Mindful Communication: Deep Listening & Speaking From Strength

Nurturing mindful communication includes connected presence, deep listening, and a collaborative, strong voice. This practice explores all three and progresses through important phases: mindfully exploring our own experience and needs, listening deeply to the other, sharing our perspective with strength, and working to collaboratively address the needs of both parties.

Transcript

So,

Sitting comfortably with a tall spine,

Fully arriving,

Closing your eyes,

Letting go of to-dos,

Lists,

Just becoming aware that you're sitting.

Telling your body to sink down and noticing sensations of contact with your seat in the chair and your feet on the floor.

Grounding down with gravity,

Noticing sensations of being supported.

Gathering a sense of stability,

Steadiness,

Unstillness.

At any time during this practice or in daily communication,

If you sense reactivity or a desire to control or fix,

Or sense feeling threatened in some way,

You can return to these grounding sensations in your seats and feet to become present once again.

And softening the eyes,

The jaw,

Allowing the shoulders to release,

Bringing a slight smile to the mouth,

Allowing this friendly expression to spread through the eyes,

Pausing here to notice any feelings this accepting,

Warm facial expression has generated.

So with your grounding,

Imagining a communication situation with which to practice.

This could be a coming time of communication or an imaginary scene based on a past experience.

Just choose a situation that does not carry strong emotional charge.

Understanding something that is more like a molehill than a mountain.

And now asking yourself,

As I come to this conversation with another person,

What is my intention?

Letting go of any agenda to have things a certain way and cultivating an intention to understand.

We begin by greeting our own feelings,

Experience,

And needs with warm understanding.

Imagining yourself in a soothing setting where you're safe,

Alert,

Grounded.

Next to you in this scene are two vessels.

Begin by noticing what thoughts are in the mind as you prepare for conversation.

Observing thought and putting its words or images into your vessel.

These are mental events that don't need to carry us away,

But that can be held with care.

Place a next thought in the vessel,

Letting it go into the safe place where it can be considered,

But not getting caught in the storyline or fighting or wrestling with it.

Becoming aware of what emotions are here,

Naming them with words as best you can.

Noticing the body sensations that go with emotion.

Where does that emotion manifest in the body?

The face,

Neck,

Shoulders,

Stomach,

Somewhere else.

Maintaining your warm facial expression.

Imagine holding your emotion in the vessel,

Being with it with full tender presence.

Acknowledging that it is okay to be feeling these emotions,

Letting what is here be just as it is.

Exploring these emotions as clues for what is really important to you in this conversation.

What are the needs and longings that you bring to this situation?

And now acknowledging the compassionate wisdom that each of us have a complicated,

Tricky brain that comes with propensities and conflicting motivations and desires.

Much of what we are is not of our choosing.

The genetics and life circumstances and even conditioning have played a role in what we manifest today.

We're all in the same boat of humanity with imperfections and vulnerabilities.

Life can be tough out there on each of us.

And this is true for the other with whom we wish to communicate.

Your consciousness or higher self is the place in you that is safe from difficult messages or emotions that may be communicated by another person towards you.

The place in you that holds with care what is in your vessel,

But does not become identified with it.

Acknowledging that the other with whom we wish to communicate has a consciousness and a higher self as well.

We are each dual.

A human with weakness and a higher self.

Refreshing again your friendly facial expression.

Picturing the other person in your mind's eye and welcoming them with a warm tone of voice.

Inviting them to share the contents of their mind with the intention to understand.

Symbolized by your holding out the other vessel to receive their perspective.

This is deep listening.

What might this person be thinking about the situation?

Allow that to rest in your vessel.

What might this person be feeling?

Going further to what is behind and beneath the words they express on the surface.

Contemplating what is important to them.

What do they value or need?

Each is placed safely in the vessel you hold.

Seeing from their perspective.

What would it be like to be behind their eyes?

It's not about agreeing with them,

But meeting them where they are.

Seeing deeply their humanity,

Even if you don't agree.

And picturing your highest compassionate self holding space for this person to unfold and be just as they are.

But you can stay and listen without judgment.

Using the insight that it takes less energy to listen than trying to fix the person,

Solve the problems,

Or be in resistance.

And that deep listening is healing for both sides.

Letting the other know you are listening by using phrases from time to time like,

It sounds like,

It seems like,

Let me see if I'm getting it,

Followed by a summary of how you understand what they've been sharing.

Holding on to presence.

Reaffirm to yourself by saying,

What's happening here is most important to me.

If the mind gets distracted or reactive,

Just noticing that and coming back to right here.

Grounding in sensations of contact points or imagining yourself taking a mindful pause.

Maintaining your friendly facial expression and warm,

Stable tone of voice.

Rather than the stories that we tell ourselves about the experience,

Saying to yourself,

I may disagree with you,

But I can keep my heart open to your humanity.

Trusting the wisdom that when the other person feels that we really understand them,

They are more willing to listen to us.

Opening your capacity further to hold the worldview of the other person.

Now in this third phase of mindful communication,

Speaking with strength about your perspective,

What you want the other person to understand.

Realizing the need to voice your emotions and longings is not more or less important than listening,

But it is just as important.

Clearly and articulately sharing the contents of your viewpoint and root goals.

Grounding is needed,

Remaining stable,

Even if the other person does not react with receptivity.

Taking some time here to imagine speaking with a firm awareness that your needs matter.

Now moving to the final phase of finding a way to move forward by considering the needs of both of us.

Finding a collaboration that says it's not just your needs that matter,

And it's not just my needs that matter,

But both matter equally.

Suggesting how about this?

What is going to be helpful?

How does this work for you?

What really matters right now?

Allowing this process to take all the time required.

Perhaps circling back to again explore your own thoughts,

Emotions,

And needs,

And those of the other person.

Understanding the intention to understand yourself,

Understand your counterpart,

And to collaborate.

The wisdom that intuitively pushing for what we want often makes it least likely that we'll get it.

And this twin wisdom that passively giving up what we need to satisfy another brings resentment and diminished respect.

What would it be like to approach this situation where all needs are considered equally?

Working toward the highest good.

Holding your needs and perspective with care while simultaneously holding those of the other person.

Willing to openly consider all possible ways forward to satisfy the root goals of both.

What would it be like to approach this situation holding your needs and perspective with care while simultaneously holding those of the other person?

Willing to openly consider all possible ways forward to satisfy the root goals of both.

Viewing the other as your partner whom you work with to solve this problem.

The situation is the enemy or the problem,

But the other person is not.

Underneath whatever is presenting on the surface,

They have the same needs and longings as you do.

We are each human united in common needs for autonomy,

Significance,

To be seen and understood.

Breathing into the breath,

Riding its waves in and out,

Seeing its rhythm as a metaphor for balanced communication.

In for me,

Out for you.

In for me,

Out for you.

And acknowledging your growing capacity to hold your emotions and needs in the vessel of awareness and to hold and understand the root goals and needs of another person.

Creating pleasant feelings of confidence,

Grounding,

And peace that may be present.

Letting go of the practice for now.

Opening your eyes when you feel ready.

Seeing the capacity it has generated into your day and your next conversation.

Reviews

Incredible - thank you 🧡

I needed to hear and contemplate what I heard you say. I have this contentious relationship with my manager. I find myself triggered into self-defense instead of fully listening. Your session leads me to knowing that I need to fully listen to my manager instead of immediately defending myself. Thanks!

I rarely leave comments. Bravo!
You are so eloquent, clear and complete in your message. Thank you, so useful!!!

Not quite a guided meditation... But excellent, excellent wise suggestions for communication. Thank you! 🙏🏼 💞 ✨