebody went into your boundaries,

When they crossed a line and for you,

It sent something off inside of you that you were like,

This is not okay.

That is a boundary being crossed.

So when you're able to feel,

Reflect back into those feelings,

When you have felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed,

Those will help you define what you value and what your limits are.

The second thing for setting boundaries with people is really communicate clearly.

And I truly believe that boundaries are not all about communication.

Verbal is what I mean.

There's a lot of physical boundaries that can be done.

We can distance ourselves physically.

I'll give you an example.

One of my boundaries is zero drama speaking.

So I don't like to be around drama.

I don't like to hear drama.

It is actually like fingernails on a chalkboard for me now,

Because that was me.

That was an old version of my past self.

I thrived in drama.

I love got everything unfold because it's where I felt needed,

Important,

Seen,

Heard.

It was my value was wrapped up in knowing things first.

And I talk a lot about that in my social media and on here sometimes as well.

But now because I've healed so much from that and don't want that anymore in my life because it's so damaging and toxic,

It literally sends shivers up my spine.

So if I am in a group of people and somebody might start talking about somebody else or a situation that feels like it's drama to me,

I can feel it in my gut.

I will physically walk away from the conversation.

And if it's just one-on-one,

I will steer the conversation quickly elsewhere.

So if somebody is talking,

I'll be like,

Hey,

What's that over there sitting on the buffet table?

If I feel not comfortable starting and clearly communicating,

Hey,

You know what?

I don't think this is the right time to be talking about this right now.

It's not really appropriate.

I'm going to be doing another Insight Timer coming out on ways to start conversations with boundaries because I know that's a big one that will stop a lot of us from actually doing it.

So I want to give you an example for clearly communicating.

When we can get around that and get prepared for that,

You're going to have a much better time of setting boundaries in your life.

Avoid being really ambiguous.

I don't really like when you do that.

Say something like,

I need you to call me before you come over.

So do you see the difference?

Like,

What do they do as opposed to,

Can you please call me before you come over in the morning?

It gives clear,

Direct communication.

The next one is be assertive but not aggressive.

This goes along with the communication.

So assertiveness,

What that means is expressing your needs,

Expressing your desires in a really respectful way using I statements and not you did this,

You're the one,

Right?

As soon as we say you,

People get their back up.

Nobody's listening.

You don't like it.

You know,

If I was to go,

You did this to me.

We must start with I.

And that is being assertive but not aggressive.

I feel stressed when,

Right,

Instead of when you do that.

Why do you keep doing that?

I feel stressed when the words,

When you walk away,

I don't feel seen.

Whatever it may be.

And we don't want to come from a place of blame,

Blaming them for doing something,

But take ownership of your own feelings.

The next thing,

Number four,

For when we're looking at setting boundaries is really start small.

I say this with everything in our lives.

When we start with any goals,

With anything that's new,

When we go to the gym,

We don't go for three hours right off the bat.

We couldn't walk the next day or sit down or sit up or whatever it is that you're working,

Right?

You have to start small.

Do the small,

Less challenging situations in order to build your confidence with setting boundaries.

As you become more confident and you tackle,

You know,

More of those,

You'll be able to do more and you'll build your own self-confidence around them.

Small successes will reinforce your ability to set and maintain.

Because here's the thing with boundaries,

You guys.

Say you say to somebody,

I need you to call before you come over in the morning.

And they show up and they still just come over and you let them in the door,

Guess what?

They realize that you're not actually holding firm to those boundaries and they're just going to keep doing it anyways.

They're like,

Well,

She's not serious.

He's not serious about that.

He'll still let me in.

The key to boundary setting is the follow through.

It is the follow through.

That is why we have to start small.

That is why when you get asked to make cookies for your kids,

Fourth grade at 12 o'clock at night,

You say,

I'm sorry,

It's too late.

I can't do that.

That's a no.

You start with,

I'm not going for a walk today because I'm exhausted and I have a bath instead.

