To Thine Own Self Be True: Radiance Sutras Verse 74

During this session, we discuss Verse 74 of the Yukti Verses from the 'Radiance Sutras', a translation of the Vijanana Bhairava Tantra by Lorin Loche. A meditation follows our discussion.

These sessions are recorded on a weekly basis and all are welcome.

Transcript

So today we are reading from the Radiant Sutras,

Which is a beautiful book by Lauren Roche.

This is an adaptation slash translation of the Vijnana Bhairava Tantra.

Vijnana has many,

Many meanings,

Just like all words in Sanskrit,

But essentially it means wisdom.

And if you were to imagine the difference between wisdom and knowledge.

Knowledge is things that we gather from the world around us,

Like learning how to drive a car,

Or what's the capital of Portugal,

Or things like that.

Wisdom is something else.

Wisdom is something that comes from life experience.

It's often something that you can't even share it,

Like you can't learn it from someone else.

You can hang out with someone who's very wise,

And all they can do is sort of maybe point you in a different direction,

So that you can have an experience and develop wisdom from your core being.

Sometimes wisdom comes out of beautiful experiences,

And sometimes it comes from the difficult times when all the nonsense is cleared away,

And we return to what,

Who we truly are,

Vijnana.

And then Bhairava.

Bhairava,

Again,

Has so many meanings,

But one of the meanings,

Or one of the things we can imagine it,

It's like the energy of life.

It's the creator,

But it's more than that.

It's what is.

They often say that the word Bhairava means terrifying,

But not terrifying like a scary horror movie,

But when you really think of what life is and how it's edgy,

And it's real,

And it's alive,

Bhairava isn't sitting down and watching Wheel of Fortune every night.

Nothing wrong with Wheel of Fortune,

But that's not harnessing Bhairava.

Harnessing Bhairava is living at your growth edge,

Trying that thing that your soul wants to do,

Having that challenging conversation.

You have to dig deep inside and be honest,

And actually share who you are.

That's the energy of Bhairava.

That's the energy of being alive,

And it's one of the great challenges in our modern world that we believe that comfort is the ultimate goal,

But there's seldom any energy in comfort,

And I'm not talking about resting after a long day's work or play or joy.

Resting is awesome.

I'm talking about the long-term goal of comfort,

Which could mean not contributing to society any longer.

It could mean playing the easy game and not having the hard conversations,

Hiding ourselves from our loved ones for fear of conflict,

Things like that.

Harnessing Bhairava is like,

I am here.

I am manifest.

I exist.

I am alive.

I'm going to live.

This is Bhairava,

And sometimes that is full of terror or full of excitement or full of life.

In Tantra,

Essentially,

As much as we can interpret it as meaning weaving and loom and all these things,

In this instance,

It means book.

Again,

This Sanskrit is hilarious because it has so many meanings,

But all of these books behind here that have all these different so-and-so Tantra and this Tantra,

In many ways it means book or teaching.

So the Vijnana Bhairava Tantra means the wisdom of what life truly is,

The teaching of that.

And so,

Lauren created this beautiful book,

And he interpreted each sutra in it in a way that our modern mind can harness and then go somewhere with.

And that's the goal.

There are 112 sutras,

And today we're reading number 74.

And you can jump in anywhere.

You don't have to start at the beginning.

You can jump in anywhere.

And many of the recordings,

Many of the previous ones are all up here on Insight Timer.

So if you're new to this or you would love to listen to more,

There's lots more here already up until this point.

So in today's class,

I'm going to read the sutra,

Then we're going to have a discussion about it,

About the teachings of Tantra in this way.

And then we're going to do a meditation.

And at that time,

I'll read it in Sanskrit.

All right,

Are we ready?

So even if you have the book,

Let's close our eyes and let's breathe deeply,

Expanding the belly as we inhale,

Contracting as we exhale.

Radiant One,

Inquire,

Before desire arises in me,

Who am I?

Before I know anything,

Who am I?

Take always the intimate joy of your original self and move through this world in freedom.

