Thriving As An Empath 7: Givers & Takers

As sensitive people, we will often anticipate the needs of others which of course will attract those with many needs to be filled. Adam Grant would call these folks "takers". Let's explore how to navigate the dance of givers and takers and find a more enjoyable way.

Transcript

This is a live talk in our Thriving as an Empath series all about givers and takers. While giving this talk, I was babysitting my son's dog, A five-month-old husky, Hoping she would rest. For the first five minutes of the talk, You can hear her chewing her bone, And we started having some issues because she wasn't resting, Which included knocking over my water glass and breaking it with water. And I wondered if the recording was ruined. And then the experience with the puppy actually birthed the whole talk. So for the first five minutes, It might be a little odd, And then the talk begins without interruption. So thank you for your patience, And it's an interesting segue that I couldn't have planned. All right, Today we're continuing our series called Thriving as an Empath. And today we're talking about givers and takers. And I've talked about this a lot, Sort of in little bits in other talks. So some of this might be repetition for a lot of you guys. But years ago, I read a book called Give and Take by Adam Grant. And it was a brilliant book based on the idea that we often are attracted to people who. . . Puppy sounds. . . We're often attracted to people who might take advantage of our good nature. And this is a huge challenge when we're an empath. Because to be an empath is a beautiful thing, Right? It's a beautiful thing to actually be able to connect with each other in an emotional space, Connect each other in a heart space, And to completely be able to relax in that effortless communication of emotions. Like if you imagine if you're having a chat with someone, And they're an intimate person with you, Whether it's a child or a friend or a lover or a parent, But someone who you're connected to, You have a love with this person, And that you can sit and part of your conversation is verbal, But a lot of it is emotional. Like on the weekend, We were driving up north and my daughter and I, My daughter was driving and I was in the front seat, And my partner was in the backseat. Well, Being around my daughter and I is a little bit like being around one person with two mouths. We have this connection. So we sort of just sort of we talk, But we're almost finishing each other's sentences. But we're talking and on a three and a half hour drive, It's kind of a curious experience, Because there's this empathic connection. So you start to talk, But all it's like your entire being fills in the rest of the sentence. This is a great gift to be able to have this effortless empathic connection. And it's more complete than just verbal communication. It shares nuances in the whole picture. So it's actually really beautiful. So now you imagine you're this beautiful empath, And you just desire this lovely free flow of conversation or free flow of communication with someone. And what if you've fallen in love with someone and we'll just go down the romantic path because that tends to be the juiciest and the most acute struggle. And you want this open, Beautiful communication. So your empathy is wide open. You are receiving everything they're feeling. You want them to feel what you feel. And it's just beautiful. There's no twist to it. It's just, It's just beautiful. But they are a taker. They're not actually in the relationship for a mutual benefit. For whatever reason, Maybe they had a difficult childhood, Maybe they were raised by takers, Maybe they just simply, I don't know, Are lonely, Or they want something out of people. But they actually see you as a beautiful opportunity to take. And they may not do this consciously. And as an empath, We may not see it soon enough. We may see them as exciting and interesting and edgy and exciting. And the truth is, We're really being taken on a ride. And oftentimes what can happen is we will anticipate their needs very naturally. And then we'll just meet the needs of them. And then we'll just meet the need. And then nothing actually is reciprocated. And not that it has to be reciprocated in that way. Ah, Darn it. As the puppy kicks my glass, Water glass. And now there's broken glass and water everywhere. I don't know guys. Darn it. Just give me one second. I just have to pick up the broken glass. You are a menace. Okay. She's in a little bit of a mood. We're busy talking about empaths here. I think I have to relax about the recording of this one. Just let it flow organically. And it just may have puppy, Puppy sounds in it. I think I'm a little distracted that the puppy is going to ruin the recorder. You know what's really funny about this is that I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not going to be able to do this. I'm not going to be able to do this. What I'm really interested in about this is that it's very similar to this whole topic of giving and taking. She's a puppy. She is in a taking stage. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She's little. She's immature. That's the way it is. And when we choose to have this, We have to know that this is it. But what if she never grew up? What if she stayed in this taking stage? What if she stayed needing your attention all the time? I want to go for a walk now. I need this of you. I need that of you. So, I mean, You might be kind of a cold hearted person and you might want to ignore them and let them whatever. But what if you care? And what if you have a big heart? And what if you're an empath? You're gonna like, Oh, I think she's got to go. I'll stop everything I'm doing. And I'll go and I'll take her for a walk. And Oh, I think she needs a new toy. You know what, I'll stop this thing that I'm doing. And I'll go to the store and I'll go to the nextRightjluncle store. And if the night you're sleeping on that road, I'll go on right now. I'll just stay here, Play the video, Live the night. I'm just gonna be going up to the kings shop. I don't wanna get to Valentine's Day. I'm gonnaible because that's just what she needs probably. And Oh, It's okay if I can't sleep because you know she's bored and it's the middle of the night and I'm just gonna get up with her, Like I've had a lot of dogs my from you and they're requiring you to intuit their needs and crying at the bottom of the stairs. Storm come here come on that's enough up come on enough come on. This is a problem we're trying to actually live we're trying to do something we're trying to do this and it's like yeah but what about me but what about me aren't you paying attention to me so you can imagine how this would play out with an empath and this behavior is not uncommon for a lot of humans and I'm not saying like they're bad people or anything like that but for whatever reason they are unable to fulfill their own needs they're unable to listen with I just wanted to make sure she wasn't chewing my shoes but this is what you can feel like as an empath in life in relationships that you're literally being pulled away from every single thing you want to do every desire you have every intention you have every everything you have because there's always somebody going what about me what about me and it's an interesting thing like I remember when my kids were little part of my great goal with them was to you know when they're children I am more than happy to take that cover I'm more than happy to be the mom to fulfill what they need to feed them keep them safe teach them whatever they need to do but the goal was always independence and not independence from me like not that not separation from me but their own autonomous beings that all of their needs can be cared for by themselves if I have a problem I can close my eyes meditate pray whatever you want to think whatever you want to call it and come up with a solution we come up with a solution and we or maybe we have a an idea that well I'm going to call this person I'll bet they're the one that has the answer or I'll do some research or we'll do something but I teach the children to be autonomous beings and if you really need something then go and get it create it if you want more money then you get another job lots of us had two or three jobs to do whatever it is we wanted to do then that's what you do and even emotionally that it's really important to be able to process our own emotions and don't get me wrong I'm a very heavy verbal processor with friends and if I'm really stuck I will grab one of my kids or a friend and I'll say hey can I talk to you like I'm really struggling right now and normally the answer sure of course but I first do a pile of work myself I'll do some yoga kriyas or I'll meditate or I'll journal or I'll dance to angry music or I'll go for a long run or I'll do something or I'll go to a counselor or I'll do some kind of cool somatic therapy I'll do something to sort it out on my own first unless a friend just happens to come over and they're like hey how you doing and I'm like uh then the verbal processing may come first but I still have the ability to pull myself up off the pavement and don't get me wrong sometimes I don't and sometimes I really want to have a warm hug and I just want to have a friend to really sit and cry with it's not about being completely separate but if you get into a relationship with someone who requires this of you they require you to always be there for them I'm going through some stuff and you need to be here for me I need to be able to text you and I need to be able to know you care and I need to be able to know that you're there for me no matter what this is unhealthy no other human has to be there for any other human no matter what whether you're a married or you're grown children with parents the soul's journey is to sort it on our own the soul's journey is to climb our mountain you don't get to go and piggyback on somebody else up someone else's mountain and you certainly don't get to take someone off their own mountain and bring them to your mountain and then climb up on their back that's not why we're here and it's a real danger and this exists in the world so it's a really interesting thing this idea of giving and taking because if someone's a taker they actually look for people who will fulfill their need because they aren't going to step up and do it themselves they aren't going to it's by design and they will exhaust you until you finally stop and what happens and in this book I if this is if this rings for you I highly recommend this book it's called give and take by Adam Grant and it's been a long time since I read it but it just was blew my mind and what he said what happens is once the giver realizes what's happening with the taker they will stop giving and they will stop start matching and that's that point in the relationship where you say well you know what I don't really see anything coming back my way so I'm only going to give as much as they give to me and if they do this well then I'll give then I'll start to match there is nothing more soul-sucking than having to be a matcher having to calculate what you give having to hold back the joy of giving I was chatting on the weekend with my sisters and friends and and we were talking about you know one of them had just gone through a breakup and they said you