Lesson 7 - Search For Meaning Over Money

Are you feeling lonely? This week I address Lonely-Based Money Emotions. I explain what it feels like when your search for money creates loneliness. I also give details about the actions and behaviors you experience as they relate to Lonely-Based Money Emotions. Listen to this lesson to gain insight on how to get to the root cause and to manage your money emotions. Last week we discussed Lust-Based Money Emotions, so if you missed it go back and listen. It's important that you take the time to address all the negative money-based emotions.

Also, be sure to use the accompanying Meditations, especially Meditation 7 which goes along with this lesson. The goal of this meditation is to clear away your Lonely-Based Money Emotions and to become more focused on your own personal connections. It won't happen overnight, you need to listen to the whole series so that it all syncs into your body and with your subconscious brain.

Come back daily.

Transcript

Welcome to those who are joining me just now.

I did a little bit of an explanation.

Those who are joining on the recording,

Thank you for being here as well.

Today we're gonna be talking about lonely based money emotions.

And let me just tell you that even though I put the word money in there,

Lonely based money emotions,

Lonely based emotions are the number one,

Number one category of emotions that I work with the most.

Why?

Because believe it or not,

From zero to five years old,

Most of us have an incident,

A situation,

A thing that our brain's coded as trauma that connects to loneliness.

Maybe your mother went back to work very early or after you were born.

Maybe your father and mother got a divorce.

Maybe your father worked a lot and you felt lonely because of that.

Maybe your parent was sick and couldn't care for you.

Maybe they were just distracted,

Right?

Maybe you're the baby of the family.

Everybody was older than you.

I remember working with a client like this and his youngest sibling was 10 years older than him.

So even though,

And they kind of grew up together and so they had their unit and he felt separate from them.

So that created loneliness.

There's so many ways that we have loneliness in our lives and then it perpetuates throughout our life.

It kind of repeats throughout our life.

But so that is rampant in daily life for many people.

And then when you add money into that,

Whether you have it or not,

It creates a sense of loneliness.

And I'm gonna break down the four most common money emotions.

Now there may be others and as I do this research,

I try to be open to what else is out there.

But over the 20 years of being in the financial and the mental health industries,

This is what I found.

It's the first one I want to discuss with you is the feeling of numb.

Maybe you felt it.

Maybe you have had so many emotions that you just go blank.

Like you can't feel anymore.

And part of the,

Some of this is physical and it is the way that the brain keeps you alive.

Because after a while,

The brain will completely like wanna go.

It will say,

I can't take it anymore.

Get me out of here.

I cannot feel this pain anymore.

And this is sometimes where suicide comes in.

So instead of allowing you to feel the pain,

The brain will numb you out.

Now what some people do is when they feel that numbness,

They look for outward stimulation.

And this happens a lot with my men.

So when you hear me talk about men's search for meaning over money,

It's because in my practice,

I typically work with a lot of men because of my focus is money and success.

That is a very male masculine direction.

And there are women who take that direction as well.

But my practice is typically about 60,

70% male at any given time and 30,

40% female.

But a lot of the females that I do end up working with have a very masculine way about them or they're very much in their masculine.

So they're dominated by their masculine energy rather than their feminine energy.

And so the numbness happens a lot for men rather than women.

It happens faster.

And when it does,

They tend to go to physical ways of fulfilling it that a lot of times could be sex or porn.

It could be alcohol or drugs,

Or it could just be thrill-seeking because you're so numb,

You feel nothing.

So you wanna go jump off of a building or plane or bungee jump or something that's going to give you a feeling.

But sometimes this is where cutting comes in for some people.

They might want to distract themselves from the other feelings.

They numb out and so they wanna feel something and so they start to self-harm.

That's why I said,

Even though these are money emotions,

They also come up in life period.

And the other ones we talked about,

If you haven't listened to those already,

Go back and listen to the fear-based money emotions,

The lack-based money emotions,

And the lust-based money emotions because these are sort of like precursors to the lonely-based money emotions.

The fear-based,

You might toggle through these pretty quickly and they won't be as heavy.

Yes,

They feel bad,

But the lonely ones are the heaviest and the hardest to overcome.

And that's why I see the most in my office is because people can overcome or they can live with their fear-based emotions or their lack-based emotions or even their lust-based emotions.

And lust-based emotions come with a bit of a reward.

So a lot of times people can live with those,

But lonely-based emotions are too heavy for you to lift on your own.

So this is when you typically end up going to a therapist,

Particularly a financial therapist,

Because you feel like,

Now that I have all this money,

I've had this greed,

I've been just,

I just want more and more and more and more and it's not helping anymore.

Like nothing is working.

And so that's the numbing that happens.