What rises in you when you hear that?

Thoughts or emotions or questions connecting with my true essence,

A second chance for joy.

When they say Radiant One,

Inquire,

They're talking to us.

We are the Radiant Ones.

Radiant One,

Inquire,

Before desire arises in me,

Who am I?

Before I know anything,

Who am I?

Seek always the intimate joy of your original self and move through this world in freedom.

I am peace before anything else occurs.

It reminds us to not forget who we are.

I think I am on the way to return to my authentic self after a violent dog attack.

Feeling fully embracing full time,

Immersive travel,

Looking deep within self discovery.

It just brought up a flash of my dream time last night.

To be my authentic self,

Not living my past life,

My past life ways,

Without judgment and quick analysis to asking,

Hmm,

Maybe,

That everything is okay if you just come back to you.

I feel stillness,

That you have a deep knowing and wisdom of heart.

So beautiful to experience intimate joy with our authentic self,

Surrender to self love and compassion.

To thine own self be true.

Doesn't that just give that a whole deeper meaning,

Eh?

Wow.

That's what this one should be called.

There's a calmness,

Nothing before desire arises,

But sometimes acting on the desires might lead to suffering.

But at the same time,

We want to experience life to the fullest and not have monk-like calmness all the time.

Balance might be the key.

Well,

Thank you,

Rose.

That's like the most beautiful segue into what I want to say next.

So in the last few sutras,

And it's okay if you weren't here for the last ones,

A few weeks ago,

We read number 71,

And this was the sutra.

People talk about mind and ego.

Let's just drop this whole conversation.

Consider instead,

There is no mind,

There is no ego,

There is only the vivid reality of this surprising moment at play,

Beckoning.

We went into a deep discussion about what happens when we drop into this place of no mind and no ego,

And this can be found on Insight Timer if you go and find it,

Number 71.

But what's interesting is Tantra is never about transcending this world.

It's never about letting go of the ego,

Desires,

Knowledge,

And only living in this monk-like calmness.

That's not the point of Tantra.

That's the point of some yoga paths,

Some other religious paths.

The Tantra embraces who we actually are behind the mind and the ego,

And it embraces the mind and the ego.

It's like we are here in maya.

We are here,

Manifest.

We are eating chocolate and feeling sunshine,

And being heartbroken,

And healing,

And falling in love,

And not falling in love,

And swimming in oceans.

We are here on earth.

We are here in maya.

The challenge comes when we think we are only that ego,

Making money,

Losing friends,

Swimming in oceans,

Twisting our ankle,

Not getting enough sleep,

Getting far too much sleep,

Whatever.

The problem is when we over-identify with everything in our life,

We also miss the point.

But if we completely transcend life and say none of that matters,

Doesn't matter,

I don't need a job,

I don't need love,

I don't need relationships,

I don't care about politics,

I don't care about that,

I don't care about anything,

Then why be here?

Why be in maya?

Why be incarnate?

If we're not going to play,

Why bother?

So this is where the goal of tantra is to bring ourselves to a space where we can deeply enjoy all aspects of life.

And how do we do that?

So in the journey of tantra,

It's fully remembering who we are.

Remembering the bliss consciousness that we actually are.

And knowing that in this life,

I am Katrina Boss.

And I live in Goddridge,

Canada,

And I'm 54,

And I like to do this,

And I struggle to do this,

And I've had these heartbreaks,

And I've had these beautiful experiences.

I am all of that.

The Katrina Boss aspect of who I am isn't an illusion.

It's real.

It's the only reality.

This is the reality.

Everybody that's here right now,

This is a reality.

This is truth.

This is what we are experiencing.

And at the same time,

Beneath all that,

We are all bliss consciousness.

So imagine what it's like living like that,

Knowing that.

All day long,

Fully knowing,

No matter how difficult life might be right now,

Like maybe right now you're going through something very difficult.

Maybe it's a real challenging time.

