Step Into Your Power & Live Without Apology

Kemi Nekvapil leads an inspiring talk on what it means to step into your power and live without apology. In this session, you will consider the following questions: What is stopping you from showing up in the world as the person you want to be? What parts of your story do you need to own without apology? In what rooms or with what people do you question your equality? What one action can you take today that will allow you step into and build your own power? One action and one shift at a time.

Transcript

Hello,

My name is Kemi Neckfepil and it is a pleasure to spend time with you today.

It is my honour to let you know that I am in Melbourne,

Australia on the land of the Rwanduri peoples.

I pay my respects to their elders past,

Present and emerging,

And I am deeply humbled by the oldest surviving continuous culture on this planet.

So before we dive into today's session,

I want to share with you what my role is as a coach,

Because there are many different ways in which coaches support others.

And the way that I do it is not by giving advice,

Not by giving top tips.

I support others by creating a safe space for the people that I work with and for you listening today to work out for themselves what is stopping them from showing up in the world as they want to,

As full expressions of themselves.

And I do this by telling stories and by asking questions.

So my promise to you in this time that we spend together is that if you are willing to explore your inner answers,

You will create for yourself an action or some actions that will move you forward.

So I invite you to grab your journal or pen and paper so that we can build some power together.

And that leads me directly into the topic of today's session.

Power,

A woman's guide to living and leading without apology.

So when I say that word,

Most people have a particular reaction.

So I want to give you the Oxford Dictionary definition of the word power.

Power,

The ability to do something or act in a particular way.

I'm going to say that again.

Power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way,

Which means that we all have power.

And yet,

Power that is created by a system based on a person's gender,

Privilege or granted status makes us believe that power only belongs to a certain few.

And those certain few will generally invite people to the table who look like them and have the same upbringing as they do.

And then there is the rest of us.

Women,

Women of colour,

Non-binary people,

Trans women,

Disabled women,

Neurodivergent women,

We have been told over and over again that we are powerless in many different ways on many different days.

And when we internalise these myths,

We are at risk of being complicit in an oppressive power system by keeping ourselves exactly where we are told that we belong by being good and being small and being compliant.

Let me share with you a little bit about my story and why power is a subject that is igniting me right now and is also bringing me incredible hope.

So I am a black woman and I was born in the 1970s in England.

And at that time,

I was one of tens of thousands of Nigerian children of middle class parents who were fostered to white parents in England.

And the idea was that,

As many parents do,

My parents wanted to give me the best educational opportunities that they felt they could give me,

Which is the same for many parents.

And the idea is that me and my siblings and all of us middle class Nigerian children would return back to Nigeria and become its lawyers and its doctors.

Now,

We can't ignore that there was a particular narrative that underpinned all of that,

The narrative of colonisation.

And very clearly,

My parents made the best decisions for their children at that time.

But what that meant for me,

Living with five different sets of foster parents from a very young baby until the age of 13,

Meant that I felt powerless in many different ways on many different days.

I knew that as a young black girl,

I had to be good,

Not just a good girl,

But a good black girl.

And that meant that I spent a lot of time trying to apologise for the way that I looked and making sure that I was never deemed to be more,

You know,

Too much,

That I stayed in my place,

That I never rocked the boat.

And I basically navigated the world as an apology,

Wanting to hide,

Although always being generally the only black person in that space,

Being very visible,

Which is a very,

Very hard line to walk when you want to hide,

When you're told that you are small and you're not worthy,

While at the same time being highly visible.

Now the topic of today's session is around living without apology.

So I want to share with you ways that I lived as an apology during this time.

I learned to make myself small by not sharing my opinions for fear of not being liked,

Because we are led to believe that being liked as women is our most important value.

I learned to pretend that I didn't have needs and wants because I didn't want to be told that I was needy or difficult.

I learned how to be a good girl,

To only do what was expected of me and to toe the line.

I learned to apologize when speaking,

Diminishing the power of my words by smiling or giggling to soften my meaning or my voice or by actually apologizing before I spoke.

I'm sorry to say this,

But.

I learned how to deny my leadership capabilities because my mind was fraught with the possibility of judgment and failure.

And I learned how to live as an apology as a black woman navigating predominantly white spaces.

This is my version of what it looked like to live as an apology.

I wonder what your version looked or looks like.

In contrast,

What does living and leading without apology look like?

It means that we take up space without apology.

It means that we communicate our needs because we are worthy of having our needs met.