know I really loved him but even more than the fact that I loved him I loved getting to love him I loved having that outpouring of love I loved having this person I could just pour myself into this is the joy of giving this is the joy of being an empath is you just open the flight gates and your soul flows through it it's like this heart chakra we have all this glorious universal galactic divine love coming through the back of our fourth chakra and it whirls around in here and then we give it to the world it is so joyful to live like that but if we're with people who are takers they will just suck that dry and you will give and give and give and it's not just like I love giving it's great it's not even the fact that they take it it's the fact that we start to expect that we have to give and we have to give things that we actually don't want to give do I want to take the dog for a walk right now no I want to be here with you guys do I want to clean up a mess no I want to be here with you guys but if I'm not careful I would have ended this talk and gone and taken the dog for a walk that's not me giving that's me succumbing to their expectation because they aren't capable of doing it themselves that's not healthy at all and then slowly the givers stop giving we actually lose the joy as an empath we start to shut down our ability to be empathic we start to withdraw we start to come back because one of the big challenges is that because we've lived in a society where expressing emotions is really frowned upon it's definitely frowned upon in men and it's definitely frowned upon in women as well pull yourself together for god's sake go to your room until you can be civil you know you know don't be so emotional what's wrong with you are you premenstrual you've been taught to repress a very natural human expression of truth so as children if we weren't allowed to express ourselves if we would get in trouble or sent to our rooms or whatever or not be allowed to play with our friends but that energy is still coming out we can't help it we can't help it it has to come out it's an energy so what happens is we emote e m o t e we emote and that energy comes out of our aura instead we're not verbally saying it but if anyone is energetically sensitive you can feel it a mile away and what happens if we're with a taker and again all takers aren't narcissists some people just really are needy from childhood maybe they were entitled there's a lot of versions of takers but for whatever reason they believe in their deepest heart that other people are here to meet their needs and this is a huge thing if you ever meet someone and says yeah but you i have a need and you need to meet it no i don't i'm climbing my own mountain you need to meet your needs you and i know there's lots of schools out there that have teachings of huge lists of potential needs that other people should fulfill for you i take great issue with those lists because what they do is they create this give and take scenario they create massive codependency and a complete lack of freedom and autonomy in each person and in the end each one of us is a soul and i love people i love connections this is one of the reasons i can sort of live in my crystal palace and do my own thing and write my books and teach and do whatever i do because i have deep connections with friends and deep connections with my children and my my partner and we are all autonomous every one of us meets our own needs we are in relationship because it's joyful we get to dance together we get to play together it's all in choice if it happens great if it doesn't happen great there's so many other joyful things in the world there's an infinite number of wonderful ways that i can meet whatever need i have in this day no one person is responsible for that because that person is on their soul's journey this is really really important if we're gonna thrive as an empath because we have to this is a deep thing this is our heart opening to the world we have to deeply understand that every one of us has our own guidance every one of us has this beautiful sixth chakra seventh chakra we are listening to the universe as to how we are meant to wander through our lives and have the experiences we're meant to have and if somebody comes along that is wonderful and for some reason we lift each other up in our compatibility or we complement each other and somehow their strengths make me stronger and we get to play and we get to dance maybe in some beautiful masculine feminine dynamic and i don't mean gendered i mean some beautiful structure and chaos or some wonderful experience brilliant but we're each big strong humans so now you imagine this imagine as an empath so you are a strong empath not a weak empath not an overly sensitive person none of this nonsense that we're taught about being really interesting emotionally strong and intelligent people you are one of these empaths that they would have on the star trek enterprise because they need someone with the skill to read the emotional readout of a foreign you know an alien nation or something this is a strength inside of us so now let's say you're in a relationship and you're with people who are takers or whatever or they're just simply emotionally immature or whatever we don't have to demonize them and you can feel them you're wide open and you can feel them and you're like wow this person's really struggling and they will struggle when you don't meet their needs when you don't start bending to their will when you don't start bending to their emoting they'll start to amp up their behavior there will be an anxiety inside of them that will start to amp up and you'll feel that too if they can easily be a