7 Examples To Help You Start A Boundaries Conversation

Krista shares 7 phrases that can help you start a conversation with anyone in a respectful and constructive matter. They are not always the easiest conversations to have but they are the ones that can make the most difference in deepening the relationships in your life.

Transcript

Hi there,

I am your guide Krista Cocutt.

Today I want to be guiding you through seven examples of what you can say to initiate a conversation about setting boundaries.

This is one of the things that I love to discuss and share and teach and help people is setting boundaries in their life,

Recovering from people pleasing.

And boundaries is one of the most important aspects of recovering from people pleasing.

What I have found is that the actual starting of conversations of boundary setting is where people get fumbled because we don't know what to say when we start a conversation with somebody.

We know they're bothering us.

We know the situation isn't good for us.

We know we're being triggered.

We know we feel all these things,

But how do we tell them?

And it will be uncomfortable,

First of all.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

It isn't easy until you start doing it over and over and you get more competent in what you're doing.

Therefore,

Confidence will flow from your competency.

And that just means the more practice that you do,

The easier it will become,

The more confident you'll be,

And you'll prove to yourself that you can actually do the thing that you need to do.

This goes in all areas of our life.

But today,

I wanna share with you seven different ways that you can start initiation with somebody.

Okay,

So the first one is maybe in a work environment where you are feeling like you are saying yes too many times,

You are work overload.

Maybe you feel like you want a raise and you want more money and you've been putting in the time and you've been proving yourself over and over and over again and it's like,

Okay,

And you go home bitter and angry and upset and you keep saying yes to the workload and it's just not working out anymore for you.

And you like the job perhaps,

Right?

You like where you are,

Or maybe you know there's a change coming in the future for your business or your job that you're at,

But not right now.

You need the finances right now.

So here's one way that you can go in and talk to your manager,

Your boss,

Maybe it's just an employee,

A fellow worker that you work with and you need to have this conversation with them and you wanna keep it amicable,

Right?

You work with these people,

You see them all the time.

So you wanna have this conversation that is,

You will see them again and it's okay and there's no hard feelings,

It's not awkward.

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I think it's important for us to talk about a few things where we're both comfortable.

How does that sit with you when I say that?

If I was to come to you and go,

Hey,

You know what?

And make it yours,

Of course,

I'm going to be say it.

I'm going to say it because I've written these down,

But make it yours,

Make it comfortable for you to say it to somebody,

Put your voice to it.

Hey,

You know what?

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately with what's going on around here.

And I just think in order for us to keep our relationship good and smooth,

I just think it's really important that we discuss a few things so that we're both on the same page.

We both feel good about this.

So that's one way to start a conversation.

Another one that I will have this with my husband and I will say something to him like,

Babe,

I really value our relationship.

You are the most important person to me and to keep it healthy and to keep it honest,

I'd like to discuss some boundaries that I've been working on in my own life that are really important to me and I feel like they're being crossed.

And that's my own fault for doing that,

But I'm just becoming aware of it.

And so I want to just talk to you about them.

And that is a great way to couch a conversation that you're going to have with someone that you really care about.

Or maybe with like a friend or could even be a work acquaintance.

There's something that's been on my mind and I think it's really important for us to address it to avoid misunderstandings in the future.

This can be something that possibly,

You know how sometimes we will have,

Things will happen last week and a month ago,

Two months ago,

It's never too late to bring up a conversation that you feel you need to clear the air.

This can be something.

Hey,

You know what?

You know that conversation we had three months ago?

I think there's something,

It's been weighing on me and I just really need to clear the air.

And I think it's important for us to address it to avoid misunderstandings in the future.

Because how many times do we have conversations and we just sweep it under the rug and yet it gnaws on us.

It weighs on us.

And that is a clear sign that maybe you need to discuss it.

Maybe it needs to be talked about.

I'm not saying overthinking,

Okay?

So many of us are overthinkers as well.

When we do speak up,

When we do share what's on our mind and on our heart and then we walk away,

We're like,

Oh my God,

I shouldn't have said that.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about a misunderstanding,

Something that maybe just keeps really hitting you in the heart that it's weighing heavily on you.