And the very idea of releasing that,

Releasing whatever it is we think we are,

Or what we think is important,

Or the things that we're struggling with,

Or the things that our ego is wrestling with,

To imagine disengaging from that for a moment and remembering who we are,

That can almost feel painful.

Because we are heavily identifying with whatever struggle we're in right now.

And this is normal.

This is completely normal.

We all go through it.

Every one of us here on planet Earth,

Everybody,

It doesn't matter whether you're some enlightened master or you're struggling,

It doesn't matter.

Everybody has times when we have deep questions about what in the world are we doing?

And sometimes they're deep.

Sometimes we're like,

What do I do about this aspect of my life?

What do I do?

Because the reality is we are here,

We are on planet Earth.

We do have relationships.

We do have to pay rent.

This is our reality.

And sometimes those are very,

Very real.

The key is we want to be able to dive deep into them without them overwhelming us and us drowning in them.

And so the Sutra says,

Before desire arises in me,

Who am I?

And you could replace that with before fear arises in me,

Before suffering arises in me,

Before the desires for success,

Love,

Whatever arises in me,

Who am I?

Who is the one suffering?

Who is the one desiring?

Who is that?

And the next line is,

Before I know anything,

Who am I?

So what's interesting is what this Sutra is saying is,

Imagine our mind is filled with desires and knowledge.

And the desire can be positive or negative,

The desire to have something or the desire to not have something.

So our ego tends to be filled with these desires and what we know about the world.

But to really embrace the fact that,

Okay,

There is the self that knows things and desires things,

But there is something bigger than the self,

There is something else that we are,

Not something bigger than us,

That we are.

It's interesting because the next few Sutras after this,

We then re-engage with desires and knowledge.

But the preliminary step is knowing who we are before we dive in.

So this who am I question is also on a very deep level,

It's that existential crisis that we can struggle with sometimes,

Especially kind of in the valleys of life.

You know,

We have all these high points,

These things we're doing,

Or we're,

Even if it's not a high point,

It could be a difficult time,

But it's a time of high activity,

Mentally,

Physically,

Whatever.

And then all of a sudden there's a lull,

There's a quiet,

And every so often we sit in that quiet and we wonder,

What am I doing?

What's this all about?

Why am I bothering?

Like,

Who am I?

And we have these deep questions.

The challenge comes that if we try to find the answer to this in the desires and the knowledge and the ego,

We won't find it.

The answers to the who am I question lies behind them.

It lies within us.

It lies in the space that has no desires,

No knowledge,

No ego,

No mental chatter.

That's who we are.

Or you can imagine that this is one of the beautiful applications of meditation.

Why do we meditate?

Why is meditation so central to spiritual paths like Tantra?

Because when we close our eyes and we train ourselves,

Because initially it does take some training.

It takes training to empty the mind of the chatter,

To actually let that hum of the world just float by us without engaging with it.

And so then we can sit with a nice straight spine and close our eyes and breathe,

Releasing the mind,

Releasing the desires,

Releasing the thoughts.

And we are left with something that is beyond words.

Imagine you just sit and meditate every day for 10 minutes,

Connecting with that part of you that is beyond words,

Beyond knowledge,

Beyond desire.

How would that change our lives?

Every day we check in with that aspect of who we are.

You know,

Maybe the first day it's a bit of a challenge,

And then the second day it's a little easier,

And the third day it's even easier.

By the 14th day,

You literally sit down and like Pavlov's dog,

It's like you just click in to this wonderful quiet inside.

And all of a sudden,

You know,

Maybe you hear birds singing and you hear whatever around you,

But you remember who you are.

And then you open your eyes and you go about your day.

And maybe you answer emails for the next hour,

But you're doing them as your true self.

And maybe you drive the kids to school,

Or you go down to the lake,

Or you go visit one of your parents,

Or you have a bath,

Or you go into the board meeting,

But imagine doing it after this practice.

It creates inner peace and calm beyond imagination.

Exactly.

Can't we just try and live as the bliss and not have the other stuff?

