The Secret Lovers: Radiance Sutras Verse 138

During this session, we discuss Verse 138 of the Insight Verses from the 'Radiance Sutras', a translation of the Vijanana Bhairava Tantra by Lorin Loche. A meditation follows our discussion.

These sessions are recorded every week, and all are welcome.

Transcript

Today we are reading from the Radiant Sutras,

A beautiful book by Lauren Roche,

Who translated and interpreted the Vijnana Bharava Tantra into a beautiful poetic version that our hearts can hear.

Sanskrit is a very complex language.

So in English,

We often really struggle to describe transcendent realities.

Anything beyond,

That dog is brown,

That tree is green,

I'm running very fast.

This is the language that English is good at,

Or this is what English is good at describing.

Anything beyond the senses,

Anything beyond the intellect,

And I can't speak for other languages,

But English specifically is very limited.

Whereas languages like Sanskrit,

Every word has so many meanings depending on its context.

And so,

If you've ever looked at much Sanskrit,

And how one word,

Like say the word citta,

Citta,

Oh this means the depository of memories in your mind.

Citta means individual consciousness.

Citta is,

You know,

It has all these different meanings if you read multiple texts.

But the reality is the words' meaning changes depending on its context.

But that's what makes Sanskrit so rich.

Imagine if English,

The language,

Changed depending on the context.

What if it would allow us to actually describe mind-blowing experiences?

Like our language goes to here,

And then all of a sudden we say,

Yeah,

Unless you've experienced it,

I can't describe it.

This is why if someone like you or I picked up the Vijnanabhairava Tantra,

And just read the Sanskrit,

Read the direct translation of it,

We'd think,

Huh,

I don't know,

I don't think it's that great.

You know,

I mean,

Because it would fall flat,

Because we don't understand Sanskrit enough to understand how these words are now forming shapes in our minds.

So Lauren,

So many years ago,

I got to meet Lauren Roche at a retreat in California at Big Sur,

And he talked about his process for interpreting the Radiant Sutras,

And it took him years.

He studied the Sanskrit,

He went into deep meditation,

He did all these interesting processes with every verse,

Really getting to the core of it,

Really getting to the spirit of the real message of each sutra.

So it's probably why I love using his interpretation first,

When we look at a new sutra,

Because it allows our hearts to open to the spirit of the sutra.

Then I'll share a direct translation of the Sanskrit,

And then we can go into a deeper philosophical discussion about it,

And then we can return to that poetic spirit.

And so I deeply appreciate Mr.

Roche and everything he's done.

All right,

So today we are reading number 138.

If you're following along in the book,

It's on 151,

And it's actually the second paragraph,

Because we're doing 137 and 138 separately.

It's not that that matters for anyone who's not following along.

So let's close our eyes.

Let's just breathe deeply,

Just releasing any thoughts that we came in with,

Allowing ourselves to be right here,

Right now,

In this moment,

In this breath.

Individual soul and cosmic energy,

Pulsing heart and infinite awareness,

Our secret lovers,

Always merging in oneness.

When the secret slips out,

There is laughter and a flash of brilliance in the air.

What comes to you when you hear that?

Is there a word that rolls through your mind?

Magic,

Bliss,

We are one with everything,

And this is divine.

Understanding,

Secret lovers,

Brilliance,

That at the core of existence,

There is fun and playfulness,

Joyfulness,

Trust and play.

Is the secret lover our cosmic energy we've forgotten we have?

We will have to come back to this question.

This is a good question.

I can't get past secret.

Let's start there.

What does secret mean?

And I'm asking you guys,

It's not a rhetorical question.

What does secret mean to you?

Isn't it a derivative of sacred?

I don't know,

But it should be.

Private,

Something hidden,

Something I don't share with anyone,

Hidden,

Unknowable,

Secret of something that is protected until we or the world are ready to meet it.

Yes,

I was just thinking sacred also,

To have infinite boundaries,

Kept safe.

Isn't that interesting?

I don't think I've ever thought about the word secret before,

Hidden from human understanding.

It also made me feel that I forget my magic within.

Private,

Adjective not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others,

Deeply personal,

Hidden.

Yes,

It reminds me about belonging to the mystery,

So brilliant.

Many layers of meaning,

Both magical and hurtful.

So when we think of our normal life,

How often do we identify with our public persona?

Like,

How often do we identify with the parts of us that are seen by others?

How we look,

How we act,

Our wellness,

Our success,

Our relationships.

How easy is it for us to believe that how we are seen,

Understood,

Experienced by other people is who we are.

Imagine the percentage if we were to think,

Because I'm a mathy,

I think at my heart,

So I always talk in percentages,

I'm realizing.

