The Gift Of Asking

In today's session with Kemi Nekvapil, you will learn how asking for help is a powerful way to reduce stress. That might sound obvious, but the reality is so many of us find it difficult to ask for help. Why? Because in our modern world, success seems to be the illusion that we can do everything alone. But trying to do everything alone, has a huge impact on our stress levels and our connection to others.

Transcript

Welcome to day five of Insight Timers Strategies for Stress Challenge.

Let's take a moment to get settled.

Close your eyes,

Take a deep breath in and exhale out.

Let's dive into today's strategy for stress.

Hello and welcome to Insight Timers Strategies for Stress Challenge.

My name is Kemi Nekvapil and today I want to share with you the gift of asking when it comes to managing our stress levels.

Now,

Make sure that you have a journal or a notebook with you because I'm going to take you through a very practical process and you're going to want to write things down.

Why do so many of us find it difficult to ask for help?

Now,

If I asked you,

Would you help the people that you care about or a stranger in need if you could?

The chances are that if you have the resources,

Your answer would be a yes.

But what if it was the other way around?

Are you someone that asks for help when you need support in your life?

I ask this question to many audiences and what I find is that everyone puts their hand up to the first question.

Yes,

They would definitely help someone that they loved or someone in need if they had the emotional,

Time,

Financial resources to do so.

But when I then ask people to raise their hand if they're good at asking for help for themselves,

Hardly anyone raises their hand.

In fact,

I can tell you that maybe in a room of 500 people,

Maybe five people will raise their hand.

And why is this?

Because we now live in a social construct that we are meant to do life on our own,

That we have to have it together all the time and that to ask for support or to ask for help is weak.

And yet,

As human beings,

We came from tribes.

No one did anything on their own.

And in our modern world,

Success seems to be the illusion that we can do everything alone.

But trying to do everything alone,

Pretending in some ways that we are not actually human,

Has huge impacts on our stress levels and our connection to others.

So what are some of the reasons that we don't ask for help?

Sometimes it's because we don't want to look greedy or we're scared.

We're afraid of getting a no.

Sometimes it's because we're afraid of getting a yes.

We're afraid to look stupid.

We're scared of being rejected.

We don't want to be arrogant.

We don't want to be a burden.

It makes us feel like we are asking for more than we're allowed to ask for.

And especially for those of us that identify as women,

The idea is that we're there to help others,

But when we ask for help for ourselves,

It is selfish and it is greedy.

So they are some of the reasons that we don't ask for help.

And you may have your own reasons why you do not ask for help and support in your life.

But if they're the reasons why we don't ask for help,

Let's have a look at some of the consequences and impacts when we try and do life on our own.

We feel resentful.

We are constantly disappointed.

We are angry.

We blame others.

We withdraw from others.

We shut down.

We nag.

We punish.

We suffer or we cause others to suffer.

We hope instead of actually doing.

We tolerate.

We have feelings of failure,

Feelings of jealousy.

We judge others.

We gossip about others.

And we feel like a victim.

Now some of these examples will resonate strongly with you and some of the others not so much.

But I can tell you that every single one of these I have done at some point in my life when I have felt that I have to manage life on my own,

What tends to happen is that I then feel frustrated,

Disconnected,

Isolated,

Angry about other people and why they are not helping me.

And I've forgotten that I haven't asked them to help me.

I have expected that they would.

None of these feelings are regenerative or energy-giving.

They all contribute to our sense of being alone,

Which causes us deep stress and overwhelm.

Because if we feel that we can't ask for support and help from people in our lives,

It makes everything really difficult.

And we need to let go of this idea that somehow asking for help and support is weak when actually asking for support and help is courageous and brave.

And the beautiful thing when we practice asking,

And that's what I find for myself that I've had to learn how to practice to ask for help and support,

Is that when we do,

We actually deepen our relationships.

If you're listening to this and you ask someone that you're the person that people come to in their lives when they need help,

When they're struggling,

It may be that you're the person that finds it really hard to ask for help and support from those people in their lives,

In your life.

And what we then do is that we create relationships that aren't actually equal,

And that creates stress.

It creates stress for us because we feel that we can't reach out,

And it creates stress for the other person because they feel that you're always helping and supporting them,

And yet they have nothing to bring to the relationship.

In my experience,

Asking actually creates deeper and meaningful relationships because you're both able to say,

I am a human being.

I do not have it together all the time.

I need you to show up for me in the same way that I can show up for you.

So let me take you through a process,

A process that you can call upon whenever you feel overwhelmed and stress creeping in,

And maybe even before overwhelm and stress are creeping in,

Because this process is triggered by any of the emotions that I just mentioned to you that take away our energy and cause more stress in our lives.

And that is the emotion of disappointment,

Of anger,

Of blaming,

Withdrawing from others to keep safe,

Shutting down to keep safe,

Testing others to see if they will show up for us without actually asking them to show up for us,

Punishing people when they don't do that.

I could put my hand up that I used to be a very good punisher in the past,

Hoping people will help us instead of actually doing the asking,

Tolerating situations and people and relationships instead of asking for things to change and be different,

Feeling like we failed because we can't do it on our own,

Feeling jealous of other people because they have or are able to do what we can't do,

Judging others that have what we need or want without asking for what we need and want,

Gossiping about those people and feeling like a victim that we can't change our circumstances.