So that's a great way to start it.

Another one is I need to share something with you that's been bothering me.

Can we talk about how we can make things work better for both of us?

I wanna share something with you that's really been bothering me.

Can we talk about how we can make things work better for both of us?

And depending on who you're talking to,

Depending on who you're dealing with,

Sometimes it can be right then and there.

Other times,

Yeah,

Completely we can talk about that.

Can we do it tonight?

Can we do it next Wednesday at seven?

Depending on who the person is.

For me personally,

I am a person,

If somebody was to say,

Hey,

I need to talk to you about something,

I'd be like,

Yep,

Start talking.

I can't wait until next Tuesday at seven o'clock at night,

Right,

Because I will overthink everything of what they wanna talk about.

So figure out when the time and the place is appropriate for you.

Another one,

I wanna have an open conversation about our interactions to make sure we're both feeling respected and understood.

I will even take that a step further sometimes and I'll say,

Hey,

How do you like to be talked to?

How do you like to be explained?

How do you like things explained to you?

Sorry,

How do you like to be,

How do you like things articulated to you?

How do you feel respected?

How do you feel heard and understood?

I will do that with my own employees that I've had in my life.

I will figure out what is a boundary for them.

What do their boundaries look like?

Have an open conversation with them about your interactions that you're gonna have with them.

This is another beautiful one for maybe an in-law,

Cousin,

A friend that maybe is like,

A little bit maybe overbearing.

I really appreciate how much you care.

And I think it's important for us to be able to discuss some limits that will help me feel more comfortable.

Hey,

I love how much work you put into making me feel special.

However,

There's certain times that I feel a little uncomfortable with the amount of hugging that you give me or the amount of times you're just showing up at my door or whatever it may be for you.

Start off with something that you really love about what they're doing and then let them know but a conversation does need to be had.

This is something we need to pivot on.

This is something that I'm not feeling comfortable with so I need to let you know this so that you can become aware of it.

Another one,

The last one,

Can we sit down and talk about how we can respect each other's needs?

This might be a beautiful one for an intimate relationship that you're with.

Will help us avoid any potential conflicts.

My husband and I just had this one not long ago and I think he brought it up.

It's like,

Babe,

We need to really discuss how we can meet each other's needs in a better way and these can be blended,

Right?

I'm just giving you ideas of how to start conversations.

You make it your own.

Sometimes I'll start with conversations.

It's called couching when you come at a conversation with like,

Hey,

Guess what?

It's conversation time.

We have to have a talk and they're not always easy,

Right?

And here's what I wanna say and end this talk for you guys is that whatever direction the conversation goes at the end,

However the relationship is left,

Sometimes they will deepen and they will become better and strengthen and you guys will have more respect for one another and other times it will trigger the other person and they won't wanna hear it and they'll leave your life because they don't like that you're setting up boundaries because they,

I don't know if you've heard this quote before but it's one of my favorite quotes is the people that won't like you setting boundaries are the ones that benefited from you not having any.

One of my all time favorite quotes.

So when you start to do this,

People will either become more loving and respect you and appreciate you or they will leave your life or they may have a little,

Or they may have that straddle moment where they're not sure,

They don't want you to be gone from their life but they're not fully on board yet because they don't fully understand what's happening and it might take them a little while to come around.

All three of them are okay.

All three are necessary.

The people that leave your life were meant to leave.

They're making room for new ones and it's not easy.

I'm not saying like,

Bye,

It's not easy.

However,

When you follow what's in your heart and you follow what you know you need to do and you follow that urge to have healthy relationships and healthy mental space for yourself,

Boundaries are crucial in these steps that we're taking.

So there were some ideas to help you start conversations with people and I hope that they were able to,

I hope that you can use them.

Write them down.

Like I always say,

Write stuff down and see how that comes out for you.

Practice saying them in the mirror before you actually go say them to somebody.

I do that often.

I'll look in the mirror and hear my own voice.

So that was today's guys and thank you so much for being here.

Until next time,

Take care and we'll see you next time.