What percentage of our thoughts are concerned with how we're perceived by other people?

That which is not secret,

That which is not within,

Mysterious.

90%?

100%?

80%?

I'm assuming it's high,

Mostly because that's my experience.

So this sutra is actually all about,

It's a meditation on the four aspects of self.

And in many ways,

And I'll tell you what they are,

But in many ways these four aspects are completely hidden from the rest of the world.

The majority of our experience is actually all internal.

It has nothing to do with anyone else out there.

It could be a sunny day and one person could walk out and say,

What a beautiful sunny day.

Another person could say,

Darn it,

I've got to work today.

How come it had to be sunny on my day that I have to work?

Another person could think,

Oh,

Now I've got to get out into that garden because,

Oh,

You know,

Another person,

It could bring up a sad memory.

Our experience of the world outside is all our experience.

How other people experience us is all their experience.

And yet we put so much energy into wanting other people to see us a certain way,

But we have zero control over their internal process,

What they project,

What they interpret based on past experiences.

We have zero understanding of all the people here right now,

Who are here theoretically with a similar goal to learn about the sutras,

To enjoy this community,

Whatever,

Hang out with me,

Whatever the reasons are.

Every single one of us is having an entirely different experience of this class right now.

So this sutra says,

Let's look at the four aspects of self.

So the four aspects that this sutra is talking about,

Obviously,

This could be a huge interpretation.

One aspect of the mind is what we call manas,

M-A-N-A-S.

Manas is the part of the brain that interprets our senses.

My skin sends a message to my brain and says,

It's cold in here.

My brain tells me,

Hmm,

It's cold in here.

I hear something and I like that sound,

Or I don't like that sound.

I see that over there and it's green,

You know,

Or whatever.

So there's a huge part of our mind,

Like even right now,

If you were to imagine,

What percentage of your thoughts are about your comfort right now?

Are you in pain?

Are you happy?

Are you comfortable?

Do you like the sounds around you?

Do you like what you see?

Do you like what you see in the mirror?

Like all these things that we see,

Hear,

Taste,

Touch,

Feel.

And then there's another part of the mind that we call buddhi,

B-U-D-D-H-I,

Like Buddha,

Only with an I.

And this is considered our intellect,

Our discerning mind.

This is the part of us that says,

It's cold in,

So the manas says it's cold in here and the buddhi says,

Ah,

You know what?

I've got a jacket in the next room,

We'll put the jacket on.

The buddhi says,

The next thing I need to do in life is this,

Because this makes more sense and I'll make more money,

Or it'll make me happy,

Or I'm going to go learn how to drive a car,

Or I'm going to do whatever.

Or the buddhi looks at,

Meets someone and says,

You know,

I don't really like this person,

I don't think they're part of my life.

Or I'm reading a book and I'm like,

Oh,

This is a great book,

Or this is not a great book,

Right?

It's the part of our brain that is discerning and questioning and judging and all that kind of thing.

Then there is the energy of life,

They call it the prana shakti,

Or just prana,

Or shakti,

Or a million other words.

It kind of goes back to our original conversation about the depth and breadth of Sanskrit.

But essentially prana,

And again prana has a lot of meanings,

But prana shakti is the energy of this manifestation of your life.

It's almost like if you were to imagine the river of your life,

The energy of I am here and I am going there,

Or I've been there and I'm going to do this,

Right?

It's sort of the energy of life that animates us and makes us go and do things.

So if you're to imagine your life almost as a,

I don't know,

I picture like a map or something,

Right?

A piece of paper and you're like,

You know,

I started here and I did this and I went to school and I had this friend and then I did this and I got this job and then I married this person and then I did this.

And you kind of imagine this squiggly line of your life.

We can imagine for the sake of this sutra that that is prana shakti.

And again,

We could analyze the word prana shakti for five hours,

But for the sake of this particular sutra,

That's what we're going to consider that aspect of it,

Is the energy of our life and our very specific life.

Every person here right now,

Their prana shakti is moving in a different direction.

It is animated in a different way.

It's very,

Very personal.

So first of all,

So we've got manas,

The sensory mind interpreter,

Buddhi,

The intellect,

The brain,

If you want to think.

We have prana shakti,

The energy of our life.

And then we have the ego,

The ahamkara.

This is the individual self.

So if you imagine that in tantra,

We begin with shiva shakti,

We begin with oneness.

And in order to experience duality,

We each must have an individual self.

I mean,

We can all close our eyes and feel our oneness with the universe,

Perhaps.

But the reality is,

I am here on planet Earth.

Which is perhaps maya,

This illusion of light and wonder that we live within.