It means we operate in the world as full expressions of ourselves,

Creating our own unique paths.

It means we have our own opinions and voices without diminishment and without apology.

It means that if we want leadership,

We can step into leadership knowing that judgment and failure are part of the deal.

It means that if we are called to leadership,

We don't assume that we are not good enough.

We understand that we will learn along the way.

And it means that we stand proud in our racial identity and ethnicity and support others to do the same.

It means that we stand proud in however we identify without apology and we support others to do the same.

My experience growing up meant that I always felt powerless.

And over the decades,

I have built my power in many ways on many different days.

And I want to share my principles for navigating the world in my own power,

In my own leadership without apology.

And as I read these to you,

I invite you to listen from a place that will honor where you are in your life and in your leadership right now.

As I go through each principle,

I invite you to be curious with what comes to mind for you.

Curiosity opens doors to insights and transformation.

And in my experience as a human and as a coach,

Judgment closes doors.

So I invite you to step into curiosities.

I share the principles with you.

And as you,

You know,

Explore for yourself what comes to mind.

There are no right answers.

It is about honoring where you are right now.

So my way of navigating the world,

I would say for the last 20 years or so,

Have been based around a power acronym.

And the power acronym is five principles that will guide all of us as we step into,

Build,

Honor and maintain our power.

Now,

I have to be honest with you.

I do not believe that power is something that we have one day and it will stay with us for the rest of our lives.

I know that we lose our power all the time.

Sometimes we give it away because as women we're incredibly smart and we know the way to be safe is to give away our power.

Sometimes our power is taken from us.

And yet I know that these principles are a very powerful tool to rebuild our power every day in many different ways.

P is for presence.

O is for ownership.

W is for wisdom.

E is for equality.

And R is for responsibility.

So let me break down those power principles for you to give you a little bit more context and so that you can get exactly what you need in this time that we're spending together today.

Presence.

Presence is to be aware in the moment.

To acknowledge what is at play internally and externally.

What is working in your life?

What is not working in your life?

Our presence or lack thereof dictates our ability to connect with ourselves and therefore our ability to authentically connect with others.

How can you be more present to yourself and to those around you?

O is for ownership.

Ownership is the ability to integrate all parts of ourselves as we explore our stories.

Those we have lived,

Those we are told,

Those we have created and those we have witnessed.

We need to take full ownership of who we have been,

Who we are and whom we are becoming.

I never used to take full ownership of my story of being a foster child.

I always felt that it was something that made me feel less than,

That made me feel othered by other people,

Something that always incited pity and sympathy,

Which I did not want.

I now know that being a foster child,

Being outside of a family and looking in to see how I could fit in and to see how I belonged is such a huge part in how I operate as a coach.

How I am able to be an objective observer and how I can see what is being said and what is not being said.

Taking ownership of that part of my story allows me to do my work powerfully.

What do you need to own about yourself?

What do you need to take full ownership of in regard to your story without apology?

W is for wisdom.

We all have an inner wisdom that has the power to direct us through our lives.

And yet too often we give that power away and we outsource our wisdom.

But if we learn to trust ourselves,

Our innate wisdom will lead and guide us in our life and in our leadership.

We have lived in a time where so many of us have been looking for the guru outside of ourselves.

That we have wanted somebody else to tell us how to live,

That somebody else's impression of our lives is the path that we should follow.

Now I'm not saying that we should not look for support,

That we should not look for mentorship,

That we don't turn to the helping and healing professions to heal our wounds,

To give us guidance 100%.

Obviously that is the work that I do as a coach.

But what I am inviting us all to do is to take what we learn,

To take what we are given,

To take all of the different ways that we are advised to lead and live our lives.

But then to put it through our own filter of our internal wisdom so we can honour ourselves and take the next steps that really resonate and speak true to us as individuals.

So my question to you in regards to wisdom is what inner wisdom do you need to follow?

You may be in a crossroads at your life right now and you're not quite sure what is the next best step for you.

I invite you to tap into your inner wisdom,

To tap into your inner guru and trust the guidance that comes,

Even if it's scary,

To trust that guidance.

E is for equality.

I know that if you are listening to this,

You are very,

Very aware of the global inequalities and we all have a role to play in contributing and elevating the equality in other people and in seeking equality for those who have less than we do.

But we also have a role to play in owning the equality that sits within each of us without exceptions.

I,

As a black woman navigating mainly white spaces for all of my life,

I have walked into rooms and I have been with people where I have questioned my equality on many days in many different ways.

