Keeping Your Cool (Simple Tools 3/5)

Simple Tools for Challenging Times

These 5 lessons were developed by Dr. Jan Russell & Keziah Gibbons as the world went into lockdown in the Spring of 2020. The intention was to apply the tools of psychologically informed environments to help to empower people as we went through this state of uncertainty.

Although designed specifically for lockdown, & recorded in a cupboard due to limited resources, the tools are good & can be applied to any situation to ease pressure and increase a sense of agency.

Transcript

Hello,

Welcome back for session three in this psychologically informed practice in quarantine course.

In this session,

We'll explore another way in which to understand our states at any one time and to exercise some choice over them.

As we've noted before,

When our world is suddenly thrown into chaos,

It's easy to feel a range of very strong emotions.

These are normal responses and a recognition of the shock,

Loss and disarray that we've been experiencing.

All of our emotions have a function.

Without them,

We're robots.

Some of you listening right now might have lost people.

All of us are experiencing some degree of loss and have our deep concerns and shifts going on.

It's important that we respect this.

At the same time,

When we're in isolation,

As time passes,

We want to do all that we can to survive well,

To care for ourselves and the others that we may be with in person or communicating with remotely.

A famous psychiatrist,

Eric Byrne,

Suggested that we spend every waking moment in one of three states.

He called these parent,

Adult and child,

Clearly named after real life stages.

He suggested that we learn the patterns that go with these states from the moment we're born,

From our family and other carers,

And then we reproduce them in different ways when we're grown up.

Let's begin with parent state.

Parent state has two sides,

Controlling parent and nurturing parent.

Controlling parent lays down boundaries and can say no in a way which is useful and make decisions on behalf of children who can't.

Here we learn our values,

Our rules,

Our prejudices.

However,

Controlling parent can also be critical and can put people down.

Nurturing parent,

On the other hand,

Is where we learn to love and care,

To motivate and to reward.

In excess,

Nurturing parent can be almost smothering,

The urge to protect our young,

Blocking the child from any opportunity to build resilience.

In adult state,

We're measured,

Respectful.

We know ourselves,

Are able to express ourselves and to listen carefully and empathically to others.

In adult state,

We have modified our learned prejudices and developed our own values.

I call this state being in my boots,

Feeling strongly earthed and rooted,

Almost without ego,

And being able to make recent decisions and choices,

Considering self and other in equal measure.

Child state brings a grand mix of options.

The free child,

The child within,

Is spontaneous,

Creative,

Curious,

And feels safe and free enough to take risks.

Children who are not well nurtured,

However,

Adapt,

They withdraw and can learn how to be manipulative in order to survive.

Children also learn to test out their world through a stage of rebellion,

Throwing tantrums when they're unable to get their way.

Who hasn't seen this in our own children or other people's children in the supermarket?

Burns suggests that we spend all day in one or other of these states,

Even when we're grown up,

Sometimes intentionally,

Sometimes because that's what we've always done.

We change state at the drop of a hat.

We are triggered by others and the state that they are in and by events.

While all states have a purpose and are neither right nor wrong,

Generally speaking,

And certainly in times of crisis,

We respond more effectively from an adult state,

Able to find calm,

Clarity,

And the ability to empathise with others.

We thrive when this is complemented with a bit of free child,

A bit of fun and free expression.

So let's look at what this means in practice and introduce one or two ways to step into your adult state so that you can respond in these times to your very best ability.

Step one of the process is to be able to recognise the state that you or others are in.

The simplest introduction for how to do this is to pay attention to the words that are being spoken and the tone that's used and any gestures that you might use or see in others.

So this is a whistle stop tour of the basics of this model,

And we're going to go in the order of parent,

Child,

Adult.

Here are the signs that we might display or look for in others in any given state.

Controlling parent.

Expressions such as I told you so.

Don't be stupid.

For goodness sake,

Stop that right now.

The tone of voice that we hear is scathing.

It puts the other person down.

It's authoritarian in nature.

We might even see a wagging finger.

We sometimes experience the state intervention to which we're subject as coming from controlling parent,

And this can be challenging.

Nurturing parent.

Oh,

Never mind.

There,

There,

Don't cry.

I'll make it better for you.

We hear a soothing tone.

The urge is to touch and caress each other,

Which is not advisable right now,

And that itself can be challenging.

We want to support each other,

And this is useful when someone else is needy or depleted.

However,

There is a fine line about taking on all of the nurturing.

There's taking on too much or take power from others and deplete ourselves.

The balance can become an equal.

Free child.

This is the playful,

The fun,

The ridiculous.

We know free child when we absolutely give it up to laughter or tears,

The two ends of the continuum.

It's what we do with our friends getting the giggles.

It's the honesty of crying when we need to without apology.

It's the delight of being in love,

Skipping along the road,

Being in sync with each other.

It's great for our energy and for letting go.

When we can find some of this in dark times,

It really is a bonus.

Adaptive child.

In grown ups,

This is where we see them sulking,

Showing us with their body that they're upset,

Maybe folding their arms,

Refusing to talk.

The tone can be whining or whinging or that of a martyr who says one thing yet means another.

Yes,

It's OK.

You don't need to worry about me.