But I was given the role of Katrina.

And I have a very specific way of seeing the world.

What defines this ego that we call Katrina,

Or Geneva,

Or Angie,

Or Laura?

Well,

My thoughts,

My prana shakti,

My manas,

All the things that we're talking about are very unique to each person.

One person,

We could all sit in the same room and one person thinks it's cold and the next person thinks it's hot.

All of these four aspects that we're talking about,

The ego,

The prana shakti,

The manas,

The buddhi,

These are good things.

These are life.

This is what makes us individuals.

This is what makes all of us here today get to talk to each other.

This is the thrill of duality,

The thrill of maya,

That all of us decided to come and show up and hang out and bring our unique selves here.

So this is a beautiful part of tantra,

To really get to enjoy all of those aspects of ourselves.

But this sutra says,

What if we let all of those go?

Because part of the tantric journey is not only to dive into this particular assignment that I was given as Katrina,

Or you were given as Keith or Carla,

But to also remember that we are God.

I mean,

And I apologize if that word is touchy,

But we are undivided consciousness.

We are everything.

Imagine our lives if we didn't remember that,

If we didn't know that,

How easy it is to get lost in separation,

To get lost in our own struggles and suffering.

If I only think I'm Katrina and there is nothing else,

What if life is hard?

What if I screw up?

I've ruined everything.

You know what I mean?

How quickly we can descend into this place.

Or maybe I've lived quite a privileged life and maybe I've had a lot of great opportunities and I think,

Wow,

I'm amazing.

You know,

This is this attachment to ego.

Or maybe I really have tried hard.

Maybe I really kind of came through the school of hard knocks.

I worked really,

Really hard and I am now whatever I define as successful.

It could be financial.

It could be health.

It could be relationships.

It could be anything.

It could be on a spiritual path of enlightenment.

But maybe I'm also very attached to that.

Well,

The funny thing is the more attached we are to our personal life story,

Negative,

Positive,

Hard work,

Not hard work,

Whatever,

Whatever that experience is,

The more attached we are to it,

The less we can experience our true divinity.

So the journey of this sutra first says,

Well,

They talk about gross,

The word gross,

G-R-O-S-S.

Unfortunately,

In English,

This word has come to mean disgusting.

So gross.

But in energy,

It simply means the densest manifestation of something.

It's not negative.

It's just the densest.

And so if you imagine your mind,

The part of our mind that interprets our senses,

Pain,

Pleasure,

Smell,

Sight,

All that,

That's our grossest aspect of who we are.

And we all know this.

Let's say,

Let's take pain.

When we are in pain,

We can think of nothing else.

It is absolutely overwhelming.

We can think of nothing else.

It obliterates us.

If we live a life only seeking pleasure of the mouth,

Of touch,

Of sight,

Of sound,

Of whatever,

If we live sort of that,

I don't care,

I will avoid all pain at all costs,

Because I simply only want pleasure.

It takes over our whole life.

And we never experience the divinity of who we are.

So this sutra says,

Well,

What if we gave that up for a moment?

This isn't giving it up for life.

We've already kind of talked about how this is our life.

But if we want to access our divine self,

Let's release the thought.

Let's release the feelings.

Let's release our attachment to pleasure or pain.

Let's release all of that.

And dive into the mind.

Dive into our intellect.

Because the intellect,

Well,

It can also confuse us.

It's less gross.

It's a little higher in the mind.

So let's then forget about our thought,

Forget about our feelings,

Our body,

Pleasure,

Pain,

All that,

And swim around in our mind for a while.

I'm just going to swim around in there.

It's like,

Oh,

It's a bit lighter in here,

A bit brighter.

Or maybe it's a bit darker.

Maybe our thoughts are kind of negative,

And we've got a lot of difficult programs running,

But still easier than the pain in our bodies,

Perhaps.

And then let's say we transcend that even.

We forget about our thoughts,

And we just dive in to the flow of life.

This is sort of heading into that bliss state.

I forget about all the things.

I'm living fully in the present moment,

And I'm just riding the waves of life,

Of prana shakti.

And I'm just going to focus on whatever I'm doing.

You can tell,

Like,

All of these stages are just fine.

There's nothing positive or negative about them,

Right?

It's just an experiment.

So then I'm going to ride the waves of life.

Whatever I'm doing next,

That's what I'm going to do.

Just not going to worry about it,

Not going to think about it.

I'm just going to flow into it.

And then imagine we transcend that as well,

And we bring all of that energy of life.

We let go of that,

And we bring it all into the center,

The ego.

And then we bring it even deeper into our heart center,

Which is where we believe atman resides,

Which is our individual divine self.