You,

Whatever a small step is for you.

Start there,

Start there.

One of my favorite things is when I will get a message from one of my private clients and I'll say,

Guess what?

I just set a boundary with my mother-in-law today or I just set a boundary with my boss today.

And it felt so good.

It doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

But what it does do is it builds your confidence to continue on doing it.

The next one,

Number five,

Is learn to say no.

Oh,

This is a big one.

I think there's so many of us up with what?

No,

I don't even know that.

I don't even know that word.

Practice saying no to requests or demands that infringe on your time,

Energy and values.

My husband was a youth pastor for years,

And I would say yes to all the things.

I go with him places.

I would do all the things.

And one of the things that I started to practice to do was to say no to going to all the events.

And it took a while for me to be OK with that because I thought I was letting him down.

I thought I was letting,

You know,

Whatever it was.

It was like,

Oh,

But I remember that feeling of saying no.

And it was a Friday night.

And I'm like,

I just want to be on my own.

I just want my own time.

And it felt so good mixed in with a little bit of guilt,

Of course,

Because we have to work through that when we first are setting boundaries.

But when you can remember to prioritize your needs and that you don't have to explain yourself to anybody,

Nobody,

That's the hardest thing.

We usually say no because,

No,

But here's why.

No is a complete sentence.

And I know most of you listening to this know this.

And when we do the work of healing,

Why we have such a hard time saying no,

It really does become easier and easier to do it.

Number six,

Leading into that is seek support.

Get a counselor,

Get a therapist,

Get a life coach like myself that actually specializes in helping people,

Because we have to sometimes visit the past in order to move forward.

And that's the reason why we have such a hard time setting boundaries.

There's a reason why we are putting ourselves last or near the bottom of our to-do list,

Of to-take-care-of list.

But when you can get the encouragement,

Advice,

Feedback,

The support to help navigate you through this process,

It'll make it so much easier for you to set these boundaries.

Remember,

Too,

The last one I want to tell you is you can always reevaluate and readjust your boundaries.

I like to call it the pendulum swinging.

When we first start out setting boundaries,

Sometimes we're,

Yes,

We'll do it all.

And then we,

Wait a second,

I'm so upset.

I'm so angry.

I'm so mad.

I'm bitter.

I'm frustrated.

That pendulum swings all the way to the other side.

And we're saying no to everything.

And we're now locked in our room and never leaving because we've said we're just burnt out.

And then what happens is we have to find that middle ground.

So it's OK as you grow.

Maybe there was a time when you're like,

I'm not doing anything.

I'm not going out.

I'm not going anywhere.

That you start to emerge from this function tonight.

You have to go try it to see if you like it,

To see if that's where a boundary needs to be set.

They're very fluid.

Boundaries are not supposed to be super rigid or super leaky,

I guess is a word that psychologists use.

Meaning you have none and meaning you're a brick wall.

They're very fluid.

Every person is different,

Right?

Every single one of us is different.

What my boundary might look like to you is going to be very different than what yours are to me.

So just remember,

As you grow and change,

Boundaries will need to be adjusted.

Evaluate your limits,

Evaluate what you value.

Be willing to make the changes in order to ensure that your needs are being met and then you're taking care of yourself.

Remember,

Boundaries are so that we can take care of others,

Not so we never take care of others again.

It is so we can take care of others to the best of our ability and our strength and our cup is full.

Because many of us that lack boundaries are over nurturers,

Over givers.

So that one today is seven ways to be able to tell and help you be able to evaluate.

And when you go to set boundaries,

These are seven ways to help you.

So until next time,

You guys,

I will see you back here.

I'm going to give you seven journaling voice prompts in order to help you actually start vocalizing.

Vocalizing when you're sitting down across with somebody or a bunch of people or you're in a group like I was talking about earlier.

I'm going to give you ways to actually articulate it and you can write them down verbatim.

So until then,

Take care,

Guys,

And we'll see you next time.