Even though you still feel greedy,

You still are accumulating,

But you're noticing that you're not getting that dopamine shot that you used to get from accumulating more material possessions or the next job title.

It didn't mean anything.

You got it,

But you feel nothing.

And so the next one would be disconnection,

Feeling disconnected and not sure where to go for a connection,

Where you don't know who would you connect with.

So let's give it,

Imagine,

Especially if you have become successful,

Right?

A lot of times I work with people who have survivor's remorse,

And if you have become successful and your crowd hasn't really changed and you're the person that everybody goes to,

Then who do you go to?

Who do you go to?

Who's your Kiné,

Right?

Who's your Jill?

Who's your Lynn?

Who do you go to?

You typically feel disconnected because you have nowhere to go.

I mean,

You're here,

So thank,

I'm so glad you're here,

We're together,

But outside of that,

You can't really identify.

And sometimes you feel like you try and go there,

Right?

But then you try and connect,

But the connection,

It just doesn't happen,

Right?

You're like,

It just fades,

It just doesn't happen.

And you try and you try and you try,

And then again,

You go back to that numbness because you've tried so hard.

So that's a disconnection.

And the next one,

Very close to the disconnection,

Or maybe caused by the disconnection,

Is misunderstood.

Feeling misunderstood or awkward or odd.

Now,

Let me tell you when this happens most.

When you are exceptional,

When you are like what they call like the top of the food chain,

Many of my athletes and public figures,

When you're an athlete and you are,

I'm talking about an elite athlete,

And you have,

You're bigger,

Stronger,

Faster,

Like focused,

More people,

Most people are not like that,

Nor do they want to be.

They don't wanna have that diet.

They don't wanna not be able to drink.

They don't want to have to go to sleep early.

They just want to do whatever they want to.

And so you're sort of odd and you stand out,

And you don't have to be an athlete to stand out.

You know,

If you were like,

Oh,

I'm the type of person that really likes to study my craft,

Or I'm the type of person that I just wanna eat healthy just because,

Right?

But nobody else around you does.

And so you feel like,

Sorry,

You feel like it gets in the way of you connecting with people and they misunderstand you.

They misunderstand you to believe that you need to like,

Or that you want this life when really you need it to be this way.

I'll give you a prime example.

Hold on,

I forgot to put my phone on do not disturb.

So I definitely,

I need to tell my daughter that I am in session.

I apologize,

Guys.

I should have done this,

But I did not.

So I will take this out of the recording,

But.

.

.

Okay,

I'll let her know.

So I gotta go back nine minutes in and take this part out.

But so you feel odd,

You feel disconnected.

You are different from most people.

You feel misunderstood because they just don't get you.

And if you,

They believe that you don't have a life,

If you,

They believe that you want to be this way,

But they don't understand that you need to be this way in order to get what you say you want.

You want a healthy body.

So you have to eat a certain way.

Maybe if you eat certain foods,

It brings you down.

It makes you feel bad.

So you have chosen not to.

And so,

Or drink.

I had one of my friends,

I was gonna say a perfect example was one of my friends recently stopped drinking alcohol.

And she's a pretty daily drinker.

And when she goes out with her friends,

She drinks every time and they drink like champagne and wine.

And so champagne and wine are very much like accepted.

Now,

If you were saying you drank vodka or tequila,

Then people would say,

Okay,

Yeah,

I get it.

Those are pretty,

It gives him those like hard liquor or whatever.

So people kind of understand a little bit better,

But champagne and wine,

Like,

Oh,

Nothing's wrong with that.

Champagne is so cool.

Wine is so cool,

Right?

Then she's like,

No,

It's not,

I'm going through menopause.

It's keeping me up at night.

I feel inflammation in my body.

It's just not working for me anymore.

And though I love it,

It's not right for me.

And,

But she's having some pushback from the group that she's around.

So it's like now she has to decide does she continue to hang out with this group or does she stand,

You know,

Cause she'll stand out.

She won't fit in.

And you may be going through something very similar.

And this,

When it comes to money,

When it equates to money,

This same misunderstanding has to go with the people you are around,

Right?

If you get a certain amount of money,

You get to a certain crowd,

But you don't have to change yourself because of money.

You don't have to start drinking champagne because of people you're around drink champagne.

This is,

This,

I actually am a prime example of this because I'm very different than a lot of the wealthy people I'm around.

And it is important for me to stay myself because if I don't stay myself,

I won't be able to serve in the manner in which I need to serve.

And so I have to be steadfast and strict and convicted about who I am and very confident in that,

No matter what,

With or without money.

And if I don't have money,

Then I should be able to say,

Hey,

That thing costs $100,

000.

I don't have $100,

000 to invest in that right now.

This is what I'm gonna do,

But if you want me to come along,

Then you make it possible for me to do that.