Not great to be on the other end of.

Rebellious child.

Rebellious child state is angry,

Doesn't want to do what they're told or advised.

Rebellious child state is not easy for communal living.

And we've seen some of this,

I would suggest,

Shown in the behaviour of those who will not isolate or who continue to deny the reality of the pandemic and the instructions of their governments.

Little professor.

He's a nice little gem.

Little professor refers to the instinctive ability of the free child to intuit.

Small children see so much for what it is without the filters of should,

Ought and must.

And they can sense what's going on around them.

Atmospheres and states of people.

Using our intuition will serve us really well in times of difficulty.

And let's remember that.

And then adult.

Adult state is generally displayed in a calm physiology,

Measured tone of voice.

Neither aggressive or passive,

More assertive.

There is a great sense of balance to the physiology and congruence and body and voice are aligned at steady yet firm pace.

One person's state can trigger another.

For example,

If someone uses a tone of voice that is controlling parent,

If they're superior or patronising to me,

I might almost automatically go into rebellious child.

Right,

I'll show you.

Type response.

Or if someone is being adaptive child around me,

Sulking and whinging.

Or if someone is being adaptive child around me,

Sulking and whinging.

I might go into nurturing parent or critical parent.

Either,

Oh,

Poor you.

Let me do it for you.

Or for goodness sake,

Pull yourself together.

You see how this might work.

States work best when they're complementary.

In other words,

Let's speak to each other from the same state.

There are more options here,

But the detail is too lengthy for this particular course.

And we'll be developing this in a longer course coming later this year.

For now,

The key thing is to know how you can make choices of which states to be in.

And this is the second step that we wanted to give you today.

So your task to build best resilience is first to be able to recognise the different states in yourself and in others.

And the second to know how to step out of the game and move into adult.

This will serve you well as a preferred position right now.

This is a time when you want access to reasoned decision making and reasonable actions.

Then at least you have some options.

My invitation now is for you to rehearse how the adult state feels through doing a small exercise.

Find a space to be in where you're able to step one step forwards or sideways or wherever.

If you're unable to move,

I suggest that you follow through these steps in your mind,

Adapting to your particular abilities and limitations.

I'd like you to imagine that you have a hula hoop available to you.

Notice its colour and texture.

Place it down in front of you on the floor.

Step forwards into this hula hoop.

Bring to mind a time,

Recent or not,

Where you felt absolutely in your boots.

Clear and considered.

Able to take responsibility when necessary.

Able to express your needs.

Able to listen to others.

Take a little time to recreate that adult state right now with both body and mind.

Notice how you're breathing and where you are breathing from.

Upper chest or lower abdomen or somewhere in between.

Notice your posture,

Your balance.

And notice how you see when you look out from your body into the world.

Be aware of any sounds,

Anything that you might be saying to yourself in your head.

Now step out of your hula hoop and give yourself a little shake.

And repeat the exercise.

Step forwards into the hoop.

Create the sensations of your adult physical being.

Breathing.

Posture.

Sound and sight.

Intensifying them until you feel fully functioning in a reasoned and calm manner.

And then step out.

Have a little shake.

A little more quickly now.

Step back into the hoop.

Create that adult state that you want.

And really experience it as powerful for you.

What you feel.

How you're breathing.

How you're seeing.

Anything you're saying to yourself.

Your balance.

And when you're ready,

Step out.

Finally,

One more time,

Step into the hoop as if you're automatically stepping into the state.

Enjoy it for as long as you want to.

And then move out.

Now find a way to metaphorically pick up that hula hoop and save it somewhere within your reach.

So that at any time you want to,

You're able to throw it down and step into your adult state.

And you may be surprised as to how and when this might happen.

We're all different and you may or may not have found the hoop easy or useful to do.

Perhaps the most important thing here is to know and rehearse your adult state.

Rehearse it,

Rehearse it,

Rehearse it.

If you don't want to use the hoop,

Find another way.

Some people have a little internal voice that sets the ball rolling.

For me,

It might be,

Come on Jan.

Some people have a visual which reminds them how to be an adult.

It really doesn't matter which it is,

As long as it works for you.

I worked recently with a client who's in confined quarters,

Who kept on finding herself in a state of jealousy and suspicion,

And either sulking or being aggressive.

This was child state,

Either adaptive or rebellious.

When we went through this exercise,

She physically moved herself each time she rehearsed her adult state and discovered that she'd created herself a small rock to stand on.

She reported that whenever she noticed the first signs of jealousy or suspicion,

She simply took a step in her head and she was on her rock.

This gave her time to choose to go into adult rather than getting sucked into unhelpful patterns.

So two steps here to summarise.

One,

Begin to recognise the state that your others are in.

Two,

Rehearse your adult state so that you can protect yourself from triggered unhelpful responses.

And also notice when your temptation has been to move to an unhelpful state.

I hope this makes good sense for you.

It's a simple yet powerful model,

Parent adult child.

And when you recognise and can influence your behaviour,

It will help you to keep your cool.

Thank you for your engagement.

Join Kazaia for the next session in this programme,

Which will develop the theme of how we relate to others.

Reviews

In my boots! Love that phrase. Thank you, Jan and Keziah 🤍🤍🤍