But I now know where I am through my 30 years of personal development work,

Through my work as a coach,

By being a woman in midlife that I proudly own,

That I am equal to everyone that I stand next to.

And that is a way of owning my power without apology.

It doesn't mean that we don't have different material resources to other people in the world or other people on our street or other people within our communities.

But our external resources have nothing to do with our humanity and the equality that sits within each of us.

And then there is responsibility,

Which is the final power principle.

And I'll be honest,

It is my favourite power principle.

Because once we take full responsibility for our lives,

That is when we really can take full ownership of our power in our lives and in our leadership.

The opposite for taking responsibility is blaming other people,

Blaming external circumstances.

Now,

I'm not talking about the oppressive systems and structures that we know are at play all the time.

They are real.

They are true.

They render us powerless in many ways.

But what I am saying is that when we can really,

Really look at those structures and see what they are and why and how they have been created,

We can then take our responsibility in a way that can look those oppressive structures in the eye and still step into our power.

Does racism exist?

100 percent.

Does homophobia exist?

100 percent.

So does transphobia and ableism and,

You know,

This idea that our brains all work the same.

None of those structures are true in the fact that as humans we get to navigate the world in our full,

Whole humanness.

The structures are real,

But so is our power,

Our internal power.

And so my question to you is,

Where can you take full responsibility in your life?

And this very much as well goes to our healing for any of us that have experienced any form of trauma.

It is rare that the perpetrators are going to apologise or set us up for the healing or heal our wounds.

But we can take responsibility for getting the support that we need.

There is power in asking for the support that we need.

So let me ask you those questions again.

How can you be more present in your life?

What parts of your story do you need to own without apology?

Where do you need to tap into and honour your wisdom?

In what rooms or with what people do you question your equality?

And where in your life do you need to take full responsibility?

Power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way.

What one action can you take today aligned with the answers to those questions that will allow you to step into,

Build and own your power?

One action,

One shift at a time.

It has been a delight to share this time with you today.

My name is Kemi Neckfer-Pill.

Power to you.

Power to us all.

Without apology.

Reviews

The definition of power stopped me in my tracks. So simple, so clear and yet one of the heaviest, most infused words in our language. It is reserved for others, revered. But at its core, in its definition, it belongs to each and every one of us. It's meaning has been perverted and skewed to convince us it is not ours. Unattainable. Selective. But power comes in many forms and takes on many different shapes. It is what you make it and what you need it to be. Power is not something to find but instead something to rediscover. It lives in each one of us.

Kemi is a fierce and loving guide. One of the most impactful recordings I’ve listened to on Insight Timer.

This is incredibly motivating and inspiring. Thank you! 🙏🏿

I listened to this while I was driving home at 2 a.m. after a complex day of building my empire and reflecting on how far I have come. Your words have resonated in ways that I needed at this precise moment💫 Thank you🙏🏾

100% empowering! I feel so uplifted. Amazing realistic explanations and guidance for next steps to own your power. Thank you! Nga mihi maioha thank you with appreciation from Aotearoa NZ ⭐💙

Outstanding and so empowering! Helps me kick the habit of apologizing POWER Beautifully explained! Thank you!

Great talk. Gave me some things to think about as I work through owning my power.

Simply wonderful.
I could listen to you all day. Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏

That was absolutely incredible, thank you so much for sharing. I’ll definitely be giving another listen!

Omg this was such a great speaking I have to listen to it again and take more notes you are truly a gift and wonder I thank you

Excellent.
On point from socio-historical and cultural analysis. Simply Excellent healing dialogue.
Thank you

Powerful message that resonates with me. Thank you!

I had bookmarked this many months ago, waiting for the right time to listen. That time was now, and was right on time. At a crossroads in life and needed to hear this so badly! Thank you Kemi for sharing your story and your wisdom, I felt your support🙏🏽☮️❤️

Perfectly timed for what I’m going through. Thank you for sharing

Thank you, this was so helpful & probably the deciding factor in me subscribing to the full app ✨️🙏🏼

Brilliant, I will be listening again and taking intentional action towards empowering myself. With gratitude 🙏

Powerful and beautiful - I am deeply moved by this guidance

Brilliant, very powerful and inspiring. Thank you .

One of the most powerful guided meditations that I have ever heard. Made me cry, as well as the goal setting meditation some weeks ago. I absolutely need more meditations from you ♥️ Thank you

Thank you for your generosity and wisdom and power.