Not bother about politics,

Only choose the closest to us to love,

Etc.

Not desire very much,

But basic needs.

Totally.

Politics is a weird example to use,

But for me,

Because I said it,

Not you.

We all have different paths to take.

There are times in our life when being engaged in the world is exactly the right path.

In the East,

They talk about the four stages of the spiritual life.

The first being the child student,

Where others care for you,

And this is your time to learn and grow and self-actualize and become a full spiritual adult.

And then you head into the householder phase.

And in this phase,

We are interested in the world around us.

For example,

Lots of you guys know that two years ago,

I ran for town council.

And I would definitely call myself very apolitical and not really wired that way,

But it was interesting to think about being involved in the local community in that way.

It was interesting for me to think about.

And I had to reorder a lot of thoughts inside of me to even imagine entering the arena.

There's a time that sometimes we are in relationships where we do need to engage.

And it's a good thing.

It's part of our soul's path.

And the householder phase is very rich,

And you don't have to be married and have kids.

That's historically the norm,

But it just means you're involved in the world.

You're involved in the community.

You're involved in the village.

You're busy.

You're working full time,

And you're active,

And you're in groups,

And you're doing stuff.

It's living.

It's the engaged,

The heavily engaged part of our life.

And then,

When that time is complete,

We go into the forest dweller phase.

And this is where we do withdraw from all the busyness of the world,

And we start to mine the experiences of the householder phase,

Because we have time to think.

We're not run off of our feet,

Running after children,

And caring for people,

And having a million committees,

And things,

You know.

And then,

After we've pondered life for a couple decades,

We enter the sage stage.

And we are a true mentor,

But we have to have lived first.

You can't be a mentor if you haven't loved,

And lost,

And struggled,

And succeeded,

Because then we're just theory.

So during those busy times,

Imagine living in those times in a tantric way.

And the easiest way to dive into challenging times is to have this sense of wonder,

To have this deep knowing of who we are.

And earlier,

As Joe said,

You know that old saying,

To thine own self be true.

Imagine going through everything you're going through right now,

But honoring your true self,

Not even your ego self,

It's good to honor your ego self,

But to truly honor your divine self,

That expansive,

Infinite,

Bliss consciousness self inside of you.

And what's beautiful is,

You know,

The last line of this sutra is,

Seek always the intimate joy of your original self,

And move through this world in freedom.

Think of the freedom we feel when we just know better.

We can still fully engage.

But imagine,

Imagine that bliss and ecstasy isn't always happy.

Bliss doesn't mean happiness.

Bliss is this sparkly expansiveness that even when we're down,

If we can remember who we are,

There's still a lightness in it,

Even though we have heavy emotions.

It allows us to talk.

It allows us to share.

You know,

A couple nights ago,

I was really struggling.

I was struggling with some big questions about how I organize my life and things like that.

And I got very tired.

I was very,

I was really in a rough state,

And I was lying in bed with my partner,

And he said,

How are you?

And I looked at him,

And I was like,

I'm really struggling.

Really having a hard time.

But there's always this other part of me that's aware of the me that's having such a hard time.

I know that I'm more than the person that's having the hard time,

But that doesn't change that I'm having a hard time making,

Figuring this out.

But it gives you this interesting perspective on what's going on.

It reminds me of a cycle that we go through many times in life.

When I begin to know myself,

I can begin to understand who you are.

Deep contentment and wisdom,

Connection to truth.

That's why I've chosen to live,

Started 19 years ago,

Meditate every day.

Other people struggle with how I choose to be,

Live,

Especially some family members.

My life was filled with trauma and violence,

Beginning with my parents.

Forty years of madness ensued.

Since meditation entered my life,

There's only been goodness and a lot of peace,

And I love who I've become.

Life is a beautiful thing when people don't create drama.

Isn't that the truth?

So in the back of this beautiful book,

Lauren gives us a beautiful teaching.

He says,

Meditate in a way that fosters and enlivens you.

Let your practice encourage you to become who you really are.

Investigate your addictions.