Any of these emotions are absolute indicators that this process is going to be helpful for you.

So this is the time to make sure that you have your journal and or a notebook so you can jot down your answer to these questions.

So my first question to you is what,

In what area of your life are you currently feeling frustrated,

Overwhelmed,

Resentful or angry?

I'll ask again.

In what area of your life are you currently feeling resentful,

Frustrated,

Overwhelmed or angry?

We can add exhausted there as well.

This could be in the area of family,

Relationships,

Work,

Well-being,

Whatever it is for you,

Whatever came up.

Here's the second question.

Who,

Who in your life could make a difference in that area?

Who in your life could make a difference in that area?

That you could feel less overwhelmed,

Stress,

Frustration and anger.

Now I do need to say that the first person that came to mind may not be the person that you want it to be.

An indication of that is that maybe you've asked this person before and you didn't get what you needed or wanted so you're afraid to ask again.

That could be feedback in terms of you asked them at the wrong time.

It could also be feedback they're not the right person to ask.

And it could also be feedback that if you've asked them numerous times and they haven't given you what you've wanted or needed,

That there may be a deeper conversation that you need to have with yourself or with them.

But who is the person that came to mind who could lessen the feelings of stress and overwhelm?

The next question is what.

What do you want to ask them for?

And what would you be asking for in maybe a sentence?

So it's not so long that it kind of confuses you of what you're asking for and it's not so long that it confuses them.

So an example,

If you're a parent and you need someone to take care of your children,

That it's a very clean and clear ask.

Could you look after the two children on this day for this period of time?

If it's a work situation that's causing you overwhelm or stress,

Could I practice a four-day week for the next month and we re-look at it in a month's time?

If it's a relationship,

Could I ask that you decide where we go out the next time that we meet?

Because that would be really nice for me that you choose and put the effort in,

For example.

So making sure that your ask is very clean and very clear because it allows the other person to know what they're saying yes or no to.

The next question is why.

Why are you not asking this person for what you need and want in your life?

And it could be the list that I first mentioned that I'll read again to give you a little bit of something to work with.

It could be that you don't want to look greedy.

It could be that you're too scared,

That you're afraid of getting a no,

That you're afraid of getting a yes,

You're afraid of looking stupid,

That you're scared of being rejected,

That you don't want to appear arrogant or that you don't want to feel a burden or that you will feel guilty.

So why are you not asking this person?

The next question,

What is the impact on you for not asking for what you need and what you want?

It may be more stress,

It may be overwhelm,

It may be anger,

It may be that you're disconnecting from them or withdrawing from them,

Or it may be you're not getting the promotional opportunities that you want because you haven't asked for them.

You know,

What is the impact?

It may be that you're not enjoying your work as much or you're not enjoying your relationship or you're not feeling as connected.

What is the impact on you for not asking for what it is that you need and what you want?

The next question,

Remember I'm a coach,

So we're always going to lead to action or the possibility of action.

The next action is will you ask?

Now that you know what area of your life you're feeling high levels of stress and overwhelm,

You know who you could ask to lessen that stress and overwhelm,

You know what you could ask them,

You know why you're not asking them,

You're clear on the impact of you not asking them.

The next question is will you ask them?

It's a yes or a no.

And then finally,

Making sure that this has some sort of time-bound aspect,

Is when will you ask them?

And to be very clear for yourself,

So is it I will ask in the next meeting about doing,

About practicing or trialing a four-day week,

And the next meeting is Wednesday at three,

I will ask by four p.

M.

On Wednesday about trialing a four-day week for a month.

It could be I will ask my friend if they could babysit my child or my children by the end of today.

I will ask my partner if they could instigate a date night,

And I will ask them at the weekend when we're walking the dog together.

So make sure it's clear and that it's time-bound.

Now you have a process that you can use for the rest of your life whenever you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed because the question is what do I need to ask for and to whom do I need to ask?

Now I want to give a caveat.

It is okay to know what you need to ask for and not be ready to ask yet.

Sometimes that's called self-compassion,

That we know what we need to ask for and for whatever reason we are not ready.

Sometimes awareness is enough to shift you and your stress levels.

So I ask you to be kind to yourself always.

So on reflection,

Tell me how have you found this process?

How have you found the asking process?

How has it been useful for you?

What clarity has it given you or what action has it given you?

What will you ask for?

What was the outcome of your ask?

Or what are you afraid to ask and why?

I would absolutely love to see your answers to these questions in the discussion platform.

My final words for you.

We are not meant to do life alone.

Ask,

Ask,

Ask.

You are worthy enough to ask.

As always,

It has been a delight to spend time with you.

My name is Kemi Knepfor-Peel and I look forward to connecting with you soon.

Reviews

Exactly what I needed to hear, thank you

Fantastic, brilliant and clear. I found the process very engaging and real . Thank you!

Amazing 🙏🏼

A great session on a topic of great need. Always so clear and thoughtful in your delivery Kemi. I love how simple and yet profound you make it.
Thank you 🙏🏼

One of the most helpful practices I have found on insight timer and so important to teach to folks because we aren’t trained to ask, and some of us were severely punished for asking. Thank you.

Always an amazing practice.

Very helpful in a practical way and with a compassionate understanding. Amazing, thank you so much 🙏🏼