5 Ways To Break Free From People Pleasing Patterns

Krista will guide you through 5 different ways to help you curb the people pleasing patterns that many of us carry in our lives. Grab your journal and pen, you will want to take note of these self reflective tips that she shares with you.

Transcript

Alright,

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for clicking on this Insight Timer.

My name is Krista.

I am a Certified Life Coach,

And I help you stop the cycle of people-pleasing and set firm,

Loving boundaries so that you can move forward in your own life in the direction that you want to go.

Today,

I want to tackle five ways to break free from those people-pleasing patterns.

Now,

I encourage you to grab a journal and grab a pen so you can write these down,

And you can reflect back on them and work through them at your own pace.

If you need to dive deeper into this because you're not quite sure how to do some of these,

Please feel free to reach out.

Know that you're not alone.

We're going to get on to that in number four.

So,

Breaking free from people-pleasing patterns involves awareness,

Self-reflection,

And doing the intentional actions.

I always say in my practices that you can have all the knowledge in the world,

But unless you apply it,

It's not going to work.

So these strategies I'm going to give you work when you apply them.

So many times,

We know this stuff,

Myself included,

And we go,

Why isn't this working for me?

Or why isn't this working?

And it's because we're not applying it.

We know it,

But we're not applying it.

So the first thing I want to do is,

Already,

I'm assuming that you know what people-pleasing is.

You are doing things and abandoning yourself because you need the approval of other people.

So number one is understand your motivations.

Reflect on why it is that you people-please.

Why do you do it?

Why do you go above and beyond?

Why do you abandon yourself?

You don't listen to that no inside of you or that yes inside of you,

And you stay in a situation or you do something,

Even though you know.

You know,

You know,

You know it's not where you want to be.

Is it the fear of rejection?

Is it the fear of avoiding,

Is it avoiding conflict?

Because you're like,

I do not want conflict.

This was mine.

This was my number one.

I did not want to have to deal with any sort of conflict.

So I would say yes,

Or I would stay in a situation,

Or I just wouldn't rock the boat.

Is it the need for validation?

So I've shared before on many of my Insight Timers,

My podcast,

My social media about how I over-volunteered for so many years because I needed the validation from people to say,

Oh,

Look what she's doing.

Look what she's doing.

That's a need for validation.

So understand your motives.

It can be a hard pill to swallow when you look at it and go,

Oh,

Sick,

I'm doing this because this is where I'm finding my self-worth,

Or this is where I'm finding,

You know,

That I feel valued.

And journaling can help you uncover these patterns.

Write down a time when you feel compelled to say yes and explore the emotions that come with that.

All right?

It can be,

Hey,

Can you bring mashed potatoes to the family function?

And you say yes,

Even though you really don't want to.

This is a simplistic example I'm giving you.

However,

This is where it starts.

People-pleasing can be in all areas of our life,

Or it can just be in one area of our life.

Explore why is it so hard for you to say,

No,

I'm not going to bring them.

What's coming up for you?

Number two,

Set small,

Firm boundaries.

Start by simply saying no to a minor request.

Practice the simple,

Kind responses.

Like,

I can't commit to that right now.

Or,

You know what,

I'm going to have to let you know in a later time.

We have to remind ourselves,

And I continue to do this on a daily,

Setting boundaries is not about being unkind.

It's about self-respect.

It's about honoring yourself.

When we begin to set small,

Firm,

Loving,

Caring,

Kind boundaries,

We build our own self-confidence.

We build our own self-respect.

We start to realize that,

Hey,

People still like us.

And the ones that don't,

That needed to be revisited anyways.

So start by saying,

You know what,

The timing doesn't work for me to bring mashed potatoes to this event.

I don't have,

You know,

I don't have time to do it right now.

Thank you so much for asking me.

Please keep me in mind for next time.

That's a great response.

Number three,

Embrace the discomfort.

I've done sessions about detaching from the outcome,

Embracing discomfort.