Find out what secret is hidden there,

What you are really craving,

And convert it to a practice.

Become devoted to your practice.

Cherish your relationship with this spot of ground,

The floor,

The soil,

The pavement,

This world,

Space,

And the universe.

And that's a really interesting thing when he talks about investigate your addictions.

Because this is what happens when we release the connection to the desires and the knowledge.

These are where the addictions are seen,

The desires and the knowledge.

Why do I reach for that thing that doesn't serve me over and over and over again?

What happens when I see the desire for that thing,

And I stop myself,

And I come back to the person or the self who is desiring?

What's really missing?

Is it this deep connection to self?

Why do people create drama,

Kat?

That's a great question.

Genuinely,

I think that we seek excitement in our heart.

We seek the desire,

The passion,

That connection to Bhairava.

Unfortunately,

Okay,

When we are building things in our life,

When we are creating things,

When we are doing things,

When we are living on our growth edge,

Then we are very excited about everything.

Imagine you have a new project that you're super excited in,

And you're doing this,

And you are just so excited.

That's a lot of energy and a lot of excitement,

And you have to dig deep,

And you have to learn,

And it's really exciting.

But a lot of people are not building anything in their life.

They're not at their growth edge.

They're living inside of someone else's story.

They're living inside someone else's pinball machine.

In those cases,

Being angry also brings an emotional response.

Being self-righteous brings an emotional response.

Being the victim brings an emotional response.

We thrive on it,

Because we don't know any better.

This is where you study the levels of consciousness of David Hawkins,

And we're all stuck in the drama of fear,

And shame,

And anger,

And pride,

And apathy,

And all these things.

Then one day,

We discover courage,

And we realize that we have choice,

And we can actually drive our own boat,

And everything changes.

Then we start learning how to get excitement from driving our own boat.

When you're driving your own boat,

You have no time for drama,

And anyone who wants to bring drama into your life,

You literally look at them and say,

Why are you doing this?

Why are you telling me this?

I'm busy.

I'm busy living.

But we've lived in a very victimized society for a long time,

So drama in many ways is the only way we felt alive.

It's a great question.

Is there something said for acknowledging your thoughts and growth to others so they can understand you?

See their pain,

But you realize you can't help them.

In doing so,

You acknowledge your own self and theirs,

But yet free in ourselves to exist.

I find it helpful to share our journey when it directly applies to a question someone's asking.

If someone asks you a question,

Sometimes a story is the best answer,

And a personal story is the best answer.

But if someone isn't asking a question,

It doesn't matter what we say.

Someone could be listening to this talk right now,

But if they have no questions about the topics we're talking about,

Whether it's drama or existential crises or finding more depth in life,

They'll think this talk is stupid or irrelevant because it's not answering any of the questions that they have,

And they'll have to find a different talk that has the answers that they're seeking.

It's like reading a book.

The number of books I've read,

And I pick it up,

And all of a sudden it's like,

That's the answer I was looking for,

And I think it's the greatest book,

And I will tell you that it was foundational in my journey,

And then I'll recommend it to people,

And then I'll realize I only read two chapters of it,

But I found the answer I was looking for.

Maybe the rest of the book was horrible.

We have to be asking the question,

Or else something isn't interesting.

All right,

We're going to do a little meditation.

Let's close our eyes,

And let's breathe deeply,

Feeling your belly expand as you inhale and contract as you exhale.

In your mind's eye,

I would like you to imagine yourself downtown in a city center somewhere in the world,

And it doesn't even have to be a real place,

But I want your imagination to create the busiest place you can imagine with neon lights and cars honking and people talking,

And I want you just to imagine maybe you're sitting on a park bench in the midst of all of this,

Or you're sitting at a cafe drinking a coffee and seeing all the madness around you,

And I want you to feel what that feels like in your body,

In your nervous system,

All the busyness,

And then I want you to imagine that you walk into a store on the street,

And as you close the door,

The sound becomes very muffled.