And if you don't have the $100,

000 to pay for me,

That's totally fine,

But I'm gonna see you when you get out of that yacht or whatever it is.

And just be okay with that.

Like there is no emotion in that.

Yes,

I stand out for saying that.

Like,

Hey guys,

That thing is way outside of my pay grade,

But you know that already.

You know you make 50 million and I don't.

So we can have that conversation.

Money is a conversation.

So yes,

I do stand out.

Yes,

It could be some misunderstanding there.

Oh wait,

I thought you had more money than that.

Yeah,

But my money goes to paying for my grandson to go to college and Montessori and wherever else I wanna send him,

But not to this boat ride.

Like no,

That's not where I'm putting my money.

So you also have to be clear on where your money goes and that's okay.

Yes,

You'll stand out.

No,

You might not be accepted,

But will you get the gold?

Aha,

That's what's most important.

Okay,

So numb,

Disconnected,

Misunderstood,

And then this last one is isolation.

Now,

Sometimes these are,

They lead to each other,

Right?

So the numbness leads to the disconnection,

Which then leads to,

I'm sorry,

The misunderstanding a lot of times leads to the disconnection.

The disconnection leads to the numbness,

But it can also happen the other way around.

And so these three happen and then because of that,

You isolate yourself.

You're like,

You know what,

I'm going through too much.

I know many people who respond in this way,

Like I don't wanna talk about it,

So I'm just gonna separate myself from others as if you can't talk about what is going well.

And so maybe your finances are down or maybe you're not making enough money,

But you're making something.

So sometimes people are making,

Let's just say,

I'm just throwing out a number.

It might be your number,

It might not be,

But let's just say you're making $4,

000 a month and wherever you live,

That is maybe just enough to live.

I live in the US,

Chicago,

Usually,

Las Vegas,

That's just barely enough money.

You're basically poor if you make $4,

000 a month in Chicago or Las Vegas.

If you make $4,

000 a month in New York or California,

You are,

Yeah,

Pretty much,

You're poor.

But I live in France too.

And in France,

4,

000 euros,

You're good because your bills are gonna be about 2,

000 and you have an additional 2,

000 to do whatever you want with.

So it really kind of depends on where you live,

But know that number.

And that number is going to determine whether or not you're going to feel prosperous.

So if $4,

000 in Chicago makes you feel poor,

Then you'll need to get yourself together and go to a new place rather than isolating yourself in your little apartment and not connecting with people because maybe you don't have enough money.

Sometimes you moved too fast.

Maybe 4,

000 is more than anybody you know makes.

Maybe everybody you know makes only $1,

000 or whatever,

I don't know the other denominations,

But I only work with dollars and euros mostly in my life.

But maybe people in your life make a quarter of what you make.

And maybe you moved way too fast and they couldn't keep up with you.

So that isolated you.

Maybe you have a mission,

But you really can't explain your mission to others because you're really not that clear on it either.

Aha,

And so you isolate yourself.

So you've got to get the clarity.

You've got to get the clarity on your mission.

When you get the clarity on your mission,

It's kind of your why,

Right?

Then you can articulate that to others.

Hey,

I have a budget.

I'm sending my grandson to private school.

So I have this much to spend on this trip that we're going to go on together or this restaurant outing or whatever it is because I'm on a mission or I'm starting a business or whatever your mission is,

Right?

So now that you can articulate that mission,

You feel comfortable putting yourself in places where you'll end up standing out.

And you might be misunderstood,

But the more convicted you are about your mission,

The more you can say,

Hey,

This is where I'm going.

This is what I'm doing.

You're welcome to be alongside of me as I do it,

But if it makes you too uncomfortable,

That's okay too.

I'm gonna go ahead and disconnect,

But consciously disconnect from you because I know there's some people out there who are also on a mission that I will attract into my life because I was able to let go of whatever attachment I had to who I wanted to connect to and be willing and open to connect to others who are going through the same things I'm going through so they no longer have to be numb and find outward external ways of stimulating myself because I will be inner stimulated by each little baby step along the way that gets me to my mission.

Does that make sense?

Good,

Because that's our lesson for today.

I now am going to stop this recording.

We're gonna head on over to the meditation.

If you're watching this,

If you're listening to this,

That's our lesson for today.

I hope you're giving me some hearts for this lesson and I hope that it was insightful for you,

Gave you some aha moments.

If it did and you want more,

You can hang out with me on Instagram,

But come on back here every day and play one of these search for meaning over money lessons and then the meditation that accompanies it.

You can turn this into your own little course if you go back and listen to all the lessons and all the meditations and it's a free course.

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I really do appreciate it and it helps me continue to do this work.

So thank you for being here recording and live.

Now let's go ahead and meditate.