And you imagine all of that energy of life comes to a stillness.

It doesn't really come to a stillness.

It's more like it all becomes one.

It's almost like the root energy of all movement,

The prana.

And it lives within our heart center,

Our atma,

Atman.

In this place,

We can experience our divinity.

But the only way to experience our divinity is to enter atman.

But we can't do that while we are living according to the senses,

Or while we are living according to the mind,

Or while we are attached to the movement of prana shakti through our lives.

We have to let them go.

And when we let all of those go,

Suddenly we have no sense of self,

And the ego dissolves.

And in that moment,

We experience the secret.

We experience the thing that no one else can see,

That we are one with the divine.

And we live this wonderful dance between our individual selves and the cosmic self.

So then,

I'm just going to reread what we first read.

Individual soul and cosmic energy.

Pulsing heart and infinite awareness.

Our secret lovers,

Always merging in oneness.

When the secret slips out,

There is laughter and a flash of brilliance in the air.

This flash of brilliance is this awareness,

Or at least this is my interpretation of this.

This is this thrill that we feel when we remember,

When we have these moments in life.

You know that time falls away,

Who we are falls away,

And suddenly we know.

My teacher used to call these reference points,

To think of the moments in our lives where everything falls away.

Who we are,

What we have or haven't accomplished.

But it's a flash of brilliance,

It's a moment in time.

I used to have it all the time when my children were young.

And then I would put them to bed,

We would spend another hour or so up,

And then I would go upstairs and I would stand by their doors while they were sleeping.

And it was a moment of bliss.

I once had a friend who is an absolute atheist,

Very,

Very scientific mind.

And we often had to make decisions as to whose world we were going to discuss certain things in because we were polar opposites.

I believed that there was a reason for everything and she believed we were nothing but bumbling neurons,

You know.

And one day she went to Machu Picchu,

Sat at the top,

And something happened.

She sent me an email and she said,

This is what I did and all I know is I experienced something.

I might have an idea what you're talking about,

But I never want to talk about this.

Again,

This is the brilliance,

This is the light,

And this is within every single one of us.

But it's a secret.

And not in a weird manipulative way,

In a way that no one else can experience it.

For us,

They can't experience what we're experiencing.

It's all within,

It's all inside of us.

And this alone,

This aspect of it being secret,

Hidden within ourselves,

Is what makes the spiritual journey difficult.

Because we are so used to getting affirmation,

Guidance,

Judgment,

From the outside.

We struggle to journey within to places that no one else can see.

No one else can tell us whether we're doing it right.

No one else can pat us on the back for the hard work we've been doing.

No one can tell us that you're not doing it right,

You're going down the wrong path.

It's all us,

It's all our inner journey.

Let me read you a direct translation of this.

This is a literal translation of the sutra.

Oh dear one,

When the ideating mind,

Manas,

The ascertaining intellect,

Buddhi,

The vital energy,

Prana shakti,

And the limited empirical eye,

When this set of four dissolves,

Then the previously described state of bhairava appears.

It's another translation.

Oh dear one,

When the mind,

Awareness,

Energy,

And individual self,

This set of four dissolves,

Then the state of bhairava manifests.

So the other thing I want to mention is that in tantra,

There truly are beginner teachings,

Intermediate teachings,

And advanced teachings.

And the reason for that is that,

You know,

You can't just throw this at somebody.

You know,

You can't just say to someone,

And this was a big problem in the self-help world in the 60s and 70s,

Because gurus would say something,

And it would be pulled out of context,

And then given to people,

And it would become this spiritual axiom that everybody tried to do.

So for example,

People would say,

We have to transcend the ego to experience bliss.

We've all heard that.

But that's skipping steps.

Imagine that,

Right?

You're 30 years old,

And maybe you've had a tough life.

It can be anything from super abusive and challenging,

To,

You know,

You might have even been born to a very happy family,

But you were bullied in school,

Or you struggled in school,

Or you had heartbreak,

Or people died,

Or you had illness,

Or whatever.

This human experience is meant to be juicy,

One way or the other.

So all of a sudden,

Here you are,

You're 30 years old,

40 years old,

50 years old,

60 years old,

Whatever.

And you're still working on this life you've been given.

You know,

You're still kind of trying to figure it all out.

You're like,

I don't know why this is still such a challenge for me,

And I don't know why these things keep happening.

And why am I still caught in this particular pattern?

Or why do I keep dating the same kind of people,

Or getting the same kind of jobs?

And maybe the truth is,

Our self-worth was kind of beaten up our whole life.

And we have no sense of self.

We maybe feel like everyone else is more important than us.

And we have no sense of direction.

This is not uncommon.

This is certainly my life.