taker and they've got you kind of wound right that all they have to do is sort of sigh and you change direction and all they can do is be a little bit upset and you'll like go and make their favorite dinner or make sure they're okay or give them a back rub or something and all they have to do is just do a little emoting they'll be very calm so you can imagine this especially if you were raised in a home where there is any kind of abuse or alcoholism or drug use or neglect or anything like that the goal is calm in the home the goal is that everybody's okay nobody's yelling that's what we want right we want this very calm emotional state and if you can keep a taker at bay by bending yourself to their unsaid will we can stay caught there for decades and that person is like what i didn't even say i didn't ask you to do that i don't know why you're so upset and you're like yeah but i know that's what you wanted well you know what you should do what you don't want to do like you know what i mean like this is where all the gaslighting and stuff then comes in so as soon as you kind of watch this and you realize that you're a strong empath and you start to watch this behavior and you're thinking wow and you say to yourself if you desire something if you want help you need to actually verbally ask me because there's something very powerful about our words as much as it's powerful to emote and to connect emotionally our words are very powerful and when someone has to ask for help they actually have to verbally say can you help me do this it has now registered in their consciousness that they have asked for help at this point you can now choose to help or not you can say yes or no you can say you know what i'm actually in the middle of something right now but as soon as this is done i'd be happy to help you at that point they may have a little fit well i want it right now though i like but at least they're verbalizing it they're hearing it themselves they're hearing it all out loud and you can look at them as a strong empath knowing that you are a soul climbing your mountain listening to your guidance and say that's cool i'll be happy to help you in half an hour their behavior will keep amping up and to be really clear that it's okay it's okay that their behavior amps up it's okay that they you know unless they're abusive and stuff in which case you've got to get out of there anyway but assuming they're not abusive they keep amping up and eventually there will likely be a tantrum because what's happening is this is an old behavior from childhood and if they don't get their way eventually the last the last ditch is some kind of temper tantrum but this doesn't have to throw us just because we're empaths and this is one of the important things about being an empath is we have to know how to pull our antenna in just because we have the ability to read the room just because we have the ability to read the emotional body of another person doesn't mean we have to we are in control of this ship we control what we experience in and what we don't experience even in yoga there's a saying it's when you withdraw the senses so you're sitting and you're meditating and you start to withdraw the senses your senses from the world and you allow all of your focus to be inside this is very very important in all cases because our senses sense everything i'm cold i'm hot i'm this this like we feel all these things i don't like that smell it's too bright we're constantly being driven by our senses and it can be very confusing forget about empathy forget about intuition forget about telepathy our simple physical senses can distract us what from what we're doing so this is actually a spiritual practice to be able to withdraw your senses back into self and listen this is a very important ability so people often ask me they how they say how do you go grocery shopping you know there's so many people all these people and they're all having all their issues and very clearly like i was taught actually from my intuitive friend years ago you pull in your radar you pull it in and i mean the question often comes well then how do i do that this isn't something i can put words to you choose you choose to pull it in our intention is everything you choose to pull in your radar and you just go about your own business almost as if there's no one else in the store and you stay in your own you can call it a bubble if you want but you just withdraw the radar and you remember okay i'm gonna buy some fennel and i'm gonna buy some milk and i'm gonna buy some this and you stay climbing your mountain that's it we get to put our focus anywhere we want that's it we don't owe this to anyone else and this is why this concept of but of the takers is really really important because we might have been trained as children that we have to leave keep our antenna out all the time especially if there was abuse especially if there was alcohol especially if there was really dark personalities around because we would have kept that radar up 24 7 just to survive but now as an adult we need to look at this and say i can pull that in sometimes i even get it when i'm driving you know if i'm driving on a big highway you can almost feel anxiety in the cars around you i don't know if you guys have ever experienced this but sometimes people are just like they're going up and they're all over the place and they're changing lanes and they're crazy you're driving along going what the heck is going on in the world today but we are empathically reading all the other cars all the other people in the cars and i swear everybody's reading each other and maybe it only took one crazy to set everybody else off but you're driving along and