It's still out there,

But it's muffled,

And you're in a nice clothing store,

And you're wandering around looking at things,

Thinking about maybe you want to buy a present for someone,

So you're thinking about this other person,

Or maybe you're thinking about something you need for yourself,

So you're thinking about your life,

And when would you use this,

And how well is it worth it,

Do I have the money for it,

So you're thinking about your life and your relationships and people,

And then you leave the store,

And you kind of go out into the madness for a little while,

And you walk down the street,

And you decide to get on the subway,

And you go through all the turnstiles,

And you go,

And you're sitting on the subway,

And it starts to move,

And it's quieter here,

There's a few people,

But it's quieter,

And you take a deep breath,

And you kind of come into your own body,

You don't have to think about anything else,

You don't have to respond or react to the world around you,

You're just in your own self,

And then the subway stops,

And you get off the subway,

And there's a bus waiting for you,

So you get on the bus,

And the bus starts driving out into the country,

And you're looking out the window,

And you see the trees,

And you see the sky,

And you're starting to breathe even deeper,

Maybe memories come up from your childhood,

Being in the country,

Swimming in lakes,

Being outside,

And then the bus stops,

And you get off the bus,

And you start to wander through the woods on a lovely path.

Bit by bit,

All of your important knowledge of the world and its moving parts doesn't apply here,

So it drifts away out of consciousness,

And all of the desires and the fears you normally have also don't apply here,

So they just naturally fall away,

And as you breathe,

You start to smell the earth and the world around you,

And suddenly you can hear again,

And you hear the birds,

And you can hear water flowing,

And you walk towards it,

And you see this beautiful stream,

And you crouch down and you place your hands in the stream,

You feel the cold water,

And your nervous system becomes even more quiet,

And then you stand up and you walk a bit further,

And you find this lovely patch of grass in the sunshine,

And you lay down,

Arms open,

Legs open,

You feel your whole body just melt into the earth,

As your nervous system connects with the pulse of Mother Earth,

And you start to realize who you really are,

You feel the sun on your face,

Its warmth flowing through your body,

And you realize that you are none of these things,

There is an energy coursing through your body,

An aliveness,

A sparkle,

Light,

And you remember perhaps the desire to come to planet earth,

And experience this place,

And you lie there with a beautiful smile inside and out,

Feeling this energy,

Pure light coursing through your body,

And your nervous system relaxes a little bit more,

As you remember who you truly are.

Bhuta Tat,

Lena Tat,

Mana Bhavet.

Radiant One,

Inquire,

Before desire arises in me,

Who am I?

Before I know anything,

Who am I?

Seek always the intimate joy of your original self,

And move through this world in freedom.

Let's take a deep breath in together,

Exhale,

If you'd like to stay where you are,

That's totally cool,

And if you'd like to join back with the group,

I would love to know how you're feeling.

Freedom is my birthright,

I feel touched,

It's like a homecoming.

Does moving through freedom require not attaching to the drama you mentioned earlier?

Yes,

Yes,

And it's interesting,

Because sometimes you can still have meaningful conversations with people who are struggling with drama,

But we just don't take it home.

It's not that we disengage from everyone,

We just recognize it for what it is.

I no longer want to be in someone's pinball machine.

Ease,

Confidence,

Peace.

Peace,

Deep stillness.

Whenever I hear who I am,

I kind of freak out like it's a big responsibility.

It's funny,

But it's the worthy application of our thoughts.

Because I think you're right,

It feels so big,

But we are that big.

I realized during the meditation that for 14 years I've lived in that last stage of walking the forest,

But it's time to re-engage with community and make it more consistent,

And not just times in my work.

The original me,

God's artist.

I want to visit my sunny patch of grass more often.

That's awesome.

So thank you so much for being here.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Reviews

So powerful as always, I love these sessions Katrina. It was and is exactly what I need to hear and absorb. Bhairava, living on the edge of life as I have to have the difficult conversation that I do have been avoiding. Thank you 🙏

Your talks are always so illuminating. Thank you Katrina!