You know,

To this day,

I'm still trying to dig into,

Who am I actually?

Who is this ego?

Really?

Because I've spent 50 some odd years imposing everyone else's ideals on me,

And then being mad at myself because I didn't live up to some strange ideal that I read,

You know,

That Tony Robbins said,

Or that Paramahansa Yogananda said,

Or whatever.

Like,

Why am I not like these people,

Or something?

So part of my journey is to embrace my ego,

To embrace my thoughts,

To admit,

To actually connect with my manas,

The part of my mind that is actually feeling my body.

It's like,

No,

Katrina,

How you feel matters.

You know,

I'm 55 years old,

And I still am circling that.

That's a real thing.

So then to say to someone,

You know what?

I know you already have no sense of self or sense of direction in life.

But what you really need to do is transcend even the desire for it.

And then you'll feel bliss.

That's crazy talk.

Right?

That's absolutely nonsense.

Like,

That will make you feel like you matter even less.

So for many of us,

Our journey is embracing those four things.

Our journey is connecting with our senses,

Connecting with our mind,

Connecting with the flow of life,

Embracing prana shakti.

Keith is in Slovenia now,

And then he's going to be in Croatia.

That's amazing.

Right?

This is embracing every single step along the way.

And then we embrace our ego.

And we actually become thankful for who we are.

This is,

I swear,

I think this is where most of us here on earth are right now.

We're just trying to come out of this very curious world we've been living in,

And learning to love ourselves,

Learning to love our life,

Whether it's picture perfect,

And it's cosmopolitan worthy or something like that.

So this is a very important stage of our life,

Embracing these four aspects.

But we can still hear this teaching.

And we can still know that while I'm learning to embrace who I am,

I'm going to take moments in my life to remember my greatest self.

Just moments.

I don't have to live there.

I don't have to transcend it for my entire life.

But I'm going to take moments,

And I'm going to sit in meditation posture by the beach in my favorite chair,

And I'm going to release my feelings.

So again,

What does that mean?

How do you release your senses?

Be comfortable.

They call this pratyahara.

We talked about this in the last module,

In the last sutra.

Be comfortable.

Sit in a way that you can forget about your body.

And then breathe deeply.

Breathe in a way that allows you to release your mind.

Slow your thoughts down so that we're not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday or the flow of energy in our life.

And when all of this is released,

Our ego,

Our sense of self will just naturally dissolve because all the things that hold it up or support it have disappeared.

And in that moment,

We can just rest and breathe and feel this wonderful presence.

And then it will pass.

And we'll come back into our physical beings again.

This is a beautiful way to live,

To always be oscillating between these two.

Let's close our eyes for a moment.

Just breathe deeply.

Find a comfortable way to sit or lie down.

Breathe deeply.

Release all sensations in your body.

Focus on your breath,

Feeling the belly expand as you inhale and fall as you exhale.

If thoughts come in,

Just let them float by.

Totally release any attachment to them.

Allow yourself to come into this moment,

Wherever you are right now.

Beautiful Buddhist mantra,

Present moment,

Only moment.

Allow all of who you are to dissolve just for a few moments.

And then feel your essence expand out into the world.

Feel yourself become the ocean,

Extending into all consciousness.

Priya Parikshinam Tadah Tat Bhairavam Vapo Individual soul and cosmic energy,

Pulsing heart and infinite awareness,

Our secret lovers always merging in oneness.

When the secret slips out,

There is laughter and a flash of brilliance in the air.

While you're in this state,

Be aware of this expansiveness.

And then gently become aware of your individual self.

And then gently shift back to expansive awareness.

It's like imagine yourself in an ocean.

And you are the water in an ocean.

And then visualize that ocean,

All the water gathering in a tiny bottle by magic.

And then as you release the bottle,

You become the ocean.

And then the ocean contracts and becomes the water in the bottle.

Just play with this visualization.

Letting your essence expand into the wholeness of the ocean and gently contract into the same water in the bottle.

To know that that entire ocean lives within this bottle.

It's just a question of expansion and contraction.

Then release that visualization and just breathe.

Feel the breath within you.

Feel the air all around you.

As human beings,

We are meant to feel our feelings.

And we are meant to feel it within the context of this world.

But to always have this little secret inside.

That we know and we've experienced the ocean.

Let's take a deep breath together.

And exhale.

Let's gently come back into the room.

See you later.

Reviews

That water vessel meditation really stayed with me Katrina, thank you 🙏

As always! 💕💫🙏
But I’m confused! My Radisnce Sutras book only goes up to 112! Do I have a different version?!

Maybe it's all just a journey of experiencing yourself separated and whole 🥰