they're like i don't even want to be on this highway and you start thinking about how do i get off this highway and take a different route because this place just feels like a freaking accident waiting to happen it's crazy and then there's other days you're driving and it's like everybody's just chilling in the sun right all the cars are just rolling along so how do you do it you cannot stay focused on all the crazy around you but you can imagine how there might be a desire to do it well i need to know i need to i need to be hyper aware because everybody's crazy so i need to have my my my senses heightened so that in case there's an accident like we get all blah blah blah but that's not how you avoid an accident you avoid an accident from withdrawing from the crazy staying in your own lane and driving we have to be able to find our center just because the world is prickly does not mean we have to get stabbed it's really really important to know when to put the antenna out and when to pull them back in this is a very important skill as an empath so if we come back to this give and take and the other person is a taker and it could be maybe it's not a lover maybe it's a parent maybe it's a child maybe it's a co-worker maybe it's your boss maybe it's your neighbor that you don't even like but they drive you crazy some people take they take your attention oh hey you know what did you hear about this and you're like i'm just going on a walk yeah but you know like and you're like i'm just i'm just going on it yeah but here come here let me show you this thing in my backyard and you're like your politeness training your empathy you recognize they're lonely you know i really should go over there right it's the same thing so now you imagine we go back to the scenario where maybe it's a partner or a business partner whoever or a parent or a sibling and you are not responding to their emoting their behavior is starting to amp up they're amping their emotions up they're putting some fire behind it at this point you have to be able to withdraw a little you don't have to take that you don't have to receive that you don't have to shut down but you don't have to receive it i saw this great quote and i've never heard it before but i saw this great quote that apparently einstein said and he said yes there have been a lot of haters of my work and a lot of people have sent me their disapproval but it never seemed to touch me it was like i was in a different dimension from what they were saying that's not exactly what he said but it was some kind something like that and it doesn't mean we become aloof or separate or anything like that well we are separate in that we are different beings we are autonomous but it's not that we need to become shut down we just need to let it kind of run by past us kind of like tai chi kind of like you just let the energy go by you and you don't take it and this is why it's so important that we do our own work that some deep program doesn't exist that we deserve it that we must take it we can just let it go past us while they build to their temper tantrum and even if they have the temper tantrum we can just watch them like a two-year-old if we want or we can say you know what we'll talk about this later when you're okay because again a temper tantrum is not just an emotional response it's a tent it's a tantrum to get a desired response and maybe they learn or maybe they don't but it's a very important thing to step back and play a verbal game instead of the emotional game instead of the empathic game to really be able to hold our own. I'm going to put my glasses on and if you have any questions please write them I'll go back you shift broadcasting instead of receiving well the interesting thing about broadcasting is broadcasting doesn't need to take any energy if you're just simply you if I don't have my antenna out I'm still me I'm not shutting down me I've just pulled in my antenna if I'm walking through the store and I'm happy and I'm humming and I'm doing my thing I'm still radiating me I can't help it we all have auras but I'm very clear that I don't want to read someone else's emotional body they're not asking they're not asking me to read them so I'm just me I just don't have any antenna out but I am still fully rejecting my aura not consciously it's just it's just just me right so thank you so much for being here I hope you have an amazing day.

Reviews

That was very good for me to listen to. Thank you 🙏🏼 I'm an empath and I really, Really want to finally learn to set healthy boundaries in relation to takers. It seems like I've been a magnet for them 🙃

Wow, this made a huge impact.
Thank you again. 🙏

I love your genuine laughter Katrina. I am an empat. For 20 years in my relationship with my ex I struggled with co-dependence. I thought since I was able to feel my emotions and his unexpressed emotions, it was my job to keep the peace in the relationship. I had let go of fully climbing my mountain, took him on my back or worse enable him to climb his mountain providing all my energy to fulfill his long list of chores to do. A child came into our lives. He found it difficult to give to a taker (the child) so decided to split and that way have some time on his own to make sure to accomplish his tasks and live for himself. At first I was devastated. But now that I have done healing work, as an empat, I am benefiting from the feelings of being autonomous, taking care of my own soul, still giving to my child but teaching him to be autonomous too. Your series on empat and your ability to talk and communicate really vibe with me. Thank you for sharing you. P.s. I love the puppy seg way.

Always enlightening Katrina!
Much gratitude! 🙏🏼✨💖