People-pleasing often comes from avoiding discomfort.

We will continue to people-please because we don't want to feel this discomfort.

Understand and acknowledge that when you say no,

It might feel awkward because it's new.

Not because you can't do it,

But because it's new for you.

It might feel completely awkward,

But let me tell you,

Let me tell you something from experience.

It gets so much easier with practice.

The more you say,

No,

Thank you.

The more you choose you and what matters in your life,

Not necessarily just you,

But what's important to you.

Maybe you're neglecting your family because you're giving so much to work,

Or maybe you're giving so much to your family and not enough to work or whatever it is for you,

Whatever's coming up for you.

It's about respecting yourself and what it is that you truly value.

And the more that you set small,

Firm,

Loving boundaries and begin to embrace that discomfort that comes with that,

Possibly the guilt.

That was mine.

I'm like,

I feel so guilty for setting this boundary.

And you shouldn't.

There's that word shouldn't,

But it's natural.

It's very natural.

So it's embracing that it's going,

Ah,

Yep.

Here's the uncomfortableness.

I feel that's okay.

I'm allowed to do that.

Number four is shift your focus to self-worth.

We have to stop tying our self-worth for how much we do for others.

Oh,

You guys,

I can't explain this enough.

This is where the work lies.

We have to stop tying our self-worth into how much we're doing for others.

I started off this by saying that I was an over-volunteer.

That was the epitome of my self-worth was wrapped up in how much is Krista doing for other people?

Wow.

She's amazing.

My self-worth was so wrapped up in what people thought of me and what I was doing and that validation that I needed,

That I completely,

Completely lost my own self-worth.

I was looking for it for external circumstances.

A beautiful affirmation that I began to say was I am valuable because I exist,

Not because of what I do for others.

It can help reframe your mindset when you have affirmations like that.

It doesn't mean that we still don't like doing stuff for others.

I love doing stuff for others,

But when it works for me and when it's on,

You know,

When I feel I'm not neglecting myself or I'm not doing it looking for that external validation,

Looking for that external validation,

I'm not doing it for myself.

Them to go,

Good job looking for that.

Engage in activities that make you feel good and replenish your energy.

Do things that replenish your energy,

Not that suck you dry,

Actually refuel you.

Do things that bring you joy and bring you happiness.

And you know what?

And if nurturing others and serving others is part of that,

That's great because that is mine.

However,

I had to learn a balance in between doing it,

Looking for the affirmation and the external validation and doing it because I love doing it and I've got my cup full.

Number five is the one that I started off with is seek support and accountability.

Share your goals with a friend,

A therapist,

A coach can help you keep you accountable and also move through the parts of your people-pleasing that you just can't seem to get a grasp on or can't stop or won't stop or don't know why you do these patterns that keep you stuck in the cycle.

Join groups that are in the similar journey as you know that you're not alone.

This is,

I would say a hundred percent of the world has some sort of people-pleasing in them.

It's just a matter of where it is in their life,

Where it's showing up.

Breaking free from people-pleasing patterns is a process.

So be patient,

Be so compassionate with yourself.

Today I do so much internal self-talk.

It's okay,

Sweetie,

You're allowed to do this.

It's okay,

Honey,

That's all good.

You're allowed to set that boundary.

This is building your confidence.

There's a lot of inner work I do around that.

I'm going to do an insight timer all around the healing the inner child path.

That's a big part of breaking free from your people-pleasing patterns because they probably started when you were young.

Each step that you take and each know,

Each activity that you engage in that nourishes yourself reinforces your sense of self and your ability to live authentically as you are created to be.

So those five,

I wanted to share with you and hope that they will help you in some way break free from some of the people-pleasing patterns that you might have.

If you want more help in this area,

Please feel free to reach out.

No,

You're not alone,

And I would love to give you some more tips and maybe possibly help you heal from those patterns that are keeping you stuck.

I wish you nothing but the best,

And until next time.